|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 029--2/9/95 <-------  ||  OsoaWeek  ||  Issues  ||  Book 3  ||  -------> (Cup OWis029, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN029OW]] [[01029CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 2 9 * * * February 9, 1995 "The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!" by Frank Edward Nora INSIDE THIS ISSUE! * A GRAND ROMP INTO THE IMPROBABLE! * The Rape of Dr. Seuss * Ambrose the Pole Arm * Yassachusetts * Snowball Steam * "Zope's Hamburger Cough Drops" * Songs of the Week * Drew University * "Four of Things" * "Hollow Fantasia" * Syandirij, Tecumseh, U Zu Tiger, Weed Sneak... * ...and Wintercindie, too! * Beublin A. Richardson--Episode 3 * "The Forbidden Triangle" * "Greatcoat" * Hilltop Jone Rallity * And a whole lot more! * A TRULY REMARKABLE DOWNLOAD! (Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim, digital ASCII copies of this copyrighted ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction require written permission from Frank Edward Nora.) OsoaWeek is published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement, and originates from New Jersey, USA. Copyright 1995 Frank Edward Nora . All contents by Frank Edward Nora unless otherwise noted.Phone: 1-800 OBLIVIANA E-mail: obliviana@aol.com Mail: Osoa, P.O. Box 60, Iselin, NJ 08830-0060 Character count: 68789 / Line count: 1901 The Table of Contents is at the very end of this file. For the mail order Catalog of Obliviana, send an e-mail request to obliviana@aol.com. *OW* [[02029HR]] Hemisinister Review ***TV*** DAISY HEAD MAYZIE (a TNT original production) A disaster of Biblical proportions. Here's what happened--Dr. Seuss died, and while rummaging through his notes, someone discovered an unpublished story called "Daisy Head Mayzie". Then they proceeded to make it into a half-hour cartoon. Well, all I know is, Dr. Seuss was smart never to publish this piece of garbage. Man! How could I be calling a Dr. Seuss thing a piece of garbage! I don't know. I love Dr. Seuss, and always have--and I think it's criminal what they've done--taken what must have been an early rough draft and turn it into a full-scale production. It reflects very badly on Theodor Geisel (his real name). The plot is weak and thin and pedestrian, nowhere near being Seussian. A daisy grows out of a girl's head, her teacher tries to figure out why, an agent takes her away to become rich and famous, and then she returns home because she missed her friends and family. F*ck! This is not Dr. Seuss! This is sh*t! Let me quote some REAL Dr. Seuss to give you some perspective--from his classic "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" (Random House, 1960)--one of my favorite childhood books . "This one, I think, is called a Yink. He likes to wink, he likes to drink. He likes to drink, and drink, and drink. The thing he likes to drink is ink. The ink he likes to drink is pink. He likes to wink and drink pink ink. SO... if you have a lot of ink, then you should get a Yink, I think." This passage is accompanied by a bizarre illustration of a yellow and pink vaguely dog or catlike creature, sipping pink ink with a straw. THIS is what Seuss is all about. Like I alluded to before, there is a REASON "Mayzie" remained unpublished--Seuss obviously realized it was not up to his standards--he may never have intended to show it to anybody. Plundering an artists notes after his death, and using them as the basis of a production in which other people are making most of the decisions is a creepy, sick thing. Those responsible should be ashamed. And beyond all this, "Mayzie" is ridiculously politically correct--her classmates represent at least a dozen different races, and her mother is a welder (was Seuss a fan of "Flashdance")? Avoid this calamity. Never watch it. And if you do, realize that it's a rotten perversion of the work of one of this country's greatest creators. F*ck TNT! *OW* [[03029HT]] Halfevil Times HALFEVIL TIMES HOROSCOPE Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Get going with your new PBS kid show, "Ambrose the Pole Arm". Count all the water molecules in Hudson Bay. A friend will mate with ravens. Learn the difference between crud and crap. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Your nationwide campaign to have all state names start with the letter "Y" is getting off to a bad start, especially in Yalifornia, Yassachusetts, and Yexas. School bulletin boards can be really groovy. Make clay impressions of the butts of bitchin' babes. Travel plans are hindered when an enormous slab of iron ore melds with your spine. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) Yes, you can get your car painted the exact color of the Jawa Sandcrawler. Seek "firbata", the black citrus. Leo will fall to Earth as a thousand-foot-tall lion and kick your ass. Study the lowly parsnip. Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) White-out the Bible. Dust off that "cassette warrior" Halloween costume from the mid-'80s. In love, a series of sharp, thrusting motions should help your relationship. No, an American Indian labyrinth is not called a "corn". Gemini (May 21-Jun 21) Use clairvoyance to locate the Perrier gas station. Dawn brings tiny candy-cane-colored porcupine-quill-covered dirigibles into your bedroom. Jolt the sponge version of yourself. Have the Zaxxon burger. Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 22) French fry a honeydew melon. The alignment of Jovian forces allows you to withdraw huge amounts of cash from ATM's by whistling Bee Gees tunes. You ARE the Toronto Raptor. Jay is more eviler than Hitler. Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22) If you act like enough of an idiot, they WILL throw you out of the bowling alley. Humidify Ben & Jerry. When the world gives you lemons, make love, not war. Meet the mass transit opossum. Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) Dimension-travel-induced spontaneous self-implosion may cause troubles in your personal life. You'll never know if your hovercraft can climb Niagara Falls until you try. You are the eighth form of pure carbon. No, the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are not rangers in the strict AD&D sense. Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23) Put relish in your phone bill. Lay waste to Ancient Rome with nothing but an AK-47 and a Jeep Wrangler. Rent bad live-action Disney movies forevermore. Inhale snowball steam on the Fourth of July. Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21) Calculate the life span of the genetically combined zebra-redwood-cuttlefish. Warivint is slow this week. Plaster your ceiling with grape bubblegum, then stick Peak Freens on it. Lambaste the unfortunate Seneca. Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Emulate the Norwegian phone system in your personal life. Cammy isn't answering your fan mail not because she hates you, but because she's a fictional video game character. You're just copying Pearl Jam in your personal crusade against Ticketmaster. No, you don't need the "Cats of the Nazis" chess set. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your secret middle name is "Roland". Ralvehaxaven Stonefort is your home away from home in woods-accessible alternate reality MQ-35. Wisps of incense from the 13th Century might constantly teleport into a 3-foot radius around you, but you can't blame your personal problems on this. Contradict Eunice. *OW* [[04029ZP]] Zope "Zope's Hamburger Cough Drops" ZOPE Joe, Weasel, Rascal--as you know, I've asked you here as a focus group for my newest product. If any of you don't feel up to the task, you may leave now. MASTER JOE No, I'm happy to help, Zope. WEASEL Lay it on us. TIN ALLEY RASCAL I'm pleased to help. And truly, Zope, some of your products need help! ZOPE gives TIN ALLEY RASCAL a cold stare. ZOPE Very well then. Let us begin. ZOPE unveils a display, with a sign reading "Hamburger Cough Drops", and a variety of cough drops in the size and shape of a hamburger. WEASEL "Hamburger cough drops"? You mean like hamburgers with cough drop style medicine inside? TIN ALLEY RASCAL Excellent! Medicated fast food! Capital idea, my good fellow. MASTER JOE Uh... ZOPE You are all quite mistaken. My idea is more brilliant, more inspired--these are giant cough drops, in the size and shape of a hamburger. See, I started with the idea of giant cough drops, but forming them into hamburger shapes increases the market awareness, see? The three sit, looking confused. ZOPE (handing each of the three a hamburger cough drop) Here now. The test is very simple. I will leave the room and spray a cold-virus-laden mist into the room. After about twelve hours, you will all start exhibiting cold symptoms. At that point, you are to lick away at your hamburger cough drops until they are FULLY EATEN. Then we shall see if your symptoms are relieved. WEASEL Uh, Zope... ZOPE runs out of the room, slams the door shut, and clicks on the lock. ZOPE (in control room) Now prepare for the mist... TIN ALLEY RASCAL Ho now, friend! I've not acquiesced on the nature of this test! Kindly let me go! WEASEL Yeah, uh, I'm not, uh, so sure either... MASTER JOE Aw, c'mon guys. It'll be fun! ZOPE Thank you Joe! See guys, Joe's willing to do it, so you should be, too. WEASEL Well... TIN ALLEY RASCAL I don't want to rock the boat, but... well, if Joe's willing to do it, I guess I... WEASEL (looking behind Joe) Hey! Wait a minute! What are all these wires back here? ZOPE Eh? WEASEL Yeah look! This isn't Master Joe! This is an audio-animatron of him! You tricked us! TIN ALLEY RASCAL A fiendish plan, my dear Zope, but you're discovered! ZOPE Uh, well... audio-animatrons can get colds too, and I just, uh, happened to have a Master Joe one lying around, so... OH, WHY AM I EXPLAINING MYSELF? WE HAVE WORK TO DO! PREPARE FOR VIRAL MIST! WEASEL *Sigh.* *OW* [[05029CZ]] Classic Zope "Zope's Awl Madness" (was nameless--title newly created) 2/9/91 (exactly 4 years ago!) TIN ALLEY RASCAL Here we are! ZOPE Great. TIN ALLEY RASCAL Behold the Superb Big Awl! ZOPE and TIN ALLEY RASCAL stand before a huge awl, it's tip far up in the sky, and the initials "SBA" inscribed on its base. ZOPE It's beautiful but what's that I see impaled at the top, Rascal? Your harpsichord, perhaps? TIN ALLEY RASCAL Good heavens! *OW* [[06029LA]] Lord of Obliviana Welcome to another rollicking, jejune installment of OsoaWeek! There's a lot of major infostimulation in store for ya here--settle in! This Third Book of OsoaWeek (issues 027 thru 039) is getting off to a shaky start. Two weeks ago I did OsoaWeek Weekend I, where I spent just about every waking hour working in issues 027, 028, and this one, 029. At that time, 027 was well over a week late. And right now, I'm in the middle of OsoaWeek weekend II--working on 029, 030, and 031. This current issue (029) is over a week late also. I've been having a rough time--my full-time job takes away most of my time and energy, but it's necessary right now--Obliviana Super Occult Amusement is still in its infancy, in need of support, and in no way able to provide me with a living yet. And you know--unlike most of my fellow GenXers, I don't live at home with me parents--I have my own apartment, which I share with my girlfriend. Another thing going on in Obliviana is my preparation for the massive changes in store come Book Four--beginning with OsoaWeek040, April 27, 1995. At that time, I'll begin Obliviana Primal--an interactive "play-by-e-mail" universe, which will include one or several e-mail Xappens (see Nihilistica below for more info on Xappens)--including, possibly, the return of Anything But Monday! So all this, combined with the rigorous featureset of Book Three, has caused these delays. But fear and fret not my friends--I'll get these issues out. Most of you are in the future anyway, reading this from an archive, so a week late here or there doesn't matter much to you! Anyway, take a look at the number and date of this issue--"OsoaWeek 029, 2/9/95". Funny how the 29th issue is released on 2/9, isn't it? Especially considering the significance of the number 209! Well, I thought it was cool. In no way did I plan this--it's just been 29 weeks since the 209th day of 1994! There's a lot of cool stuff brewing in the world of Obliviana right now. The thing is, it's the middle of February, and Obliviana isn't gonna start reaching a wide audience till this Summer (it'll take a few months after April 27 for Obliviana to catch on). But all these pre-Book Four issues of OsoaWeek are very important, as they establish a solid foundation of content for Obliviana to be built upon. I am pretty excited about this year--I feel that by the end of 1995, Obliviana should be doing pretty well. I'm not saying it'll be making money--just that it will have an audience of hundreds and some press exposure. Rather modest expectations, eh? But of course, I have to get to that modest level in order to be in the right place and the right time for the electronic publishing explosion of '96 or '97. I figure that two years from now, in February of 1997, Obliviana should be a viable company. That is, of course, if I can get off my ass and catch up on the lagging Book Three issues! So what will Obliviana be like come Book Four? Well, first of all, OsoaWeek will continue, as the chronicle of all material released in any given week. But the real action is gonna be in the e-mail Xappens--those epubs (electronic publications) which are shirt, sweet, and e-mailed to people every week. These will likely begin with "Obliviana Primal" and "Anything But Monday". The tentative size for these Xappens is set at from 10K to 20K (around 1700 to 3400 words). With advertising, online promotions, and other forms of getting the word out, I hope to get people into this awesome realm of free entertainment. Well, let me keep on catching up--if I succeed in OsoaWeek Weekend II, I'll be back on schedule, like totally! Get All Obliviana! *OW* [[07029NH]] Nihilistica ***FLOWER PLAY--ABORTED*** I remember when I was back in first grade, I think, they were planning to put on a musical play where kids would portray a variety of flowers. I recall them lining us up by height--the tallest would get to be sunflowers, while the smaller kids would become dandelions. I'm pretty sure I was tagged as a dandelion--which was okay--'cause we were gonna get to wear cool lion makeup and growl and stuff. The only other flower I remember was daisies--possibly female only. In any event, I was pretty excited about the whole thing, but for some reason the whole project was canceled. I remember being somewhat upset about it. Maybe someday I'll get the true story behind the aborted flower play--but for now, I'll have to live with these vague wisps of childhood memory... ***SONGS OF THE WEEK*** Blue Oyster Cult--"Black Blade" (from the album "Cultosaurus Erectus") Duran Duran--"White Lines" (from the upcoming album "Thank You") *OW* [[08029OL]] Obliviana Primal Obliviana Primal. Realm of Roads. Revolvers & Revolver Lords. Xappens & Xappenseas. Fonostas... With the dawn of Obliviana Primal looming in the near future (April 27, 1995), it's time for a little preview of what's coming! First of all, you may remember that Obliviana Primal was originally described way back in OsoaWeek001 as a virtual universe consisting of 19 "Primal Digs". Here they are... Campus Mount, Primal Nation, Primal Space, Roller Coaster Basin, Train Set, Sawdust Winter, Forceway Point Building, Primal Maritime, Slumberdaze Atoll, Foreign Country, Sphere, Octagon, Needle, Salt Meadow Road, Weasel Village Mall, Devastating Nightscape, Bavin City, New Jersey, Tourney. Now, whereas this wasn't a bad way to go about delineating my virtual realm, I have since rethought the entire thing and am revealing the new plan here for the first time! Instead of the different areas being "Digs", they will be "Roads". Each Road will have a theme, such as seaside, mountainous, snow-covered, super highway, etc. Xappen is another important concept in development. See, in the physical world, infostimulation is distributed in a variety of physical forms. Text and graphics are delivered in books and magazines. Audio is contained in CD's and cassettes. Video is in the form of videotapes or laserdisks. Video games are in the form of cartridges or CD's, and so on. But in a realm that is purely digital, none of these containers really has any relevance. This is the reason I created Xappen--Xappen is a sort of universal digital container. A Xappen is a blast of digital infostimulation. Designed to be experienced within the timeframe of the modern attention span of juts a few minutes, each Xappen will be a potent packet of good stuff! In the big picture, major areas of intellectual property coalesce as Revolvers. Within each Revolver, there are any number of Xappenseas--or Xappen forms. And within each Xappensea are any number of individual Xappens. This three-level hierarchy is meant not as an inflexible, draconian system, but rather a strong foundation on which to base the electronic publishing of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. As far as the content of any given Xappen, it can contain text, graphics, layouts, 3-D models, audio, video, game, data, etc. The only caveat is that the main gist of Xappen be experiencable in a few minutes, though there may be an additional quantity of adjunct material. For example, a 4-minute video clip may have text notes, "making of" footage, 3-D title graphics and viewing environment, etc. But the main thing has to be a BLAST. Another new idea is that each Revolver have a single Revolver Lord--that is, a person who is singularly responsible for the state of the Revolver. The power of the individual is very important in the Digital Superworld--the wishy-washiness of committee rule will be washed away in the binary tide! And then there's the Fonosta--perhaps the single most important element of Obliviana. A Fonosta is an individual's presence in the Digital Superworld, a thing which contains a library of that person's creative works, achievements, ideas, etc. It's also the person's body in Obliviana Primal, with associated vehicles, homes, objects, etc. The idea is that the Fonosta will live on in the Digital Superworld long after the individual passes away, as an everlasting monument to the person's achievements, accessible to all future generations. I hope this little preview has whetted your appetite for the dawn of Obliviana Primal on April 27! Stay with OsoaWeek for all the latest news on the subject! *OW* [[09029NJ]] New Jersey DREW UNIVERSITY Rt. 124, Madison You may have read some pretty strange stuff about Drew University in the pages of OsoaWeek. I went there from 1985 to 1987, and boy did I have some strange experiences. Drew has changed a lot since I went there. But it's still a cool place to visit and just walk around. You can drive right in, park, and wander around the beautiful campus (best in autumn). The University Center has a good game room and book store, as well as phones, bathrooms, and an ATM. The Commons is the main mess hall, where I believe you can eat for a fee even if you're not with a student. And be sure to check out the library. Like many campuses, there are a plethora of cool buildings and walkways you can freely explore--no special key or student ID needed. Just don't act stupid--security could say you're trespassing. So for a pleasant stroll in the midst of this supernatural wonderland of a college, check out Drew U.! DIRECTIONS: TP or PW to Rt. 78 W, to Rt. 24 W, to Rt. 124/Chatham. Drive thru Chatham and Madison, and Drew will be on your left. *OW* [[10029FE]] Friction Enhancer Friction Enhancer 12: "Four of Things" The idea here is simple--to get four little objects and put them in a bag. The challenge is to find the four most diverse objects--things which would never normally be found in a bag together--ever. As an example, there could be a Han Solo action figure, a corn cob holder, a calculator, and a handball--you get the idea. The nature of the bag is up to you, anything from a Ziploc style sandwich bag to an elaborate pouch. Carry a "Four of Things" bag with you while Dashing to help generate lots and lots of Morc! *OW* [[11029DC]] Dashic This time around, I'll be taking you way, way back to February 1988, to present the contents of a publication I did called "Hollow Fantasia". It's my first major presentation of Dashic (then known as "Reality Zoning"). And though I've refined my ideas considerably since 1988, I think it should be interesting for you to see where I was with Dashic seven long years ago. So here it is! (Note: The NY address is totally defunct now--it was a Greenwich Village apartment I lived in while attending NYU.) HOLLOW FANTASIA by Frank Nora (Zone Supernature, $2, 1988) Hollow Fantasia, by Frank Nora, published February 1988 by Zone Supernature, a division of Nomadi Entertainment, 170 Thompson St., Apt. 15, New York, NY, 10012. All contents copyright 1988 Frank Nora. Limited Edition First Printing of 52 1/4 copies. This copy is number: For a free catalog of other fine Nomadi products, just write to the above address. Umiak! HOLLOW FANTASIA is the handbook of Reality Zoning (just "zoning" for short). What is zoning? In the simplest terms, it is a method of significantly altering probability and perception through the use of the number 209. What this basically means is that when you "zone", the probability of various events occurring around you will change, making unusual or out of the ordinary things happen. Also, it will change the Zoner's perception of the events. Zoning is therefore an altered state of consciousness, but has absolutely nothing to do with drugs, chemicals, sorcery, occultism, etc. It instead uses the mathematical nature of human beings. Somehow, the number 209 is the key to a whole new realm of experience. This book is your passport to mystery and adventure. Read on! THE HISTORY OF ZONING. The first real zonal trip took place back in November of 1986. What happened was that a friend and I went to the comic book store, but it was closed. On the way home, however, I for some reason decided to take a wrong turn and start heading in an unknown direction, just for fun. At first we wound up at an unfamiliar supermarket, and we bought all sorts of weird foods to eat on the road. Later on we were in a strange mini-mall blowing "Superelastic Bubbleplastic" while little oriental kids were pushing each other around in shopping carts. After that we wound up at a haunted music store, and after the employees closed up they took us to a graveyard. Then, in January 1987, I would drive around late at night with some kids from the area, and we noticed that from around 10:30 pm to 11:30 pm there was a sort of dark and numbing pall over where we were. We called this "The Suck Zone". Between then and now, the current theory and practice contained in this book was developed. ZONAL THEORY. [1] As human beings, we can only perceive a tiny portion of our planet at one time. In fact, we have no idea what is occurring anywhere besides our immediate area of sensation, other than through assumption. [2] Communicating with others can expand our horizons and make our world larger, because others can relate what they have experienced to us. But even at this level we can never really be sure that what people are telling us is entirely accurate. [3] Modern telecommunication has created a "global network". Today we can watch TV or read the newspaper and learn about the experiences of thousands, even millions, of other people. [4] Through these various levels of communication, our limited world of immediate sensation is expanded. But most people make the mistake of assuming that the "global network" of communication covers every square inch of the world. It does not necessarily do this, however. [5] In fact, if you imagine the global network as a web covering the earth, anything which does not touch it will not exist for most people. [6] If you consider how much of the surface of the earth you have experienced, either directly or through communication, you'll discover that it only covers a tiny portion of places that exist on earth. [7] In our minds, however, we simply "fill in" the areas with which we have no familiarity by using information we know about places nearby or similar. Through this method, we feel that we have the whole world pretty much defined. [8] We feel this is justified because we think that if there were someplace out of the ordinary, we would hear about it, assuming that the global network is complete. Also, since we have apparent freedom to travel wherever we please, and places have been similar to how we pictured them, "filling in" areas becomes justified. [9] There is a "flow of events" in which we operate, and we have freedom of motion only so far as we "feel" like we should go somewhere. We are limited in where we can go, ultimately, by our own minds and imaginations. [10] I therefore theorize that there exist areas on earth which would seem totally alien or impossible to us. I call these areas ZONES. THE ZONAL MODEL OF THE EARTH. Theoretically, the surface of the earth is divided up into zones. The boundaries of these zones are constantly in motion. If you are in one zone, you will tend to remain in that one zone. This is why the global network of communication is incomplete: it exists in only one zone, and can therefore relate only events taking place in that one zone. The zone where the world we know of exists is called the Master Zone, and it covers a good area of the Earth. Each person has a tendency to move along with their zone. This is manifested at the level of a person's subconscious mind. What we will be forced to do, because of our daily lives and what we indeed feel like doing, are both affected by the zonal tendency. The person and the zone are "programmed" in the same way, but are not directly connected. In this way, if one makes a conscious effort, they can move from their zone to another zone. This is what Reality Zoning is. There are two major factors in zoning: FUEL (the force of motion to move in relation to a zone), and STEERING (guiding the zonal direction). THE "FUEL" ASPECT OF ZONING. Zonal motion is not like conventional motion. Zonal motion is when a person changes their position relative to the zone that they are in. Each of us is normally moving "in synch" with the Master Zone. Of course, slight motion is happening all the time, but amounts to nothing because [a] it is undirected and tends to move in a circle, and [b] there is a tendency to move towards the center of the zone, also called "zonal gravity". To fuel zonal motion, one must act in a way that goes against the "flow of events." This means doing things which nobody would normally do. These things should be neutral, however, neither particularly good nor bad, just different. At some point, as you become more familiar with the system, you should be able to feel when you are moving zonally. It is also important to do several different things at once. It seems that when you do more than one thing, the increase in motion is not the addition, but rather the multiplication, of the forces of each one. The Fuel aspect of Reality Zoning is an incredibly complex and diverse topic, warranting a book all its own. But I will try to give you some examples here as to what to do. * Actual physical motion is essential, so wander around or go places for absolutely no reason. Get lost. It is important to surprise even yourself when zoning. * Dealing with bizarre, out of place, or random objects is also a way to fuel zoning. Carry them around, leave them places. Give them importance beyond their normal meaning. * Eating weird foods or especially weird combinations of ordinary foods is very zoning. Visit the supermarket. * Reading books or searching for information in which you have no reason to do is zoning. Visit the library. * Writing and speaking gibberish, meaningless words, on bizarre or out of place subjects, etc., will fuel zoning. * You need not do things which exceed you inhibitions, although it is often good to do so. Remember, do things which NOBODY would do. These things should never be bad, just harmless things without purpose or sense. * This just begins to touch on what you can do in order to fuel zoning. THE "STEERING" ASPECT OF ZONING. Now, even if you generate a large amount of motion, you will still go in circles and get nowhere. In order to get anywhere you need DIRECTION, you need to move in a straight line. This is where the number 209 comes in. 209 has only two factors, 11 and 19. Both of these numbers are prime, and they are the actual basis of guiding zonal motion. Somehow, either naturally or created, these numbers are the key to a system that works. This system, basically, is that there are 209 basic direction in which you can move zonally. Each direction has an ELEFORCE, which is a number between 1 and 11, and a NENFORCE, which is a number between 1 and 19. The 209 directions covers all possible variations of eleforce and nenforce. In order to zone (ie, move zonally), you must choose and "make contact" with one of these 209 directions. The patterns of eleforce and nenforce exist within everyone, so to set a direction, you must become more and more familiar with the system, and as you do, you will activate the system within you. HOW TO USE A ZONEBOOK. In the back of this book there is a pouch containing another book: "Steering Zonebook Thozien". This is the "state of the art" method of setting your zonal direction. Take it out and look at it. At first you will notice that there are paper clips on the righthand side. Take them off. From now on when the book is not in use, put the clips of the LEFTHAND side. If you look inside the Zonebook you will see that there are two parts. The first part is a list which lists all 209 directions, and the other part graphically lays out each eleforce and nenforce. First, check out the list. Each entry is listed next to its "opposite". Each zonal direction has an opposite. Each direction has several different pieces of information: [1] Numerical Designation. This is the value of the direction in a numerical ordering system. It is used as the primary form of identification. [2] Keyword. This is a word which aids in mental association and remembering each direction. It has no inherent value, but gives each direction more "personality" than just raw numbers and letters. (Each word was, however, taken from the 209th page of a book in a pile of 209 books.) [3] Relative Value. This value is gotten when an 11 x 19 grid is numbered both vertically and horizontally. The value is the difference of the two numbers. Numbers which are negative reflect only RELATIVE negativity. This number can aid in seeing how different directions roughly relate. [4] Eleforce Value. There is an eleven, then a colon, then the eleforce value. [5] Nenforce Value. There is a nineteen, then a colon, then the nenforce value. [6] Pronunciation. How to pronounce the direction in a phonetic alphabet based on 209. There are 11 vowels, each representing an eleforce, and 19 consonants, each representing a nenforce. When you pronounce it keep in mind the forces it represents. The letters can be pronounced in either order. These six values all serve to help you define this directional system in your mind. Now you are ready to set the direction. First you must choose one from the list. At this point in time, just choose it randomly or according to what words or numbers appeal to you. Now you must make contact with the direction. To do this, you should repeatedly say the pronunciation as you memorize all the pieces of information in the listing. Once they are memorized, concentrate on the eleforce and nenforce, and think of each as you pronounce its letter. At some point you should FEEL the state of having a direction set within you. Now, go to the second part, and FOLD OVER the corner of the page onto the eleforce and nenforce entry for your direction. Once this is done, put the three paper clips on the righthand side, thus sealing the book and the two folds. Now put the Zonebook in an empty pocket, belt pouch, etc. Keep it with you at all times. When you're finished Zoning, simply take off the clips, unfold the pages, and put the clips on the lefthand side of the book. The book is now off. Do not leave the book on if you aren't using it. This is the steering method. CONCLUSION. So the method of Reality Zoning is to first set your direction using the "Steering Zonebook Thozien", and then generate zonal motion by "Fueling." What can you expect? Well, at first you might FEEL strange, maybe even dizzy. But continue, and you WILL notice that different sorts of events are occurring around you, as well as the fact that your perceptions will be altered. By this I mean that you will see things in a different light, maybe noticing things you never noticed before. In general I have found the feeling of zoning to be favorable. Remember, Zoning is a very new theory and practice. Anything you discover would be appreciated. Also, if you could send us a brief description of your zonal trips, as well as THE DIRECTION YOU USED we would be very grateful. In the future you can expect expanded editions "Hollow Fantasia", a Zoning journal, new editions of "Steering Zonebook Thozien", a new language based on zoning, and many other things. Well, good luck, and Happy Zoning! *OW* [[12029AB]] Antebellum SYANDIRIJ Profiles: Destroyer/Metal County: Bergen Sex: Female Description: Spunky Syandirij is a short (4-foot-11 or so) young woman made of brass, who wield devastating chaos blasts and destructive energy. Unsure of herself, she faces combat with trepidation--for fear of losing AND for fear of hurting her allies with her wild, virtually uncontrollable powers. TECUMSEH Profiles: Clock/Hammer County: Bergen Sex: Male Description: Wearing a dull yellow military costume and a matching cowboy hat, Tecumseh has a clock for a face and wields a massive stone hammer. His voice is that of a large ringing bell, but he uses it sparingly. Secretive and distant, Tecumseh calmly pursues his own agenda. U ZU TIGER Profiles: Martial/Wild County: Bergen Sex: Male Description: A tall, slim anthropomorphic tiger with vicious claws and teeth, who is expert at martial arts, U Zu can focus his spiritual energy into blasts of pure energy which devastate opponents. Quiet and withdrawn most of the time, U Zu really comes alive in battle! WEED SNEAK Profiles: Pest/Recluse County: Bergen Sex: Male Description: A strange little brownie/leprechaun sort of fellow, dressed in camouflage, who can open a doorway into "Weedland", his own little private universe. Hyper and mischievous, Weed Sneak is the life of the party--that is, until he starts to annoy everyone! WINTERCINDIE Profiles: Lovely/Northern County: Bergen Sex: Female Description: A magnificent beauty who wears a wispy, revealing white outfit and a veil, she always has a layer of cold around her--as evidenced by the "steam" coming out of her mouth when she breathes. She can seduce just about any man and use her charms to control his actions. As well, she can focus her freezing energy and cause a big, sometimes fatal chill! Like most Lovelies, Wintercindie is self-centered, but manages to be personable at the same time, often cracking jokes and nasty comments. *OW* [[13029SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 165 Fallaback, Hanson, the days of smoke and swimming are done with. Strange needle tonight, the friend of a friend and his cool walls. Discovery night, and you're trying to worship Freya. Predatory car, magic branch, Lord of the Mall. If it weren't for constant competition, things would be pretty dull around here. SUPERIOR 166 Getting crushed is okay. Did I tell you, if I wanna kick a door open, I do it? Doll, you are my Bianca, my lovely lover, a playground for my tongue. Huh? On my Manhattan rooftop at night, look and way out--flyers. Flashmemory, from my past life in the '50s--a den, a playroom, fishing, woodworking. SUPERIOR 167 The difficult ape land of iron I say, swinging and slipping you, into you. Away from its, down the cool indoor artificial river, lit green from beneath in the darkness--and I don't know what's next! Cynthia was. I don't know what it was with Cynthia--I think she has super powers. I think she's from the future. Why won't she share it with me. SUPERIOR 168 Day. Stupid company! *OW* [[14029DH]] Dehumidifier ***BEUBLIN A. RICHARDSON*** Episode 3 by Frank Edward Nora Dialogue Improvised by the actors, with direction from Frank Edward Nora Peter Litkey as BEUBLIN A. RICHARDSON John Nora as ANTHONY NEURO INT.--ROOM--DAY Close up of BEUBLIN, then zooms back. BEUBLIN, standing, holds a piece of paper in front of him. He reads from it. BEUBLIN "The Forbidden Triangle", by Beublin A. Richardson. "The forbidden triangle. So smooth, so destructive! It makes the blood chill in your bones! Those who enter shall perish horribly in hell. The noise is wicked and deafening. Go to hell!" Zoom into BEUBLIN's face, blurring. Cut to another close-up of BEUBLIN, facing the camera as he speaks. BEUBLIN Mr. Doom... He and I were very good friends. Yes we were. We did a lot of things together. And that whole... my whole book of poetry, "The Forbidden Triangle", I did not copy him. It was not anything to do with his ideas, it was all mine. And to tell you quite honestly, I really, truly believe that he killed those people. Yes he did. You might be wondering, but yes, he killed them. I know for a fact. He's been getting into the drug scene, and he's been getting to a type of area that I don't want to affiliate with him in any more directions. Because if I get affiliated with him, my whole reputation will be shot. INT.--MEETING ROOM--DAY ANTHONY walks in, and greets BEUBLIN, who is sitting at a table, with a wide variety of Orangina products arranged in front of him. ANTHONY Hey Beublin. BEUBLIN Hey. ANTHONY sits and hold a piece of artwork on the table in front of him. ANTHONY I'm really excited. This, uh, this is from the graphics department. This is for the album, not just, this is the single--you already saw that cover idea--this is for the album. And it's very interesting with this blown-off leg. The title is sort of very expository, like an illustration, and that's also the title of the album. It's really, I think it's a good idea. And it has the single... BEUBLIN holds his hand up. BEUBLIN Okay... ANTHONY ...typed on the front... BEUBLIN Okay--slow down. Would you like an Orangina? ANTHONY Yeah, I would. ANTHONY reaches for a can of Orangina. BEUBLIN No, no. The Orangina must be in the small bottles. Let me get them. BEUBLIN gets up, leaves the room, and then returns with the small bottles. Cut to close up of bag of Cheyenne cookies. Pan up to BEUBLIN. BEUBLIN You know, I visited the Pepperidge Farm--up in Chesapeake. It is ENORMOUS. Cut to ANTHONY, speaking. As he speaks, BEUBLIN nervously drinks his Orangina and looks over the artwork, visibly uncomfortable. ANTHONY Some, uh, something more than just a regular, uh, performance type video. Ah, the budget shouldn't be too high--I'd like to keep it simple, but you know, I'll uh, I'll make it interesting, hopefully. And uh, I think uh... BEUBLIN starts shaking his head. BEUBLIN Um. Um. I can't go along with this. First of all, what the song says, and the lyrics say, I want it to coincide with the video portrays. Okay? For instance, there is a saying or a connotation to a couch. I really think couches, and dead ants flying into windows should be coming into the scene. Because I want this image of a big highway, with big, industrial signs. And I want it to be all within the realms of the song. Do you know what I'm trying to say to you? ANTHONY Well it's kind of completely, uh, y'know, contradictory to what I have just described what I wanted to do. BEUBLIN Well see, listen... ANTHONY Overpowering the... BEUBLIN You might be the director, but I really don't care what you think. This is my video. And I'll do it what I want. And if I don't agree with you, I will tell you. And you will obey. Cut to BEUBLIN grabbing a bag of Cheyenne cookies and hugging the bag. BEUBLIN Cheyenne! They're wonderful cookies. Yes. Cookies, cookies, cookies, cookies. These cookies are full of energy and nutrition. They have deep, dark chocolate chunks of chocolate. And they also have peanut butter for protein, which really makes my creative juices flowing. And it has a bumpy personality--JUST LIKE ME! So--that's why I consider Cheyenne cookies my BRAIN FOOD. BEUBLIN reaches into the bag, takes out a cookie and eats it. BEUBLIN Mmmmm, mmmmmm. Would you like one? ANTHONY Sure. BEUBLIN hands ANTHONY a cookie. ANTHONY takes it and eats a little of it. BEUBLIN How do you like it. ANTHONY It's okay. BEUBLIN freaks out, making a bizarre face of shock and incredulity. *OW* [[15029SA]] Severe Repair Almanac ***SYNOPSIS OF SEVERE REPAIR CHAPTER 5*** "Bicentennial Cane" (16 pages) In Cellar Sixteen of the Supbam Hotel in Agoopish, Tanner Loblolly and the goddess Fluffy Netherf*ck get some coffee and sit, discussing Tanner's recent arrival and the nature of Agoopish. Soon, the god Mem Elemorty and the goddesses Little Fisher and Little Red Thread come over to meet Tanner. Mem shows Tanner the "Bicentennial Cane", a cane containing thousand of tiny books. Then Tanner tells the group of a game he's developed, "Distantwind House". He also tells them about his favorite TV show, "Johnny Pitch". Mem departs, and the three goddesses show Tanner more of Cellar Sixteen. They move to the edge of an opening in the floor, where they can see the dark, chilly Cellar Seventeen below. Then they point out a subway platform, and a little viewportal where a weird little hippo god, Violent Evan, can be seen, trapped in a bizarre little universe. The four are interrupted by a commotion at the subway platform--the mortal Cursive Caxopy apprehending someone. Afterward, they plan to go to the pinball alcove. ***SYNOPSIS OF SEVERE REPAIR CHAPTER 6*** "You're a Good Man for Crying on the Job" (18 pages) Just married, Sleap Drassy (now "Sleap Jankels") practices writing her new signature, but she can't seem to get it right. Her husband Jean is still in the shower when she hears their door being bashed in. Three people with a lot of fancy equipment rush in as Sleap hides. They enter the bathroom, and there's a horrible series of noises. She hears one of them say "One less demon." The people see Sleap, and explain to her that her husband was a demon, now utterly destroyed. They are alerted to another crisis and rush off, but not before giving her their business card--"Demonbane, Inc." Suddenly, a blast of hot air hits Sleap, and two infernal hosts approach and take her to hell, where she is accused of heresy. As soon as she is handed over to Infernal Jailor Hamt, however, she smiles and motions with her hand, and Hamt doubles over in pain. She now fully realizes the truth about her--she is a "Looter"--an enormously powerful being who dismantles Hells and sells the parts to the highest bidder! * * * In Cellar Sixteen, Chive Moron approaches Tanner Loblolly, Fluffy Netherf*ck, and Little Red Thread, telling them that Little Fisher's been kidnapped. The three chase the kidnappers out into the parking lot, where Fluffy runs to her car, in which the three speed out into the back streets of Agoopish in pursuit of the offenders. Driving through a field of tall weeds, Fluffy suddenly bursts out into midair. She manages to lasso a streetlight and land the car intact, albeit damaged. Little Red Thread uses her remote viewing powers to locate the kidnappers, and soon they catch up to them--only to find the car wrecked and all the passengers killed. Little Fisher is stuck in the branches of a brittle, dead tree however, on the edge of a precipice. Tanner tries to save her, but winds up breaking the branches and causing both of them to fall. Fisher bounces harmlessly when she hits the ground, and Fluffy manages to lasso Tanner before he falls too far. They retrieve Fisher, and a group of Anglecats strangely shies away from Tanner. Back at the hotel, Tanner and Fluffy go to her suite on the 50th floor. Fluffy shows Tanner to a guest room, where he showers and watches some weird Agoopish TV. Then he goes to Fluffy's main room and waits for her. When she arrives, he feels intense lust for her. They talk for awhile, then Fluffy shows Tanner back to the guest room, where he was going to take a nap. Fluffy senses his lust and assures him she finds nothing wrong with it, but sends him into a deep sleep with a kiss. As Tanner approaches consciousness, he hears a voice in his room say "You're a good man for crying on the job", jolting him to consciousness. Soon his friend Minion Van Hall calls and they plan to meet soon thereafter. *OW* [[16029SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 29: "Greatcoat" "Okay Ferrajalt, I'll see you at dinner." Baw Veppen said as she left my room. "Okay." I said. Things had smoothed out considerably since that night on the beach when I killed Red Archer Booze. Now I was here at Bay House, the home for the second wave of arrivals in Daptin's Land. The first wave got to live in Daptin's House, of course. Yeah I just got here the other day. Much nicer than the island we were on. But even so, the rest of reality is still destroyed, so there's not all that much to do. Oh well. After I killed Booze, I managed to carry Treyess into the Warhome (I couldn't really climb up the ladder with her, so I had to open the motorcycle hatch in the back. She revived soon after that and couldn't believe what I did. But she did start coming to her senses, realizing how she'd been used. Then of course, the call came--I knew it would. I knew Daptin Gone would feel the death of Red Archer Booze, and would be calling for an explanation. Soon, I was sitting at the driver's seat, answering the call. It was Daptin all right. "Ferrajalt, may I ask--what just happened?" He looked quite upset. "Well Daptin, I uh, well--to put it in the simplest terms, I basically killed Red Archer Booze." "How?" "I pretty much, uh, blew her head off." "YOU WHAT?" I felt a weird sensation all through my body as Daptin yelled at me. It was if he was reaching out and grabbing me, shaking me. "I'm sorry. It was just--just the heat of the moment. I mean, I was there to basically rescue them and Booze was giving me a hard time, not letting Treyess come to me. I guess I lost my mind for a minute. I--I wish I didn't do it." Daptin was breathing heavily and thinking. "Well," he finally said, "I can't understand why you'd do such a thing, but all is not lost. I can resurrect her, but I have to BE there. Look Ferrajalt--I'll come to you. We can follow the signal from your Warhome. Where's the body?" "On the beach." "Okay--just leave her there. I don't have any tides yet, and there are no animals anywhere, so her body should be okay. Just get away from her and wait. We'll be leaving today, and we'll be in frequent contact with you. And we'll deal with all this later. Understood?" I was getting a little mad at the guy, brow-beating me like that. Kind of messed with my pride. But I didn't want to start anything. "Understood. And I'm sorry." "I know you are. I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye." Well, after that we had to wait around a few days for Daptin to get there. Treyess was really weirded out by what happened. She didn't want anything to do with me. I slept in the guest bedroom (surprisingly comfortable). We returned to the part of the island I'd woven my Warhome on, and we figured we may as well weave a few more. There were two matter handlers in the library/armory, so Treyess took one of those and I took my original one and we went our separate ways. By the end of the day, we had two more Warhomes. Treyess retreated into hers, and I stayed in mine. I don't think she liked me any more. She even called me "murderer" a couple of times. I told her, since Booze would be brought back to life, it wasn't REALLY murder. But she wouldn't listen. Oh well. I talked to Daptin that night and asked him if there was any point in weaving any more Warhomes. He said we might as well make two more--the folks coming with him could drive them back. He said he didn't like folks using matter from around the Center of his Land. So the next day, me and Treyess wove two more shiny new Warhomes, and left them on the shore. We didn't speak too much. The next few days, I didn't have much contact with Treyess. I did try out the submarine, the speedboat, and the motorcycle, though--all excellent. The submarine was especially nice. And I flew my biplane around a lot--but it brought back sour memories of the brief but happy time I had spent with Treyess back on Timber Serious. Oh well. Finally, after about four days Daptin arrived, along with Granticaine Perion and some woman, who turned out to be a goddess herself, from some weird place called Agoopish. Spanking New Sarah was her name. Her and Daptin have a thing going. Apparently, back when he was a nobody and she was all high and mighty, she had warmed to him. Now that he was head honcho, well, I don't know. They seem made for each other I guess. So they came to us, and Granticaine and Sarah stayed as Daptin set out back to where Booze's body lay. He said he wanted privacy while attempting his first resurrection. He came back a few hours later with Red Archer Booze, once again alive and well, wearing her original outfit. He said he had laid down the law with Booze--and then he did with me as well. We had to make up, and each promise to do no harm to the other. Neither of us was happy about that, especially her, but we both agreed. I almost threw up again when Treyess embraced Booze, crying. At that moment, I wrote off Treyess for good. Then we made our plans. Daptin and Sarah were each to take a Warhome and return home, along with Treyess and Booze in Treyess' Warhome. I volunteered to accompany Granticaine to find the Urbandersnacheron, each of us in our own Warhome. The idea was that he would leave his (one of the ones I wove) and we'd both go home in mine. Sounded like a good enough plan. So that's what we did. The five Warhomes stayed together for a while out at sea, but after a few hours me and Granticaine split off and headed south. Me and Grant got along pretty well, and we kept in constant radio contact. When we broke away from the others, Grant was able to talk to me without worrying the others would hear. I had met Grant during my Overwhelm orientation--we were both recruited around the same time. "Well Ferrajalt, we're finally off on our own." he said. "How does it feel?" "Great." I said. "I had a real bad time back there, you know. But I'm sure you know all the details." "Oh yeah. Rather disturbing I must say. I don't care what the others say--there must have been a reason she was imprisoned in the first place." "You're telling me! I tried to tell Daptin how dangerous she was--I just hope he got the message. I mean--I was able to resist her, eventually--but I don't know if it was my own willpower, or the fact that she was more interested in Treyess." "Maybe she felt Treyess was more innocent--more space to corrupt?" "Maybe Grant. I don't know. But she'll have a real field day with all those people back at Daptin's home. You know." "I think Daptin can keep her under control. He has more power here than he's letting on. Doesn't want to act all superior, he just wants to be one of the guys--but at some point he's going to have to acknowledge his enormous might and responsibility." "Yeah." "So don't sweat it. I probably would have done the same thing as you. Probably sooner." I laughed, glad that Grant had eased the tension a little. We talked a lot about things--he gave me a much better view of the big picture, of what had happened. Apparently, the ocean liner with all the Warhomes attached to it had crashed only 20 or 30 miles away from Daptin's House. The rest of my friends flew right into Daptin's Land airspace, near the boat. I guess me and Treyess just barely made it through--that's why we were deposited so far off the mark. And somehow--like Daptin had told me--Sleap Drassy was a being deeply involved with this whole mess. I found out about this Cup of Coffee which caused so much trouble. They think Sleap is the one who introduced it to our level of reality. But who knows? I guess Daptin thinks this whole series of events was her doing--but Grant has some doubts. Anyway, he told me he was there when they caused the reality crash. "Yeah, I tell you, Ferrajalt--we knew something was wrong right away. Mallie got the call from his girlfriend, and she left a message. But afterward, he said he had to call her back or she'd be in deep trouble, so he did--he called her back--and as soon as they started talking, we got this weird feeling and the sky turned green. That's what caused the event you experienced." "Wow. So what was it--just the communication itself?" "Yeah--apparently, direct communication between where we were and the real world just totally threw everything out of whack. And what I've heard from your friends--and saw from Nevrippa's 'collection', I'd say things were pretty damn FAR out of whack." "You got that right." We were heading in the general direction Daptin had given us, but after two days, we still read nothing at all on our sensors. But when we talked to Daptin (still on his way home) he said just to keep going. So we did. It wasn't until a few days later--after Daptin and the others got home--that we picked up the Urbander--about 800 miles away! Keep at it, that's what Daptin told us. A bunch of times I took the speedboat out and played around in it--but I had to make sure to keep up with the Warhome. I tried the submarine once, but it wasn't fast enough to keep up. The biplane was, though. Granticaine took out his speedboat and plane a few times also, but not as much as me. I was scared of acting too much like a child, but in the final analysis, I really didn't care. Things were too far gone. Later that night we got to the lost galleon, and we tried to figure out the best way to approach. We knew they might think we were attacking them and strike us first. But we decided the best thing was to stay in the relative safety of the Warhomes, after attempts of communicate with them over radio or comm failed. As we approached, with just our headlights on, they shined a bunch of searchlights on us. When we were close enough, I took the microphone and spoke over the megaphone. "Attention crew of Urbandersnacheron IV. This is Prince Ferrajalt, Overwhelm Primate of the Derolbam Team, accompanied by Granticaine Chug Perion. We have answers to all the questions you must have." As we inched closer, I saw the petit form of Ky Ly Quids standing on the deck, her pirate uniform fluttering in the wind. She too held a microphone, and spoke over a megaphone. "Took you guys long enough! Ha ha--just kidding. How do you want to board?" "Um--we have aircraft which can land on your deck--they're pretty small--you just have to clear a small area." I said, feeling kind of self-conscious that everyone was hearing me. "Well, come on over. There's plenty of room!" she said. "Let's go." I commed to Grant, and we both got into our planes and flew (more like hovered) over to the deck of the Urbandersnacheron. Ky Ly was there to greet us. "Brought some answers, have ye?" she said. "Uh-huh." I responded, getting out of my plane. I looked around--not that many people here. I recognized some of them from Overwhelm. All of them looked tired and anxious for an explanation. "What happened to your crew?" Granticaine asked. "Lost most of 'em in the happening. Only ten of us left--all Primate, too." "Interesting." Grant said. "Well," I said, "to give you all a brief overview of what's happened, this world is Daptin's Land--it was created by Daptin Gone. You should know him--he was a Quality Scout--he must have been aboard your ship on a number of occasions." "I remember him." Ky Ly said. "So this is his world? Huh. That's pretty weird." "Yeah." I said. "Apparently, something that happened on a mission he was on caused all of reality to fall apart. I got here through a very convoluted series of events--probably similar to how you got here. But other than you guys and the Derolbam Team, only the folks that were with Daptin when he created this world still exist. As far as we know, everything else has been wiped out." "I don't believe that." Ky Ly said with a cute little frown. "So how many of the Brightful Seventeen are left?" Granticaine asked, leaning against a railing and looking at the group of Primate sailors around us. "Ten." Ky Ly said, looking grim. "But all of us survived the initial disintegration. What happened afterward--I don't know if you'd even believe it. But we lost a lot of our friends, just to get here." "What happened?" I asked. "Poor Peter." Ky Ly said, shaking her head and looking as if she were about to cry. "Funny." Caffeine said from where he sat on a wooden chair. A big kind of monster guy, he was, covered in tan fur. "I never believed the kid." "Me neither." Ky Ly said, and then she did begin to sob a little. "What?" I asked gently. Ky Ly sniffled a little and then answered. "He... he said he was... his parents, they released some sort of a spirit from a fountain, and it gave them two wishes. They... they wished for a mountain of gold. And that's just what they got--a big mountain of pure gold. Their other wish was for a way to move it, to transport it. The spirit obliged, in a bastard way as they usually do in these tales--he turned the mountain of gold into a little baby. Told 'em all they had to do was kill the child and the mountain of gold would reappear. So of course, y'know now, they fell in love with the kid. They couldn't have any on their own I think. So this fellow, this means of transporting the fantastically valuable mountain--that was our Peter." "So he, uh..." I said. The pirate girl looked right at me. "I don't know how hard a time you guys had getting here, but we had a hell of a one." I shrugged. "Let's just say we needed A LOT of gold in a hurry." Ky Ly said. "And that we had an object copier." I started to get the drift. "So..." I said. "So we kept making copies of Peter, killing each one as it came out, letting each mountain of gold fall to the surface." "Um..." I said, confused. "So what happened?" "I should have seen it coming. The damn copier ran out of juice, and we needed just that ONE MORE mountain of gold, or we'd all be history. Peter offered, and we accepted. And that's it. I always thought stories that ended that way were stupid--setting someone up to make the supreme sacrifice, but it f*cking happened to us." "I'm sorry." I said. "Yeah, so am I. I'm sorry all this had to happen." the pirate girl said. I let out a sharp breath and raised my eyebrows, nodding, trying to soak it all in. Huh, I thought we had it bad with the ocean liner. Me and Granticaine hung out with the pirates for awhile, hearing the unbelievable tale of what they went through to get here to Daptin's Land. They lost not only Peter Yektil, but also Dandy Banish, Vladimir Bonk, Edkay Delvibane, Kove Splate, Yaude Wireflape, and Ky Ly's lover, Svorguv Diir. Then Ky Ly invited us for some dinner below, and when I approached the table, a grabbed a big black coat that was draped over a chair and moved it to another chair against the wall. I was halfway through the process of sitting down when I realized the entire room had grown suddenly silent, all eyes focused on me. "What?" I said. No one responded. Finally, Baw Veppen spoke. "Did you just move that coat?" "Uh, yeah. Why--was I not supposed to touch it?" Ky Ly moved toward me. "Try to move it again." she said. "Uh, okay." I said, puzzled. Turning around, I grabbed the coat, lifted it, then dropped it back to the chair. "I'll be damned." Ky Ly said. "What?" I asked, getting a little impatient. "What's wrong?" "Hold on a second." the pirate girl said, and she came beside me and tried to grab the coat herself. She tried her best, but she couldn't budge it at all from where I dropped it. "I don't get it." I said. She looked right at me, pointing at the coat. "That's Edkay's Greatcoat. It's an immovable object, except to him. None of us could get it off that chair." "So?" "So--somehow you're able to move it." "Okay..." I said, confused. Granticaine came up to us. "You mean, Ky Ly, that I couldn't move the coat? At all?" he said. "You shouldn't be able to." she said. So Granticaine grabbed at the Greatcoat with no luck. Then he bent over, placing his hands behind the Greatcoat and pulling with all his might. It remained completely unmoved. My friend turned to me. "Let's see you do it again." he said. I shrugged and picked up the Greatcoat with no problem. I mean, it was a little heavy, but not immovable. "Edkay had Royalhero K/N Channel heritage." Ky Ly said. "He thought that might have been why he could take the coat." "I'm royalty," I said, "but I don't know what all that means." "He must really be dead--the coat only accepts one hero at a time. So it's yours, if you want it." she said. I carefully picked up the Greatcoat and looked at it. "This is the coat I've heard of--with all the cool stuff inside and everything?" I asked. "Yup." Ky Ly said. "And it's mine now?" "Uh-huh." "Huh." As everyone watched me, I slowly put the Greatcoat on. As soon as it was on, it felt a whole lot lighter. I also became aware of things about the coat--like a sixth sense, I could feel conduits of force and power within the coat. And I knew it was mine. I remember that we sat down to eat, but my mind was racing--racing in the ways of the Greatcoat. I felt powerful and calm--and nowhere near connected to the conversations going on around me. Ten more people for Daptin's Land--ten more contributors to the gene pool it seems. Daptin has been hinting this way for a few days now--acting like he's joking, but I know he's serious. He wants to populate his Land. And people are the only animals he has. Ten Primates, Overwhelm primadonnas like me. Bellicose Billion, Norlime Eckert, Ow Muchy Moyar, Toggle Joseph, Ky Ly Quids, Caffeine, Baw Veppen, Zoipin Jurple Jupter, Flicker Sa, and of course, Hilltop Jone Rallity. A nice bunch. Half boys, half girls. Nice. I don't know. I just wasn't with it after I put the Greatcoat on. Granticaine was explaining it all to them, how we'd leave them with a Warhome when we left and everything. But I know what I wanted to do. I didn't eat a thing, and about fifteen minutes after we sat down, I excused without concern for decorum and went up to the deck. Looking up, I saw that even grid of stars in the sky, and a few shapes floating here and there. And I knew I wanted to rise up, to be up there with those things. I extended my arms outward at my sides, and willed myself to rise, which I did. Cool, I thought--now I can fly. I remember all those dreams I used to have--about gaining the ability to fly, and the big let-down when I'd wake up and realize it was only a dream. But now--now I was flying. Flying straight up, my head tilted back, looking up. Soon the galleon and the two Warhomes were barely-visible specks below me. The air pressure began to thin considerably, but it didn't bother me--somehow, the coat was protecting me, as I knew it would. I rose faster and faster, and soon it was apparent that these stars weren't millions of light years away, but only a couple hundred miles above the surface. And before I knew it, I was at the level of the plane of the stars--which shone in a straight line all around me. I headed for the nearest one, and got to it in a few minutes. Maybe the size of a golf ball the thing was--a brilliant little light burning oh so bright. I reached out to touch it, but knew that wouldn't be possible. Every time I got half the remaining distance to it, I kept going slower and slower. So I forgot about touching it and looked upward at the firmament, the dome which covered Daptin's Land. I rose, and it was only about a mile before I got to it. I was black, deep black, with very little texture--but enough so that I could see it in the light of the stars from below. It was right above me, and when I held my hand up, I touched it. It felt like stone, but infinitely more sturdy. It made me feel good to touch it. This was the vaulted ceiling above this world. I regarded with contempt the model of the universe I was taught in school--about the aching void of space, about how small our world was in the scheme of things. All nonsense, of course. There was a firmament just like this one over the Earth I came from. I knew about it, I knew it all. I was getting it from the coat. The coat was full of information. I looked down at Daptin's Land, maybe the only place left in all of everything. I could have flown back to the Center of Creation much faster than in my Warhome, but I didn't want to leave Granticaine stranded. But there was time. I floated up so that my back was to the firmament, and I rested there. I put my hands behind my head and relaxed all the muscles in my body, just hanging there, suspended by the Greatcoat, gazing down at Creation. And I had a little nap--the best nap I ever had. *OW* [[17029CN]] Contents of OsoaWeek029, February 9, 1995 BEGIN 01 029 CV--Cover 02 029 HR--Hemisinister Review 03 029 HT--Halfevil Times 04 029 ZP--Zope 05 029 CZ--Classic Zope 06 029 LA--Lord of Obliviana 07 029 NH--Nihilistica 08 029 OL--Obliviana Primal 09 029 NJ--New Jersey 10 029 FE--Friction Enhancer 11 029 DC--Dashic 12 029 AB--Antebellum 13 029 SU--Superior 14 029 DH--Dehumidifier 15 029 SA--Severe Repair Almanac 16 029 SR--Severe Repair 17 029 CN--Contents END *OW* [[END029OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----