|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 021--12/15/94 <-------  ||  OsoaWeek  ||  Issues  ||  Book 2  ||  -------> (Cup OWis021, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN021OW]] [[01021CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 2 1 * * * December 15, 1994 "The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!" by Frank Edward Nora INSIDE THIS ISSUE!              Frighteningly Obtuse Entertainment FOR YOU!                                 "Dumb and Dumber"--Dumb, but Good Metallic Sphere Blue                               An Invisible Wristwatch named "Ken"    Colonel Sanders--Back from the Grave?                           Multimedia Crap      A Lord Nora Resume                                   Egotistical Nitwits     Chris Elliot Embracing Courtney Love                         The Written Reprimand      Narrow-Minded, Hostile, Undergraduate Automatons            Peculiar Lather Gene the Albino Alligator                      Give it a shot! Come on, hit that download button! (Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim, digital ASCII copies of this copyrighted ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction require written permission from Frank Edward Nora.) OsoaWeek is published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement * copyright 1994 Frank Edward Nora * originating in New Jersey, USA * Contact: 1-800 OBLIVIANA/obliviana@aol.com/postal: Osoa P.O. Box 60 Iselin, NJ 08830-0060 Character count: 64687 / Line count: 1625 Catalog of Obliviana & The Table of Contents are at the very end of this file. *OW* [[02021HR]] Hemisinister Review ***MOVIES*** DUMB AND DUMBER An all-out, scatologically slapstick romp starring today's ultimate stooge, Jim Carrey, and a refreshingly dimwitted Jeff Daniels. Expect the most immature, most Beavis & Butthead sort of humor. It made me laugh a lot, even though there's not much to it, cinematically. For what it is, though, it's good. *OW* [[03021ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: ZOPE'S WRISTWATCH ZOPE What do you want? METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Just comin' around to pay a visit. ZOPE Get off it. You're the bad apple out of the Metallic Sphere trio, you f*ck. I know you're working for Ed Ape. METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Who told you that--Purple? Or, I know--it was that bastard Aquamarine! ZOPE I f*cking hate you! Die! ZOPE whips out a baseball bat and bashes METALLIC SPHERE BLUE. METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Hahaha! It'll take more than that to kill me! ZOPE holds his wrist up. ZOPE What do you see, Blue? METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Nothing... Oh, no... Don't tell me! ZOPE Give the Metallic Sphere a cigar! Yes, it's your old friend, Ken the Invisible Wristwatch! You know--the invisible wristwatch who has the power to mind control you! METALLIC SPHERE BLUE No! I'm sorry! Do not mind control me! ZOPE Shut up! I'm deciding what I can make you do. Hmmm. Aha! Ken, make this loser go to Ed Ape's World-O-Fun and destroy all 45 Ferris wheels! METALLIC SPHERE BLUE No! Noooooo! Ed Ape will kill me! Nooooo..... METALLIC SPHERE BLUE flies away. ZOPE Heh heh. Good job, Ken. How I got along in the past without an Invisible Wristwatch, I'll never know! *OW* [[04021HT]] Halfevil Times ***HALFEVIL TIMES PERCEPTIONS & PONDERINGS*** EVER WONDER... ...how Colonel Sanders has been miraculously resurrected from the grave? Does PepsiCo have some sort of advanced cloning technology they're not telling us about? ...why so many films have to involve gangsters to move the plot along? ...why they let such goofy-looking people become cops? EVER NOTICE... ...that you're checking all the wrapping paper you see this year for those queer 3-D patterns? ...that no restaurants ever make use of those little "Cola", "Diet", "Sprite", etc. buttons on soda cup lids--but you always wind up pressing them down for fun? ...how annoying it is when you say something totally inconsequential, and someone keeps saying "what?", and you have to keep repeating the stupid thing until you can't stand it any more? *OW* [[05021LA]] Lord of Obliviana Oh hello there. Glad you could make it. Here we stand--in the heart of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement--in here--this ezine--this pure ASCII text--pure content. But it's not the easiest place to be. Content is tough. But I am tougher. I can rip content out of the fabric of reality and splatter it all over the electronic realm, just so that folks like can get such awesome free entertainment. So what's it all about, huh? What is all this Obliviana stuff? You know? I mean, where's it all leading to? Could it be--MULTIMEDIA? Ay ay ay--I know what you're thinking--your Lord of Obliviana has invoked the most meaningless buzzword of the last decade of the Twentieth Century. And while this is true, I have a good reason Way back in 1987, over seven years ago, I established something called Nomadi Entertainment, which was the first major step toward the Obliviana of today. The interesting thing is, Nomadi WAS multimedia--it was conceived with seven divisions--Nomadi Central (central organization), Anything But Monday Productions (video), Cut'n'Shoot Records (music/audio), Halfevil Graphics (publications), Unreal Systems (games), Zone Supernature (occult), and Mystery Etcetera (novelties?). So as you can see, from the beginning of this endeavor, I've had this vision of producing product in a wide range of media. And indeed, in these past seven years, I have produced relatively much in all of these areas. But because of the size of my company, ie, just me and no sales, I've had a spot of difficulty in getting my work out to people. Well, computers and networks and CD-ROMs have changed all that, at least to some extent. And now I am embarked in a project which will put all of Obliviana into a single place--Obliviana World. Text, spoken work, music, video, games, graphics, interactivity, and all that. Just having all these elements doesn't mean much, though. It's that thing I referred to before--CONTENT--which can turn multimedia into something great. I think that the CD-ROM game "Myst" has helped multimedia climb out of the quagmire it has gotten itself entrenched in. Why is this? Because "Myst" has such incredible content! From 3-D modeling, to storytelling, from music composition to puzzle creation, the folks behind "Myst" have created a massive amount of quality content in a multimedia framework. So yes--the reason multimedia wallowed for so long is that almost all instances of it sucked. But that's changing now. As far as OsoaWeek goes, it will continue on. This ezine can be read on just about any computer in the world--it's just simple ASCII text. Obliviana World, on the other hand, in its first incarnation will be a Macintosh-only application which will be at least two or three megabytes and require at least four or five megabytes to run, as well as 8-bit color. Plus, there will be a number of "Datafriend" files, several megabytes each, which will add to the core program. So Obliviana World will only be usable by a relatively small number of people at first. (Hopefully, I'll find a way to make a Windows version--not enough people out there have Macs!) And people, don't worry--Obliviana World is NOT a "Myst" clone. It's funny--I downloaded a game "demo" off of America Online yesterday--it was purported to be a game inspired by "Myst". What it turned out to be was the feeblest attempt at making a game "just like Myst". It was sad. It was just a husk--barely any content. The "Myst" interface works only because the creators had the talent and vision and worked so hard on it. And while I like the idea of a 3-D world to explore, I think I'll wait until such technology is available that lets you move around in real time--as I said, "Myst" is a special case. No, my interface is based on a very mundane, but also very comfortable paradigm--cable TV with a remote control. Everything in Obliviana World is organized at the first level of hierarchy into "channels", 100 in all--00 to 99. Many channels will be static to start off with, though. But the idea is that there's this remote control always there on the screen, and you can move from one channel to any other channel by clicking two numbers on the remote. This makes navigation within Obliviana World very simple in an overall sense--there is no introductory or central menu area--just like TV, you start with the last channel you had on. There will be a directory channel (just like on cable TV), but this will just be an overall look at Obliviana World, which you don't have to pass through every time you enter the program. Okay, so I had to go to my old school, Drew University, to get a copy of the written reprimand I was scolded with way back in 1986. Check it out in this issue's Dehumidifier. It was weird going through the microfilm of the school newspaper, "The Acorn". My memories of being at Dew University for two years have gotten warmer and nicer over the years. I guess this is a positive component of memory--dumping the bad and retaining the good. At some level, I guess you could say that such a mechanic can cause a flawed viewpoint, but I don't know--maybe it's not the positive stuff that stands out in memory--but rather, the important stuff. And in this case, the important stuff was good. But it was funny at Drew the other day--they had a holiday display by the library, with no less than FOUR different lighted displays--Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, and one I couldn't figure out for the life of me. With this trend, what, are there gonna be like 50 or 60 different holiday displays needed to be politically-correct? What bullsh*t. I'm sorry, but Christmas is the original and the best. But now, back to the main topic... I often wonder what would have happened if Anything But Monday Magazine became a success in 1989. It certainly could have--it did have national distribution, and the way we were set up, we could have printed as many copies as were ordered. If there were more orders, we would have made a profit, and we would have continued. But the orders just weren't there. Not even 2000 per issue. So I was cast out of my fantasy of wealth and fame at a young age. Cast out, and doing something I would have considered totally banal--growing up. And indeed, here I am, five years later, and growed up some. Looking back, my total lack of understanding of business was a major factor in the failure of Anything But Monday Magazine. But at the time, I felt that understanding business was no big deal. If you take a look at those magazines we did, you can see that we had a good thing going. At times, I've postulated that it was a good thing that the magazine failed, because it freed me to focus on that which I really wanted to do. But now, I can't help but think it would have been wonderful if it had succeeded. Not being able to turn back the clock, and having to deal with the past, is a big part of being human. I was riding a wave back then, and since I fell off, I haven't picked up another one. But I do feel another one coming. And I think I'm in the right vicinity to pick it up. The Digital Superworld. The biggest wave ever. Stay tuned as I trudge forward, because the wave I catch will be a great wave for your enjoyment, as well. Oh well. Get All Obliviana! *OW* [[06021NH]] Nihilistica ***A LORD NORA RESUME*** Six months ago--a veritable eternity the way things are going these days--I signed onto an ambitious and weird BBS called "The Familiar Spirit". As part of the registration process, the sysop requires a quality resume of the individual. I wrote mine, and in retrospect, it may be a little too revealing, but what the heck--it's already out there, so I thought I'd present it to my entire audience. Man, it's strange how much I've changed in six months! TFS Resume: Frank Edward Nora June 7, 1994 My life so far has been unusually weird, but stable, and also quite satisfying. From an early age, I've had a restlessness and a feeling that this world is too limited and restricting. And all through my life, I've been attempting to escape what I saw as the prison of this world, often through occult and supernatural means. During the entire Summer of Love in 1967, when The Beatles released Sgt. Pepper and society was mutating at an alarming rate, I was comfortably gestating. I was born that October. And it seems that ever since I was very young there was something... different... about me. I have a tape of myself in 1969 referring emphatically to strange phrases such as "Cut and Shoot" and "Pipe and Cook". My parents had no idea what I was talking about, and struggled to come up with some explanation. A toy? A TV show? A Sesame Street character? They never found out, and I don't remember it. In 1983, when I was 15, I was very interested in astral travel, and must have bought over a dozen books on the subject. In retrospect, I gave a strong effort to leave my body, but it never quite worked. I would get to a state where it felt like my whole body was surging with electricity, and just about ready to let my astral self go, when inevitably a cat would jump onto my bed and start licking my face, or my mother would call me down to supper, or the garbage truck would come, and the whole thing would crash. The next year, I began to get more and more obsessed with "dimtrav" (dimensional travel), a power which would allow the user to physically move to any other plane of existence. The idea was that every conceivable would existed, a la the "multiple worlds" quantum theory. Man how I tried! I have long, semi-coherent tracts which today I can hardly follow, detailing all the potential methods for dimtrav. But alas, it didn't work. Or perhaps, as I once thought, I did succeed, but for some reason I erased my own memory of it happening. But when you start getting into that sort of thinking , there's nothing left to get a mental grasp on, and everything becomes moot. Later, my obsession became focused on the more reasonable subset of dimtrav, time travel. Similar to my theorizing on dimtrav, I spent a lot of time on various theories of time travel. And through projecting what one might do with such power, I began to get the idea that such a power out of control would not only ruin one's life, but would destroy their humanity as well. So I developed a set of time travel protocols, which, among other things, made travel to the future forbidden, and didn't allow the transport of people from the past to the present. As well, all forms of "bizarre experimentation" were outlawed. This covered making multiple copies of a person, altering events (such as killing Yoko Ono's parents and obtaining the alternate Beatles and Lennon records that would result), arranging sexual liaisons between historical figures (and videotaping the results), and the like. My reasoning was that if I had this set of protocols, the powers that be would be more likely to allow me to traverse time. But it never quite worked. However, all the theorizing I did was very enlightening on the whole subject. And even today, after a lot of maturing, and going from hating the world to loving it, I'd still like to travel through time, albeit in a reserved campaign. In 1985 I began my college career at Drew University, in Madison, NJ. It was at the New Moon in February 1986, however, where I became engulfed in a true occult experience. A friend of mine in art class told me that there was this girl who thought there were ghosts in Brothers Chapel. When we went there, I was overwhelmed with the evil energy that was there. The next few months were a veritable psychic war, and my GPA went from 3.2 to 2.3. Near as I can tell Drew University is the site of an energy vortex (as in Sedona, Arizona, etc.). It seems that Drew's founder, Daniel Drew, had intended it as a base for an international religious mission. He had some way to tap into the vortex, but by 1986 it was decrepit and unusable. But a group on campus was attempting to get it started again, for their own dark purposes. To make a long story short, my friend and I were able to derail their plan enough to prevent them from tapping into the vortex. But during those several months, things happened in the physical world which confirmed the occult happenings; event which taken as a whole could not have been by chance. It was my most intense occult experience, and something which I had to deal with for years after the initial victory. Maybe I'll detail it more for you in the future. But it was a violent, huge-energy, multi-force battle. Interestingly, at the same time I was fighting a supernatural war, I began a comedy radio show with another friend. Anything But Monday was somewhat Stern-inspired, but original enough to be something else. We were kicked off the air for our hijinks, but just started a magazine version of the show to keep it going. That Summer, on June 7, 1986 (exactly 8 years ago&#151;huh! Funny.) I began Halfevil Graphics, a small press comic book company. Later, I was to win the award for "Worst Small Press Publisher of the Year." Then in the Fall, my other friend and I continued Anything But Monday Magazine, as well as doing videos and our resurrected radio show. We got into a heap of trouble with some racial jokes in one of magazines, and almost got booted out of the school in a scandal which made a lot of papers, and at least one radio and one TV report. We won out, however, and continued on our demented way. In the next few years, my parents forced me to transfer to NYU Film School, I guess to get me away from all the mayhem. But we continued the magazine, and in late 1988, ABM was released nationwide to comic book shops. At the same time, I was doing an internship at MTV News, and somehow coerced them to do a story on the magazine, which they did. In 1989, 3 more issues of ABM were produced, but our inexperience and lack of wisdom eradicated our bank accounts and our patience for each other, and the entire enterprise imploded. The next few years, and even up to right now, found me working sometimes in the lucrative but unbearable Mac/Scitex Prepress field. All the while I was trying to get my own "core endeavor" off the ground. And in the years 1990 to now, I published around 18 experimental magazines, as well as various videos, tapes, objects, decks of cards, CD-ROMs, and the like. Right now I am unemployed but still working feverishly on my ideas. My core endeavor is currently known as "Obliviana" and is quite staggering, really, in its scope. I come to The Familiar Spirit on the recommendation of a friend and former co-worker. From the brief glimpse I've gotten from it, it seems like a good alternative to America Online, and likely a whole lot more. Anyway, I hope this gives you a general overview of who I am. P.S. I am a vegetarian and a conservative Republican. I was raised agnostic with a strong atheist slant, but am now something like a "non-denominational polytheist". ***MY USER DICTIONARY*** (from "Forge of Wander" #3, December 1992) I write in Microsoft Word 4.0 for the Mac, and its spellchecker allows the unrecognized words to be added to the user dictionary. After numerous passings over my documents, this user dictionary of mine has gotten pretty dubious... * My User Dictionary as of 11/23/92 * 3M * 14th * 22nd * 32nd * 40th * 50's * 50th * 55-Yunyusk * 60s * 412th * Aaaauuugh * ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ * Aconck * ACTRAISER * Adlai * afall * Agoopi * Agoopibooks * Agoopis * Agoopish * Agoopish-shaking * Alex * Alka-Seltzer * aLLEY * alotta * Amabala * Ambivale * anglecats * Anti-Obsequiousity * anti-perspirant * approachers * Arctica * Arnett * ARRIVETH * Arsenio * assh*le * asswiper * Atari * aul * autochthon * autopilot * autotracing * Avenir * Aziz * Badalamenti's * Balbi's * Balbicade * BALBITYPE * Balbitype * bareful * Barnum * Baskonontana * Baskonontanans * Bazy * Bazy's * Beatles * belgrade * Beublin * bio-frickin-chemistry * Bith * Bithopa * bitmap * bitmap-style * Blagh * Blamnoom * blamnoom * Blankablark * blankety-blank * Blankie * blaringly * Bleeeaaagh * blissleep * Bloakshew * Bodoni * Boltpike * boogeymen * Bookfaye * bookstand * Boolevathers * brack * Brando * Broome * Bullcrap * bullsh*t * bullsh*tter * buuuhhgh * C'mon * Callouts * candleflicker * Capcom * cardstock * Carson's * Carta * Caslon * causa * Caxopy * Caxopys * CBG * Cerquaine * chakras * CHAS * Chas * Chonesteeze * chronignorance * chrono-ignorance * citrusy * clangings * Cleveland's * Clezakrehahd * Clorox * CNN * Coabler * c*cksucker * Codexes * COMPLETIST * Completist * Cont'd * Continuumaide * could've * crappy * crawlspace * CTV * cuckow * Cudworth * cultish * Cuomo * cupslip * cupslipped * cupward * Cxoven * Cxoven's * Damnest * Daptin * Daptin's * Darkfreen * dave * DCRTHNBC * Dealowl * deconstruct * deedle * deflater * DeForest * Deific * deific * Delvibane * desktop * Devasta * dialings * dickheads * dires * Disney * Diswarnin * docnasc * Doctarca * doin * Dole'll * Dolthethmen * Dolthethmen's * DONEXT * donext * Donexts * donexts * doorwayish * Doris's * dork * Dreamfrank * Dunkin * dunno * eARTH * Earthbook * Ebsekkian * ectropic * effem * El * Elemorty * Elmer's * Emily'll * Emily's * endgame * Engineen * ENHANCER * Enhancer * Enhancers * entryway * Er * er * Essevent * Evan * everchanging * everthere * excerptions * excresions * falafels * Feb'91 * Felptash * Fenn * Fiestarkoon * Finnegans * Flacto * Flactor * flicker * Fluffy's * fontlist * Food'll * foodwise * Fortran-wall * FOW * Frankie * Frenchy * fricken * Frockweary * Frutiger * fu * F*CK * f*ck * f*cked * f*cked-up * F*ckin * f*ckin * f*cking * f*cks * fulla * Fulptiom * Funhouse * Fwhich * Galliard * gameplay * geeks * Geraldo * Gesessnar * Ghghgh * gier * gigabizarre * Gilligan * Gimme * gimme * giveth * Glay-Earfile * glede * gloop * glowings * glyphs * god-frickin * godbody * goddam * Goddammit * goddammit * goddesshood * godfolk * godmind * Godquips * godsake * goest * goin * goodbyed * googol * gotta * Goudy * Goudy's * Greatcicle * Greatwall * groundbreaking * GULLIA * Gullia * gullia * gulp'em * gung * Guuh * hahaed * Halfevil * Hanley's * Hapal * Hasnafter * Hasnafter's * hast * Haxelbong's * Heck * heck * Heh * Helvetica * Hemisinister * highwayside's * Hmm * hmm * Hmmm * ho * holstering * Honorcora * hots * How're * How've * hypothet * illogic * ImageWriter * indian * industrialo * Infoflfam * INT * integritied * interpositioning * irreal * Irreality * Iselin * ish * ITC * Ivana * Janine * Janine'll * Janine's * Jaron * Jeez * jello * Jerald * Jerald's * joe * JOEY * Joey * Joey's * Jovian * jumpsuit * Kajagoogoo * Kelley * Kesh * Kesh's * kill'im * kinda * kindap * Krishnas * Lanier's * Laura * lazuli * leliverse * leliverses * Leno * Letterman * Libro * lieth * light'll * light-headedness * LISTERINE * Listerine * Listermint * Litkey * Lllllllllllobby * LOBLOLLY * Loblolly * loblolly * lookin * loveth * Lucida * Lynch's * MacRecorder * magazining * Magna * Mallball * Mallball's * Mammonville * Mario * Marlon * Martinsville * Marv * Maury * Mayhap * meanderings * megabizarre * megs * Mello * Mem's * Metuchen * Metuchen's * Meyer's * Michael * mid-50's * mid-50s * mindwise * minitempest * Mondale * Monotype * Moonies * mortalmind * MTV * Muppet * must've * naive * Nanobook * nanohour * nauseum * NEGTRAV * negtrav * Neo-Pagans * nerdy * nerveshot * Netherf*ck * neverending * Newtext * NIHILISTICA * Nihilistica * nihilistica * ninja * Nintendo * Nocian * Nooooooooo * noplace * NORA * Nora * Novarese * Noyage * Numblem * O'Nontana * Obfuser * Obfuser's * OBLIVIAN * OBLIVIANA * Obliviana * Ocpadusk * oldstyle * Ooh * Oooh * Ooooowagh * Orangina * Oreos * orzo * ospray * othbeing * othbeing's * Othbeings * othbeings * othbodies * othplanes * othrealm * othrealms * othself * othselves * oughtta * outta * paranormal * Pauly * Payjaych * Pebbleswitch * Pebbleswitched * Pebbleswitching * Pepsi * Perrier * pertaineth * Pervellack * Pete's * Pibb * Piggy's * PILFERID * Pilferid * Pilferids * pinballing * Pinbot * pion * Pkotocks * plastique * playfield * Pluckemin * Plutomiana * PMS * PostScript * power'll * Powerssippian * Pssst * Ptolemy * Quik * RAE * raincheck * realityalter * realityaltering * realityish * realitysorcery * reconfigure * rED * refinding * restrooms * retelling * Rocken * Sawman * sawman * SBBB * sci-fi * scrieve * seeeeeeeeeeeeee * seest * SF2 * Shannon * Sharpton * Sherilyn * Sheryl * shiftinlogic * Sh*t * sh*t * sh*tty * sideuniverse * Sim * SIMMs * Simpsons * Skep * slaughterist * Slochlin * Slumbermark * Smooshing * SNES * snuggly * SOFTSOAP * Softsoap * somethin * something's * Somethings * sonnovabitch * spacey * Spam * spaz * Spoin * streetlight * streetlit * stringlike * styrofoam * submachinegun * submachinegun's * subuniverse * succulosity * SUNSPRAY * sunspray * SUPBAM * Supbam * supbam * Supbami * Supbamite * Supbammy * superfuzziness * superhero * superreal * superreality * suprafuzziness * suprayouth * surreality * sweatsuit * ta * Tariq * Tarzan * Tav * Tavmatey * Tavmatey's * teabags * tellya * Tetris * that'd * That'll * therC * there'd * there'll * there're * thingies * tinglement * Tis * TNN * train'll * trashable * trav * Treezle * Trookus * TRS-80 * try'n * turd * twas * Twix * Twould * Uh * uh * Uhn * Ultrawarlock * Ultrewarlock * Um * um * unmaintained * upper-lefthand * urbania * us'll * Utopis * uttertotal * Vastenlusty * VCR * VCR's * Velva * Ver * verifiably * VERODARE * verodare * VH-1 * videogame * VIDEOGAMES * videogames * viewportal * Vigoda * VJ's * voila * Walt * weaselish * weirdie * weirdy * Welllllllllllllllllllllll * Wha * whaaaaaaaa * whadda * WHAM * What'd * What're * whatta * Whattaya * Whawq * Whawque * Whellobenvoosh * Where'd * who'd * who're * whurring * why'd * Williams * Willy * willya * wimping * windowframe * Wonka * wouldest * Wuaagh * Xould * y'all * Y'know * y'know * ya * yardsman * Ye'll * Yea * Yello * yer * yipped * Yo * Yoo-Hoo * Yoo-hoo * Youch * youch * Yup * Z'anything * ZH * ZOPE * Zope * ZOPE's * ZOPE2 * ZOPE3 * aesthetic * ***THE UNPUBLISHED LETTER*** (This letter was received after "Forge of Wander" ended publication, but I thought I'd print it here, especially since it comments on the "My User Dictionary" feature above.) February 8, 1993 Halfevil Graphics c/o Frank Edward Nora Dear Frank Edward Nora: Here is my check for the next issue of Forge of Wander. Of course, I expect you to get a subscription to my publication, Off Track Mania. At only $10 for a six-month subscription, this weekly FAX publication will delight you and all of the readers of Obliviana. Now, a few words about FOW #3, which I have just finished reading. Actually, I didn't read it all, but I've had enough. While I was delighted by many of your features, I must take issue with a few sections. First of all, Zope is a cool cat who must not become an autobiographical reproduction of its author. Any comic strip character as cool as Zope can only be a LIBERAL, and is happy to have Bill Clinton in the White House. Also, in your "Ever wonder..." section, you say something about how Americans are idiots for voting for Bill Clinton. True, Americans are idiots, but only because they voted for George Bush. Then after they were out of their jobs, they took refuge in Clinton. While I admit the verdict is still out on Clinton, you have to admit this: 90% of the people intelligent enough to understand your publication are liberals, and that is simply because conservatives are by their nature simple-minded. You remain an exception, but give it a few years, and you'll be screwed by Republicans yourself. Regarding your user dictionary. Why does every hack think his user dictionary is so funny? I admit I got a chortle out of my own, but then I saw yours and I realized that we're all a bunch of egotistical nitwits. However, I did notice that Word 4.0 must be a piece of sh*t, since it includes both the lower case and all caps versions of F*CK in its dictionary. This not only wastes valuable disk space, but really annoys me. Look forward to the next issue. Love, Scott Carson ***STUFF I CAUGHT THE END OF ON TV RECENTLY*** (1) The Dallas/Cleveland Game--I flipped it on just as the last play was commencing--a play which would turn out to be one of the most infamous of the season! It took me a minute to figure out I was seeing it live, and not on tape. (2) Saturday Night Live (12/18/94)--I only saw the part where the whole gang is assembled to bid the audience farewell--and I got to see the shocking image of Chris Elliot embracing Courtney Love. (3) Car Wash--I never seem to see this whole movie--but how about this for synchronicity--I just saw "Gone With the Wind" for the first time last week, and I caught a reference to it in Car Wash--where the guys say it's "quittin' time". Huh. *OW* [[07021SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 133 Climb. It was you standing at the edge of the field, everything just so, all neat and pretty. Wonderful day, wonderful scents in the air. Standing at the edge, you gaze over your private domain in such satisfaction. Then you see me there, crouching down by a tree, by the edge of the field. Sorry. SUPERIOR 134 We have a lot. We laugh about whiskers. We're cool walking around the city at night. It was another time. Standback--how many feelings do you want to torture me with? Always something about a train station, about transit, about going somewhere. But where are you going? No matter where you go, aren't you always gonna be home that night? I know, I know. But you aren't a loser--this is just what it means to be human. SUPERIOR 135 The gamble: was not such a bad idea: it just failed miserably, yes. Makes me feel like a creep. When I think about it, not at other times. Overall, better than if I hadn't, I'd say--this sort of thing builds character. And as it's not the only such occurrence, it's easier to deal with. I want to experience life, and here it is. And all together it's pretty great. SUPERIOR 136 Reward. My flight imperial and business power. Keep on moving, getting somewhere, you my friend want to be somewhere else. You do have a choice. You do have significant control over your destiny. Remember--YOU are something apart from your body, apart from your mind, apart from your willpower or lack of it, apart from your emotions. Remember this. It will help. Today there are amazing opportunities--in 20 years you'll curse yourself for not hustling in the late '90s. *OW* [[08021DH]] Dehumidifier ***THE WRITTEN REPRIMAND*** AN OPEN LETTER TO THE DREW COMMUNITY TO: Michael Massotto and Frank Nora FROM: The University Judicial Committee November 6, 1986 The effect of "Anything But Monday", Episode #3, has been to insult members of various groups on campus--and all of us as well--and to promote insensitivity, prejudice, and bigotry. As a University community, we continually work for the tolerance and understanding of all groups and individuals, and we are understandably concerned by actions that undo these efforts. It is the finding of the Judicial Committee that your conduct in distributing this material on campus is in violation of Drew's Human Rights policy according to which "verbal or physical conduct which creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive working or educational environment for members of other races, ethnic or religious" groups is forbidden. The material in question is clearly offensive to members of our community and opposed to ideals which we uphold. Especially offensive are the comments on racial and religious groups which insult not only members of those groups but also any caring, sensitive, individual. Even a cursory review of this material reveals that it represents a position contrary to ideals of importance to the Drew University community: decency, fairness, equality and dignity of all persons, concern for human suffering and need. We have two equally important university policies that are in conflict in this issue: the longstanding academic tradition of free expression and Drew University's Human Rights policy. In finding an appropriate sanction we seek to uphold the Human Rights policy while allowing freedom of expression. The Committee has chosen from among many alternatives to give you a written reprimand by publishing this statement in the "Acorn". Our unanimous decision only to reprimand is based upon our expectation that the comments you made to the Committee about your intention to produce a "worthwhile publication" will result in material that is consistent with the values of the University. ***WORDS OF WIZDUMB 7*** (December 1987) Friends, children of all ages, it gives me great pleasure to welcome you to the most amazing and perhaps mystifying existential magazine in the whole world, Anything But Monday Magazine. And here we are, already on number seven, and, I'll be darned if it isn't the best one yet! You see, we feel that it is very important to maintain a level of excellence in all areas of our work, which isn't too difficult considering we're both geniuses. Oh, here's a fun tidbit. A crossword puzzle contest, with many prizes. The first person to hand an entirely and correctly completed puzzle (on the back page) to Mike Massotto will get the following prizes: (1) A Spider-Man comic book. (2) A magical indian Majuju stone. (3) A bizarre photographic negative. (4) Hard blue Play-Doh. (5) An exquisite tin. (6) a large, brown, perfectly symmetrical sheet of corrugated cardboard, and (7) $10.00 in cash. But I sincerely doubt that anybody will win. Now, as to the content of this magazine, NO COMPLAINING. The only people who get this are ones who WANT IT. Not that there's anything offensive herein, it's just that some people will attempt to bring a major lawsuit against us for something such as spelling 'a lot' as one word. We have no need to deal with such frivolities. We're artists. Oh, almost forgot. So go back to your pathetic little grovelling miserable existences, and let the holy words of Massotto and Nora soothe your ignorance and stupidity, even if it's just a little token of creativity in your otherwise banal environment. (Just thought I'd insult you a little.) Anyway, whatever, y'know? Sin Seer Lee, Frank Nora Mike Massotto ***WORDS OF WIZDUMB 8*** (February 1988) Dear Readers, Patriotic Americans, and Loyal Fans, Just what IS "Anything But Monday Comedy Magazine"? Frank and I often ask ourselves the same question. Naturally, of course, we draw a total blank. Once again, however, yet another brilliant, satirical, graphically and artistically perfect piece of moral, esoteric literature has somehow evolved into being (You must excuse our "drug induced" written tirades which cause our egos to balloon into enormity). Nonetheless, we here at Nomadi Entertainment do hope that you enjoy our newest, and we feel our best, "Anything But Monday" yet. It's bigger--expanded to 16 pages (and growing). It's broader--with new feature pages. And it's more beautiful--employing the splendid artistic talents of several new artists. "ABM" welcomes aboard Bob Debiak (cover art), Mike Cavallaro ("Ever Notice, Ever Wonder"), no relation to Cullen Cavallaro of "Nomads" fame, John Nora ("Our Side Gallery"), unfortunate brother of Frank Nora, Nomadi Co-Director, and Mike Lasso ("The 'Vanna' Illo"). We hope to expand on our writing staff as well, but for now we'll just have to settle for perfection in Frank and myself. Your contributions, however, may be important to the future of "Anything But Monday". In any case, read on and enjoy. Electric Cordially, Michael Massotto, Co-Director, Nomadi Entertainment ***WORDS OF WIZDUMB 9*** (April 1988) "Man, Words of Wizdumb--what can I say? What are you going to do--use everything I say? Aw, no way! Look..." Thank you Frank for getting us past that always noisome and odious first paragraph. Well, friends, Romans, and countrymen, once again another effervescent, verbose, and adjective-packed issue of "Anything But Monday Humor Magazine" is upon us. How'd it get here? Flyin' saucers... which are really...yeah, you got it... time machines. Either that or it was simply two months of back-breaking, laborious toil. Unit 9 represents yet another quantum physics leap forward in several preponderant areas: (1) It's expanded to 20 pp. with new features. (2) A 100 lb. stock, magazine-type cover. (3) Four pages of two-color process on gloss. (4) We bought a new thesaurus. BUT THIS IS THE LAST FREE ISSUE! So be sure to subscribe while "ABM" is cheap. (Details and card inside.) On a special, more solemn and sincere farewell note, Frank and I would like to take this opportunity to say thanks to all those who made our years at Drew University as an underground publication so especially pleasant. So, to all the deluded, semi-sentient, senile administrators we've had to deal with in the past, to all the narrow-minded, hostile, undergraduate automatons of the Drew Community (who don't read our magazine because it's "naughty"), and to all the repugnant, condescending bastards who have relentlessly repulsed "Anything But Monday" ever since its juvenile mistakes in ONE particular issue long ago--Frank and I extend a hearty... F*CK YOU! Now that that's taken care of, on a happier note, here's our staff of geniuses who make "ABM" possible: Publishers/Editors: Michael Massotto and Frank Nora. Cover Art: Bob Debiak. Interior Art: John Nora, Cullen Cavallaro, and Mike Cavallaro (no relation, so don't send any stupid mail concerning this). Photography: Yasutoshi Yamada. *OW* [[09021SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 21: "Peculiar Lather" Prince Ferrajalt jumped up out of his chair--he had it. "I got it!" he yelled. "I know how we can do it!" The others turned lazily toward him. They'd been mulling over ideas for hours, and were exhausted. "What?" Emily Tare asked crankily. "This better be good." Injure Bodoni said, turning from his instruments. "It is! It is!" Ferrajalt said. "Okay--you know that ocean liner there in Citydock--we could lower it down onto the frozen river, and tow it downstream toward the waterfall. Once it gets there, if it's going fast enough, and in the right direction, it'll fly over the lake and smash right into Office Complex of Gumhanshire!" Emily let out an annoyed sigh. "That, like that'd work." Bodoni said, turning back to his instruments. "Come on! It's perfect!" Ferrajalt said. "Just how are we going to 'tow' it, as you say? Do you have any idea the mass of that thing?" Bodoni said, looking back. "Well, I was thinking those giant police cars we saw on the way up here--you know Ledrant? Those. If they're functional, enough of those could pull the boat." Bodoni shook his head several times. "Well, it's the stupidest thing I ever heard of, but I may as well run it through my model." "Yeah, yeah." Ferrajalt said. "Give it a shot. Check it out--I'm pretty sure it's gonna work." "At least it's a concrete idea." Ledrant Hate said. "Concrete?" Emily said in disbelief, staring at Ferrajalt. "Concrete? How many police cars will we need--and how many people do we have to drive them? What happens to those people when the boat goes over the frozen waterfall? We all gonna sacrifice our lives for this crummy world?" "Just who do you think you are?" Ferrajalt snapped at Emily. "I'm a member--" He stopped himself--he knew that his being a prince wasn't germane in these circumstances. And he wished he hadn't said it. "Oh, yes." Emily said. "I forgot--you're royalty! Heavens, please forgive me your highness. You're just so far above all of us." "Look, just shut up!" Ferrajalt yelled. Hypergod Amnifaoz began laughing his horrible laugh. "The truth hurts." Emily said coolly. "Just wait a minute." Ledrant Hate yelled. Everyone was shocked--Hate was not one to lose his cool. He pointed his finger toward Emily. "You." he said. "I don't like you. You helped us out--you drove us up here--big deal. Now you just sit there with your sh*t-eating grin, criticizing and annoying all of us. You're no longer welcome here. Get out and don't come back." Emily smiled and sat up a little. "I knew I recognized you. From a long, long time ago. I met you once, in a previous incarnation. At Thatterine College." Hate frowned. "Who were you?" "Hmm... Such a long time has passed. Names, names. So hard to keep track of all of them. Now let me see..." Hate glanced at Dolthethmen, who was now staring at Emily with an insane glare. "Hypergod Amnifaoz." Hate said. "Yes, there?" the beast responded. Hate motioned his head toward Emily. "If I were to ask for your assistance, in removing this creature from the premises, would that be something you could help me with?" "Why, yes there." the Hypergod said. "Noaster Sitar." Emily said suddenly. Ledrant's eyes narrowed, then he began nodding. "Yeah." he said. "That would make sense. Do you remember what you wound up doing there?" Emily's smile broadened. "Oh yeah. Who could forget that?" Hate closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. "Get her out of here, Hypergod Amnifaoz--both versions of her." Dolthethmen began to look around nervously. "Um... uh... you mean, uh... me, too?" "Do it!" Hate boomed. Amnifaoz strode across the room and grabbed Dolthethmen by the back of his shirt. As he turned to Emily, she threw forward her hands and a shower of sparks fell all about her. With alarming suddenness, Amnifaoz grabbed Emily and tucked her under his arm. "Harf, harf! Silly minor occult entity, hedonist. You're out of here." the monster said. The sparks fizzled out, and Amnifaoz turned toward the door, but it was far too small to allow him to pass, let alone holding two people. So he turned toward Hate. "May I demolish walls/doors as needed to pass?" "Go ahead." Hate said. "Hey wait a minute, that's--" Bodoni began. "--oh shut up." Hate said. "What does it matter now?" With this, Amnifaoz emitted some sort of sonic burst with leveled half the wall in front of him, and strode through the debris. "But we could have used them!" Bodoni said. "To drive police cars and stuff!" "Screw that." Ferrajalt said. "I couldn't stand that bitch. And what she did--that's gross. Going back in time to have sex with herself. I mean, screw that. I want no part of it." "They're fully within their rights to excise that creep, you know." the little cat lady Ann Saply said. "I know, but c'mon! We could have used them!" the scientist said. "This situation is f*cked up enough, without someone like that." Hate said. "I just couldn't stand listening to that scumbag anymore! And when I found out she was Noaster Sitar--well, let's just say there were no options left." "THE Noaster Sitar--the one you told me about?" Ferrajalt asked. "The same." Hate said. "But isn't that--I don't know--a little too weird? I mean, a time traveller, yeah, but we're pretty far out into Aconck." the Prince said. "I know. I don't like it either." Hate said. "I'm starting to really hate all this supernatural sh*t." Ferrajalt said. "I remember a time when my life was enjoyable." Hate glanced at the prince. "I wish I could say that." * * * "Tanner, let's take a bath." These words brought the spark of vitality back to Tanner Loblolly. These words, spoken by the goddess he adored more than any goddess, more than any mortal. These sweet words, spoken by the love of his life, spoken by the wonderful Fluffy Netherf*ck. "Um--okay." That's all he could say? Here was his chance, finally. His chance to get close to Fluffy. So what if it was a whim of hers? Did it matter? A bath. Being naked. Together. That was all. Nothing else mattered. "Great! Gene here will help you get ready. See you in a flash!" With this, Fluffy skipped off down one of the hallways of her suite. Tanner looked at Gene--a diminutive albino alligator. The creature opened it's jaws and made a buzzing sound. It did this several more times, turned, and waddled up the stairs out of Fluffy's sunken living room and toward a room Tanner had never been in before. The reptile continued scuttling forward, stopped by the door, and then shoved it open with his snout. He turned and made more buzzing noises at Tanner. "Coming, coming!" Tanner said, striding toward Gene. The alligator disappeared inside the darkened room, and Tanner followed. "Uh--hello?" Tanner said into the darkness. After a moment or two, stark lights came on, and Tanner saw Gene with his paw on a switch on the ground. It was a large room with what appeared to be a small swimming pool, with steam rising from it. The beast stared at him. "Wow! That's a pretty big bathtub!" The alligator buzzed at Tanner several times, and then shook his head from side to side. "Huh?" Gene turned away from Tanner and faced the wall for a moment. "Are you a god, Gene? I never heard of you. I assume you're sentient. Or... maybe you're not?" Gene then waddled quickly past Tanner without looking at him, and disappeared out the door. "Hmm." Tanner muttered, as he sat down on a bench, taking his sneakers off. "I guess this must be it." Just as Tanner was pulling his socks off, Gene scuttled back into the room with what appeared to be a large rubber ball clenched in his jaw. It was brightly colored and patterned. Tanner considered asking Gene if he wanted to play, but something held him back. He was glad he kept his mouth shut. Gene then appeared to be chewing on the ball, all the time staring a pleading stare at Tanner. And all of a sudden, a crude computerized voice emanated from the ball. "Tanner, I am not a god but I am sentient. I am a mortal. Once human, I suffered a terrible accident several decades ago which left me in my current state." "Oh, I see. Sorry about, uh..." Tanner said in some amazement. Gene chewed on the ball some more. "No need to apologize, Tanner. Now this is not Fluffy's bathtub--it is a bath-preparation room. You are to undress and get acclimated to the water. Sweet-smelling oils will aid in your relaxation." "Um--okay, Gene." Tanner said, looking around for any sign of sweet-smelling oils. Several teapot-like object by the side of the pool seemed to be the only containers in the room. Gene continued chewing. "I will leave you now. The way to Fluffy's bathtub will be apparent when the time comes. Have a good time." Then the alligator spat the ball out and started rolling it out of the room with his snout. "Wait a second!" Gene paused and looked back at Tanner. "I have a couple of questions, if you don't mind. I know that ball look awfully uncomfortable, but..." Gene grabbed the ball in his jaws one again and chewed on it a little. "It is a little uncomfortable, but I am happy to have it. Now what is your questions?" "Um, okay. Like basically, what kind of accident was it? I mean, as a mortal myself, I'd kinda like to know what I should be avoiding, y'know?" Gene chewed. "Misuse of a mortal artifact and of its properties. I knew I was taking a big risk. It's nothing you could do by accident. So it wasn't really an accident in the traditional sense--it was a gamble I lost." "I see." Tanner said, seeing Gene's obvious discomfort with the ball. "Um--just one more question--off the record, you know--but I was just wondering if you knew--um, have the Avert Cities been here for all time, or only for a couple of hundred years? I have some suspicions." Gene was motionless for a few seconds, then chewed. "It's 450 years, to be exact. But please don't tell anyone I told you. I've been through enough already." With this, Gene spat the ball out again and began rolling it out the door. "Wait! Gene! I have so much more to..." Gene let out a lugubrious buzz and left Tanner alone. Tanner shook his head and looked around. A wonderful tidbit of info, if there ever was one. 450 years. Not all eternity. Unless, of course, the beginning of time was 450 years ago. Nah! Yes, something to mull over, to feed his suspicions. As Tanner undressed he thought about the conversation he was having with Fluffy before her delightful proposal. He was telling her how he felt he was losing his affinity for Agoopish, how it had been getting harder and harder for him to bring himself to travel to Agoopish every time he went back to Earth. Fluffy listened, but seemed to be distant. (She is Goddess of Distance, after all). She told him such feelings were common among a small portion of novice mortals, and that going back to Earth so often didn't help matters any. Ah, whatever. Who cares. Soon, Tanner would be taking a bath with Fluffy--being naked with Fluffy--doing things with Fluffy. He just knew it. When he was fully undressed, Tanner debated whether or not to take off his digital watch--it was waterproof after all--but he felt he'd look dorky with it on. So he took it off and tossed it on top of his pile of clothes. He looked down at his erection, which he couldn't help--the idea of having sex with Fluffy was just too exciting. She would understand, he hoped. Wading into the hot pool, Tanner felt a surge of energy--some sort of special water, he figured. And the water was hot--but not uncomfortably so. He meandered over to the teapot-like objects, picked one up, and smelled it. It had a lovely floral/spicy scent. He poured a little onto the palm of his hand, and smelled it again. Pretty good. He rubbed the oil into his chest and picked up another container. It had a different, but equally pleasing scent. He poured some into his hand and rubbed it up and down his arms. And he felt comfortable. Comfortable and good. He leaned against the side of the pool and closed his eyes. Yes, so peaceful. He let himself drift--he was reaching a different state of consciousness--mellow. Yeah, mellow. He let himself go, let go of his problems. His unrequited love for Fluffy, his faltering mortalhood, his disastrous life back on Earth. It felt good to let go. It felt good that nothing mattered. Then suddenly he heard an enormous clang and it felt like the whole room shook. He opened his eyes and caught something unbelievable in his peripheral vision. Quickly turning his head, Tanner saw a very unconventional sight--at the other side of the pool, the water took a 90 degree turn upward--like a wall of water. And as he looked and followed the water up, he saw that it was part of a much larger pool, in a much larger room. And at the other end of the enormous pool, way, way up from Tanner's perspective, was Fluffy, arms outstretch at the edge of the tub, hair up in a bun, water lapping lazily against her perfect breasts. "Hey there buddy!" she said. Tanner's neck was craned all the way up at this point. He repositioned himself so that he was floating on his back--giving him a comfortable view of the 90 degree room and Fluffy. And he was happy to see that his hard-on had subsided--was that the purpose of the oils? He didn't want to think so. "Hi." "Why don't ya come on, swim right over here?" "Um--okay. Can I just, um, is it easy to cross over?" "Oh, it's nothing. Just a gravity intersection. You might be dizzy for a second or two, but it's nothing." "Okay." Tanner said, as he straightened himself, and waded toward the point where the water turned upward to form what looked from his perspective indeed to be a wall. He reach his hand out, and into the water of the wall. Instantly, he felt the tug of gravity on his hand. "Cool." he said, and then he lunged forward into the wall. Disoriented for a moment, Tanner quickly shot back to the surface to find that he was now in the same gravity as Fluffy, and the room he was now appeared to be a wall--he could see his pile of clothes way up there. Then he turned to Fluffy and rubbed the water out of his eyes. "So THIS is your bathtub." Fluffy smiled. "Like it?" Tanner looked up and around. He now saw a huge, arching, glass-covered roof, a forest of gigantic tress extending way up into the sky. "Yeah! This is definitely the coolest bathtub I've ever seen!" "Thanks. Now come on over here, lover--we have a bath to take!" Tanner said nothing, but dove forward and began swimming as fast as he could toward Fluffy. Yes, the wonderful hot water was giving him energy, he could feel it. He felt strong, robust. Soon he got near Fluffy and started to tread water--the tub was pretty deep at this point. "Come on." Fluffy said, and Tanner cursed himself as he stared dumbly at the goddess' breasts. So he moved forward to the edge of the pool right next to Fluffy. She turned, and her unbelievable eyes locked onto Tanners spirit and soul. He felt love more intense than he had ever felt before. "Before we get started, I have a confession to make, Tanner. And please don't judge me for it, it's just the way I am. I value honesty. Ever since Spanking New Sarah had that fling with your friend Daptin Gone, it's become--oh, I don't know--the "in" thing to develop a relationship with one of your den of mortals. And I'd be lying if I said this had nothing to do with my decision to come on to you. But I want you to know, it's not the only reason. I've liked you from the start, but there are a number of things a goddess has to consider before getting into a love. You do understand, don't you?" "Uh, yeah." Tanner said, shaking his head in agreement. "I can see that. I can see you position." His heart was racing and his head was spinning. Those eyes... "And a big thing is, I have to consider your feelings. I mean, just by definition, a bonding between a mortal and a goddess couldn't last forever. I mean, I'm never going to die and you are." Fluffy said, then she turned away, revealing her precious profile. "And as these things go, mortal/god affairs never really last that long. A few years at best, maybe a decade or two--but it never works out. It just can't." She turned back to Tanner. "I know I have you at something of a disadvantage. I can feel your lust and love, and I just want you to know that I probably will wind up hurting you. Can you accept that?" "I have no problem with that." Fluffy began to move toward him. "Good. Now, you must relax. Here." She reached out and grabbed his head, bringing his lips to hers. In that deep, passionate kiss, Tanner felt a release of sexual energy, similar to orgasm but much more esoteric, and much more powerful. For a moment, he didn't know where he was, nor did he care. But in the middle of that timeless place Tanner was in, he felt Fluffy's lips pull away from his, and he was brought back to the current time and place. "That was so we can spend some quality time together warming up. You were just too bunched up inside." "Uhhh." was all Tanner could moan. "Now!" Fluffy said brightly. "I know you've been to Nashin-Yogo's a few times, but here's something you'd never see there--an artifact possessed by but a few lucky divines." Tanner had a spaced-out stare as he saw Fluffy hold up a bar of black and pink striped soap. "Yes, Tanner. This is the soap that produces Peculiar Lather." "Cool." "Oh, it's cool all right." Fluffy said, dipping the soap into the water and staring to rub in between her hands. "It's the f*cking living end!" Tanners eyes widened as he saw bands of pink lather shoot out from the soap in Fluffy's hand to the edge of the tub. "Uh." Tanner managed. She dipped the soap into the water again and worked up more of a lather. A stream of lather shot across the room and attached itself to the wall, tight along it's entire length. And in the next instant, half a dozen more extensions shot out in various directions. "Um." Tanner said, a little scared. Then Fluffy extended her hand toward Tanner, offering him the soap. "Here, take it. Work up a good lather! Both our identities need to be imprinted upon it." He careful took the soap and began rotating it between his hands. It felt as if it were undulating and alive, though it looked like an ordinary bar of soap. He dipped it into the water a little to get it wet, and worked it into a great deal of lather. Suddenly, the jets of lather began to spring forth from Tanner's hands, and attach both to the walls and glass ceiling and to other extensions, as well. "Isn't it great?" Fluffy said gaily, clapping her hands together and smiling a little girl smile of thrill. "Yeah! It's amazing!" "Okay--come here--now we both have to make lather--then it should be self-sufficient." Tanner moved up to Fluffy, and she clasped hands with him, and they worked the soap together, a massive volume of lather generating between them, shooting several lather-webs all over every second. He felt Fluffy's naked leg brush against his, and Tanner's breath got heavier. "Not yet, lover." Fluffy said, smiling. "We're going to do it in such splendor Spanking New Sarah couldn't even dream of!" Tanner smiled. The lather effect was increasing--the entire huge room was now full of strands of lather, and the web was increasing in complexity with each passing moment. "There!" Fluffy said, gently taking the soap from Tanner and placing it down at the edge of the tub. "It's up and running." Tanner looked around in wonder, and was then taken by surprise as a mass of lather wrapped itself around his midsection and lifted him up into the air, near the glass ceiling. Fluffy was right next to him, similarly suspended. It was exceedingly comfortable and gentle, the stuff. "It should respond to our thoughts now, forming into whatever we want, providing us the most gorgeous circumstances for our love-making!" "Great!" Tanner said, knowing that some other adjective would have more aptly described the situation, but being unable to come up with one. "Now..." Fluffy said, as she floated upward to the ceiling, undoing a latch. "Let's take this outside." She opened a glass panel and disappeared through it, leaving a trail of lather. Tanner willed himself upward, and he, too rose through the glass roof and out into the forest. He looked around in wonder as the lather was forming itself into an expansive terrain in the treetops. He spied Fluffy in the distance, and will himself toward her. At a shocking speed, Tanner was beside Fluffy. He looked around. "What is this place?" "It's the forest that exists outside the roof of my bathroom." "I never saw any place like this in Agoopish!" "It's not necessarily in Agoopish." Fluffy said. "It's just the place outside my glass ceiling." "Huh." "But don't let your mortal curiosity ruin the moment. Let us rise, far above the forest canopy, and create a universe of lather, and a universe of energy, in which we can make love for months on end!" Tanner raised his eyebrows. "Sounds good to me." "Then let us exhilarate!" Fluffy yelled, as she shot upward in a gush of lather. Tanner looked down at the roof and at the forest below, then up at Fluffy far above him. "F*ck my life." he said, blasting upward toward unparalleled ecstasy. The rest of their liaison is, indeed, hard to put into words--so I won't even try! *OW* [[10021CO]] Catalog of Obliviana These days, when you buy a book, magazine, CD, or videotape, you get an artifact which acts as the medium for the information contained within. But as the Digital Superworld develops, more and more of the infostimulation you buy will be pure data--with no physical side, no artifact. In fact, OsoaWeek is such a formless thing--it's pure data. With this in mind, we here at Obliviana Super Occult Amusement feel that artifacts will begin to take on more meaning. And because of this, we have developed a system by which all of the Obliviana Artifacts we release have definite identity--with limited production, each item is numbered, stamped, and personally signed by its creator. The following list contains all the currently available Obliviana Artifacts. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 28 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 7 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[11021CN]] Contents BEGIN 01 021 CV--Cover 02 021 HR--Hemisinister Review 03 021 ZP--Zope 04 021 HT--Halfevil Times 05 021 LA--Lord of Obliviana 06 021 NH--Nihilistica 07 021 SU--Superior 08 021 DH--Dehumidifier 09 021 SR--Severe Repair 10 021 CO--Catalog of Obliviana 11 021 CN--Contents END *OW* [[END021OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----