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-------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A .
singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora
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OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 040--4/27/95
<-------  ||  OsoaWeek  ||  Issues  ||  Book 4  ||  ------->
(Cup OWis040, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999)

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

[[BEGIN040OW]]



[[01040CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 4 0 * * * April 27, 1995
"The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!"
by Frank Edward Nora

INSIDE THIS ISSUE!
A whole new era of massive, brilliant entertainment!
Check it out...
01 040 CV--Cover
   !!!!!!!! A whole new format!
02 040 IW--Into E-mber Forge of Wander
   !!!!!!!! A brand new concept in infostimulation!
03 040 HR--Hemisinister Review
   !!!!!!!! Sci-Fi TV: "VR5" and Stephen King's "The Langoliers"
04 040 HT--Halfevil Times
   !!!!!!!! The Classifieds: Ectoplasm Diver, Vone, etc.
05 040 ZP--Zope
   !!!!!!!! "Zope's New Catchphrase"
06 040 CZ--Classic Zope
   !!!!!!!! "Cyberpunks and the Wrath of Zope"
07 040 TS--Trick Sojourn
   !!!!!!!! New Nirvana Album! Diary of a Dreamfrank!
08 040 FE--Friction Enhancer
   !!!!!!!! Transporting French Fries
09 040 NJ--New Jersey
   !!!!!!!! Penn Station Newark
10 040 LA--Lord of Obliviana
   !!!!!!!! Lots-O-Incoherent-Rambling!
11 040 NH--Nihilistica
   !!!!!!!! Super Stats! Logo! Predatorware! Zope Almanac!
12 040 SU--Superior
   !!!!!!!! "Steal the soap from Marla Rainy Parking Lot at Night."
13 040 DH--Dehumidifier
   !!!!!!!! Hologram T. Keelfat's Wisdom Generator
14 040 SA--Severe Repair Almanac
  !!!!!!!! 545 pages and going STRONG!
15 040 IS--Into E-mber Severe Repair
  !!!!!!!! E-mail delivery of the coolest epic ever!
16 040 SR--Severe Repair
  !!!!!!!! "Saving Courier Arbhay"
CATCH THE OBLIVIANA TRAIN--COMIN' FAST!

INFORMATION: OsoaWeek040, April 27, 1995. Published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement, obliviana@aol.com, 1-800-OBLIVIANA. All contents copyright 1995 Frank Edward Nora. This release is Predatorware--you are free to make digital copies, so long as they're not altered or sold. All other forms of reproduction require permission. You're Prey unless you get a Predator Deed for this release. Contact us for more on this concept.

Character count: 69943 / Line count: 2011

*OW*



[[02040IF]] Into E-mber Forge of Wander

[:[FOW001]:]

FORGE OF WANDER
E-mber 001, April 27, 1995

Hi! I'm Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana--and I'd like to welcome you to the first Forge of Wander E-Mail Based Entertainment Release (E-mber, get it?). It's chock fulla fun stuff for you to enjoy every week--like reviews, funniness, and of course the greatest comic strip ever--Zope. So hang on and get ready for some awesome infostimulation!

INFORMATION: Forge of Wander E-mber 001, April 27, 1995. Published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement, obliviana@aol.com, 1-800-OBLIVIANA. All contents copyright 1995 Frank Edward Nora. This release is Predatorware--you are free to make digital copies, so long as they're not altered or sold. All other forms of reproduction require permission. Contact us for more on this concept. You can cancel or subscribe to this E-mber anytime, via E-mail.

*OW*



[[03040HR]] Hemisinister Review

***TV***

VR5--SEASON FINALE
FOX
Okay, I have to admit--I was fooled. This show has taken some wild turns which I mistook for it just getting bad. But the cliffhanger season finale sets things straight--this is one bad ass show. The most Twin Peaksness since Twin Peaks. The revelations about key events are shocking. To whit (if I may use the term "to whit") memories main character Sydney Bloom thinks are real turn out to be false memories implanted when she was subjected to a memory erase VR program by her mother, to protect her from the enigmatic "Committee". This scene is really powerful--the mother scrambling to erase her own memory along with her daughter and best friend, Duncan. I tellya. Thank god one new sci-fi TV show turned out good. (Fox's new one, "White Dwarf", premiering soon, doesn't look too promising.)


THE LANGOLIERS--PART ONE
ABC
I watched "The Stand" in its entirety when it was on last year--and at the very end, ABC teased their next King miniseries, "The Langoliers". Hearing from a friend how great the story was (a novella from the book "Four Past Midnight) I got it and read it. Really good. Then I started waiting for the miniseries, which I expected in the fall, but it never came. Finally, here in May, its arrived. Unfortunately though, it's disappointing.

The casting is really bad. The directing is stale. And some of the acting is downright amateurish--especially the actress playing the little blind girl. The Jewish kid I imagined being about 14 is now in his mid-'20s. The only bright spot is Bronson Pinchot as the insane businessman Craig Toomey. He's dead-on and superb in the role. The usually excellent Dean Stockwell, as the mystery writer, just isn't finding the character's groove--probably the director's fault.

The first few scenes of this miniseries are straight out of a 1970s airline disaster flick. If it was intentional, it's pretty funny.

Anyway, if you don't know, the story is that these people fall asleep on an airplane and wake up to find that everyone else on the plane has vanished. Don't wanna ruin it for you. What the hell--by the time you read this, the miniseries will be over! Maybe you can get it on video though.

Let's see how Part 2 fares, tonight...


THE LANGOLIERS--PART TWO
ABC
Well, what can I say? A really weak production. Bronson Pinchot delivers a fine performance but no one else does. In one scene, where it's night out, there's a shot of Albert in plane, and you can see daylight from a window behind him!

A few other things. The plane was done with computer animation, and it looked VERY fake. The Langoliers themselves were also de silicon, but they were done pretty well, but not like I imagined them.

The novella is vastly better than the 3-hour "miniseries". My advice, read the story and avoid this disappointing dud.

*OW*



[[04040HT]] Halfevil Times

***HALFEVIL TIMES CLASSIFIEDS***

*HELP WANTED*

ECTOPLASM DIVER
Experienced occult scuba expert sought for the investigation of the ever-growing number of oceans of supernatural goo plaguing the American Midwest. Poltergeist tae kwon do and psychic jello mastery a plus. Getting-sucked-into-the-great-unknown insurance available. Strange salary and benefits-non-existo offered. Muff divers need not apply. Send resume and chipmunk in suspended animation to Chico Schwartz, 9 Ape Terrace, Hode, WY, 70604. Allow 3-4 decades NewTime for response.

VONE
Great position for vone with at least 8900 years experience in cromging hoyliofreps. Startup 1990s-style S&M accounting firm has great opportunities for all gaffoids of the vone/kayop continuum. If you're a self-starter and can manipulate puppet zong atriums at the fourth tier of mastery, give us a call! Benefits include nudity, Oprah, zidmerf, arkle-yoox, Twizzlers, and shots. If interested, bolt yourself to the nearest granite soap vessel for a prompt review. Serious applicants only. Or write to The Bob Home Wilson Company, Shanendoah-Krillfate Mall, Fabe Faze, DE 20123. Equal goomhad employer.


*LOST & FOUND*

COOKED RICE
45 individual grains of cooked white rice found on the Jesterman Transit train tracks near Wolding Park, 4:30 AM last Wednesday. Please claim ASAP! I've stored them in my freezer, but they may go bad in 5 to 10 years! Dirt and one ant meticulously preserved. Oh yeah, and when you come to pick it up, could you please kill those dreadful ultra-intelligent monkeys infesting my basement? Hugs and Kisses, Dr. Larry Bick, Osteopath.

GRAND PIANO
Lost as I plummeted off the Empire State Building chained to it. How? Don't ask. I just want it back, as I have to play it in my "Ode to Pauly Shore" concerto/lecture series. As a reward I won't slap you silly. Call Maude at (212) 555-PIANOBABE, or beep me evenings at the whorehouse, (917) 555-GALWICH.


*FOR SALE*

PRAYING MANTIS ATOMIC WAR ROBOT
Cool piece of military hardware left over from the Greenland/Peru psychic wars of the late 1950s. 1800 ft. tall, A/C, rear window defogger, quantum jelly sprayers, tac-nukes, driver-side airbags, AM/FM/cassette stereo, disintegration shockwave generator, 400mm "date-with-destiny" cannons. Shaped like a praying mantis. Runs on plutonium or gasohol. $3500 firm. Call Jay Beige Hanzon Bonnidy, Lord of Carnelian Thought, (88234) 469-0888-J7J7A.

FACE PAINT SMEAR
Extremely valuable swipe of white face paint worn by an actor playing Ronald MacDonald on a TV commercial! The smear measures approximately 2 inches square and resides on a piece of blue toilet paper. Currently stored in a hermetically-sealed lead alloy vacuum chamber. Book value of 1,000,000,000 Canadian dollars, willing to sell at half that or BO. License from the Government Bureau of the Preservation of Historically-Significant Smears required. Write for details: Watson "Watty" Watsonson, c/o Nancy's Fancy Arm Wrestling Supply Emporium, 1 Infinity Way, Shaving Cream City, 4G8-N6O, Northern Ireland, UK.

*OW*



[[05040ZP]] Zope

"Zope's New Catchphrase"

ZOPE
Hey Weez--check out my new catchphrase.

WEASEL
Huh?

ZOPE (approaching CASHIER)
Hold on man, check it out...

WEASEL
Yeah, yeah.

ZOPE (holding out $8000 bill)
Hey buddy, can you change an 8000?

CASHIER
Uh, I'm sorry sir. We don't take any bills higher than a 20.

ZOPE
What?

CASHIER
Nothing over a 20. Store policy. Try a bank.

ZOPE glares at the CASHIER.

ZOPE
So you're saying I can't buy this, uh, this Blow Pop here? Huh? You're gonna make me go hungry just because I have too much money for you?

CASHIER
Sir, I can't help you.

ZOPE throws the Blow Pop on the ground.

ZOPE
F*ck you--GOODBYE!

ZOPE turns and leaves, grabbing Weasel around the shoulder and laughing hysterically.

ZOPE
Haha! That was great!

WEASEL
Um...

ZOPE
Hahaha! F*ck you--GOODBYE! Haha! Is that great?

WEASEL
Um... so that's the catchphrase? F*ck you, goodbye?

ZOPE
No man! You Gotta say it with feeling! Come on, like this... F*ck you--GOODBYE! You gotta say the "goodbye" part like you wanna kill the guy! Okay, come on. Try it.

WEASEL
Zope, I don't...

ZOPE
F*ckin' do it, man!

WEASEL
Oh okay. F*ck you man, goodbye!

ZOPENo no no--all wrong. There's no "man" in my catchphrase, whattaya think I am? A loser? Now c'mon! Do it right!

WEASEL
F*CK YOU, GOODBYE!

ZOPE
Hmm, better! Of course I say it the best, 'cause it's MY catchphrase, but not bad Weasel. Not bad.

WEASEL
Thanks.

ZOPE
Hey Weez--remember that catchphrase you had a long time ago? Back when you were a barbarian? What was it?

WEASEL
I don't remember.

ZOPE
Yeah you do! It was like the funniest catchphrase, c'mon what was it?

WEASEL
Oh--I don't know. Something like "Clear out! The killer is in!" or something.

ZOPE
Hahaha! That's it! Huffaw! "Clear out--the KILLER is in!" Haha! That's a classic. A real classic.

WEASEL
Yeah. Better'n yours.

ZOPE (stopping and glaring at WEASEL)
Don't f*ck with my catchphrase, man!

WEASEL
I know, I just...

ZOPE
F*ck you--GOODBYE!

ZOPE turns and starts away, then stops and turns back.

ZOPE
Haha! Tricked ya! I'm not really mad, I just wanted to use my catchphrase again!

WEASEL
*Sigh.*

*OW*



[[06040CZ]] Classic Zope

"Cyberpunks and the Wrath of Zope"
11/18/93

ZOPE
I wanna kill.

WEASEL
Okay! What sort of people would you like to kill today?

ZOPE
I don't know--what are those f*cking creeps who stick computers in their head and live in bleak futuristic cities called?

WEASEL
Cyberpunks?

ZOPE
Yeah, that's it--let's go kill some of 'em.

Later...

ZOPE and WEASEL stand looking at a BALD CYBERPUNK.

BALD CYBERPUNK
Sleegeage half-mount acre zang, tad? 59?

ZOPE (shooting the BALD CYBERPUNK)
DIE!

Soon...

CYBERPUNK WITH GLASSES
Virtual grid systems.

ZOPE hold a bomb with a lit fuse, then he throws it and blows up the CYBERPUNK WITH GLASSES.

CYBERPUNK WITH GLASSES
AHHH--Grgh...

WEASEL
Let me do on!

COOL CYBERPUNK
Hang info intrezang, zulu mame.

WEASEL (bashing COOL CYBERPUNK with a baseball bat)
Hey you--DIE!

*OW*



[[07040TS]] Trick Sojourn

***NEW NIRVANA ALBUM***
Till he gave his shotgun a blow job, Kurt Cobain was surely the greatest talent in rock music. The four albums he leaves behind will have to stand as most of his legacy. Nevermind is a true classic, perfect and deep. In Utero is fantastic, but nowhere near Nevermind. Then there are the other two...

Bleach, Nirvana's first album, takes some getting used to. It has a lot of great songs, but the whole thing doesn't really come together as an album. Incesticide, the compilation of unreleased stuff, also has some great songs, but again, fails to come anywhere near Nevermind as an album.

So I thought, maybe by combining songs from Bleach and Incesticide I could come up with a "new" Nirvana album that's a great listen. And y'know what? I succeeded.

"Metamorphic Fate" is a collection of 12 songs--the same number of songs both Nevermind and In Utero have. It's a lot shorter though--about half-an-hour.

So check it out--all you need are the two CDs and a tape (and something to dub with), and you'll hear it!

The title comes from a lyric in the song "Downer", which is the only song to appear on both albums. It has meaning at a bunch of levels as well, y'know.


METAMORPHIC FATE

(1) Mr. Moustache (Bleach 10)
(2) Been a Son (Incesticide 4)
(3) Molly's Lips (Incesticide 6)
(4) Love Buzz (Bleach 5)
(5) Negative Creep (Bleach 7)
(6) Stain (Incesticide 3)
(7) Aneurysm (Incesticide 15)
(8) About a Girl (Bleach 3)
(9) Downer (Bleach 13)
(10) Blew (Bleach 1)
(11) Hairspray Queen (Incesticide 12)
(12) Son of a Gun (Incesticide 7)


***DIARY OF A DREAMFRANK***

5/18/95. Today I was in a car with Arnold Schwartzenegger driving--stopped at an intersection--a car going through the intersection stops in front of us--the woman from the Bush campaign who married the guy from the Clinton campaign--in thought she was named "Marly Maitlin" or something, and she had a bad feud going with Arnold for some reason. Some Republican Party thing. Then I was stuck in Wisconsin. There was an amusement park nearby, and there was a gigantic robotic figure of Iron Man walking around--hundreds of feet tall--moving and looking totally realistic. Then right above the building I was in, in a restaurant or something, a giant Mandarin appeared, and they started fighting. Then I went t a friend of a friend's house, a woman, and awkwardly asked for some money so I could get home. I almost left, but she told me to come back and wrote me a check for $1000. I told her I didn't know if it'd do me any good getting home--I'd have to cash the check somehow. She convinced me it would work, however.

5/19/95. Today I was in a mall or concert hall, and I saw Paul McCartney and the guy with short curly blond hair from his band walking by. Then I went into a fast food place, and lo and behold, Paul McCartney was on line right behind me! Then I got confused. I guess I mistook this Paul on line for John Lennon or something--'cause I told him that Paul McCartney was in the audience and that I heard rumors they were finally gonna reunite on stage. I kept bugging him, saying "McCartney, McCartney, McCartney" under my breath. Then I said like "Hey man, I know you can't tell me one way or another, but I'm telling ya, if you do this, you'll make headlines around the world. You'll be the number one story on every newscast!" Then I ordered pancakes and french fries, I believe, and asked the girl behind the counter to mix them together for me. She was hesitant, and I got all mad and huffy and puffy and said like "Fine. So you're saying I'm gonna hafta mix them together myself." But she said no, she'd do it.

*OW*



[[08040FE]] Friction Enhancer

Friction Enhancer 14
TRANSPORTING FRENCH FRIES

The idea here is to buy some french fries and transport them. Fries in transport may not be eaten, and must be left at the site of their final destination. Record the number of french fries and the number of miles you've transported them. Multiply these two numbers together to get your Transporting French Fries score. The standard challenge is to see how long it takes you to get to 100,000.

Getting to this goal could take weeks or months. It's okay for the fires to be put in the garbage--just leaving them somewhere might be considered littering in some states. You may not give them to someone else--ie, going to McDonald's and picking up fries for someone is not allowed. The fries must be purchased purely for the purposes of transporting.

Fries may be eaten during the playing of the game, but these cannot be included in the score.

Have fun, Transporting French Fries!

*OW*



[[09040NJ]] New Jersey

PENN STATION NEWARK
Newark

On the surface this might not seem like the kind of place you'd want to visit. Like, not in 4900 years. I mean, it's in the middle of downtown Newark, similar to Mos Eisley in that it's a wretched hive of scum and villainy, eh. (As a GenXer, I reserve the right to Star Wars references anytime, anywhere).

And yes, there are a whole bunch of scary people lurking about the place. But once upon a time, Newark was a nice place--I think my mother lived there as a child. So Penn Station is the nexus of a vast array of clashing forces.

Train on the New Jersey Transit, PATH, and Amtrak lines constantly roar in and out of the place, headed for Manhattan, New England, various environs of New Jersey, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., and beyond.

One part of the station is an ancient structure with a massive vaulted ceiling with all sorts of interesting symbols and themes. A raised, enclosed walkway takes you across the street to the malllike, snaking interior of an office complex.

The main concourse has everything the busy commuter needs--bagels, coffee, ice cream, magazines, coffee, lottery, coffee, newspaper, and a whole lot more.

Down one corridor is a gaping maw, with the words CITY SUBWAY above it. I've never ventured down there--maybe I should. Going to the bathroom here is an adventure--the men's room is permeated with a fascinating smell--something like hundreds of different pungent cleaning supplies combines with more bodily fluids than humanly possible.

If you wander around, you'll find that some stairways lead to a one-way expulsion onto the street, wherein you have to find you way back in again! Cool.

All in all, Penn Station Newark is a place I've spent a lot of time waiting for trains, and though I do hate it, I also kind of like it at some level. Eh?

[:[END]:]

*OW*



[[10040LA]] Lord of Obliviana

Um, here I am. Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana. Welcome to the dawn of the Fourth Book of OsoaWeek.

Right now, I don't know what the heck's going on. I finished OsoaWeek039 just last night. Now I have to develop the new format for Book Four. For now, I'm just writing in a raw Book Three template. Plus I forgot to recharge my PowerBook battery last night, so I don't have much traintime today.

Yeah, so what was it I was gonna do? Oh yeah--E-mbers. And each issue can be smaller. So I can stay on schedule without losing my mind.

Here's the idea--an E-mber is an E-Mail-Based Entertainment Release (get it?). Each E-mber is between 11K and 19K in size, and is E-mailed to folks on a mailing list.

For now, the E-mber idea is in beta. But I will be formatting Book Four as if it were in full E-mberosity, eh.

There are currently two E-mbers--Forge of Wander & Severe Repair. Severe Repair is simple--each E-mber is a SR chapter. Forge of Wander is a little more complex.

Next day. Okay, so Forge of Wander is an E-mber designed to be pure fun, pure entertainment. Right now, it looks like its core features will be Hemisinister Review, Halfevil Times, and Zope. As well, there will be something like Nihilistica--I'm not sure yet if it will just be Nihilistica or some new feature. Dehumidifier, also, might fit in here, but again, I'm not sure.

These two E-mbers will be presented in their entirety every week in OsoaWeek. In addition to the E-mbers, each issue will contain at least Lord of Obliviana and Superior. So, with the 11K minimum for the E-mbers, that's at least 22K. Plus the other must-have features I just mentioned--okay--the new minimum is 25K. Half of what it was. The maximum stays at 100K.

See, when I began OsoaWeek, I had loads of ready-to-use material already in digital text form. Toward the end of the First Book and the start of the Second Book, I really started to run out. By the Third Book, I was in a blue funk of some sort, and production fell to a low point of 24 days late (issue 33).

Take a look at the lateness chart in Nihilistica below to see what I mean. The First Book was 100% on-time. Books Two and Three were never on-time. Right now, today, I'm 12 days late. And I haven't been less than 17 days late since issue 32 (3/2/94, which came out 21 days later, on 3/23/95).

Since the whole point of OsoaWeek is to present all the works created in Obliviana in any given week, it makes no sense for it to be late. That's the reason I've decided on an easier minimum--it's more in line with what I can comfortably write in a bad week.

Who knows if I should even be writing now. A cathartic Thursday for some reason. Yeah, some. On the train, after a mad dash to find an ATM which gives out $10's. No good. Kind of sucks having $18 in your account.

What? It's a long road. These little emotional ups and downs--for what? Is it Zen that seeks to eradicate all emotion, all response? Aye aye aye. What's happening.

What the f*ck kind of newspaper is that? Don't forget--The Langoliers is on Sunday. Stopped in tunnel. At least, was at the beginning of that sentence, moving now. Yeah, okay.

Writing. It's good, eh? Mine that is. What about Disney World. A dark walk at the All-Star Sports. Humid, feet killing me, what? I'm fatigued.

Jeez, I might almost be done with this issue, with the new minimums. The feature doesn't count though--it's not in FOW. When can I expect to be home? Wow, 20 minutes.

You know friend, how it is, to be here screaming into infinity with no feedback? I mean, the idea, that this file will be digitally available for the rest of time and for all of humanity. Many people might read it. But right now, it's just me hitting little plastic keys on my PowerBook. That's the surface of it, at least. Uh huh.

Zero. Is this a secret? Forget it.

Ha ha, will this ever be required reading on Mars.

Haha.

This stupid, bad writing will end right now. Until later...

Morning of Wednesday, May 17, 1995. You know those plastic straps--the kind where you thread one end through a ratchet mechanism in the other end and then pull it tight? They use 'em as handcuffs sometimes. Anyway, there was a big black one on the bridge. The bridge over the Garden State Parkway--I walk over it every day to go to the train. Anyway, this thing was tight on there for I think as long as I've been living in Iselin. About three years. I never really noticed it at first--thought it was a passing thing. But recently, in the past few months, the things has really started to bug me. And for the past few weeks I've been planning on cutting it off.

Last night, on the way home, I grabbed the thing and shook it. It was on there good. My girlfriend thought I was weird. Then this morning, in the shower, I remembered. I was so happy then; it was such an achievement--to remember something like that. So I stuck a Swiss Army Knife into my pants, and when I passed it this morning, I cut the f*cker off. Afterward, I carried it to the train station and threw it in the garbage.

Whew. Such a stupid little thing. But for some reason, it meant a lot to me. I must have passed it over a thousand times, and each time it registered subtly in my memory. Now, having gotten rid of it, I feel a great catharsis. Like an ending to the story of seeing it those thousand times.

Huh.

It also passed my mind that it could be symbolic of something. Yesterday on the train I felt really weird. Something supernatural, I think. Something that might allow Obliviana to break free of obscurity and crash into the world of success. I believe this. And I'm glad the time has finally come.

Wonder, we're coming back.

FRANK EDWARD NORA'S
POWER BREAKFAST OF THE WEEK
5 MacDonald's hashbrowns
1 large MacDonald's orange juice
1 grande coffee of the day (black, no sugar) with one shot espresso, from "In The Black" coffee shop
GRAND TOTAL: $7.14
A BARGAIN!

Okay people. Getting into buttons. Remember all the loser Dr. Who fans of the '80s? They seem a whole lot cooler now. And one thing they had were these buttons--you know--with all manner of silly phrases, pictures, etc. from the realms of Dr. Who, Star Trek, Star Wars, physics, mathematics, philosophy, witchcraft, occult, video games, AD&D, mythology, drugs, coffee, The Prisoner, paradoxes, engineering, college, sex, chocolate, and the like. Hackerdom, fandom, subcultures, science fiction. All of it to maybe deify yourself a little.

Yeah so I wanna do my take on this button thing. I remember folks used to have entire jackets or trenchcoats covered with the snappy little bastards. This spontaneous, innocent, grassroots phenomenon will do great being Oblivianaized!

The sun is a pale white disc in this weather.

Yeah.

Thursday. 21 days late. Four more days and it'll be a record.

The trains are all fouled up this morning. God only knows what time it is.

Moving day is 9 days away. That's gonna be a drain on my OsoaWeeking abilities.

Why do some people smell like piss?

It's a problem.

Gonna get my power breakfast this morning. If it's still morning by the time I get there.

Garlic bread crumbs all over my PowerBook.

This smell is unbelievable--maybe I should just go hang out in the vestibule?

The next phase. Me living in Plainsboro. Fourth book of OsoaWeek. The 2 E-mber in beta testing. Release of Obliviana War collectible digital trading card game. Rebirth of Fonosta? Dawn of Obliviana Primal?

Good phase, man.

Jeez, it's Friday already, and this issue is at +22. I don't know. Time is going by way fast.

I had a cool dream last night. Maybe I should put it in Dreamfrank? Yeah, what the hell. I'll put it in the new feature, Trick Sojourn.

Oh, I didn't tellya about Trick Sojourn yet, did I? See, Forge of Wander is the E-mber of high entertainment. I was thinking of putting Nihilistica in there, but oftentimes, Nihilistica is home to all sort of lengthy, rambling lists and ideas--not really appropriate for FOW. A lot of Nihilistica stuff IS prime for FOW, though. So to solve this problem, I've created Trick Sojourn, which you can think of as Nihilistica with only high entertainment potency entries.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Nihilistica, it's just that to a new reader, someone unfamiliar with Obliviana, a lot of the real weird stuff can be confusing and disattaching.

+25. A record! OsoaWeek040 will be the latest ever!

Yeah, it's Monday. Started reading "Waiting for Godot" over the weekend. Also read a very interesting article in Wired about Ted Nelson and his hypertext Xanadu dream. It got me thinking about my own take on hypertext.

I finally got started doing something with the World Wide Web. I got a web browser, and downloaded someone's home page. So I got to see what it looks like, at least. I also started doing an HTML version of OsoaWeek.

But on the subject of hypertext, you can see that one thing I've done is code each feature in each issue of OsoaWeek with a unique code. This feature is coded "06040LA", which represents "the 6th feature in the 40th issue of OsoaWeek--named Lord of Obliviana (LA)". The one bit of information it doesn't contain is how many of this feature there have been, and which sequential number this is. But with all of OsoaWeek to munch on, the right parser would have no trouble determining this.

I have to wonder about Ted Nelson's Xanadu dream. It is, basically, that all the writing of humanity be stored in a central repository, for instant computer access to anyone, anywhere. And any part of one document could be linked to any part of another document. Versions of a document could also be viewed. Authors would collect a royalty fee anytime their documents were accessed. Stuff like that. (I'm really oversimplifying this, but you get the basic idea).

The main problem with this is a lack of standards for quality. Under this model, massive amounts of worthless text would be linked by massive amounts of untalented people. The result would be something of a disaster. How could good links be distinguished from bad ones? A little stroll on the Internet will show you that most people have nothing to say but use a lot of words saying nothing.

We have this collective delusion that all people have something worthwhile to say. The fact is, only a small portion of the population has the talent and positioning to create interesting, important stuff.

And think about it--you have a limited amount of time each day, each week, each month, each year, to read or otherwise take in infostimulation. Do you want that time clogged with pointless, worthless crap, or with the good stuff?

I know this sounds elitist, since I'm obviously placing myself in that elite realm of the "good stuff".

In order to experience one minute of material each from, say, 1% of the population of America, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, it would take over nine-and-a-half years!

Conventional publishing has high standards. Yes, sometimes they hold the truly talented behind, but in general, it works.

Aw, it's a few days later and I'm way tired of this line of reasoning. Let me drop it for now, eh?

TIMES I'VE HAD TO PISS THE WORST
(1) Just now.
(2) Driving home from high school in a blizzard, having to take all these alternate routes.
(3) At the end of "Back to the Future 3".
+26 days late. It's not gonna go any further than that. And I swear, the dayslate number will go down for each issue! And I'll be at zero by the end of Book Four!

26 Cleona. Something from the depths of Obliviana.

I'm gonna get this thing goin'! I'm gonna succeed! I'm gonna...

GET ALL OBLIVIANA!

*OW*



[[11040NH]] Nihilistica

***OSOAWEEK SUPER STATS!***

Okay friends, time to focus the magnifying glass of mystery and amazement on the vast universe of OsoaWeek! With 39 issues under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good, y'know? Here's the lowdown!

*CHARACTERS*

BOOK ONE
Total: 901690
Highest single issue: 99382 (001)
Lowest single issue: 55828 (013)
Average per issue: 69361

BOOK TWO
Total: 808973
Highest single issue: 84266 (016)
Lowest single issue: 52117 (020)
Average per issue: 62229

BOOK THREE
Total: 801724
Highest single issue: 90434 (030)
Lowest single issue: 52217 (033)
Average per issue: 61671

CUMULATIVE
Total: 2512387
Highest single issue: 99382 (001)
Lowest single issue: 52117 (020)
Average per issue: 64420


*LINES*

BOOK ONE
Total: 24550
Highest single issue: 2863 (001)
Lowest single issue: 1366 (013)
Average per issue: 1888

BOOK TWO
Total: 23526
Highest single issue: 2708 (016)
Lowest single issue: 1390 (018)
Average per issue: 1810

BOOK THREE
Total: 22220
Highest single issue: 2414 (030)
Lowest single issue: 1331 (037)
Average per issue: 1709

CUMULATIVE
Total: 70296
Highest single issue: 2863 (001)
Lowest single issue: 1331 (037)
Average per issue: 1802


*WORDS*

BOOK ONE
Total: 151774
Highest single issue: 16589 (001)
Lowest single issue: 9308 (009)
Average per issue: 11675

BOOK TWO
Total: 137258
Highest single issue: 14231 (016)
Lowest single issue: 8860 (020)
Average per issue: 10558

BOOK THREE
Total: 138741
Highest single issue: 15606 (030)
Lowest single issue: 9060 (033)
Average per issue: 10672

CUMULATIVE
Total: 427773
Highest single issue: 16589 (001)
Lowest single issue: 8860 (020)
Average per issue: 10968


*LETTERS PER WORDS*

BOOK ONE
Highest single issue: 5.03838 (002)
Lowest single issue: 4.80960 (010)
Average: 4.94216

BOOK TWO
Highest single issue: 5.19311 (021)
Lowest single issue: 4.56422 (018)
Average: 4.89520

BOOK THREE
Highest single issue: 4.89893 (038)
Lowest single issue: 4.61103 (035)
Average: 4.77788

CUMULATIVE
Highest single issue: 5.19311 (021)
Lowest single issue: 4.56422 (018)
Average: 4.87175


*DAYS OFF SCHEDULE*

BOOK ONE
001: -2
002: -1
003: -1
004: -1
005: -1
006: -1
007: -1
008: 0
009: -2
010: 0
011: -1
012: 0
013: -1

BOOK TWO
014: +3
015: +2
016: +1
017: +2
018: +1
019: +3
020: +4
021: +4
022: +6
023: +4
024: +3
025: +4
026: +7

BOOK THREE
027: +11
028: +9
029: +12
030: +13
031: +14
032: +21
033: +24
034: +17
035: +20
036: +19
037: +20
038: +21
039: +17


*USE OF F*CK & SH*T*

Okay folks. Back in OsoaWeek023, I went on a "f*ck finding mission", to see how many times I used the F word in each issue of OsoaWeek. The average was about 6 or 7 times per issue. I have a feeling that average will be way up once I measure all three Books! (Especially last issue.)

The total is listed first, then the average, after the slash.

BOOK ONE
f*ck: 70/5.39
sh*t: 32/2.46

BOOK TWO
f*ck: 105/8.08
sh*t: 50/3.85

BOOK THREE
f*ck: 108/8.31
sh*t: 38/2.92

CUMULATIVE
f*ck: 283/7.26
sh*t: 120/3.08

Yeah, I decided to do it by Book rather than by issue--woulda taken too long that way. 283 f*cks. Merciful heavens. By the way, last issue had 36 f*cks--way above average!


***THE FEATURES OF OSOAWEEK***

Well, here they are--all 36 OsoaWeek features, past and present. This should give you an overall idea of what's going on--and what has gone on--in OsoaWeek!

AB--Antebellum (1, 27-31)...stops
AD--Actuality Destructor (14, 16, 17)...inactive
AX--Appendix (1-13)...inactive
CC--Classictronica (14)...inactive
CN--Contents (1-39)...stops
CO--Catalog of Obliviana (1-26)...inactive
CV--Cover (14-39)...continues
CZ--Classic Zope (27-33)...continues
DC--Dashic (27-30, 32)...stops
DH--Dehumidifier (14-31, 34)...continues
DY--Digital Superworld Youth (14, 15, 17)...inactive
EF--How to Establish Your Fonosta (1)...inactive
EM--Your E-Mail is Gonna Come (1-4, 6)...inactive
FA--Fonosta (14)...inactive
FE--Friction Enhancer (1-5, 12, 14, 16, 19, 27-30)...continues
FW--Fonosta World (2-5)...continued as FA
HR--Hemisinister Review (1-33, 36-37, 39)...continues
HT--Halfevil Times (1-33, 35, 39)...continues
IB--Ibof (14)...inactive
IF--In the Flowers (1)...inactive
IS--Into E-mber Severe Repair (new)...begins
IW--Into E-mber Forge of Wander (new)...begins
LA--Lord of Obliviana (14-39)...continues from LO
LO--Lord of Obliviana Revelry (1-13)...continued as LA
MB--Assignment: Mystery Box (1, 4)...inactive
MH--Masthead (1-13)...inactive
NH--Nihilistica (1-33, 35-39)...continues
NJ--New Jersey (1-4, 14, 27-30, 32-36, 39)...continues
OL--Obliviana Primal (27-32, 39)...stops
OP--Obliviana Primal Beat (1, 4)...inactive
SA--Severe Repair Almanac (27-31)...continues
SO--The State of Osoa (1-13)...inactive
SP--Sneak Preview (1-13)...inactive
SR--Severe Repair (1-39)...continues
SU--Superior (1-39)...continues
TN--209 (14, 17)...continues as DC
TS--Trick Sojourn (new)...begins
TT--Tourney Today (14)...continues as OL
ZP--Zope (1-4, 14-33)...continues


***SEE THE OBLIVIANA LOGO, KINDA***

You know, with OsoaWeek being all text and everything, a lot of you out there might never have seen the quite awesome Obliviana logo. Well if so, you're in luck. Below is an ASCII picture of the logo--only thing is, you have to display it the right way, otherwise it looks like crap.

Basically, you gotta display the logo in a monospace font with zero leading (that means no extra space between the lines). On a Mac, Monaco is the easiest font to use. As far as the linespacing goes, if it's too much, the logo'll just look stretched, that's all. No big deal.

So friends, sit back and stare in disbelief at the logo of Obliviana! You'll be glad you did!

                                                  
               .                   .              
           .d$$$$$$-           'R$$$$$bL          
        .@$$$$$*'                 '#$$$$$NL       
      u$$$$$$F       .o$$$$o.        #$$$$$$k     
    x$$$$$$$"       '#  ""*$$N        '$$$$$$$k   
   @$$$$$$$$$c       :kdE "$$ t      :$$$$$$$$$$: 
 '$$$$$$$$$$$$      u$E"$!'$$>9>     9$$$$$$$$$$$~
   '*$$$$$$$$       $$L^9$$E  8       $$$$$$$$$"  
     '$$$$$$F       J$$... .$WF       '$$$$$$'    
     d$$$$$$        "$$$$$$$$"         $$$$$$N    
    d$$$$$$$eeer      '"$$$        'eee$$$$$$$B   
   <$$$$$$$$$$$&       t$$$K       t$$$$$$$$$$$k  
   $$$$$$$$$$$$$:  dc  $$$$$  :b   $$$$$$$$$$$$$  
  '$$$$$$$$$$$$$$d$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$N$$$$$$$$$$$$$$k 
  9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$R 
  9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 
        $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$       
        9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$*   4$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$       
        '$$$$$$$$$$$$E       M$$$$$$$$$$$$F       
         9$$$$$"R$$$$>       '$$$$$"$$$$$$        
          R$$"   '#$$         9$*"   "$$$         
           "                           '          


***COMETH PREDATORWARE***

You know, software distribution is a tricky thing, philosophically. The core of the problem is that software is intellectual property which in most cases can be quickly and cheaply copied in an unlimited manner. Pirating commercial software is considered a crime. But consider this--you pay $39.99 for a cool computer game, and your best friend loves it and wants a copy for himself. What do you do? Do you say, like, no way, buy your own copy? Hell no! You'd be a total dick if you did that. But by making the copy, you're breaking the law. So the software manufacturer forces in either being a dick or a criminal--not a very pleasant state of affairs.

Shareware was supposed to alleviate some of this problem, the idea being that you get the copy for free, but if you like it, you pay for it on the honor system. Problem is, for many computer people, the drudgery of finding your checkbook, finding a pen, writing the check, recording it Quicken, finding an envelope, finding a stamp, licking the stamp, putting the stamp on the envelope, writing the address and return address on the envelope, licking the envelope, sealing the envelope, and then getting it to a mailbox--this is just too much. It's not even so much the money.

So again, with shareware, if you keep the program more than a certain amount of time, you're again considered a criminal. Nah, I don't like the shareware concept much. It goes against human nature.

Then there's freeware, software that can be freely copied without any levies, real or imagined. Only problem is, there's not much money to be made in freeware.

I've been mulling these issues over in my mind, body, and soul for years. As a producer of software (such as the excellent Pelter CD-ROM of 1993, um, and OsoaWeek) I didn't like any of the above options. But now, finally, I've come up with a solution--Predatorware.

It's like this. A Predatorware file is essentially freeware, in that it allows free unlimited copying--with a few restrictions. The files must remain unaltered and they cannot be sold. This part is easy.

The other part is a kind of imaginary construct. The idea is that you are, in relation to the software in question, Prey, unless you buy a Predator Deed for the file, in which case you become a Predator in relation to the file. A limited number of Predator Deeds are available for each software release, and all Predators for a given piece of software are listed in OsoaWeek (with their real name, fake name, message, or whatever).

There's a lot of stuff going on here. Being a Predator has a number of advantages:

(1) The coolness of being a Predator rather than Prey.
(2) The ego boosting of seeing your name in e-print.
(3) A show of support/vote of confidence in a piece of software.
(4) You get a physical, signed and numbered Predator Deed in the mail, including secret code--SUITABLE FOR FRAMING!
(5) MOST IMPORTANT--When Obliviana Primal goes online as a virtual universe, your Predator deeds will have real meaning. You will HAVE the files/images/sounds/games whatever in Obliviana Primal in a way only Predator Deed holders will have.

This idea is all mine--I didn't get it from anywhere else. It's the result, as I said, of untold hours of musing. I think it goes a long way in solving the software distribution dilemma.

So what sort of numbers are we talking about here? Maybe 25, 50, 100 Deeds per release, at around $10 to $20 each, for a start. It IS a luxury item, after all.

The deeds themselves will be unique artistic creations, as I'm so expert in the field of paperlike unique artistic creations. Okay?

So that's the basic idea. You can copy the for yourself, and keep it forever without any pretense that you have to pay for it or erase it. Only thing is, you're Prey. If you want to, and can afford it, and can stand all that pen-finding, check writing, and licking, you can be one of the few, proud, and scalene Obliviana Predators.

GO FOR IT!


***ZOPE ALMANAC***

*LISTING OF ALL ZOPE COMICS IN OSOAWEEK*


*ZOPE*

001: ZOPE & A VICTIM OF BEVERAGE HOSTILITY
002: ZOPE'S VERY LARGE LAWNMOWER
003: GET HARPOON, THE GAME
004: ZOPE AND THE WINE FLAUTIST
014: ZOPE AND THE MYSTERY COOLIDGE
015: ZOPE AND MALL FUN
016: SUPERMARKET ZOPE
017: SCIENTIST ZOPE
018: VIRTUAL REALITY COMPLAINING ZOPE
019: ZOPE AND THE OBSCURE STICKER
020: ZOPE AND THINGS TO DO TO BUILDINGS
021: ZOPE'S WRISTWATCH
022: ZOPE AND THE TROUBLE WITH FANBOYS
023: ZOPE'S NEW DISEASE
024: 9 TO 5 AND ZOPE
025: ZOPE'S MYSTERIOUS RELIGIOUS IDEA
026: ZOPE'S METEOR SHOWER FOLLIES
027: PRETEND ZOPE
028: ABBA ZOPE
029: ZOPE'S HAMBURGER COUGH DROPS
030: ZOPE'S CURIOUS PROPOSAL
031: ZOPE'S NUDITY LAUNDROMAT
032: ZOPE'S BAGHEERA WOMBAT
033: BARBED WIRE EXPERT GUY ZOPE


*CLASSIC ZOPE*

027--"Zope's Resin Conundrum" (1/17/93)
028--"Game Zope" (August 1992)
029--"Zope's Awl Madness" (2/9/91)
030--"Zope in the Street" (2/21/89)
031--"Van Zope" (5/21/91)
032--"Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul" (10/21/93)
033--"Zope's Clone Fun" (August 1992)


***SONG OF THE WEEK***

Human League--"John Cleese: Is He Funny?" (from the new album "Octopus")

*OW*



[[12040SU]] Superior

SUPERIOR 209
Wonder, we're coming back.

SUPERIOR 210
But I want to get it today. The road. I am on it. Loving and euphorix the way man me. Going away and behind us the moon. Fun, the guy was stupid. Whas? You gotsta be kidding.

SUPERIOR 211
That rock guy--rolling it up the hill? Sisyphus? That's not me. I rolled the f*cker up, got to the top, then let it roll down the other side, clearing a way of wild demolition for me to tread. Now that's me.

SUPERIOR 212
Ware are it. Fum was good jav. Up there, it might be a warning. Two thousands days are a joke. Rolling Rock is a beer. Refining my myselfness, eh? Come on.

SUPERIOR 213
Crazy little thing called hours.

SUPERIOR 214
Cavalry? Government is just power in the hands of the untalented. I hate my Walkman. She ain't volcanac?

SUPERIOR 215
Lovers love to run in the rain. I was thinking, the ultimate thrill, a girl's lust for another girl. Aching, repressed, tantalizing, shameful--and then the first forbidden contact. Then the release. The opening. The ultimate thrill? Could be.

SUPERIOR 216
Shroom. Laga agansta in bloom wrecker. Trop road, I did it, falling in love with the beast me. What? I done it. Cream her. There it goes, one of the aspects of me, shooting star along the right highways. Huh? Come on her back. Yeah. It was true. I make, declare and rule the tundra me. Relax? Get outta here. I judge myself. And I find myself awesome.

SUPERIOR 217
Steal the soap from Marla Rainy Parking Lot at Night.

*OW*



[[13040DH]] Dehumidifier

This feature appeared in the last nationwide issue of Anything But Monday. Overall, I'm not very proud of it--in fact, it kind of gives you a window into the bad side of my early writing. Wanting to be so avant garde and all that. I was young. But there is some good stuff in it, so what the hell. Enjoy.


***HOLOGRAM T. KEELFAT'S WISDOM GENERATOR***

I am Hologram T. Keelfat, cosmic soothsayer at large. Now, I realize that many of you people out there do stupid things all the time--but it's not because you're assh*les--it's because you are unwise. So being the magnanimous saint that I am, I've deigned to share a bit of my hyperinfinite wisdom with you poor sods. All you have to do is close your eyes, choose a number between 1 and 100 (inclusive), open your eyes, and read the sentence below which corresponds with the number you chose. And voila! You are a wise person!

**1* Trot in a queer manner down to the nearest pottery outlet. **2* Bad news, you're in for a claustrophobic "Pirates of the Caribbean" dream which will last for 34 hours. **3* If you'll be my little bird, I'll like you very much. **4* Rebrain yourself. **5* Consider those who constantly eat eggs as the enemy. **6* Be enshrouded in Toronto. **7* Don't worry about your hair, worry about your Soviet Union. **8* Remember the old adage: "In the mall you can do naught else but bide your time." **9* For a healthy dose of saintly insanity, try some earth custard. **10* Smoke to shreds. **11* When in Rome, don't fear the Antichrist, fear the Antineptune. **12* Salty ice cream is the next big thing--olive, pretzel, anchovy--flavors like that. **13* The new job is really starting to sugar your brain. **14* Gentlemen, the current priority is to develop an interactive framepoint from which we can learn to disdain this pencil in my fist. **15* Engage in a session of pointless meandering for once in your stupid little mistake of a life. **16* Doris, how much are the nuts? **17* Your next boss will be named "Puffy". **18* It's gar/cod pus--arf acre! **19* "Ipici": Far suicide pixel sitar coal slug. **20* Pleasant bells are vibrating your buttocks, you pig. **21* The coffee of your dreams is a medicated version of "tan venom" flavored highway gook. **22* Use telekinesis to tickle a waitress's sinuses. **23* For fun on those boring rainy days, why not try some sopping dry heavy popcorn in that damn chest of drawers? **24* Mangle an overt vision of the vast majesty of a broken building. **25* Be nice to two humans today. **26* Laugh at the vile hubris of The Lambert Cuke Company. **27* You suffer from nascence editability--you know--other people can alter your date of birth at will. **28* Have dichotomy for dinner. **29* Be obsessed with one's breast for a time. **30* You just breathed in some vacuum lumber. **31* The surface area of your lover's skin is greater than your IQ. **32* What a bland blank blathering blastard you are! **33* "Twelve bottles of negative red fluid"--that describes your attitude perfectly. **34* Where the f*cking hell is your goddam Quonset hut when we need it? **35* Someday you will meet an android football player named "Perrier". **36* Your hole-in-the-wall is a son-of-a-bitch, if you ask me. **37* Be trapped in that superb limbo, baby. **38* Squeeze a generous portion of sodium hydroxide-flavored cheese icing onto your salami sandwich. **39* A curiously chaotic fruit gum will rend your jaw into a bloody cartilage souffle. **40* Experience a plain oblivion--and take all your clothes off while your at it! **41* You don't have to justify your lifestyle to anyone except Poopy Dog. **42* "Harkle-flaf"--say it today, and every day. **43* Point yourself in the direction of direct dereliction, and dominate duly. **44* Ignore the bored female voices emanating from the men's room at the warehouse. **45* Syrup fool! **46* Rely solely upon Autumn, Summer, Winter, and Wednesday. **47* Pore over some sexual documents of an intrinsic nature. **48* Never believe a federal bamboo. **49* What was that stupid show that used to be on Sunday morning--"Wonderama"? **50* Discuss all things with a manatee named Hugh. **51* The forecast is for rain, early at times. **52* Pardon me, but would you have any religious numbskulls? **53* If someone asks you if you're invisible, answer "but of course, you nincompoop." **54* Exist tediously, my friend. **55* Reside in mental Italy. **56* If you're going to review a film, rate it in terms of substances, such as wood, plastic, metal, dirt, etc. **57* Suck the ammonia vent, my love. **58* At the shopping center, the parking lot is more entertaining than all the f*cking stores in the world, you assh*le! **59* Here's an inside tip--everybody shares a common code number--"171777". **60* Your fate place is west of Skudoe, Alaska. **61* Up your France! **62* The number one soap opera in that alternate universe is "Years & Weeks", starring Day Zalda. **63* Say to that girl, "Ah, you're fulla parsley!" **64* Read "Will'o'Wisp 60 mph"--it better than the Bible. **65* I'll have the gland corn, please. **66* Hey--here's a neat idea--carve weeds out of wood! **67* Whoah, rubber diesel, go-go aroma, gaseous glass, boiled splashing my splattered body en passant. **68* Ensky yourself in a tub of fat secretaries. **69* Bleed nitrogen mustard, jerk. **70* I can't say anything that you would want in your magazine. **71* When you sit there and lean over and read a stale newspaper and roll around restlessly inside yourself, all twisted and screwed up, then you know it's quarter after seven in the evening. **72* Forest crap frash delect mixim colder pennant cacophony whillip. **73* You're... just... spouting... a lot... of wind... at this... point... in time. **74* In your bone marrow resides the secret of that Rubik's Cube that had four blocks on each side instead of three. **75* Crows are fringe beasts of roadside perception; highway mystery birds--come and swallow this moth smear on my poor windshield, fine jackdaw! **76* You will soon be wandering down a lonely street, on the verge of tears, howling silence tearing your ears, and lightning stabs of signs. **77* Begin to realize that your core is composed of grey caramel-colored lichen embryos having orgasms. **78* But we are all molded for your express enjoyment, you innocent little crumb. **79* Prepare a tithe for IBM. **80* Imagine a long stretch of fiery invisible rulers, in 1981, towards the people's basement--where--WE'RE MAKING SPACESHIPS! **81* Walk up to that person you've been eyeing and use this tried-and-true pick up line: "Can you feel the soft and waving drop to know where you are fishing for a mind now?" **82* For a week you will dream of nothing but a new product--"canned yellowpens"--like, they're yellow pens in a can. **83* Be off on a journey of approximately 45 minutes, my comrade! **84* Screw a damsel in a daisy-reality version of a Dunkin' Donuts. **85* A guy named Eb Traipse (TM) will take you on a guided tour of the plant this afternoon. **86* It's like one of those vending machines that has potato chips, candy bars, Twizzlers, peanuts, and the like--except that this one has inoffensive little packaged afterworlds in it. **87* Please become very disenchanted with that cruller. **88* Amuse a morose and sickly girl. **89* In the alternate reality termed "beige reptile #19", all mirrors absorb 10% of the light which they reflect--and nobody knows why! **90* That occasional pinprick you feel in your abdomen is just the government making sure that you behave yourself. **91* They finally did it--they invented plastic water--and you have to drink it! **92* Employ a rare patience in carving the detail work on the oil containers at the pretend parking lot--and hey, do it blindfolded! **93* You were so very jubilant 'til the repair scarecrow bade you farewell... **94* If you can remember every tit you ever saw, then you most certainly have a photographic mammary. **95* The bitch Ms. Nibro will perform a lewd striptease whilst sliding down the banister. **96* You will have the privilege of meeting my reality-girlfriend, Coltish Mammock (TM). **97* Piss people off by making queer cat noises at lunchtime. **98* Nenorize a nillion days in Nay. **99* You're nice, but you do have a perplexing and noisome aftertaste. **100* All that the Empress Beth Ann ever said to me was "I hate you."

*OW*



[[14040SA]] Severe Repair Almanac

Yeah hi. Just looking over the stats for Severe Repair thus far. Pretty cool--545 pages for the first three books! Check out the info below. The page calculations are based on if Severe Repair were hypothetically published as a sci-fi paperback.

SEVERE REPAIR BOOK ONE

Chapter 1--"Bastard Dumb Luck Calling"--14 pages
Chapter 2--"Map Shirt Goddess"--11 pages
Chapter 3--"Goodbye Popcorn"--21 pages
Chapter 4--"Awake Fluffy Netherf*ck"--16 pages
Chapter 5--"Bicentennial Cane"--16 pages
Chapter 6--"You're a Good Man for Crying on the Job"--18 pages
Chapter 7--"Yellowhaus"--14 pages
Chapter 8--"Cup's Club"--18 pages
Chapter 9--"Pattern Integrity"--13 pages
Chapter 10--"Toggle Joseph"--14 pages
Chapter 11--"Fabric Reactor"--18 pages
Chapter 12--"80-A Clarity"--13 pages
Chapter 13--"Dolthethmen"--14 pages

200 Total Pages


SEVERE REPAIR BOOK TWO

Chapter 14--"It's Millicent!"--11 pages
Chapter 15--"Office Complex of Gumhanshire"--14 pages
Chapter 16--"Hypergod Amnifaoz"--16 pages
Chapter 17--"Irregular Shirt"--12 pages
Chapter 18--"Reality Pickup Truck: Tom Neadows"--12 pages
Chapter 19--"Went Nowhere"--11 pages
Chapter 20--"Thing Ping"--17 pages
Chapter 21--"Peculiar Lather"--11 pages
Chapter 22--"Giant Police Car"--13 pages
Chapter 23--"Daptin's Land"--13 pages
Chapter 24--"Insurance"--16 pages
Chapter 25--"Dog and Rabbit"--12 pages
Chapter 26--"The Aleche Degrasion"--14 pages

172 Total Pages


SEVERE REPAIR BOOK THREE

Chapter 27--"Weaver"--11 pages
Chapter 28--"Nocturnal"--12 pages
Chapter 29--"Greatcoat"--11 pages
Chapter 30--"Stormbolthouse Leitmotif"--12 pages
Chapter 31--"Foreman Ittener Pier"--13 pages
Chapter 32--"Stormbolthouse Lunatether"--14 pages
Chapter 33--"Luck"--16 pages
Chapter 34--"Powers of the Land"--10 pages
Chapter 35--"Speed Limit 85 MPH"--18 pages
Chapter 36--"Thiffor"--22 pages
Chapter 37--"Ladies"--10 pages
Chapter 38--"Deer Express"--13 pages
Chapter 39--"To Vixenway"--11 pages

173 Total Pages

GRAND TOTAL: 545 pages!

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[[15040IS]] Into E-mber Severe Repair

[:[SVR001]:]

SEVERE REPAIR
E-MBER 001
by Frank Edward Nora

Well now, here ya go--the very first Severe Repair E-mber! Severe Repair is an ongoing story, already 545 pages long. This weekly "E-Mail Based Entertainment Release" picks up with chapter 40, the beginning of the Fourth Book. If you haven't read any of the preceding stories, don't worry. Severe Repair has a strong non-linear slant--you can start reading here, then go back to the earlier chapters later. Enjoy!

INFORMATION: Severe Repair E-mber 001, April 27, 1995. Published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement, obliviana@aol.com, 1-800-OBLIVIANA. All contents copyright 1995 Frank Edward Nora. This release is Predatorware--you are free to make digital copies, so long as they're not altered or sold. All other forms of reproduction require permission. You're Prey unless you get a Predator Deed for this release. Contact us for more on this concept. You can cancel or subscribe to this E-mber anytime, via E-mail.

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[[16040SR]] Severe Repair

SEVERE REPAIR 40: "Saving Courier Arbhay"

"Okay, I'm home." Quarrel Orchard said, entering his house.

"Hi honey." said Jessica Orchard, his wife, in a matter-of-fact fashion.

She was on all fours, cleaning something in a cabinet underneath the kitchen sink, and didn't see Thiffor as she entered behind Quarrel.

"What's your name again?" Quarrel asked of his wife.

She backed out of the cabinet, blew some hair out of her eyes, and looked up at Quarrel with a confused look. Then she turned her gaze to the beautiful young form of Thiffor.

"Huh?" she said.

Quarrel stared at her. Eh, all right. She seemed like someone she might marry if he were mortal. Average weight and height, curly brown hair, okay face. Kind of long and leonine, though. Kind of like a hated schoolteacher.

"Your name." Quarrel said, not wishing to play the tedious game of pretending he knew her.

"What?" she said sharply.

"Never mind. Honey, uh, okay--I want you to meet Thiffor." he said.

Jessica stood up, took off the ugly rubber gloves she'd been wearing and took a step forward.

"Hi." Thiffor said.

"H-hi." said Jessica, looking awfully perturbed.

"She's my niece." Quarrel said. "Can you believe it? In one day I discover a brother I never knew I had, and a niece I never knew I had."

Jessica started to frown as she looked back and forth at the two. She looked like she might be about to cry. Thiffor moved forward and extended her hand.

"Glad to meet you." the former tree spirit said, as Jessica limply shook the girl's hand. "What was your name...?"

"Jessica." she said, trying half-heartedly to smile.

"It's really great of you and Uncle Quarrel to take me in like this. I mean, when I met Quarrel today, I was totally destitute. I had no home, no money--"

"What..." Jessica mumbled, looking at Quarrel.

"--no clothes." Thiffor continued, a mischievous smile crossing her lips.

"Listen Jessica." Quarrel said. "You must bring the entire family in and introduce them to their cousin Thiffor."

"Uh, okay..." Jessica said dumbly, as she stiffly turned and left the room.

"We were kind of hard on her, weren't we?" Thiffor said.

"I don't care. This whole business of getting a free mystery family is totally anathema to me. It's convenient, but I'd rather have just the bank account."

"Mmm." Thiffor responded.

"So what do you think of the wife?"

Thiffor smiled.

"Delicious."

Quarrel rolled his eyes.

"Yeah well--be careful how you wield your human sexuality. You can do serious damage to your spirit that way."

"So? If I'm gonna die anyway, why not taste everything humanity has to offer."

Quarrel thought about it a moment, then turned away.

"I don't know." he grumbled. "Do what you want."

Just then, the two could hear other voices coming don the hall saying things like "What's wrong?", "Why?", "Come on!", and the like. Soon Quarrel's children were in the kitchen. They stared at him for a moment, then their eyes stuck on Thiffor.

There were three of them. One boy, two girls. The boy was about 14, awkward, short, curly red hair. One girl looked a little older, and had straight blond hair. Quite attractive. The other was young--6 maybe? With hair similar to her sister's.

"Jessica," Quarrel said, "introduce everyone."

The kids stared at their father. Looked like they could tell something was different.

"Uhh, uhh," Jessica stammered. "Kids, this is... uh... this is your... cousin... uh... what was it again?"

She had put venom in the word "cousin". Thiffor just smiled smugly as she responded.

"Thiffor."

"Thiffor. Yes. She's a... cousin... we never knew you had. Your father just found her. Somehow."

Quarrel smiled. His wife gave him a look of death. She wasn't buying the niece thing, and Quarrel couldn't care less.

"Thiffor." Jessica said coldly. "These are your cousins, Tina, Bremmer, and Hi."

Tina was the small girl, Bremmer the son, and Hi the older girl.

"Glad to meet you all!" Thiffor said, and grinning in her lie, "All these years I knew about you, but I guess you never knew about me."

"No." Bremmer said stupidly. "I never heard of it before."

Thiffor just kept on smiling.

* * *

Lemon lifted her leg and kicked the window with all her might. It should have broken, but it didn't. The force of her kick was so great, though, that she was propelled backward across the chamber, slamming into another window. It didn't break either.

Stunned for a moment, Lemon shook her head and got up, staring down the offending window.

"Ooh, you're gonna pay for that!" Lemon said, and as she crossed the room, she began reciting her gatebreaker spell again. Her pitchfork hummed in anticipation.

She finished up the spell and was about to blow the window away when she saw something in the huge chamber beyond the portal. She paused.

A horse and rider, entering the chamber from the far side. And the rider--some sort of deer man. Cute, Lemon thought. Nice horns.

She watched him begin to cross the chamber, then raised her pitchfork. Right when she was about to strike, though, a commotion broke loose in the chamber. A whole bunch of giant, furry, mammalian turtles with deer heads began to emerge from every opening in the chamber, and they began to surround the rider. Lemon saw a look of such utter horror on his face...

"Gotta help him!" Lemon yelled as she touched her pitchfork to the window. The window and the wall around it were blown away, but the chamber and the imperiled rider were receding, pulling away into a gray void.

Without another thought, she leapt as hard as she could, and when she landed on the chamber floor, a shock rang through her body. She was totally winded and stunned.

She opened her eyes, and through the wild ringing in her ears she could hear the dreadful deer-turtle things chanting accusations is deep, earthquake tones.

"Hey, leave him alone!" she yelled as she struggled to recover from the shock of crossing into this place through the gray void.

Immediately, all the deer-turtles swung their heads around and began screeching at her.

"Shut up!" she bellowed, and in the next instant, one of the creatures leapt a great distance across the chamber and landed right on top of her.

"Aaahhh!" Lemon exclaimed in horror as the thing put its full weight on her. Evil saliva dripped from the monster's snapping deer jaws, full of razor sharp fangs. And she felt arcane energies swirling around her, seeking to bind her.

Lemon was being crushed. She shut her eyes tight and fought--not the creature, but herself. She could feel the hellfire burning within her, and she wanted to hold it back. She didn't want to go back to what she was.

Tears leaked past her eyelids as she tried to hold back. But the beast began biting, tearing at her face. And she couldn't move--somehow it had cast a spell on her.

There was no way to hold back, no way. Paralyzed! Biting her face!

Aaaaaahhhhhhgggggghhhhhh!

She screamed forth a banshee wail of hellpower, letting loose with all the fury and darkness within her. She opened her eyes just in time to see a momentary look of bafflement of the monsters face as the flesh was washed from its head in her infernal wail.

In just a few seconds, it was a clean deer skull that was glaring down at her. Then it went limp, and collapsed on top of her. With a grunt she slip out from under the horrid corpse, huffing and puffing as she used her pitchfork for support in getting up.

Across the chamber, several of the deer-turtles began to walk slowly toward her, chanting unknowable magicks. Another of them bit the leg of the horse the deer guy was riding on. It turned gray, then stumbled, then fell apart. The deer dude managed to land on his feet, but seemed helpless surrounded by the monsters.

Her hellpower still surging, she transferred a huge flow of it to her pitchfork. It rang with energy, and she could have sworn it said "Yeah!"

She blasted forth fire from the pitchfork, and managed to immolate one of the deer-turtles, reducing it to ashes in seconds. The rest of the monsters leapt like toad, disappearing in all directions. The deer guy stood in stunned silence, staring at her.

She must have looked pretty evil, all that hellpower surging through her. Not a great first impression.

"Are you okay?" she said, sounding quite unearthly and infernal.

"Y-yeah." he said. "I think."

She turned around to see if there were any signs of the gray void or the chamber, but there were none. She returned her gaze to the deer guy.

"What happened?" she said.

"Um, basically I was about to be, uh, killed. So uh, thanks for uh, saving me."

"Where is this?" Lemon said as she advanced. She wanted to let the hellpower in her calm down, but she knew there might be more fights in the air.

"Huh?" the deer guy said, backing up a little.

"Where am I?"

"This is the headquarters of Deer Express." he said, then glancing over at the fountain with the letters floating above it, added "I guess you figured that much out already."

"No."

"Can't read?"

"I can read. I just didn't know what it means."

"Oh. So--so who are you?"

"I'm Lemon. Lucky for you I wandered in here."

"Yeah." the deer guy said hesitantly, looking around.

"Will they be back?"

"Um--eventually. Thing is, there's no way out. So..."

"But I got in."

"You can go out the same way?" he asked as Lemon stopped a few feet away from him.

"I don't think so." she said, looking up at him.

The deer guy sighed.

"Oh."

"So who are you?" she asked.

"Me? I'm Courier Arbhay. Until they kill me, that is."

"They won't kill you. I'll protect you."

He regarded her.

"Why?"

"Because I've sworn to do good for other people."

He nodded.

"How do we get out of here?" she said after a few moments of silence.

"I--" Arbhay said, shrugging, "--I don't know. I though I was just gonna die. Get outta here that way."

"Hmm." Lemon said as she stared at the letters floating over the fountain. DEER EXPRESS. Each letter was fantastically ornate, covered in patterns, gold and silver inlay, rare woods, and the like.

She climbed up onto the fountain and grabbed the S at the end of the word. She had to tug on it a little, but it soon came loose from whatever was holding it suspended in the air.

She hopped down and examined the object.

"Nice." she said, nodding.

Arbhay stepped back.

"You can't do that!" he said.

"No?" she said, pulling a little piece of yellow cloth from one of her pants pockets. She fiddled with it, and soon it expanded into a large sack. She dropped the S into it.

Arbhay looked on in horror as Lemon jumped back onto the fountain and started plucking the rest of the letters out of their places and stashing them in her sack.

"Don't do that!" Arbhay yelled as Lemon splashed into the fountain to reach more letters. "Hey!"

But she was oblivious, frolicking in the water and stealing cool stuff.

She had to jump up to get the letters in DEER. She hang onto each letter for a few moments before it came loose. Soon she was totally drenched with her bulging sack of eleven letters.

As she stepped out of the fountain, she heard Arbhay exclaim "Sh*t!".

She jumped off the fountain and wiped the hair and water out of her eyes to see... what? A glowing, androgynous, human-looking person. Beautiful, fragile features, orange and blue robes, massive antlers. Man! The antlers were bigger than her/him! And in one eye, the right, a single teardrop.

Lemon felt a terrible lot of power focused on this individual. But she looked at the too-perfect face and was filled with rage. Without thinking, she shot out her fist and punched the stranger straight in the nose, with massive force. The being swayed and fell, its glow diminishing but not vanishing. She looked to Arbhay.

He was speechless.

"Who was that?" Lemon asked.

"God..." Arbhay said hesitantly, taking a guilty peek at the peaceful-looking unconscious entity on the floor.

"So?"

"I don't know. But we're really in trouble now, Lemon."

"Nonsense. I said I'd protect you and I will. Now all we gotta do is find some way outta here."

Arbhay looked around nervously.

"There is no way out." he said. Then he stared at her sack and added "Except..."

"What?"

"Those letters--I've heard rumors that they hold devastating secrets. Maybe they can get us out. Gimme an E."

[:[END]:]

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