|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- BILLION'S DRIFTING--CUP 1--"A TRAIN PARK" --------  ||  Severe Repair  ||  Billion's Drifting  ||  -------> (Cup SRbd001, Created v2 (6/7/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I'VE BEEN ALL OVER. I'VE EXPERIENCED SO MUCH. BUT I'M MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER. What can it all mean? So many years devoted to a scale railroad, what does it all mean? I had to sell it. Do you know what that does to me? MY sweat. MY blood. MY pain. And now it belongs to a fool who inherited the money he used to buy my little railroad. Where's the justice in that? He said I could still ride it whenever I want, but it's not the same. He knew I wouldn't want to. That's why he made the offer. If he thought I wanted to, he would never have made the offer. I have a little money now. I can be comfortable for a year or three now. But what about after that? Will there be an "after that"? Maybe I'll get lucky and the world will end. INVEST IT! That's what he said to me. LAST ME THE REST OF MY LIFE! Yeah pal, we'll see how much longer my life will be. Could be a dollar would last me for the rest of my life, if I decide to end it all. Haha! Crazy stuff! All my life... always waiting... To think--to think I thought that once I opened my little amusement park, women would like me because of my success. I never made the effort--the thought of going out to a bar and approaching women and asking them out... more than I could bear... I just thought that when my whole train project was complete... it would all just HAPPEN. They ran that documentary about me from about ten years ago. Jesus I was young. They made it all look so bright, so promising. Yeah. I've been part of the community. I've been to schools, given my talks, seen the bright, innocent eyes of those boys, minds alive with explosive fantasies of little trains. How they all wanted to be me. I always used to look at my friends with their dreary little wives and felt quietly happy that I would never meet such a terrible fate, that my dream girl was waiting for me once I opened my train park. Now of course, I wish I had one of those bad little wives. I wish that I had one, even if I only made love to her once a month, even if we both hated each other more and more each passing week. At least she'd be there. At least, even if we did split, I would have HAD her for the time we were together. But now... the graph me... over the hump, on my way down... Maybe the secret of life is learning to ENJOY misery. If so, I'm a slow learner. You know, everything I once had in my life--I didn't realize it--but everything I had, I systematically shut down. I didn't have room for anything but my train park. Now that my train park is gone... I don't know what I'm going to do... I fear that I'm a creep--that I don't have any human graces, that I'm inappropriate in all circumstances. Emotionally, I'm weak. I can't deal with all the rejection and embarrassment. And I think of one kid during my school lecture days... he was pudgy, wore glasses... but the look in his eyes... God, it makes me want to cry every time I recall it. He WANTED TO BE ME. God how I could see into his little mind... the thought of these tiny trains that you could ride around... through all these fantastic places. In his mind, the dreams of unbounded coolness. And I wonder, I think, I think that the greatest tragedy in the world would be for him to see me as I am now. No. No way. I couldn't bear something like that. But he's got to be older now. He's been battling life, he's probably beaten to a pulp now, just like me. A heavy kid, a dorky kid--he probably never got any girls. He's probably in his own private hell right now. Maybe he's going off to college... haha... anyone can get laid in college... that's what they say... I even got laid in my college days... sort of... Yeah. I'm losing it. I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE. You know, I wrote about killing myself before, and I can't believe I'm saying it, but I gotta... NO--no no no no no. I'm in... I'm not in a rational state of mind. I gotta just relax, let go, not think. I'm not myself right now. No. No no no... So--where do I go from here? Am I so shallow that the only thing I care about is women? I mean, what about my dreams? I mean, didn't I always have all my other grandiose visions, of which the train park was holding me back? Wasn't I? Can't I now pursue these? Can't I? No. I don't know. It's all too much. I can't think anymore. PLEASE JUST LET ME GO. Who? Who should let me go? I don't know. I just feel that there's someone SQUEEZING me. Do you know what I mean? SQUEEZING ME. I can't explain it. I've been thinking of travelling, but I'd burn through my money much faster then. But who cares? I'll piss it all away and then go on a shooting spree when it's gone, taking out as many other people as I can before I myself am shot by the police. Yeah. That's something a sane person would write. Yeah. Look, where is this all heading? -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----