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|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 35--3/23/95 <------- || OsoaWeek || Issues || Book 3 || -------> (Cup OWis035, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN035OW]] [[01035CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 3 5 * * * March 23, 1995 "The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!" by Frank Edward Nora INSIDE THIS ISSUE! * More from the OsoaWeek Emergency Center! * The New York City Commuter Crossbow Initiative * Dark Crystal II * PowerBook Dreams * Diary of a Dreamfrank * Wet Metaphysical Blanket * Seeing the Earth in the Sky * A Meeting with Gilligan * 911 in a Dream * Ivana Trump * War-Mongering Ways * Sherilyn Fenn * New Egypt, NJ * Platinum Blonde Fire Engine * "Speed Limit 85 MPH" * The Trouble with God * And a whole lot more! * HEY--WOULD LIFE BE THE SAME WITHOUT THIS!? (Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim, digital ASCII copies of this copyrighted ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction require written permission from Frank Edward Nora.) OsoaWeek is published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement, and originates from New Jersey, USA. Copyright 1995 Frank Edward Nora . All contents by Frank Edward Nora unless otherwise noted.Phone: 1-800 OBLIVIANA E-mail: obliviana@aol.com Mail: Osoa, P.O. Box 60, Iselin, NJ 08830-0060 Character count: 57154 / Line count: 1531 The Table of Contents is at the very end of this file. For the mail order Catalog of Obliviana, send an e-mail request to obliviana@aol.com. *OW* [[02035HT]] Halfevil Times ***HALFEVIL TIMES HOPING*** WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF... ...they gave every NY commuter a loaded crossbow to shoot at homeless people? ...Jim Henson faked his death and has spent the last few years working on an ultra-secret Dark Crystal II? *OW* [[03035LA]] Lord of Obliviana Oh yeah! I just finished both OsoaWeek033 AND OsoaWeek034! Wow. In one fell emergency swoop, I climbed 14 days toward being on schedule again! As of right now, I'm just 11 days behind--an hour ago I was 25 days bad! Shooh. Glad I got that done. Gotta get up for work in a few hours. Y'know--with these emergency protocols, I think I just might be able to get this issue out soon--very soon. Just think--if I get it done today, I'll just be 4 days behind! Yes! Yes! Yes! I AM CATCHING UP! Well... It's about a week later now. 17 days behind. Been having an awfully hard time. Been working on Obliviana War. Been wondering and planning for the future of Obliviana. Gonna move in about 7 weeks. Think I'll get a PowerBook so I can write on the train, 'cause I'll be on train over 2 hours a day when I move. So I am having difficulty in writing. Thing is, a lot of my existing material needs a lot of work to get to an acceptable level. Having to revisit my past. Not too easy. But I think I'll do it today, this issue at least. You know, it's weird--AOL hasn't posted OsoaWeek033 or 034 yet. I wonder why. I mean, I'm pretty paranoid now that the Nomads cartoon got rejected for a hint of sexual material. I mean, there's some stuff in those issues--the last one especially--that's pretty intense. So I hope they haven't rejected it or anything. Oh yeah--about that Nomads cartoon--I uploaded it to the Mac Multimedia forum, but after a week or two it's not posted and I got no mail regarding it. Well, I just went on and 033 and 034 are there--but there's some crap about them being zipped the wrong way or something. Hell. I gotta set up shop on the Internet. I know that now. Not because of the hype--but because places like AOL are full of restrictions and whims. If I had an Internet site, I could put whatever I wanted there and folks on AOL and everywhere else could still access it, via FTP or whatever. Also, I could have the WWW page which would also aid in access to Obliviana. Of course, I have to get over this slump and into the Fourth Book of OsoaWeek before I can even think of doing anything like that. Including this issue, there are five left before the Fourth Book is set to begin, 18 days from now. What I have planned for the Fourth Book is to split it up into three or four Embers. An Ember is an "E-Mail-Based Entertainment Release". So instead of having to seek out OsoaWeek, it'll conveniently appear in your E-mail every week. But now, it'll be split up, and each release will be staggered. That is, you'll get a new Obliviana Ember every few days. Right now, it looks like the Embers will be, first, "Obliviana Primal", which will describe the game and virtual world aspect. Second, "Forge of Wander", which will contain the fun stuff (Hemisinister Review, Zope, Halfevil Times, etc.). Third, Severe Repair, with a new chapter each week. Embers will measure from 10K to 15K, I think, and will be collected in the weekly OsoaWeek, which will be smaller than the current OsoaWeek. 30K to 45K, if I follow this plan, as opposed to 50K to 100K right now. But I may have a fourth section in OsoaWeek which is stuff not found in the Embers--stuff like Dehumidifier, with material I created in the pre-OsoaWeek era. Also, Severe Repair Almanac is a possibility. Well now! Whattaya know? I just bought a PowerBook 150! Why, you ask? To write on the train, of course! Yup. I'm gonna be moving farther away from NYC, so I'll be spending at least two hours a day on New Jersey Transit! Now, I can work on OsoaWeek on the railroad at least ten hours a week! Sounds pretty good, eh? Now now, don't worry. I know that such plans often disintegrate and fail to work out--but in this case, it makes sense. The only sacrifice I'll have to make is not listening to Howard Stern in the morning--can't listen and write at the same time, after all! Yeah, I'm writing on the PowerBook right now, albeit in my living room, a few meters from my desktop model. I'm trying to get some sense of how it'll feel to write on this thing. And y'know--it feels okay. I can tell I'll need some sort of wrist rests, though. The one thing is, this PowerBook was a floor model at CompUSA. I got about $150 off, but I'm still a little apprehensive. At $1246, though, it's about as cheap a notebook computer as I'm gonna get, I think. Yeah, it's April 9, 1995 right now. A Sunday. Can I really afford this? Ah, whatever. I just had an idea--record a song into the Mac at the lowest sound quality and play it back on the PowerBook! It's be kind of disruptive on the train, though... Ah, let me try it! I did it. "Lounge Act" by Nirvana. It works pretty good. Somewhere in the 200K to 300K range. Be kinda annoying to others on the train though. Yeah--I remember once on the train someone with a PowerBook with its annoying system sounds beeping at full volume. So whenever I'm on a train, I'll keep the volume OFF! Gee, what a good citizen I am. Whatever. You know, this could be pretty cool. I mean, writing with a pen in a little notebook just isn't the same. I need computer to write. Huh. Look at that. There's a PowerBook battery indicator right here in Word. Huh. Whattaya know. So the big test is gonna be writing while sitting between two people on the train--'cause unfortunately, that's the only way I'm gonna guarantee myself a seat! Well here I am again now. This issue is done in its raw stage. Just gotta do all that finalization work and then upload it! Huh, pretty great and cool and wonderful and... There are dark days, these always precede bright days. Get All Obliviana. *OW* [[04035NH]] Nihilistica DIARY OF A DREAMFRANK You know, I guess I have a pretty hectic life, being unemployed and publishing a magazine and stuff, but my dream self really has it tough. Here's some examples of my average dream day. 2/6/91...Today me and my friend went into a high school and I met an old friend of mine, but he pretended he didn't know me, like he was brainwashed or something. It was between classes, and there were hordes of students in the hallways. We went down a steep ramp, which they had instead of a staircase. Then I took my pants off and left them there, and I don't know why. Then we had to go back and get my pants back from a teacher. I recited some poetry or something and she was very impressed. Then later I found an enormous rock formation in the front yard. I put a wet metaphysical blanket over it in case it had supernatural properties. I thought it might have been an ancient staircase which my father had unearthed and put there, upside down. I went inside to ask him, but I couldn't find him. When I went back out the rock formation had been replaced by my light-blue Volkswagen Rabbit and some bushes. I went around the side of the house to find my friend, but was unable to. When I returned to the site, everything was gone, so I checked all the bushes in the front yard. Discovering nothing, I went to the site, and found that a new window into the basement had appeared. A friend came over, and we looked inside, and there were all these weird little fairies in there, sort of dressed in colorful superhero costumes. Then the idea that there were giants, humans, little folks, and tiny folks came to my mind, and I saw images of old engraving of humans and giants having sex. Apparently these fairies were the tiny folks. I knew they were extremely dangerous, so we started occult battling them. That was it for the day. 2/6/91...I went somewhere with my mom and my brother and sister and my friend today--I forget where--but on the way home we were driving through a town and we saw the Earth in the sky. It was really big, and it had a red tinge to it. I saw all of North and South America, as well as Europe and Africa. There were few if any clouds. Then after I got home I got to thinking, and I came began to wonder how we could see the Earth in the sky if we indeed on the surface of the Earth. I discussed the matter with my father, and he said I had a good point, but how did I explain the fact that the Earth could be seen in the sky. I said that perhaps all of reality was different than we supposed, and that the Earth and Moon were just projections of some sort. I said, if we're in New Jersey, you could see the general location of New Jersey on the Earth in the sky, and how could we be looking at it if we were in it? My father was bemused, but unshaken. Later I went bowling, and I had a weird green bowling ball, and I was with a few friends, but I was bowling alone in the end alley. I was really clumsy, and I kept dropping the ball and always getting gutter balls, but the pin-setting mechanism was busted, and every time a got a gutter ball it would grab all the pins and shake them till they fell down. Because of this I was getting a strike every time. Then a friend came up to me and said I was cheating. Then later on I got two new cartridges for my Atari Lynx, and went down to a restaurant to hear a speaker. The guy was talking about some sort of philosophy or something, but it was really boring. So I was going to leave, but I went into the men's room first, and it was really weird. There was all sorts of porno crap on sale, like magazine and videos. I went up to a urinal and pissed, but some f*ckin' queer was staring at me. I said "Hey pal, you got a problem?" He just kept staring at me, like he was a retard or something. So I ignored him, but there was all this gross stuff on the urinal, and it got on my pants, so I was using a paper towel or something to get it off, but it was really hard to get off. Then all of a sudden the bathroom was crowded--with men and women. Then I sort of left and that was it for the day. 2/13/91...this evening me and my father drove out to Pennsylvania. We were driving through a city (Scranton? Reading?) and I suggested we stop in and see a few of my old friends who lived there. So we parked in a driveway and walked over to the building where they were. Outside there was a sewer grating with water streaming down into it in some kind of remarkable way. When we went into the lobby of the building, my two friends were there. The elevator was out of order, and they had to wait till it was fixed, 'cause there weren't any stairs. I asked them why there wasn't a ladder in the elevator shaft, but they just shrugged. Soon the elevator was fixed, and we went up to their floor. Even though their apartment was just a little ways down the hallway, they made us get into a little monorail of some sort to go to their apartment. But it was farther than I thought to their door, because we soon found ourselves on an interstate, passing shopping malls and billboards and stuff. Then we passed a college and I asked them if it was Albright College, but they just shrugged. Then later it was daytime and me and a friend were driving on a weird mountain road, and conversing obsessively about Gilligan's Island for hours and hours. I think at one point we met an aged Gilligan and talked to him for a while. That was it for the day. 2/14/91...Earlier today I was up in a building with my friends, and things got really messed up, and they were destroying the place and throwing things out the window, to the cheers of people below. Later I was in a bathtub and maybe drinking Yoo-Hoo, and I was discussing a plan with my girlfriend. Then later, I was in a city, walking through the streets. It was dark, like it was about to rain, and there some government agency was explaining an incident by showing these weird needle things fly high above the city streets. But then a few of them swooped down and one nicked me in the arm. It sort of hurt, and I knew I could hold the government responsible, so I went into a big office supply store to call the police. I dialed zero for the operator, and when he came on, I said that I was Frank and could he please connect me with 911. He hesitated, then connected me. By this time, there were a few weird people hanging around, standing near me and looking at me, pissing me off. Then a guy answered and said "hey, Frankie baby". I asked if it was 911, but the guy just laughed and said "I don't think so." Then I left the store 'cause the people were really bugging me, and I saw a doctor's office on a weird steep hill, so I headed up there to see if there was a phone. It was nighttime by now, and on the steep steps I saw some giant dimes, about 6" across. Then I realized it was just an illusion to help me find coins. I found a number of coins then. When I got to the top of the hill, I was walking around the little building, and I heard a mother yelling at these evil kids who had just killed some people. Then she told them to go and play, so I ran away as fast as I could. Soon, I saw these four bad kids blocking pedestrian traffic in an enclosed walkway of some sort. The four of them were holding the crowd back, and the edge of the crowd was a wall of rice, for some reason. From a distance, I saw that one of the kids was Martha Quinn from MTV. Then as I zoomed in, I saw that another of the kids was Chris Elliot, of former David Letterman fame. At the edge of the crowd was his father, Bob Elliot, of the famous Bob and Ray. He seemed thinner and younger than I remembered and he was making cynical comments. I heard him say "You know, I wish he'd listen to my idea and stuff a bomb in this crowd, or have one overhead." Chris replied "Oh dad, you know I'm waiting for a girl who's pregnant with an atomic bomb." Then another of the kids, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, of former SNL fame, cleared her threat and said "Uh, Chris..." She was wearing black, and she was sitting down, with her back to the wall. She was pregnant. Chris was ecstatic. Apparently she was the one he had waited for, one who was pregnant with an atomic bomb. That was it for the day. 2/14/91...This afternoon we were at a train station in the city. A friend of mine gave me a piece of paper with a few names on it, and he told me to go to the end of a platform and pry open a locked door. I went there, and the platform was strewn with debris--apparently unused. I found the door and pried it opened, revealing a flight of stairs going up to the left, and a few dozing bums. I walked up the stairs and found myself in an apartment. I saw a woman in the next room, so I knocked on the wall. I thought she'd be upset that I was there in her apartment, but she just greeted me and asked what I wanted. I told her I wanted to talk to the guy whose name was first on the list, but she said he was out. Then I asked about the second guy, but he was also out. But she said the money was right there at the bottom of the stairs, and that I could just take it. So I went down the stairs and found a huge wad of big bills near the bums. I took it and went over to the other platform where my friends were waiting for me. With the money, we were able to get on the train and get going. Later on, we were walking up a hill to see Donald Trump's house. There were other tourists around, and it was a sunny day. So we went up to the door and knocked, and some sort of butler let us in, and we went in, even though we assumed it was a misunderstanding. Then we Ivana Trump came out and greeted us, and she took us into a room where there were a bunch of people sitting around stiffly watching CNN coverage of the War in the Gulf. Me and my friends, one of whom was a stout oriental girl, sat cross-legged behind a couple a big chairs in the corner. But some people were motioning to us. We thought they wanted us to leave, but I got the message that we shouldn't be crouching behind the couch, but rather sitting on chairs just like them. So we sat on chairs. I didn't think we should be there, but because we were allowed in, I thought I'd just go along. Then I saw some of that black-and-white footage of an allied plane bombing an Iraqi target with a smart weapon. Then I was talking to some guy about the personal license you need to broadcast over the radio, and how it relates to being allowed to wear underwear. That was it for the day. 2/17/91...A pressurized wheat storage facility which shoots wheat ten feet into the air. Canadian border guards check the corn in my trunk for contraband. 2/20/91...As a government agent me and my fellow agents raid a new age shop and confiscate its wares. From there, I bring home a little blue coaster with a girl's face on it, and a threatening message written on the back. A gang of evil shapeshifters posing as a family of goats knock on the basement door--I yell for them to leave because it's private property, and they do, since they must obey all laws, but they come right back, having gotten off for a moment. Later in the backyard I was knocking down trees by powerfully punching them, and them tossing them into the woods to create art or something. I left a few standing so my parents wouldn't be too pissed-off. Later, I meet George Bush in an elevator, but he leaves his camera behind as he leaves. I return it to him, and as a favor he visits a female friend of mine and flops on a bed with her. 2/22/91...Germany is due east of New Jersey. I'm there on my bike, riding home. Then, some f*ckin' dogs attack me, so I make their owner put them in the back of his truck in a basket with some other dogs. Later, in a brass-surplus store, a seismograph reacts violently to me--the salesgirl says its because of my war-mongering ways. 2/21/91...Get on subway in Manhattan (6th Ave. Line) and wind up in Los Angeles. Miss my stop and get to sunny college area, with laser show nearby. Later, I get on a boat and sail to Castle Bodoni, where weird typeface stuff is going on. Also, somehow I inhabited the body of Sherilyn Fenn, and was standing in front of a mirror looking at myself and feeling myself. I was listening to a previously recorded interview with Ms. Fenn, and noted that I was then in the same body that had been at the interview. 2/18/91...I see Gov. Mario Cuomo and Sen. Ted Kennedy at the entrance of a parking garage arguing over who was going to be the next president (talk about nightmares!). 2/23/91...I know a girl in a department store who's involved in Satanism. She is killed, apparently by Satan. When I get home, there is an unsigned contract with Satan by my bed. I violently rip it up and vow to kill Satan. Also, the 4th occurrence of a dream where I have to go back to high school. I tell my fellow students that it's really weird, because I had 3 dreams about it previously. Also, putting Letraset on my cat. 2/16/91...Rosanne Barr driving a school bus down an extremely steep and bumpy hill. *OW* [[05035NJ]] New Jersey SON OF 10 REALLY WEIRD NJ TOWN NAMES Munion Field New Egypt Archers Corner Presidential Lakes Alpine Porchtown Raven Rock Alpha Smoke Rise Retreat *OW* [[06035SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 189 Ferver in bending bang, the whole group has disbanded, and it's up to our heroes to save the day when there's no one left. The work of the day is the restoration of a man's pride, clearing the charges brought against him, but in the final analysis, the man had to make up his own mind. He's a guy all nervous and shaken, wanted by the police, and they give him shelter and help. What shall we do to-day? Pretend to repair a building! The whenner is blen. Dorker than whevevver, and none to boot! Guys, ya gotta save me! SUPERIOR 190 The staid platinum blonde fire engine in particle deep pavement on the Johnson Continuum was get the real Fred. Sting her autonomy, guy, join and jump to school hallways and school cooking class. Waiting in the freeze, friends made and lost in frenzy hours later. Yeah, magic symbols, it matters. SUPERIOR 191 Yo, go to the sewing store! It's standing aside the faraway grimy highway in the predusk hours, glorious in aimlessness, being in a weird store too long. Getting! I wanna know! What was the past, and can I get it back! Ah! Ah! That is where I wanna go today! That is where I shall be! Oh yes! I wanna go to the Bergen County Mall and environs. SUPERIOR 192 Raunchy. We can head into a future as good. People people people it's much more from where you're standing than what you're experiencing. Havva candle you don't know. Cubica madness, it twas all worth it. Lost iy. Craunch. You know, it's a strange pleasure to walk through unexpected tunnels of sunny NY and NJ. Sweet 17, it's all coming together. Um. *OW* [[07035SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 35: "Speed Limit 85 MPH" "I think maybe we should stop for the night soon." That's what I was afraid of. Lunatether speaking those words. "Yeah I guess." was my response. So here we were, driving down a lonely highway. It's funny--we had to cross a border, and we just handed the guy a thousand dollars and he just looked at the money and then back at us. He nodded a slight nod and we took off. It looked like we just granted his wish or prayer or something. It was weird. Bandelion was doing okay in the back. Tough beasts, these tock hounds. And very loyal. I can imagine the fate of anyone attempting to assault Lunatether with Bandelion around--that monster could shred anybody in about a second. Well, not me, but any normal person. But yeah--the idea of stopping at a motel and the bed that'd probably be in the room. Yeah, usually a bed or two in motels. Huh. Could it be? To me, the night before, I had been visited by Lunatether in her android form, and we made love. But now--now it was different. She wore Hilltop's body, the body I so lusted after. Yeah, much better than the android. As that, she was blatantly rubbery and mechanical--pretty high-tech, but nowhere near human. She felt it though--or so she said. But what was she? A computer? No way. She had feeling and quirks and energy and vitality--no way was she a computer. But what? All I know is that Injure Bodoni and Ann Saply created the first Stormbolthouse, Leitmotif. I guess they made the central control system so advanced that it was indistinguishable from a human intelligence. Or maybe... well--if they wanted it like that, it was a mistake. Just look at Lunatether--she shrugged off her stunningly huge, powerful Stormbolthouse body in favor of a small, soft, weak human form. In relative terms that is--Hilltop was neither small nor soft nor weak. Well, maybe soft... Ah, I don't know. So now, like, are me and Lunatether already lovers, or what? And I mean, she seems to be obsessed with me and stuff. Should I get into it? Won't I just wind up hurting her? I mean, am I really ready to say she'll be the only girl for me for the rest of my life? I had no answers to these questions. I just thought about seeing Hilltop naked, and being able to touch her and do stuff with her--or rather--with her body. It's funny--I guess it was her body that I liked more than her, 'cause I didn't think I'd be missing anything, her consciousness replaced by another. I yawned and rubbed my eyes as I stopped at a red light. "I guess we might find one in this town." I said. "Let's hope." We drove into the small town and soon came to an okay-looking motel. Certainly not fit for royalty, but I've always kind of retched at the idea of royalty deserving so much better of everything, so it was perfect for me, I guess. "Alright." I said. "I'll check in and get the room--and I don't know what you're gonna do with Bandelion--is she okay to stay in the truck all night? I mean, does she have to go, you know..." "Well, she'll be alright, but I want to take her out for a walk so she can relieve herself and recover from today's drive." "Where the heck are we gonna do that around here?" "Don't worry--tock hounds can feel the light of human vision and avoid it. She'll not be seen by anyone." "Well okay." I said. "So you want me to check in and stuff while you do it?" "That's acceptable." "Okay... okay." I said awkwardly, and then I hesitantly kissed Lunatether goodbye. Out of the truck, I strode to the motel office. The cool evening air filled my nose, my windpipe, my lungs. Yeah. Felt good to be free of the truck. I didn't know what would happen between me and Lunatether in the room. Make love, probably. I felt like it. But I wondered--would I be setting Lunatether up for a fall if I made love to her "officially" in her human body? That is, with her almost obsessive love for me, and my wanderlust and lust for all ladies in general, would I be guaranteeing her eventual emotional ruin? Ah, time enough to think of such things tomorrow. * * * Doug sat in the library at a partially enclosed desk, next to a balcony, trying to read from a history text, but finding it difficult to concentrate. He looked down at the reading area below, then across the space to the stack on the opposite side on his level. Then, seeing something on the edge of his vision, he looked up two levels and saw Sally Sust there waving her arms at him, and then, seeing that she had gotten his attention, motioned with her hand for him to go up there. She expressed urgency in her motions, and Doug responded by holding up one finger in a "just a second" sort of way, gathering up his books, and heading over the stairs. Going up the stairs, Doug dropped several of his books, but gathered them up quickly and headed toward the spot where he had seen Sally. As he approached the spot, however, Sally was nowhere in sight. He walked up to the balcony and looked around. He then saw Sally way back in the stacks, again motioning for him to follow. He started towards her and she disappeared around a corner. He continued on towards where he had just seen her, and then, as he came to that point, he again saw her in the distance, further back into the stacks. The stacks which were now resembling more of a forest than the internals of a library. He began moving towards her again, but this time she stood still. He approached her. "What's up?" Doug asked. "Shhhh. We have to be careful." Sally cautioned. "Okay." Doug said in a quiet tone. Sally stared at him for a few moments, then looked around, apparently thinking. "Doug, we found some rooms--they seem to be designed into the architecture of this place as to be unnoticed--we don't think anyone's been in them for a long time." "Yeah? You and who else?" "Well, me and Andrea for now." "What about Yage?" "We tried to call but you were both out. And I haven't seen him all day." "Yeah this is just the sort of thing he'd be into." "You wanna see 'em?" "The rooms?" "Yeah dummy, the rooms." "Of course!" "Okay come on!" Sally grabbed Doug's arm and pulled him along with her as she led him back into a dimly lit area of stacks. She then looked around, and then leaned down and started removing books from the bottom of a shelf. She looked up at Doug and said, "In here." With that, she went down on all fours, and then flattened her body out and wiggled into the shelf until she was gone from view. Doug looked at this with a puzzled expression, as it looked quite comical. Then Sally peeked her head out from where she had entered and said, "Come on! Don't be chicken!" Doug then knelt down next to the shelf and Sally slid back into the space. Doug then bent down further and saw Sally crouching inside a very dimly lit space, but he did see a few patches of sunlight behind her. "Come on, hey?" she said. Doug first passed his books in to her and then reluctantly crawled his way into the space. Sally moved aside as he did this. Soon he was inside a room with a normal-heighted ceiling, lit by some sunlight coming in from gratings up above. He stood up and began looking around. As he did, Sally went partially back out of the opening, apparently replacing the books she had removed from the shelf. "I can't believe no one ever found this place." Doug said quietly. "Well, I think people may have found THIS room, anyone studying 'relational abellophremy', that is." she said, reading the title page of one of the books " But you must admit you'd have to be pretty astute to notice a space behind the books." "Hmm." "But this isn't one of the rooms I was talking about " Sally said as she got up. "This'd be a cool place to hang out after the library closes, huh?" "Sure would." Doug said, thinking immediately of using the space as a sex nest of some sort. Sally crossed across the room and knelt down by one of the corners. "Over here is where the good stuff begins..." she said, and then lifted up the carpet at the corner, revealing a wooden floor. She then stuck her finger into a hole in one segment of wood and lifted up the whole board, trying hard not to make too much noise. She looked up at Doug. "See? This is where it gets interesting." she said. "Doug crossed over to the corner Sally was in and looked down into the space revealed under the floor — it was a concrete surface about three feet below the floor he was then standing on. Sally then went down into the space. "We have to crawl for a little while here." she said. "But you go first, 'cause I have to replace the board after we go in." "Why? Who'll come in?" "I don't know, but if anyone sees those books out there messed up, they might look in here--and if they do, I want to keep this part a secret." "Okay, no problem." So Doug got into the hole and crouched down, rubbing against Sally as he did, since she remained in the hole also. He looked at her as he was descending, and they stared at each other at close proximity for several seconds before Sally smiled and turned away. Then Doug looked down into the space, and saw that a tunnel extended into the distance, away from where they had come from, but was completely dark. "You want me to go in there?" he asked. "Believe me, it's worth it." "Okay." And Doug began to crawl on all fours into the darkness on the cold cement floor. "Nothing will be the same after this." Doug thought, for some reason, as he slid into a seeming oblivion. From behind him he heard Sally sliding the board back into place, as he also saw what little light there was disappear. "How'd you get the rug back in place?" Doug asked. "Well, I pulled the rug back into place first, and then just slid the board back into position." "Uh huh. Hey, where I am going, anyway." "You'll see." "You know, if you wanted to kill me, this would be a great way to do it." "That's a nice thing to say." "Sorry." So Doug continued on, and heard Sally following behind him. In this space, he was able to crawl rather comfortably, but the top of the space did rub against his back as he did so. "Hey, are my books still out there?" Doug asked. "Oh yeah, they are." "Well what if someone looks inside? My name is in those books — they'd know I was in here!" "Oh don't be so paranoid. They'd see there was nobody in the room and figure you just hid them there for some reason." "Uh huh... I guess so." "You know so." The crawlspace was continuing for a good distance, in total darkness. "How do I know when I've gotten to where we're going? I can't see a damn thing." "You'll know. It's just a little ways further." Very soon the crawlspace began to angle downwards. "Hey, it's going down!" Doug said. "Yeah, okay, uh, the tunnel ends soon, and there a hatch in the ceiling." "Well I'm not there yet. Say, where exactly are we, anyway? We must be somewhere around the third floor of the building." "Yeah, I guess so. You know all these buildings are really just one big building, so it makes sense that there would be spaces in-between the 'buildings' themselves--that's what this must be." "Well I know what you mean. The buildings are arranged so as to make it seem as if they're separate, I mean, with all the courtyards and such. But weren't they all built at different times? I mean — oh, I'm at the end." Doug's head had gently bumped against a wall at the end of the tunnel. "Okay, well, just open the hatch now, huh?" "Ohhhhhkay." Doug felt above him, and it seemed to be wood, but he could feel no handle. "I can't feel a handle or anything." "Just push." So Doug pushed, and then pushed a little harder, and then the hatch gave way, revealing another room. Doug climbed out of the hole in the floor and marveled at what he saw. It was a medium-sized room with no other apparent means of entry. On of the walls was an amber-tinted window--looking down into the huge main lobby of the college commons! The entire room was pervaded by a dark yellow cast, making its contents seem all the more bizarre. Looking around Doug saw a whole bunch of stuff. But it was the window that concerned him most. "What the--can't they see us up here?" he asked. "That's what I thought." Sally said. "But I went down there afterward--and y'know?--there's no window to be seen. Just gray stone." "How's that possible?" Doug asked, walking over to the window. "I don't know." Sally said. "Huh." "But check it out! Look at all this stuff! It must have been here for ages!" "Yeah." Doug said, taking a better look at all the stuff in the room. It was a collection of all sorts of stuff--shelves stuffed with vases, stuffed animals, cash registers, rocks, decks of cards, fake plants, and the like. There were also a few tables covered with similar junk. But when Doug's eyes reached one of the corners, he felt a sudden shock. He was looking at a speed limit sign, reading "SPEED LIMIT 85 MPH". And hanging from it, a striped shirt. "What is that?" Doug asked in a dark tone. "What?" Sally responded, but Doug was already across the room, grabbing the shirt and burying his face in it, smelling it. Finally, he looked up. "Can't you see? Benny was right! I do have a future!" * * * "Eh, have a seat, won't you?" Letevs Fife said to Edkay Delvibane, motioning towards a large, comfortable-looking chair. Delvibane then sat down. Fife continued, in a somewhat nervous tone. "Edkay, uh... I know this is all very new to you, but... eh, I think we have a very great problem, and, I think you can be of great help in... solving it." Ed cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. Fife continued, "You see,... we are an organization which has some very... uh, idealistic goals. We want to see bridging and the whole of Aconck, eh, really benefit all the Earths it reaches--but in a more, eh, subtle way, you see? We don't want to shove anything down anybody's throat, nor do we want to water down existing cultures." "I see." Delvibane said. "Yes. Yes, you know, we feel that the other... uh, organizations existing in Aconck, eh, which might be considered serious competition for us, uh, do not really have the best interests of the roughly 55 trillion breathers — er, rather, y'know, normal people, living on current Aconck, uh, in mind. So these other groups, we feel are dangerous to the whole of Aconck. So we feel our organization is essential to the well-being of all these people." "I see," Delvibane said, "and I understand that, uh, your group is indeed important, but what is it you want me to do? Other than join, which I am going to do anyway." "Well," said Fife, "I may as well just say it. Now this is going to sound stupid, and I don't know whether you're a religious man or not, but please wait until I explain to come to a conclusion, okay?" "That's fair." Fife let out a long sigh, then began. "Okay. We are having a great deal of difficulty with, uh, with... God." "God?" "Yes, God." "THE God?" "Yes, uh... THE God... on THIS Earth. Apparently each Earth has its own set of deities, and not too many have caught on to bridging yet. But before we discuss anything else, must inform you as to the nature of God. First of all, he is extremely--even hugely--powerful. But he is not, by any definition of the word, either infinite, omnipotent, or omniscient. He is a being who, by luck or by intent, has latched onto the image that the main religion here worships, and either created the role, or through time assimilated the role. But he is a leech. Each and every worshipper powers him, and believe you me, he is a cruel, heartless, corrupt... GANGSTER, if you will. He's playing games with everybody. He's a real... uh, well, to put it plainly, he's a jerk." "Uhhh.... let me backtrack a second. You're referring to the Almighty God, supposed creator of the Universe, and Savior of mankind--and you're saying he's a jerk?" "Yes Edkay, but the term 'jerk' was a reserved one on my part--if you know what I mean." "Yeah... so what sort of trouble are you having with him?" "Ha ha. A better sort of question would be what problems aren't we having with him. Let me tell you. A few months after we established our central headquarters here, God began to make himself known to certain Overwhelm member, including me. He... expressed to us that we were 'invaders', 'heretics' and 'undesirables', and said in very explicit terms that we had to vacate immediately or face the consequences. Well..." "Did you try to reason with him?" "Yes! We tried so much it's not even funny! But he just won't listen to reason. He's totally deluded with himself. He has--and I don't mean this in a funny way--a 'God complex'. He considers himself so far above everything that he need not even listen to the concerns of less-powerful beings." "So what happened?" "Well, nothing at first. Then, about six months later, eh, he began to make things happen. He would cause all sorts of terrible weather around us, and make accidents happen, and give us nightmares, and things like that. We're all very, very pissed-off at God at this point. We've been putting up with his sh*t for the better part of a year now, and we've had just about enough." "So why don't you just leave?" "Eh, that's a good question, but there is a very good reason. As you might or might not know, there is a very... specific structure to Aconck. Now, the world of origination, Red Alley Earth, has the best, most key, most central location. But this Earth we are on now has the second best location. That is crucially important. And also, we feel that we'd face similar problems from Gods on other Earths as well." "So what are you going to do?" "Well I'm glad you asked. First, please realize that we've been over every option in the book--so the final conclusion we came up with is not a hasty or emotional one, but rather our only apparent alternative. We want to kill him." Edkay said nothing, the previous statement apparently taking by surprise. Soon though, he spoke. "You... you want to, uh, kill... God?" "Yeah, that is so." "Kill God." "Yes." "The Almighty God." "Yes." "Kill him." "Yes." Edkay looked around the room. Soon he said "How?" "Eh, well, that's where you come in, see--" "--me? You want me to kill God?" "Well now, don't jump to conclusions! See, we know that you may have the capacity to become extremely powerful--probably more powerful than God. We aren't totally sure, but we're pretty sure, judging from what we know. Now listen, I'm being very honest with you--if you join, we will ask you to help us in this... operation. Now, I give you warning beforehand since I don't want to put you in the position of having to make a decision between Overwhelm and your religious or moral obligations. So there it is." "Uh... well, I don't know if I can help you, but... well, y'know this is a pretty major thing." "I know. Oh, also we have to kill the Devil, and some of the more powerful angels and demons. As for some of the local pantheonic deities that still exist, we'll have to have some talks with them. Don't want anyone trying to take the Almighty's place." "Uh... heh, you want to kill the Devil too?" "Well, even though we haven't had much contact with the Devil, we feel we want him out of the picture, period. He did contact us, offering to help us, but he's obviously a real schnook. At least God is straightforward and honest--he hates our guts and he says so. The Devil is a liar and a cheater, and I'm sure he hates us just as much. And as for the angels and demons, they could replace their bosses, perhaps, so we kill them too." "And what of these local pantheonic guys?" "Well Edkay, these guys used to be pretty powerful, but they're really a bunch of dingbats now. We just don't want them getting any stupid ideas, y'know, of taking God's place. But I think after they see what we can do, they'll know their place." "But what of this world's religions?" "Ha! Are you kidding? God doesn't do squat for his followers--they pump their life's energy into him, and he eats it and consumes it and does nothing to help them. So they won't miss him. Not for a second." "So where will all that energy go?" "We want to, er, install a... being... uh, sympathetic to our cause as the new God, since we have no desire to disrupt the normal flow of religion. We want someone who'll be a little more understanding and helpful to his followers." "Like a puppet deity, so to speak?" "Yeah, yeah... that seems to describe it." "Who?" "Well, I don't know. Someone from off-Earth if possible, so they won't have a vested interest in this Earth per se. We have good relations with some deities on other Earths, so we feel we can find some replacement." "But ultimately they'll answer to you... er, US, right?" "Eh... that's about the size of it, Ed. Y'know... we don't want to be so heavy-handed, but we do need a safe haven to run our organization from. And if you only knew how much effort went into these headquarters!" "Well, uh, Letevs, I'll tell ya what. I'll join and you can tell me all about this plan of yours, and if I agree that it's the only way to go about things, I'll help you. Agreed?" Letevs moved forward and grasped Edkay's hand and shook it. "Agreed! Very reasonable on your part! Excellent! Excellent!" Ed looked around for a second and said "Hey, by the way, can God hear us now?" "Yes, he might be listening. He probably is. But believe me, he won't care. He's so high-and-mighty that he doesn't believe anything can touch him. You'll see, if you have the displeasure of talking to the lout. You'll see." "I think I will." Edkay said. "Oh and by the way, I see you and Coltish Mammock have taking a liking to one another." "Yup." "Well that's good. I was starting to worry about her--she didn't seem to get along with any of the boys too well, y'know? Maybe you'll be good for her." "I think she'll be good for me, too." "Fine. Then we'll talk about killing God later. For now, we'll celebrate your decision to join the Overwhelm!" "Okay!" Delvibane said. * * * "I tell ya, even though we have all these powers, we're still lost and confused with our lives." Timothy Clancy was a guy of average height, hair a multitude of blonds, blacks, reds, browns. Maybe his nose was a little big, his teeth slightly bucked. But he was not foolish looking. He wore what looked like a business suit made out of brown leather. But there were many chains and large brass buttons. His gait was that of somebody urgent, though his manner was that of a fellow who need not fear a soul. He was nasty and abrasive, violent and uncaring. Sometimes. "Lost? That's only the beginning. When I was just a grounded vampire, I thought I was something special. The world had its boundaries; things were simple. It's only now, that such horizons exist, that we can even begin to see just how stupid we really are." Axel Avoid was tall, his hair kinky and oily. Pale flesh, with reserved, somewhat demonic features, typical fangs. A vampire, to be sure. He wore a dirty white undershirt and a pair of faded and ripped blue jeans. He had childlike qualities. Unlike Timothy, he couldn't shift his physical body to alternate worlds, only his astral form. This whole lifestyle was new to him. "Stupid may be too light a word. Try stupefied." "I see what you mean." They walked through a strange area. There were dusty streets, huge buildings, tents, flying motorcycles, neon animals, reptilian soldiers. In short, a dizzying potpourri of cool and amazingly diverse stuff. It was a Reality Port, a place where Reality Travellers from all over would gather to meet, trade, organize, get their bearings, etc. It was also a place for those without latent ability to hire a "ride" to go somewhere. This Port was earthbased. That is, it accommodated to beings from all different variations of planet Earth. These beings were usually anthropomorphicentric (tending to either be or resemble human beings). The variations of Earth were fantastic. Axel and Tim continued on, half-jogging up a staircase in the middle of a busy street, going up very far with no visible means of support. "You really think there's anything to these rumors, Tim?" "Who cares? We'll find out soon enough." Tim had heard that there was a different kind of vampire Axel could be turned into. The problem was complex. Reality Travellers have the ability to alter their bodies as well as their environments. (Some say bodies are part of one's environment.) In any case, attempts were made to give Axel a human body, one that did not need fresh human blood and lack of sunlight to survive. Any attempt to change his body seemed doomed, however. When a new form was introduced, his powerful vampiric soul immediately infected the body with the vampire "virus", turning it vampiric in the matter of a few painful hours. They did manage to remove the susceptibility to sunlight through the use of an interesting procedure. And they also found a Reality where suitable artificial blood was sold. But nothing more could be done. "Tim, when does this f*cking staircase end?" They went on climbing, now several hundred feet above ground level. "Soon. You know there's a law against internal dimension doors at this Port. But there's some loophole so that you can have one high in the air." Indeed, they were approaching a rectangle of darkness, looming larger as they got closer. They arrived; it was a plane the size of a door. When passing through it, as in any dimension door, one would be shifted to another place. Anyway, they went through. It led to a dark hallway. "This is where it is?" asked Axel. "Yeah, this is the Talpurkbrushhe Infoland, if I remember correctly." As they strode down the corridor, the sunlight from outside lit less and less, until they could barely see. But they got to a door, a real door, before the light totally ran out. On the door were large black block letters which read "INFO." Timothy opened it. Inside was a reception area, with an open partition where a receptionist should have been sitting, a low table with various magazines, some couches and fake plants. The light was an irritating incandescent, the sound a neutral muzak. They entered. "Hello?" Tim said. "Hello?" louder. Axel was reading a sheet of paper taped to the wall. "Is anybody here?" yelling. Axel turned towards Tim and started to say something. "Anybody f*cking here? Hello?" "Tim, look, this note... they're on vacation or something." "Vacation? No way!" Tim went over and read the note. "'...and we won't be back for quite some time, so just feel free to ransack our office as we know you'll do anyway'. Those bastards." "Tim, look. This is a stupid idea anyway. I don't mind being a vampire." "F*ck that! If they want us to ransack the office, let's do it!" "That was just some kind of joke, I'm sure they don't want you to really..." But Tim was off. He kicked down a door leading to the office and went in. To his chagrin, however, there was a secretary sitting at a desk. "May I help you?" she asked. "Uh, yeah," Tim said, recovering his composure, "could you, uh, I mean, we need some... information." The secretary was quite attractive. Locks of jet black hair, a cute face with a button nose. "Information?" she said, "Well, it looks like you've come to the right place." An awkward silence. "Go ahead, ask her, Tim." the vampire said. "What would you like to know?" she asked. Clancy responded, "Um... well, y'know, we heard that there was some Reality where there was, you know, a variation on a vampire, called a dadle-something I think." "Dedlezon?" she said. "What?" asked Tim. "Dedlezon. Rhymes with 'cradle's on'." "Yeah, that's it." "That's what?" the vampire asked. "Well," the secretary started, "dedlezons are a close relative to the conventional vampire, but with a few major differences. For one, they primarily consume the life essences of trees, rather than human blood. Also they have different morphic forms and vulnerabilities." "Like what?" Axel asked. "Well, if you like, I can access the file right now." "Okay, why not." The secretary got up and walked over to a computer terminal on a desk covered with papers and junk. In a sweeping motion, she cleared off the computer, sending the papers flying all over the shiny black obsidian floor. She sat down, turned the screen on, and lithely pressed a few keys. Axel and Tim moved closer. Within a few moments, a full color title page appeared on the screen. It was what looked like a human male with pale skin and flowing green hair. A stylized logo said "Dedlezons, Mysterious Tree Vampires of Red Alley Earth." "Here it is," she said, "peruse it at your leisure." "Thank you." Tim said slowly. The girl got up, and Tim took her seat. She then turned towards Axel. "So, you're a vampire, huh?" "Yeah, I guess I am." As soon as he finished replying, the secretary punched him full force in the stomach. Axel wasn't phased in the least, however. He just looked at her. She looked up at him and said, "Yeah, I guess you are a vampire." "I guess I am. Excuse me." Axel moved over to view the screen, the secretary lingering behind them, starting to chew a piece of gum. "I looks to me," Tim said, "as if we've found something." "Here, let me help you." the secretary suddenly cut in, as she moved her hands towards the keyboard. Tim grabbed her arm with alarming speed, and said "No, that's okay. We can manage." Tim continued to keep a firm hold on her, but she just stared at him. Time seemed to be frozen. But the secretary then blew a bubble and let it pop. Tim let go and pushed her away. "What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you folks were on vacation." he said. "Who said I worked here?" "If you don't work here, then what are you doing here?" "I could ask you the same question." Tim and the girl continued to stare at each other, as Axel spoke up. "Look lady, why don't you just tell us who the hell you are." "I don't have to." "Fine, then just let us be." "Okay, I'll tell you. My name is Wreckingball Slunder." Tim shook his head. "So what? Who the hell cares? You probably don't have any powers and want to latch onto us. Good looking babes are a dime a dozen around here. If I want a steady lay as a sidekick I can just shanghai one from any Reality I choose. What, were you brought Portside as cheap labor? Who but a potato would do menial labor such as secretarial work?" "How dare you call me a potato." she was getting mad, "I have powers! I'm probably a million times more powerful than you are!" "Oh yeah? Prove it." "I will." "Go ahead." "I will if you don't shut up." "La La La, I'm not shutting up. Prove it." "I... I... Okay. I will." At this point the vampire cut in, "Look kids, go argue somewhere else, huh? I'm really interested in checking out this Dedlezon File. Come on, get up Tim." "Alright! No need to push.", Tim said, getting up, "I just want to see Wreck-Her-Balls over here prove that she's 'a million times' more powerful than me." Axel sat in front of the screen and started to view the information. Tim started walking towards Wreckingball, who in turn backed up and sat on a desk. "First of all, my name's Wreckingball, and second of all, if you want trouble, I can give you plenty of it." "Go ahead." "I will." Tim continued advancing. "What can you do?" he asked. "Lots of things." "Like what?" "Well, what can you do?" "I asked you first." "So? Who's setting the rules of this argument?" "I am. Now tell me your powers or I'll toss you out the window." "You wouldn't do that." "I wouldn't?" "There are no windows." "Then I'll throw you out the dimension door." "You wouldn't do that." "Oh, no?" "You wouldn't." "Try me." "Okay, go ahead, throw me out the dimension door." "I will." "Go ahead, I dare you." "You got it, sister." With that, Tim picked the girl up, threw her over his shoulder, and started to head for the door. The girl was kicking and screaming. Just then, Axel stopped him, however. "Hey. Hey, wait a minute, Tim, huh? Stop playing games. This dedlezon thing looks really cool. They have green hair and they eat trees. Um--copper is anathema to them, and they can turn into spiders and birds and everything, they can even affect gravity! Let's go there right now, okay? Whatta ya say, Tim?" "Okay, we'll go in a minute, right after I throw this girl out the dimension door." "Alright, but hurry up, willya?" *OW* [[08035CN]] Contents of OsoaWeek035, March 23, 1995 BEGIN 01 035 CV--Cover 02 035 HT--Halfevil Times 03 035 LA--Lord of Obliviana 04 035 NH--Nihilistica 05 035 NJ--New Jersey 06 035 SU--Superior 07 035 SR--Severe Repair 08 035 CN--Contents END *OW* [[END035OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |