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|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 019--12/1/94 <------- || OsoaWeek || Issues || Book 2 || -------> (Cup OWis019, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN019OW]] [[01019CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 1 9 * * * December 1, 1994 "The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!" by Frank Edward Nora INSIDE THIS ISSUE! More awesome stuff than you could possibly deserve! The sad truth about "Star Trek: Generations" Obscure Stickers on Hovercrafts Another Space Shuttle Disaster? Missing a Psychic Meeting OsoaWeek's Millionth Character Revealed Horrible Probe Vamershee Solitaire "That Pennsylvania day with Erin, some video evidence exists." The History of "Anything But Monday" Incompetence Words of Wizdumb Meet Nevrippa Den Situation Camera Suburban Video Weirdness Hit that download button, buddy! (Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim, digital ASCII copies of this copyrighted ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction require written permission from Frank Edward Nora.) OsoaWeek is published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement * copyright 1994 Frank Edward Nora * originating in New Jersey, USA * Contact: 1-800 OBLIVIANA/obliviana@aol.com/call postal: Osoa P.O. Box 60 Iselin, NJ 08830-0060 Character count: 53870 / Line count: 1446 Catalog of Obliviana & The Table of Contents are at the very end of this file. *OW* [[02019HR]] Hemisinister Review ***MOVIES*** STAR TREK: GENERATIONS Um. Eh. Well? What can I say? This movie sucks bad. The script is horrible--full on inconsistencies and heavy-handed plot devices. Captain Kirk is in the movie for only a few pathetic minutes, and the whole thing is indistinguishable from a weak episode of Next Generation. I feel bad for all those Trekkies out there (or "Trekkers", as they preferred to be called)--I can't imagine waiting on the edge of my seat so long for such a piece of sh*t. *OW* [[03019ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: ZOPE AND THE OBSCURE STICKER ZOPE Why is there a giant "Purple Pieman" scratch-n-sniff sticker on my hovercraft? ED APE I thought you liked weird stuff like that. ZOPE hits ED APE in the face with a crowbar. *OW* [[04019HT]] Halfevil Times HALFEVIL TIMES PERCEPTIONS & PONDERINGS EVER WONDER... ...why the greatest TV shows ever made, "Real People" and "That's Incredible", aren't shown anymore? EVER NOTICE... ...that we're just about due for another space shuttle disaster? *OW* [[05019LA]] Lord of Obliviana I want to take a look back at last issue. It was kind of down. Let me take a look at it--I mean, even though I only just finished it this morning, it's not so burned in my mind as it maybe should be. Yeah? Yeah. It's definitely "The Story"--that thing I wrote in 1986. It's a real downer for me. I mean, the rest of the issue is fine, if a bit sparse, but "The Story" is tough for me. So what is it about this little piece of writing that's affects me so? Well, a big part of it is that it brings me back to that time and place, and the state of mind I was in. And it was some weird sh*t. I mean, the "Big Mistake" I refer to in "The Story" is quite bizarre. What it was, see, was that I thought I had made psychic contact with this girl I had a crush on, Amy. In this supposed psychic contact, I made a date with her, to meet at some specific place and time. But I forgot about it, and I wound up wondering whether or not she might have been there! I mean, she could have experienced the contact too, and went to the place, and then figured it was all in her imagination. So this was the "Big Mistake". Maybe not so big, in retrospect, figuring in the likelihood that the psychic contact was valid. Also, references to something like "a new girl on the horizon" referred to someone who would become my first girlfriend a few weeks later. In addition, I allude to a difficult circumstance, in which I liked a certain girl, but she liked my roommate, and he liked another girl, and she liked another guy. It was tough. On my birthday, I actually told the girl I liked that I liked her. I had been her "special friend". And let me tell you--there's nothing worse than being a girl's "special friend". You want to have sex with her, and she just wants to hang out and tell you about the guys she likes. Once I told the girl I liked her, our friendship was totally over. But I much preferred it that way--I'm not good at being a special friend. But I did use a novel approach to get my first girlfriend. Remember how I said there was this chain of unrequited love, where I loved a girl, who loved my roommate, who loved...and so on. Well, I figured there must be a girl out there who liked me but who I didn't like. So I said, basically, f*ck it! I'll just go out with the girl who likes me but I don't like. And you know what? It worked! But this was the weird place I was at. That year--1986--was a really amazing year. 1989 was also a key year. And maybe, just maybe, 1994 is in the same league. See what "The Story" does to me? It makes me think of all this drifting, introspective stuff. Yeah. It got me down. But I feel better after discussing it with you here. So whatever, let's change the topic, eh? Look where I've gotten--to issue number 19! That's a lot of issues! And a lot of writing. I've been trying to get something like this going since way back in that great year of 1986. As of March of this year, eight months ago, I had no modem and little interest in the online world. But everything just kind of fell together and here I am, 19 issues and well over a million characters later. Oh yeah! A friend of mine asked my if I was going to point out exactly where the millionth character fell. And you know, that's not a bad idea! Let me find out. Be back in a flash with the info! Okay I found it. It's in the Severe Repair in OsoaWeek015. It falls on the letter "e" in the word "candidates". See... whether or not to join. Personally, I feel that these candidates There it is. Character number one million. That means I hit my keyboard well over a million times so far to write OsoaWeek! Cool! I'm an ASCII character millionaire! Yeah. But that's not quite right. First of all, in the First Quarter, I copied the Catalog of Obliviana and the Appendix pretty much verbatim from issue to issue. And here in the Second Quarter, I've killed the Appendix, but I'm still copying the almost-3K Catalog from issue to issue. Also, a lot of the Severe Repair thus far was written prior to OsoaWeek001--but most of the pre-existing material has been exhausted as of now, and most of the Severe Repair these days is brand new. This issue was touched on in a recent e-mail, the fact that I am including a lot of previously-done material in OsoaWeek. As I've said before, only a handful of people have ever seen the stuff I've done over the past eight or nine years. We're talking like tens of people. And also, stuff like Severe Repair, Superior, Friction Enhancer, Actuality Destructor, and the like are series, where it's important to have the full set. Superior, for example, is 100% new these days. As is just about everything. Dehumidifier, on the other hand, was created to be a sort of showcase for stuff I've done in the past which doesn't fit into any existing feature. But even in there, I've done new material. For example, For Joey 4--"Typewriter Oil"--in OsoaWeek017 was only partially done in 1989. So I finished it up. So the idea of hitting the keyboard over a million times IS valid, but a lot of those keystrokes happened over the course of eight or nine years. Or actually--I got my first Mac in 1989--and all the stuff I'd written prior to that had to be entered on the Mac--so it was five years. Okay, enough of all that. As I've said previously, there aren't very many reader of OsoaWeek right now, so this is more of a foundation for things to come. That is, at some point, I hope to start to get hundreds, thousands, or even more readers. And at that point, there will be this rich vein of back issues chock full of awesome infostimulation. So check it all out, dude. Check it all out. Thinking of the past, of what I had. Anything But Monday Magazine was the closest I ever got to commercial success. Me and my friend from college, Mike Massotto, got the whole thing going. We had a real office, we had real distributors, real artists, a real printer. And real talent. But we didn't have experience. Funny. If we had experience back then, we would never have even done it. Huh. It was just about exactly five years ago that Anything But Monday unceremoniously disintegrated. And it took me all that time to get to another serious endeavor--the thing you're reading right now--OsoaWeek. But from this vantage point, would I have really wanted Anything But Monday to succeed? Well, it would have been nice, but I can't help but wonder how I would have moved into the Digital Superworld if I was applying all my energies toward a big commercial humor magazine. That is, even though these past five years have been tough, it's been a strong foundation for the insanity to come--the insanity of the Digital Superworld. Five years. And what did I get done, before the beginning of OsoaWeek? 18 experimental, physically-printed publications. And I've already finished 18 OsoaWeeks in 18 weeks! Yeah, OsoaWeek is it. Get All Obliviana! *OW* [[06019NH]] Nihilistica ***SUPER OBJECTS*** SERIES 1 (1) Alien Baby Party Game (2) Apropos Artifacts from Anti-Hell (3) Folded Dog Penis (4) Futuristic Feminine Aid (5) Non-Electric Baffer (6) Neptune's Chinese Hammer (7) Glass Chex (8) Werewolf Protection Kit SERIES 2 (9) Flippy the Megalith (10) Gift-Wrapped End-of-the-World-as-you-Know-It (11) Hanging Gardens of Babylon II (12) Horrible Probe (13) Irksome Triangle (14) Pocket Antique Shop (15) Portable Neon Death Vortex (16) Rose-Colored Moron *OW* [[07019FE]] Friction Enhancer Friction Enhancer 7: VAMERSHEE SOLITAIRE OVERVIEW Vamershee Solitaire is a cool game which can be constructed from a single sheet of lettersize copier/laser printer paper. It does take a fair amount of skill to construct, though--and it's tough to describe the method of construction in text. But I'm gonna give it a shot. There are four basic types of game pieces you'll need to make from the sheet of paper. The first step is to divide the sheet into seven vertical strips--one 1/4 sheet strip, and six 1/8 sheet strips. To do this, first fold the sheet in half longways, so the crease runs from the top to the bottom of the sheet. Run your fingernail along the crease, then open the sheet and fold it the other way along the same crease. Again, runs your fingernail along the crease. Finally, reverse the crease again, and again run your fingernail along it. Unfold the sheet, and you should be able to carefully rip the sheet in a straight line along the crease. This takes some practice, but once you get the hang of it, it should work easily. This process of creasing and ripping must be done five more times. First, rip one 1/3 sheet strip into two 1/4 sheet strips. Set one strip aside. Then rip the other 1/2 sheet strip into 2 1/4 sheet strips. So now you should have three 1/4 sheet strips. Each of these must be creased and ripped, so as to make six 1/8 sheet strips. At this point, you'll have the one 1/4 sheet strip and the six 1/8 sheet strips you need. From these, you will make one GOAL, one ROD, one MEASURE, and four PELLETS. TO MAKE THE GOAL Fold the 1/4 strip in half, so that the short ends touch (i.e., not into 2 1/8 strips halves). Open, and fold both ends into the center, so that the strip is divided by creases into four segments. Now, take one of the corners and fold it down diagonally, as in a paper airplane. Then turn the sheet over and fold the 45 degree edge down again, also as in a paper airplane. Perform the same two folds on the other side. Now, recrease the sheet along the original three creases. Set the Goal down on a flat surface, and adjust it so that it's a square, and the two points are touching. The Goal is done. TO MAKE THE ROD This is the most vital component, as everyone will make it a little bit differently. Basically, you wanna start by curling one corner of a 1/8 strip between your thumb and index finger. The idea is to start to roll the whole strip up at approximately a 45 degree angle. So getting a good start is vital. Once the entire strip is rolled up, the Rod need to be shaped up--and again, this is a matter of personal taste. But a number of flexings, rerollings, etc. are involved in shaping it up. The final result should look something like a screw, and should have a lot of spring to it. If you don't get it at first, keep trying! TO MAKE THE MEASURE Here's the easy one! Just fold one of the 1/8 strip in half longways, making one crease dividing two 1/16 sections. Strengthen this crease, then open it up a little. And that' it! TO MAKE THE PELLETS Okay, here's where it gets ugly. This one is real tough to explain. But anyway, here goes... Take one of the 1/8 strips and fold one corner down so that the short edge rests against the long edge (like a paper airplane). Then, fold over the perpendicular line where there's overlap. Then make another paper airplane type fold, and so on, all the way down the strip. If there's less that a square left at the end, cleanly rip it off. Now, go down the strip and reverse all the perpendicular fold. Now, you can begin to shape the 6-sided diamond-like shape. Loosely form it and go around and around, until you reach the end, where you fold the final square into a triangle and tuck it into. And voila! You have one of your pellets! Now do the three others. Note: I know this is a totally inadequate description, but it's the kind of thing you just have to see to understand. SETTING UP THE GAME Set up the Goal, with the two points pointing toward you. Then place one end of the Measure at those two points, and point it toward you, so that the two ends of the Measure and the opposite end of the Goal form a straight line. Now, it's time to set up the four pellets into a Diamond. Each Pellet has two sides which are perpendicular to the ground, 90 degrees from each other. Using these sides, position all four Pellets together into a square--it will form a structure looking something lie a Diamond. Then, position the denter of one edge of the Diamond at the close end of the Measure. Remove the Measure, and the game is set up. PLAYING THE GAME Hold the base of the rod in one hand, and pull back the tip with a finger on the other hand. Now, position the Rod as you like, and let go with the finger, keeping the base of the Rod absolutely still. The spring action will cause the tip of the Rod to fly forward. Using this mechanic, the Pellets can be shot. And indeed, this is the idea of the game--keep shooting the Pellets until all of them are in the goal. Keep count of how many shots are used. Once all Pellets are in the Goal, write down the number of shots on the Measure. Then set up the round again. 12 rounds are played, and the final score is the sum of all but the highest two scores. That is, the two worst rounds can be crossed off. Or, if you're doing really bad, you can abort up to two games. The final score is then recorded, the lower, the better, of course. If you accidentally move the Goal or the Pellets, or move the base of the Rod when shooting, or screw up in any other way, it's considered a foul. Abort the round and set up again. Record the foul on the Measure. In my first attempt at this game, I got 216, with my lowest round being 15, and having two fouls. I suppose a score of 10 is theoretically possible, but highly unlikely. A score of 50 is much more realistic as a near-perfect score--that is, after the break shot, taking one shot to get each Pellet into the Goal, in 10 out of 12 rounds. CONCLUSION I realize that with these instructions alone, it would be very difficult (though not impossible) to actually construct Vamershee Solitaire. So I will endeavor to produce instructions in a more visual, precise manner. ADDENDUM Vamershee Solitaire is descended from a game called Zarball, which I described in a four-page publication in February of 1988 called "Zarball Special" (I am thinking of creating a Vamershee variation that uses these ancient rules). I came up with the basic idea for Zarball about four years before that, in high school. *OW* [[08019SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 125 I'm on Tabasco and she's on codeine. Sometimes on cable I flip past a rodeo. Ten minutes ahead of travel. SUPERIOR 126 Hi, ask!? Time to sleep. Um, yeah that's it. Weirdness. Losing it. Find was yes indeed specific. The friend who's floundering, unable to stand erect. Time passes, and wears away sharp edges smooth and comfortabler, what was no way is now no prob. That Pennsylvania day with Erin, some video evidence exists. She was a good girlfriend. So and it? Growing up means being able to assimilate all your bizarre experiences and live with them. But the experiences are still bizarre. Going to Erin's house when her parents were in Europe, sneaking in so the neighbors wouldn't see. Yeah. Having a dream about Erin, about seeing her in D.C. again, but there's no way. A dream, whatever. SUPERIOR 127 I have to really think forth explode!--you're in here. It was a lot, and now, on that raining street, that balcony in an autumn of wet fallen leaves, they say the secret is perseverance. All the revolving wonders of an endeavor--places to eat, places to be, places to wait. Wonderful feelings. Where have I gotten to. SUPERIOR 128 To think of campus, that it's still with me, a few select memories, but what a feeling. The danger and weirdness all seems nicer now. Experience, it's more than you can dream. We all juggernaut forward, and it's massive and disastrous for us all. But just think--it's still there. Visit. *OW* [[09019DH]] Dehumidifier Right here I'm starting a series of Anything But Monday-based Dehumidifiers, starting with a history I wrote earlier this year, when me and Mike were considering an attempt to become DJ's again. It never happened, but the history is pretty fun to read. After that, I'll present the first two "Words of Wizdumb" features. WOW was the introduction to each issue of ABM, and there are thirteen in all--and they started getting pretty darn good toward the end. The first issue didn't really have a WOW, but it did reprint the letter we got from the WMNJ Executive Board informing us about our removal from the airwaves. (The comments from the margin are in the triple-parentheses). Enjoy! THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING BUT MONDAY Mike Massotto and Frank Edward Nora met at Madison, NJ's Drew University in 1985. At first, Mike was a thorn in Frank's side--coming into his room at all hours reciting dialogue from the film "Rambo" and using Frank's computer to play dungeon games. Slowly, however, the two discovered their mutual interest in radio comedy and the next semester joined the college radio team--on a 10-watt pip-squeak of a station--WMNJ Madison/Chatham 88.9 FM. While their first show, called "Anything But Monday", was a disaster, over the course of several weeks they found a strong rapport on the air, and produced some impressive material--before being thrown off the station after telling the general manager--on the air mind you--to get back into his tumbleweed and roll back to Texas. This was after he called and told them to stop all their "Imus in the Morning sh*t." After losing their appeal before a group of stoic classmates, the pair decided that their comedic gifts couldn't be so easily squashed, and they promptly produced the crude first issue of their "Anything But Monday" magazine. Fellow students we're overheard saying "Massotto & Nora are at it again." And indeed they were. The first issue unsettled the campus a bit, but with the second issue, the real trouble started to get into gear. Mike drew a comic strip depicting "Gay Gary and Stu the Flamer", totally fictitious characters which just happened to coincidentally resemble the Stu and Gary who were the program director and music director at WMNJ. The besmirched Stu and Gary filed charges against Massotto & Nora with the soon-be-very-rankled Dean of Students. In a pugnacious stance, Massotto & Nora counterfiled charges of uncalled-for harassment. This resulted in a settlement where both pairs agreed to drop the charges as long as the characters were "significantly changed." Mike came up with the new characters "Gay Yrag and Uts the Flamer" for issue 3, but this was nothing compared to a gag editorial Frank wrote in the same issue--something or other about how South African blacks should be happy they're just second-class citizens and not slaves. This, coupled with a few ethnic jokes, fell into the hands of the black radical group on campus, and then the real fun began. In the space of a few weeks, Massotto & Nora (now back on the air) were informed that they were being brought up on formal charges of "human rights violations". Not to be suppressed, the comedy team got in contact with newspapers and radio and TV news programs, who jumped at this breaking story of First Amendment infringements. This was before the politically correct movement was such a juggernaut in the national consciousness, and Massotto & Nora disregarded politics in defending themselves and concentrated mainly on issues of artistic freedom. But during the marathon judicial board hearing on the matter, it was the threat of more bad publicity which gave Massotto & Nora the power to control the outcome. To paraphrase Frank: "We want to be found guilty just to satisfy all the various groups on campus. But we want the least possible punishment, a written reprimand, or we'll call every media outlet that exists and tell them everything that you did to us." A professor on the board inquired of Frank if that was a threat. Nora replied that it was not a threat, but merely a statement of fact of what the comedy team intended to do. The board continued to ponder the issue until they finally acquiesced and did exactly what Massotto & Nora had essentially ordered them to do--issue a rambling, semi-coherent written reprimand in the college paper. The pair were officially human rights violators, but somehow they wore that conviction with gleeful pride. In the following years, Massotto & Nora continued both their radio program and their magazine, produced several video projects, and came in second running for President and Vice President of Drew University. As the comedy team were nearing the completion of their Bachelor's Degrees, they started a publishing company and began publishing a nationally-distributed, much improved "Anything But Monday" magazine. At the same time Frank was interning at MTV News, and got the magazine featured on a news segment. The two were also hired as freelance writers on the short-lived "MTV-To-Go" magazine. Unfortunately, their wild and mildly surreal magazine, though critically successful, managed only four issues before it fell too far into the red ink to save from collapsing. After this bitter disappointment, Massotto and Nora went their separate ways with a bad taste in their minds. After all the adversity they had triumphed against, they were clumsily demolished by the free market. Mike and Frank both went on to develop successful careers--Mike in health care and Frank in computers. But though financially comfortable, the two still had that original radio bug infesting their spirits. And after years of dormancy, their dreams of a successful radio career are back in force. Given, they're in the real world now, not the idyllic atmosphere of college, but Massotto and Nora believe they have what it takes to provide a radio station with a profitable program. They realize that most program directors won't even have the guts to consider such a wild radio program. But they also know that there has to be someone out there crazy enough to give them a shot, to give them the opportunity to take on the free market--and win this time. Adversity? Massotto and Nora's new radio project is rife with adversity, but they're confident that they will succeed. If not, it's health care and computers for a long, long, oh so long time. WORDS OF WIZDUMB 1 (Spring 1986) (((The "official" statement (you can tell).))) April 8, 1986 Mike and Frank, You are hereby informed of your removal from the WMNJ air staff, effective immediately, on grounds of incompetence. WMNJ Executive Board * * * April 11, 1986 Mike and Frank, Following is a list of incidents which constitute the Executive Board's claim of incompetence pertaining to your radio show. Although grounds for your suspension were based upon a full semester's conduct, all incidents mentioned below occurred during your last two shows. "Incompetence," as defined by Webster's Dictionary, here means, "the state of being unsuitable for a particular purpose." (((Incompetence as defined by us is, "evident by the April 8th statement."))) * Incessant on-air babbling throughout the duration of the show * Talking over a recorded public service announcement * Talking over a station promo * Using last names in derogatory comments about university personnel * Playing the Emergency Broadcast System recorded announcement when no test or activation was authorized (((How does $10,000 and 2 yrs. in the slammer sound?))) * Playing a laugh track over a recorded public service announcement (((Drew Security had it coming!))) * Continued accosting and begging of listeners for studio phone calls * Pandering to a small, limited audience which calls the station phone line * Interrupting the reading of a public service announcement to inject personal comments * Playing, talking over, and cutting short music from the Fred Small promotion tape (((Bornie music))) In addition to showing on-air incompetence, you also exhibited conduct unsuitable for membership in a large organization such as WMNJ. Following is a list of actions which constitute incompetence as a working member of the radio station. * Blatant disregard for management directives as established in meetings and in person * Total lack of cooperation with management concerning on-air conduct (exhibited by hanging up on the General Manager) (((It was an accident... honest Steve!))) * General Manager is responsible for the overall cohesiveness of the station staff and must ensure the quality of programming for the audience--You, in public on-air statements, exhibited flippant disregard for this obligation of station management ((You failed Hopalong!))) WORDS OF WIZDUMB 2 Just what in the F*CK is "Anything But Monday Productions?" Well, we're a non-profit, underground, unaffiliated, audiovisual, sometimes offensive, yet benevolent, humorous and twisted organization. We are dedicated to the freedom of mankind and the sanctity of human life. Our ideals are Truth, Justice, The American Way, Truth, Fun, Free Enterprise, and Pinball. We mean not to offend, but merely wish to point out the danger of putting so much seriousness into something that it becomes sterile and humorless. We are the Future. This magazine is a living symbol of the Freedom of the Press, and any attempts to quell it will reek of Communism. If you have any complaints, send them in. They might be... amusing. We really don't care what you think, since most of you out there are zombies brainwashed by the media. We understand how you might be scared of something like this, because it's different, but rest assured, there is no actual danger. People don't die from creativity. So add a little fun to your pathetic and lifeless existence and read this magazine. It's for your own good. And friends, don't miss our video. Please. Frank Nora Michael Massotto *OW* [[10019SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 19: "Went Nowhere" Dolthethmen felt like a mountain of bowling balls had just collapsed onto him. He stared blankly at Emily. "Well!" Emily said. "What do you want? I remember when I was you all too well. I was such a loser." Dolthethmen continued to stare. "So I was right." he said. "You are the same future me that screwed me up in the parking lot." "Not really." the pretty girl said. "I did that a few centuries back. I've mellowed out a lot since then." Dolthethmen sneered. "So this is what I have to look forward to? Becoming a superpowerful pervert?" "Among other things--yes." Emily said. Tears began to well in Dolthethmen's eyes. "I had a good life here. I was learning things. I was maturing." he said. "And you still will." Emily said. "It's just--oh!--you're too irresistible a target!" Dolthethmen turned away, and though trying to hold back, burst into tears. "Sorry." Emily said. "Excellent situation! An exquisite flavor!" Hypergod Amnifaoz bellowed. "Most refined." "What?" Emily asked, looking calmly up at the beast. "Ho, I am a connoisseur of such fine situations! And you, the sexual predator of past selves, provide lively grist!" "I'm glad you find this so amusing." Emily said. "A fine spread. I must record. Hold." Amnifaoz said, reaching into a compartment in the left shoulder of his armor and pulling out what appeared to be a snub gun of some sort. Prince Ferrajalt held up his hand and said "ho ho ho ho" in alarm. "Naw!" Amnifaoz said. "It's just a situation camera--passive device. Does not harm. Here, a click." The Hypergod clicked the device, and placed it back in his armor. "See? Now I can view the situation over and over again. Even publish-array it for my fellows!" Injure Bodoni licked his lips and stared at Amnifaoz's armor. "A situation camera?" the scientist asked. "A truly functional situation camera? Incredible!" "Yes." Amnifaoz boomed. "Standard issue. I see you're intrigued. I can confer all technical specifications to you, if you wish." "Haha! Yes!" Injure said, looking around at the others. "I want it! A situation camera!" "Don't listen to him." the furry little lady Ann Saply said. "He's got inferior equipment. I can describe to you a full-motion, 5-D situation recorder." "Bah!" Amnifaoz said. "Hey Mr. Scientist!" Emily yelled, standing up. "I know you're getting a hard-on over all this new technology, but I don't think you've grasped what I said before--I am from the future--and none of this ever happened! Not in any timestream!" "Look you!" Injure said, losing his cool. "This sort of event wouldn't leave a scratch on up to 18 accordions of time! So of course it never happened!" "Huh?" Emily said. "Whatever sort of creature you are," Injure said, "you're not gonna discover this sort of thing unless it hits you square in the ass!" "I see." Emily said. "People!" Ledrant Hate yelled. "And others. We must seek a resolution to this problem. Injure here has stated that there is something we can do that will make everything right again. Isn't that so?" Injure looked at his instruments. "That's true, but with setup I have here, the best I could do is test event-whastions to see if they'd work--but it could take 40 to 50 minutes to test each one!" "What exactly is an event-whastion?" Emily asked. "It's just something that happens!" Injure said impatiently. "Saying hello to your mother! Throwing a soda can out a car window! Skipping a stone! Anything!" "So effectively," Hate said, "there are an infinite array of event-whastions available at any time." "Well, effectively, but remember Corridor--in any situation, only a tiny subset of all possible event-whastions will be apparent as options." "Okay." Hate said, thinking. "Okay. Back at the Noyage Parlour, the payphone rang. I picked it up and some old woman told me something like, to get my life in order and get rid of Office Complex at Gumhanshire. Then she said something about an operator." "Look I don't understand!" Emily shouted. "Why not ask Hypergod here or the fuzzball over there? They obviously have the technology!" Injure was annoyed. "I already did ask Ann, and though helpful, she doesn't have the capacity. I assume Amnifaoz doesn't either, since Ann's at a higher technological level." "That's true." Ann said. "Fuzzball! Ha ha ha!" Amnifaoz bellowed. Ann sneered at the Hypergod. "But this old woman!" Injure yelled. "What did she say again?" "To get my life in order by getting rid of Office Complex at Gumhanshire--you know--that huge building down in Doscovor." Hate said. "I know it." Injure said. "But get rid of it? As far as we know, it may already be gone--a lot of buildings here in Derolbam are gone, you know." "Well, I'm just saying, getting rid of that building, however it might be done, would be an event-whastion, right?" said Hate. "I guess so." Injure said. "But I still don't understand exactly what 'getting rid of' means." "Destroy it!" Emily said. "Blow it up or something!" Injure turned to look at Emily. "First of all, blowing up a building takes months of preparation. Secondly, the ruins of the building will still be on site. So are we getting rid of the material of the building, or just its pattern integrity?" Ferrajalt turned to Amnifaoz. "Um, Amnifaoz--could you destroy a building?" The beast regarded the Prince. "My personal arms and explosives can mete out wild levels of destruction. But the demolition of a huge building is tricky work. I have tried. Like it or not, I am about as small as you when compared to such a behemoth construct." "How 'bout, y'know, like mass destruction?" Ferrajalt suggested. "Like atomic or strong force or whatever?" "We don't have any here." Injure said. "And even if we did--destroying all of Doscovor and its environs is different than destroying a single building." "Well feed it into your machine--just blowing up the building or whatever--and see if it's the right event!" Prince Ferrajalt said. "Why else would we have gotten that call?" "I can think of lots of reasons." Injure said, fiddling with his instruments. "But I guess it's worth a try. Only problem is, it's such a pain to get the datum into my models." "Well do it." Hate said. "If it turns out to be the right thing, we'll figure out some way to destroy it." "Remember Ledrant--the specific phrasing was 'get rid of'. That's what I'm putting into the model, and that's what we'll have to do." "Agreed." Hate said. An uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Prince Ferrajalt looked around. This loser Dolthethmen, now curled up into a fetal position, was still sobbing a little. And what he would become, this gorgeous but superpowerful and corrupt woman, Emily, sitting in a big chair, looking kind of happy. Then there was the huge armored monstrosity of Hypergod Amnifaoz--he seemed far badder even than anything from Hell. And the little yellowfur cat lady in the black dress--"shook out of the pepper shaker" she said--who had befriended Injure Bodoni. Yeah, that Injure. He had a better grasp on Bridging and Aconck tech than almost anybody. But he could be a real dick at times. Then there was Ledrant Hate--cool and collected as usual. Ferrajalt wondered if Amnifaoz bore any resemblance to the monsters that tormented Hate as a child. And Ferrajalt thought back to the palace, the royal family he so gladly abandoned. And now this. Not too exciting. The prospect of being stuck in this messed-up failure of an Earth for the rest of eternity was not too appealing. But he took the risk by joining Overwhelm Associates. Still, he wished he was home, and he felt bad that he hadn't contacted his family in so long. He could only imagine what the tabloid press had concocted as the reason he had effectively disappeared. He supposed his parents thought he had joined a cult or something, but they would never suggest such a thing to the press. No, there were probably some really awful stories about him back home. * * * "I told you it'd be cool!" Nevrippa Den said, behind the wheel of a big truck. V Sincein sat beside her. He regarded his fellow Primate. She wore nothing but shades of pink, as a matter of principle. Kind of a skirt, kind of a dress, kind of a sweater, kind of a vest. She had a little bit of hair in a weird pattern on her head, dirty blond. Her tiny, naturally attractive five-foot frame was a frightening powerhouse. Indeed, she was one of Overwhelm Associates' most formidable warriors. This was part of the reason V Sincein wasn't trying too hard to dissuade Nevrippa from her ill-timed campaign to steal all manner of treasures and art masterpieces while reality was crashed. He tried to explain to her there'd be plenty of time for looting after they returned to base and got a handle on the situation, but she wouldn't have anything of it. "But aren't these masterpieces screwed up?" V Sincein asked. Indeed, the reality crash seemed to be especially adverse to works of art, all of which were twisted and altered to some degree or another. Scary stuff. "I like the way they took the knockout punch. It's awesome!" Nevrippa said. "But the others must be worried about us." V didn't like how that sounded. He sounded like a loser. Here was Nevrippa Den, living in the moment, as he had always strived for. But he was unable to match her pace. As a DJ, V had gotten into a musical mystery perpetrated by supergroup The Anger Friends. They had a concept album, "Commonday", which contained numerous allusions to some sort of horrible ancient secret. V got involved in the frenzy to figure the riddle out, and was the one who got it. Problem was, The Anger Friends weren't aware that they had actually uncovered an ancient force; they thought it was all a joke. V gained some notoriety for finding the secret, but most people thought the odd phenomenon surrounding him--a huge gossamer cube which followed him around--was some sort of special effect. They didn't realize he'd uncovered something unbelievable. When he pushed, more and more people began branding him as a nut, and his radio career soon ended. But just a week into his personal decline after losing his job, V was recruited into Overwhelm Associates. He still didn't understand the magical immaterial cube, sometimes barely visible, which lazily followed him around. Nor did he understand the way it made him feel. "Hey V! Guess what I see?" "What?" "A video store, guy!" "So? What are you looking for--rare bootleg videos or something?" "No silly. Just take a look at some of those paintings back there. If they got so messed by this reality crash, imagine what might have happened to some of our favorite Timber Serious movies!" A chill ran up V's spine. "Now come on, Nevrippa. I don't know if we want to get involved--" "--call me Rippy!" "Huh?" "I'm feeling good. Call me Rippy!" "Whatever. Okay, Rippy. I was just saying, those painting are scary enough, with what's happened to them. Are you sure we should take the leap to videos?" But Nevrippa was already stopping the truck in front of the video store, right next to the base of one of those enormous streetlights. "Think of the marketing value, V! This stuff'll be worth big bucks when we get back to reality! I wanna be rich!" "Well, I think it's a bad idea, really." But Nevrippa was already halfway out of the truck. So they went into the video store. A TV behind the counter flickered with static, casting nightmarish shadows throughout the store. The place looked like it had been ransacked. There were videos scattered all over the place. Nevrippa rifled through a pile on the ground, while V just looked around, a sinking feeling coming over him. "Look, Rippy. I may have enough battery power left for one more transmission. We should call and tell the others we're coming back. Enough of this craziness." "I quite agree!" Nevrippa said brightly, as she jumped up with more spunk than reasonable, given the situation. She held a video up. "But we just have to take a look at this one! I think it's derivative of that great high school sexploitation flick, 'Going Nowhere'." V looked at the label on the box. He could barely make out some sort of suburban street, with the title "Went Nowhere" spray painted on the road in the photo. "'Went Nowhere'? Maybe it's the sequel?" "No way." Nevrippa said, wading through a sea of videos to get behind the counter. "I researched it before. If there were any sequel, in any way, I would have known about it. No--this is the reality-crashed version of 'Going Nowhere'. Isn't this awesome? I'm all goosebumpy!" V watched helplessly as Nevrippa fumbled with the VCR, sticking the tape in, and pressing play. He looked outside briefly. Just the same cold, abandoned city. The static and snow was replaced by the fresh black of start of a video. "I don't know if I want to see this, Rippy." "Of course you do! Come on--you're a Primate for crying out loud! Have some backbone in the face of the unreal." "Okay." V said. He did fear Nevrippa. Not that she'd ever threaten him or anyone else in Overwhelm, but it was just the fact that she could utterly cream him in the blink of an eye. Such power, such terror, in the hands of this silly girl. "This is gonna be great! I love the real version of this movie. I can't wait to see how it got changed!" "We're not gonna watch the whole thing, are we?" "No--just the first couple of minutes, so I get an idea of what it's like!" The film studio faded in, normal except for a different color scheme. Then it faded to black, and then faded in to a scene of some teenagers in the woods. One boy was skateboarding on some huge rocks, and a girl was kneeling down with a video camera. A fat kid and a nerdy kid were also there. "You can't skate on rocks." the fat kid said. "What do you think I'm doing?" The shot then changed to a close-up of the girl tearing open a brand new video tape and loading it into her camera. "You'll damage your wheels." the nerd said. "I'll damage your face." After this, there were shots of the girl videotaping the cool guy doing all sorts of skating trick on the rocks, with plenty of adolescent repartee. Finally, the guy fell into a stream, and the girl said, "Okay, let's go home and take a look Mr. Wonderful TV star!" The guy laughed sarcastically from the water. V Sincein shook his head. "Is this that much different from the original?" "Yeah! I mean, they're the same characters, but there was never any scene like this." "It's just--it doesn't seem very strange." "Shh! I wanna hear this!" The four kids entered a nice suburban living room, and the girl set the camera down on the couch and took the tape out. "You have to rewind it?" the cool guy asked. "No, I rewound it in the camera." "Awesome." the cool guy said. The girl turned on the TV, put the video in the VCR, and pressed play. Instantly, the image came up, but it was of the four of them standing together on one of the rocks, arms around each others shoulders, as in a chorus line, happily counting, "eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..." "What the hell is this?" the cool guy asked? "We didn't do that!" the fat kid commented. The camera zoomed into the face of the nerd, and he wore a look a horror. The girl jumped forward and stopped the tape. "Maybe I used an old tape." she said, ejecting the tape to look at it. "I saw you open it up! It was new!" the cool guy said. "I know." the girl said, looking over the tape. "But we never did that!" the fat kid yelled, starting to panic, "I know we never did." The cool guy held his hand up. "Okay! Just relax! There has to be a rational explanation for this." "Put it back in." the nerd said, with icy calmness. "We have to see the whole thing." "Maybe it was the company who made the tape." the fat kid said, starting to cry. "Maybe they did it." "How could they?" the girl said, shaking as she put the tape back in. "That was us!" She looked back at the other three before pressing play. The image came up again, the kids were still counting. Then the scene changed to the four of them climbing up on some kind of net, high up in the trees. The camera was shaking, as if the one holding it were also in the net--but all four of them were on screen. "Now what the hell is this?" the fat kid sobbed, panic rising in his heart. "We never did that!" "Shut up!" the cool guy yelled. "Then the scene changed--it was a police car, pulled over, lights flashing. The camera was shaking, as if the person holding it was trying to get a better position. It seemed as if the camera was taping hidden, from in a bush or something. There were two cops yelling something, and then it zoomed in to the girl, who was down on her knees, her hands handcuffed behind her back. One of the cope then yelled something else, pointed a gun at the girls head, and pulled the trigger. For a moment, the sight of her head being blown apart was visible, but then the scene shifted to a still-frame of the four kids in the living room, all with looks of shock and horror on their faces. The credits then started, with the scene panning and zooming around the still frame. The theme song was an upbeat, goofy sort of rock song, which contrasted in a very shocking way with the visuals. Nevrippa turned around and looked at V, who had a kind of sickened expression on his face. "See? I told you it would get good." V smiled a little, and nodded his head. He couldn't really think of anything to say--he was still trying to process what he had just seen. "I gotta see what happens!" As the credits finally ended, there was another fade to black, and the scene then faded into two kids hiding under a car in a parking garage--the fat kid and the nerd. They were silent as they watched a big car drive into a car elevator. The doors closed, and from the cracks on the side of the elevator, it was apparent that the elevator was going up. "See, I told ya!" the fat kid said. "It goes up! But there's nothing UP! There's just a roof up there!" "I see what you mean." the nerd said. "So you wanna do it?" "Do what?" "Find out where they're going!" "Definitely--but how?" "Well--listen, here's my plan. If we hide behind that dumpster, then we could crawl in after they go into it, and they wouldn't see us!" "I don't know--I don't want to get into trouble." "What could happen! We're minors for god's sake! We can't go to jail or anything." "Yeah, I guess." "Listen--I hear a car coming up from down there--let's get over there." "Well..." "Come on!" The fat kid and the nerd ran across the garage and hid behind a dumpster. Soon, a car came and stopped in front of the elevator door. After about ten seconds, the door opened up, and the car drove in. "It's now or never!" the fat kid said, as the two crawled into the elevator, behind the car. Slowly, the doors closed, and the two kids were in the stark light of the elevator. With a lurch, it began to move upward. And it kept on going. "This is ridiculous!" the nerd whispered loudly. "Where the hell are we going?" "That's what I wanna find out!" They continued upward, and the two exchanged worried glances. Finally, the elevator slowed and lurched to a halt. A sign came into view as the elevator doors on the other side began to open, reading "THE UPPER CITY". As the doors opened fully, a bright scene was revealed--a gorgeous place and a gorgeous day. "Whoah!" the fat kid exclaimed. The nerd smiled broadly. V was shocked as the TV switched back to static and snow. Nevrippa had stopped the tape and was taking it out. "Oh--it's just you." V said. "See--you were getting involved in it!", Nevrippa said, taking the tape out and putting it back in its case. "It's good, isn't it? And the coolest part is--where the hell is it coming from, you know? Like, no one ever made it, but here it is!" "Pretty scary." "Yeah. Now I want all these videos in the truck." "Huh?" V exclaimed in surprise. "Yup. All of them. We'll make a fortune, you and I." V sighed in protest, but figured he'd have to do it. Nevrippa laughed--V looked so funny, sighing in protest with this huge transparent cube surrounding the upper part of his body. "Come on, silly." Nevrippa said enthusiastically. And they began loading all the videos into the truck. *OW* [[11019CO]] Catalog of Obliviana These days, when you buy a book, magazine, CD, or videotape, you get an artifact which acts as the medium for the information contained within. But as the Digital Superworld develops, more and more of the infostimulation you buy will be pure data--with no physical side, no artifact. In fact, OsoaWeek is such a formless thing--it's pure data. With this in mind, we here at Obliviana Super Occult Amusement feel that artifacts will begin to take on more meaning. And because of this, we have developed a system by which all of the Obliviana Artifacts we release have definite identity--with limited production, each item is numbered, stamped, and personally signed by its creator. The following list contains all the currently available Obliviana Artifacts. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 28 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 7 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[12019CN]] Contents BEGIN 01 019 CV--Cover 02 019 HR--Hemisinister Review 03 019 ZP--Zope 04 019 HT--Halfevil Times 05 019 LA--Lord of Obliviana 06 019 NH--Nihilistica 07 019 FE--Friction Enhancer 08 019 SU--Superior 09 019 DH--Dehumidifier 10 019 SR--Severe Repair 11 019 CO--Catalog of Obliviana 12 019 CN--Contents END *OW* [[END019OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |