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|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 023--12/29/94 <------- || OsoaWeek || Issues || Book 2 || -------> (Cup OWis023, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN023OW]] [[01023CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 2 3 * * * December 29, 1994 "The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!" by Frank Edward Nora INSIDE THIS ISSUE! 1994 didn't totally suck--it saw the birth of OsoaWeek! CD Reviews--Deep Purple, Beck, Duran Duran, and more! One of those new designer diseases from Manitoba Bessemer Converters Miniature Rhinoceri Found in Sewer Evil Midget Scare The Girl in the Bathtub The Undergarment of a Female Vampire Spilling Espresso on a Beta Video Tape and Omniscience The Mopey Avahl Mortin There's People in the Woods, For Godsake! Daptin's Land Tavmatey Got Through End '94 right--download this baby! (Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim, digital ASCII copies of this copyrighted ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction require written permission from Frank Edward Nora.) OsoaWeek is published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement * copyright 1994 Frank Edward Nora * originating in New Jersey, USA * Contact: 1-800 OBLIVIANA/obliviana@aol.com/postal: Osoa P.O. Box 60 Iselin, NJ 08830-0060 Character count: 57524 / Line count: 1777 Catalog of Obliviana & The Table of Contents are at the very end of this file. *OW* [[02023HR]] Hemisinister Review My last review of "good CD's" was way back in OsoaWeek007, September 8, 1994. At the time, I had a list of 16 CD's which were excellent and which you could go out and buy and know they'd be good. At that point, I only presented the first eight--so here are the rest! ***GOOD CD'S*** DONALD FAGAN--KAMAKIRIAD (1993) Half of Steely Dan, Fagan's second solo album--over a decade after his first. An excellent sci-fi theme album--even though one song, "Snowbound" was trashed by Beavis & Butthead. By the way, the other half of Steely Dan, Walter Becker, has his own quite awesome solo album, "11 Tracks of Whack" which I'll review in the near future. DEEP PURPLE--MADE IN JAPAN (1973) A classic live rock album, including epic versions of "Highway Star", "Smoke on the Water", and "Space Truckin'". Get into it! BECK--MELLOW GOLD (1994) This guy has kind of disappeared, but this, his big major label CD, has a bunch of excellent tunes. I just hope Beck doesn't turn out to be another one of these losers who can't handle success. THE BREEDERS--LAST SPLASH (1993) This is the CD that propelled Kim Deal and her Breeders into superstardom, as it contains the ubiquitous "Cannonball". Lots of other good stuff on here too. Deal started this band on the side while she was still in The Pixies. Now she's blasted far past fellow former-Pixie Frank Black. The Breeders' debut CD, "Pod", and their EP "Safari" are also well worth getting. KITARO--KOJIKI (1990) A Japanese New Age superstar guy, a lot of Kitaro's music is too mellow for my liking, but Kojiki has a lot more energy and texture than his usual stuff, and is an excellent change of pace from the usual sort of music these days. I actually saw him perform this at Radio City Music Hall once--weird. THE GLENN MILLER ORCHESTRA--IN THE DIGITAL MOOD (1983) Glenn Miller had more #1 hits than any other musical act ever--or so they say in the liner notes. Many of his hits are still quite exhilarating today, such as "String of Pearls", "The American Patrol", and of course, the powerhouse "In The Mood". This recording was done with CD in mind, as is an excellent addition to your collection. DURAN DURAN--DECADE (1989) Duran Duran used to be my favorite band back in the mid-80s--I used to find all sorts of hidden meaning and messages in their music. This great collection brings together their major hits--a majority from their essential works--the first three albums. Don't dismiss this band--give them a chance--especially since their most recent album got them out of their terrible slump. ROBERT PLANT--FATE OF NATIONS (1993) Though the liner notes are inexplicably an environmentalist whining session, this CD is quite pleasing to listen to. Plant has created an excellent body of work in his solo career--nothing as powerful of Led Zeppelin, but a nice, low key sort of milieu. Good background music to computer to. *OW* [[03023ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: ZOPE'S NEW DISEASE ZOPE Please, give me another Fresca, I must watch the entire run of "Those Amazing Animals" again for the 84th time. WEASEL I don't know Zope--don't you think that you better break out of this rut of watching "Those Amazing Animals" and drinking Fresca? ZOPE Hahaha! Look at that! Priscilla Presley. Her daughter married Michael Jackson! Hahaha! She's Michael Jackson's mother-in-law! Hahaha! She was in that movie with O.J. Simpson. Hahaha! WEASEL Now Zope, how long can you continue this madness? Please try and turn that darn show off! ZOPE I love the f*ckin orangs. Whenever they have the f*cking orangs on it's party time. That guy beats the sh*t out of them backstage I heard. WEASEL Zope, I'm gonna call Metallic Sphere Blue--he'll know what to do! ZOPE (fondling a pistol) Get me that Fresca first, pal, or else. WEASEL Uh... o-okay Z-Zope... Later... METALLIC SPHERE BLUE Ah yes, very common, this "Those Amazing Animals/Fresca" disease. One of those new designer diseases from Manitoba. It should run itself out in a few months. No worry! WEASEL No worry? You mean Zope will keep doing this for MONTHS and you say no worry? ZOPE Hahaha! I love those commercials from the '80s on the tape! Hahaha! Look at the way they dressed back then! Hahaha! Those were the days. WEASEL Zope--do you understand what you're doing? ZOPE Shut the f*ck up! The miniature llamas are almost on! *OW* [[04023HT]] Halfevil Times "Sooper News" was a feature which appeared in issues 2, 4, 5, and 7 of the original "Anything But Monday" series. I've resurrected it anew in Halfevil Times, two times so far, in OsoaWeek010 and OsoaWeek011. This time, however, I'm presenting to you the entire original run of "Sooper News". The feature originally had a picture above each story, but of course, here in the world of ASCII, I can't show you them. (You'll just have to wait for Obliviana CD-ROM!) ***HALFEVIL TIMES SOOPER NEWS*** (from ABM vol. 1, no. 2, Sept. 1986) SOOPER NEWS Frank Nora Reporting. LOST PICTURE FOUND The lost picture has finally been found. It was discovered under the back seat of the car. When asked for comment, the guy who found it said "Well, the search is over at last." The picture is shown above. DE ZOOM WINS AGAIN Doctor Hans De Zoom has once again won the race. He is pictured above with his "Waaldkar." Onlookers said that he was "the fastest darned thing in the world." The Doctor is even now preparing for the next race. BESSEMER CONVERTERS ARE ALL THE RAGE What sort of a fashionable young woman would be seen today without her Bessemer Converter? The fact of the matter is that the Converter craze is in high gear and shows little sign of stopping. The Sandstone Miners Guild is euphoric over the whole matter. Their sales have gone up 300%! TAR PIT RESTRICTIONS ON THE INCREASE The Board of Safety announced yesterday that "all swimming, fishing, skating, and boating in the tar pits is now prohibited." Sportsmen will now have to seek alternative pastimes. MONSTERS ATTACK VILLAGE Residents were shocked yesterday when monsters attacked their village. The huge beasts smashed up many cars and breathed fire on Mrs. Carter's house. The creatures then departed and began heading south. ROBARDS INVENTS WONDER DRUG Professional genius Jason Robards has really outdone himself this time. According to reliable sources, he has "created a Wonder Drug which will cure all diseases." Robards was unavailable for comment. (from ABM vol. 1, no. 4, Nov. 1986) SOOPER NEWS Frank Nora Reporting. MINIATURE RHINOCERI FOUND IN SEWER Thousands of insect-sized rhinoceri were yesterday found in the city's municipal sewage system. Dr. Karl Innes is not sure where they came from, but hobos say they are "a tasty treat." THE STRONGMAN GETS A PSYCHIC IMAGE Will wonders never cease, The Strongman got a psychic image of a "steam engine made of crystal roaring through the cosmic vacuum." He claims he was "not on drugs." MR. OPPRESSION ANDY CLANDESTINE DIES Our "beloved" poet laureate Andy Clandestine died under "strange" circumstances last Wednesday. He was seen being kidnapped by a gang of green-haired kids and taken into an abandoned warehouse. He was found mutilated in Bob's Bakery several hours later. Police were "bewildered" by this "terrible" loss. FELIX THE CAT ELECTED GOVERNER After a neck-in-neck battle with Mussolini Jr., Felix the Cat won the election and is now governer of the South Level Area. NEW USES FOR COMPUTERS THOUGHT UP Experts at Kooky Kollege have determined four new uses for computers after months of intensive research. The uses are: Aircraft Design, Petroleum-Cracking Calculations, Payroll Makeup, and Missile Control. CHURCH FLIES The Church of St. Monitor the Divine was sighted flying over the countryside by various people over the past week. When asked, Rev. Axelrod said "Sometimes when I sleep, I feel that the Church might be flying, but that's just plain stupid. These people must be insane." The Reverend was wearing flight goggles and a scarf. (from ABM vol. 1, no. 5, Feb. 1987) SOOPER NEWS Frank Nora Reporting. EVIL MIDGET SCARE Evil midget Bobby Larouche has been terrorizing the residents of Plasticville by driving around real fast in his pickup truck. The diminutive rascal was captured by a local vigilante group, but escaped after splashing lye into the eyes of one of his captors. STAR OF INDIA FINALLY CAUGHT RED HANDED The Star of India Show was cancelled yesterday after the famous sapphire was found to be linked to a drug smuggling scandal at Southport Alley. A spokesman for The Intelligent Rocks and Gems Council accused Rocky the Squirrel of political corruption and prejudice. The Star was unavailable for comment. THE GIRL IN THE BATHTUB Vivian MacElroy went to her doctor, Karl Innes, complaining of minor stomach pains when her life was turned upside down. Dr. Innes told her she had a rare disease and that she would die if she didn't sit naked in a bathtub in his waiting room. Fearing her life, she complied and remained until her husband came looking for her. Dr. Innes is now in critical but stable condition. APE MYSTERY Magilla Gorilla saw "some sort of strange electricity" outside his hotel room in The Land of the Lost Inn. MODERN MONETARY MIRACLE Everybody likes to play checkers these days, so the Mint today released the first "checker-penny", equipped with game board and microcomputer, now you can play checkers with any new penny. Plans are now underway for the "Monopoly-Quarter". GOOGOL ALERTS OFFICIALS Baby Googol, the intellectual leader of "Braintown", today announced that all vacuum cleaners must be carefully disassembled and checked for "any small reptiles." Government officials are considering the proposal. (from ABM vol. 1, no. 7, Dec. 1987) SOOPER NEWS Frank Nora Reporting. POPE BRAD III LISTS DEMANDS The Pope today presented a long list of demands to several bewildered schoolchildren, threatening eternal damnation if the demands were not met. Among the list were "the repainting of all Dunkin' Donuts, an invisible Mercedes-Benz, $50,000 in nickels and dimes, and the undergarment of a female vampire." Authorities have no comment at this time. CULT RITUALS REVEALED Out in the woods there's a bunch of religious wacko's who worship a fellow named Moshose Illorknorsianor, in fact, they'll do anything for the guy! For example, before anybody can become a member, they have to go through an initiation rite which consists of being dipped in melted wax and being forced to watch a tropical fish tank while worshippers play Mother Goose music on their flutes. "He's the ultimate human." quipped one spaced-out youngster. "He's like God." THE BEST OF FRIENDS Over at the Seminola Mall in Krakatoa Bay, Western Division, two animal enemies were seen in loving peacefulness, but say viewers at Luigi's Pet Factory, it didn't last for long. "We were looking at the cat and the hound," says Martha Crock, "and they seemed nice as could be, but somebody told me that there was a whole mess of wires holding them still. Anyways, I went over to check, and that damn cat sliced my head clean off!" A surprised Mrs. Crock was taken to the hospital and is now in stable condition. Luigi was not available for comment. THIS NOSE JOB IS FOR THE DOGS Supersonic daredevil and master sorcerer Alan Alda yesterday announced his decision to get a nose job. But the most shocking part was the nose he chose! "I feel I want something different," Alda quips, "so I've decided to get a nose just like Snoopy's. You know, that dog from Charlie Brown." The Sooper News art department has prepared a composite picture of what Alda might look like. Change your mind yet, Alan? TWINS INVENT REMOTE CONTROL TREE Passers-by on Third Street are in for quite a shock as they see an enormous elm tree running around the front yard of the Bradley twins, Jeff and Craig. "It started out as a science project for school," says whiz kid Craig, "but now it's way more than that." With a simple control console, the boys are able to make the tree run backwards and forwards, dig in, dig out, jump, and even do backflips. Spritely Jeff comments, "My parents were pretty surprised when it accidentally smashed Dad's new car." The twins are now working on a remote control shrub. THE LEGS HAVE IT "The average person's legs could lift a five ton bulldozer," says scientist and elevator operator Gregorio Gregorio, "it's just a matter of leverage." "Mr. Gregorio's theory is pure poppycock." responds Florm Axendorf, a professor at Kooky Kollege. Well, we're not sure, but we don't think the shapely legs of Anita Bunny, shown above, will be lifting any construction equipment in the near future. *OW* [[05023LA]] Lord of Obliviana 2:19 am, December 28, 1994. I've just completed the previous issue, OsoaWeek022. Six days late. I'm slipping man, I tellya, I'm slipping. This issue is due tomorrow! Can I do it? I don't know! I hope so! Jeez, do I sound troubled, or what? I mean, yeah--022 was almost a week late, but it's a very good issue! All that ABM stuff, and the awesome Severe Repair chapter, "Giant Police Car". I mean, come on. This is quality stuff. But still, this constant slippage is no good--no good at all. The solution is to complete this issue in less than two days. But I said that last time, didn't I? But it was Christmas and stuff, y'know? Later now. Y'know, I've been thinking about 1995, now less than four days away. I think this is going to be a big year for Obliviana. By the end of '95 there will be 75 or so issues of OsoaWeek (if I can keep it up, that is). That's a lot of content. But in these past 22 issues, I have learned that even though content IS the most important thing to have in the Digital Superworld, it is ultimately nothing without execution and manifestation. What I have done, for example, is format OsoaWeek as ASCII text and uploaded each issue to America Online and The Familiar Spirit. This is a very sparse level of execution, however, as seen by the small number of readers and even smaller number of people sending e-mail (like, almost none). One of my big Digital Superworld ideas has been that with content alone, a company can make licensing deals with other companies and make money that way. But there are problems with this idea. First of all, an piece of intellectual property which is unfamiliar has much less value than one which has become known in one medium or another. The idea with Obliviana is that material identified with the Obliviana logo will be associated with other stuff from Obliviana a person has experienced. But this process has to start somewhere. And when you come right down to it, it's up to me, Lord of Obliviana, to make Obliviana familiar. And this is what I plan on doing in 1995--making Obliviana familiar. In fact you, dear reader, may well be one of those who became interested in Obliviana sometime in 1995, and now you're reading through back issues of OsoaWeek. Welcome aboard, I say! Welcome to the wonderful universe of Obliviana! Y'know! Yeah. Entertainment. That's where it's at. Well whattaya know. It's 1:55 pm Thursday, and I'm at over 40K--looks like I just might get this sucker done on time! Quite a pleasant surprise. Huh. Is this where I've gotten to? Where me applying willpower and getting something done is a surprise? Yeah, I guess that is where I've gotten to. Oh well. Friday. Well, I didn't get it done on time, but maybe, just maybe tonight... So I did something today which I doubt has occurred too much in human history, and certainly not lately--I accidentally spilled espresso on a beta video tape. I wonder how many times that's happened in the history of the world, and when the last spill was. Gee--where's omniscience when you need it? Okay, so it's New Year's Day, so what? I'll have this baby done in under an hour at this point, so don't you worry. I have the situation under control. Get All Obliviana! *OW* [[06023NH]] Nihilistica ***THE F WORD AND OSOAWEEK*** F*ck. Just a word, but oh so much more. As you can see, I've been "censoring" this word in the pages of OsoaWeek, mainly so that people doing blanket searches for dirty words in files won't find any in OsoaWeek. Also, no matter how similar it is, the four character F*CK are NOT the same as the way it's really spelled, which of course I won't show you. So anyway, I was wondering how many times I've used this word in each issue of OsoaWeek--so I'm about to embarking on a "f*ck finding" mission. See you soon with the results! Okay--here's the scoop! Check out the f*ckin' figures below! OsoaWeek001--2 OsoaWeek002--7 OsoaWeek003--13 OsoaWeek004--12 OsoaWeek005--2 OsoaWeek006--4 OsoaWeek007--2 OsoaWeek008--7 OsoaWeek009--1 OsoaWeek010--2 OsoaWeek011--7 OsoaWeek012--8 OsoaWeek013--3 OsoaWeek014--9 OsoaWeek015--13 OsoaWeek016--8 OsoaWeek017--3 OsoaWeek018--10 OsoaWeek019--2 OsoaWeek020--7 OsoaWeek021--17 OsoaWeek022--13 F*CK TOTAL--152 So there it is. I was hoping, as I was counting each issue, that I'd come up with at least ONE issue without any f*ck in it, but no luck. The low point was in issue 9, with just one use of the F word. The high point was just a few weeks ago, in issue 21, with a whopping 17! The average f*ck use per issue is about 6.91, but I'm sure this issue will raise that just a bit--this little feature alone uses the F word no less than 9 times! That's more than 15 of the individual issues each have. Maybe someday there'll be an OsoaWeek without "f*ck"? Who knows. It's just one of those things--when you need to use the F word, you just need to use it! I have noticed, however, that stuff I wrote in the past has a lot more f*cks in it than stuff I've written more recently. Maybe I'm maturing as an author? Nah! *OW* [[07023SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 141 Peril. There are waves. Findout. There are clearings. SUPERIOR 142 However, you do have some redeeming qualities the orange dayroad helm. Fine I said was her atmosphere and I was cool. Don't underhave enmity, Georgia, was Josephine the Tinker was bad. Too many bad movies in this town, gotta find another town. Don't get too comfortable. SUPERIOR 143 In the offices, such a time. Youth and danger? Just a stepping stone. Keep on. Time has passed, and I'm getting a sense of time passing and of history. I always think about the past eight years now. I am ready to blast into wild success. Becoming a good person is what it's all about. SUPERIOR 144 Cripes! Sled Dog Anthony is in trouble. Be a friend, all ye. Find his savior, the Wallmaker in Citrus Pass, the Mopey Avahl Mortin. Pick him of the row, save the guy who all the kids love. Be a friend. Be a friend, all ye. *OW* [[08023DH]] Dehumidifier Recently I've been spelunking into the unknown depths of my floppy disks, and I came up with a lot of interesting stuff. Here, for example, is a file I must have recovered from a damaged disk a long time ago. It's one part of a screenplay I did in, what else, my screenwriting class in college. I know there's more to it, but I may have to locate the hard copy and transcribe it. Anyway, check out this fragment--I hope you like it. ***THERE'S PEOPLE IN THE WOODS FOR GODSAKE!*** (a fragment, circa 1987 or 1988) Ext. Twilight. All 9 characters are huddled underneath a sort of bush. There's a violent thunderstorm, but their shelter keeps them dry. From outside we can hear the sounds of horses galloping as well as unearthly screams. Also a bizarre phenomenon, two identical moons can be seen clearly, quite close to each other, even though there is thick cloud cover. All the characters are silent with frightened expressions on their faces. Glances are exchanged and they huddle closer. After a time, however, they fall asleep, the noises still sounding. Now, the same area, but calm morning. All the characters are asleep. MUSHROOM stirs, awakens, gets up, and looks around. All the others are still asleep. Very quietly, MUSHROOM gets up and leaves the protective area. Outside, in the clearing, the woods seem to be perfectly normal, and there is nothing to suggest the mayhem which occurred the night before. MUSHROOM looks back towards the others, makes a grimace, and looks at his watch. He then strides off from the clearing into the woods. Looking up at the sun, MUSHROOM strides obviously towards it, so as to keep walking in a straight line. He seems a little unbelieving of the past day's events, and looks as if he expects to get back to the real world. To his chagrin, however, he soon winds up back at the clearing, even though he didn't alter from his straight course. Bewildered, he goes back underneath the bush to his previous spot, the others still asleep. He sits down and stares off into space. Soon CANDLE, who was next to him, stirs and awakens. Some of the others also begin to wake up. CANDLE (yawning) Oh. Good morning. What a sleep. MUSHROOM Good morning. CANDLE You just wake up, then? MUSHROOM Yeah. CANDLE You must be a little confused. MUSHROOM Yeah. CANDLE Well, don't worry. There's plenty of time to explain everything now. MUSHROOM What? CANDLE I mean, you'll find out everything you want to know. MUSHROOM I don't want to know anything! I just, I mean, look. I just want to go home, get back to my dorm, take a shower, have some breakfast, and then, then go to class and fail my exam! Why am I stuck here? Just now I went outside and followed the sun due east, only to wind up back here! I mean, I... CANDLE ...Mushroom, I'm sorry but I'm afraid there's just no way out of here. I'm sorry. A short pause as CANDLE gets up and sits next to MUSHROOM. She starts to put her arm around his shoulder, but he shrugs her off. MUSHROOM What was all that bullsh*t last night, anyway? CANDLE You mean Two Moons? MUSHROOM Yeah of course. What else happened last night? CANDLE Well... maybe I'll just tell you the whole story. MUSHROOM I don't want any story. I thought yesterday I could leave if I wanted. CANDLE You could have. MUSHROOM Then why can't I leave now? One of you must know the way out. Flip knows, doesn't he? CANDLE We all know the way out, but... but... MUSHROOM ...but what? CANDLE I'm sorry, but after... what happened last night... there's, I mean... I mean, you're stuck here forever, just like us. MUSHROOM FOREVER? CANDLE Look, I can tell you the whole story, if you want. MUSHROOM No. I want... I want... I... look. If there was... somewhere, I mean, in these woods, where I could have... gotten out... CANDLE ..Yes? MUSHROOM Then I want you to take me there right now. How do you know it won't work? CANDLE It's no use Mushroom. We've tried, we've tried it before, so many times. It's no good. After Two Moons, you just can't get out. MUSHROOM I don't understand. "Can't get out." What kind of place is this, anyway? Am I dead or something? CANDLE No, this is a different sort of place than you're used to. Space is somehow... warped. MUSHROOM Great. A pause. BISCUIT, TRAFFIC LIGHT, and EVERGREEN stir as they awaken soon after one another. BISCUIT (yawning) Good morning. Glad that's over. TRAFFIC LIGHT You said it. EVERGREEN What's the time? MUSHROOM glances at his watch. MUSHROOM About ten after ten. TRAFFIC LIGHT That's not what mine says. MUSHROOM I know my watch is right... EVERGREEN What does yours say, Traf? TRAFFIC LIGHT Seven thirty. EVERGREEN I suggest you reset your watch, Mushroom, seven thirty is the proper time. Saying this, EVERGREEN gets up and starts to leave the bush. EVERGREEN Got a few things to check, see you later. She exits. MUSHROOM What did she mean about my watch? CANDLE Well, don't worry about it right now, but you'll want to readjust your watch eventually. MUSHROOM I don't want to readjust my watch. You can't just go screwing around with time like that, you can't! Suddenly, BISCUIT and TRAFFIC LIGHT start to laugh. MUSHROOM What's so funny? The two stop laughing. CANDLE Mushroom, there are things here that you have to find out. MUSHROOM Wait... no. I want you to take me to.... wherever it is that you get out of here. CANDLE It's no use. MUSHROOM If you don't take me, I'll just find it myself! With this, he gets up and starts to exit. CANDLE No, wait! MUSHROOM stops and looks around at her. CANDLE I'll show you. MUSHROOM Good. They both get out. CANDLE takes MUSHROOM by the hand, which he reluctantly accepts, and they walk off into the woods. MUSHROOM Tell me about this... space warp, or whatever you were talking about. CANDLE Well... MUSHROOM Oh, no. I just remembered. My roommate was at his girlfriend's room and he forgot his key. I told him I'd be there to let him in. CANDLE laughs a little. MUSHROOM (cont.) What is so funny? CANDLE I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. MUSHROOM Why not? CANDLE You wouldn't believe me, I don't think. Not yet. MUSHROOM Try me. I mean, after all that crap last night and the thing with the woods, I think I'm willing to buy just about anything. CANDLE Just remember, I warned you. MUSHROOM Okay. CANDLE Well, you said it was 1985, right? MUSHROOM It is 1985. CANDLE Um, well... not any more. MUSHROOM "Not any more?" You mean it's not 1985? CANDLE No, it's probably sometime in the 1990's. Yeah, yeah I'm almost sure of it. MUSHROOM What? CANDLE The 1990's. Yeah. MUSHROOM Did I miss something? Why is it the 1990's? CANDLE That storm last night, and the two moons. Whenever that happens we go forward in time. MUSHROOM Like, like forward in time like in time travel? CANDLE Yeah, I guess you could put it that way. MUSHROOM Is that why my watch was wrong? CANDLE I suppose. They continue walking for a few yards, then stop. CANDLE (cont.) Well, here we are! MUSHROOM Where? CANDLE Here. Where you wanted to go. The way out. MUSHROOM I don't... see anything... CANDLE These two trees... MUSHROOM ...yeah... CANDLE ...are the way out. MUSHROOM What do you mean? There's nothing here but... MUSHROOM reaches towards the trees. CANDLE Don't... MUSHROOM pauses. MUSHROOM Don't what? CANDLE Don't... walk inbetween them. MUSHROOM The trees? CANDLE Yes, the trees. MUSHROOM Why not? CANDLE Because, it's... MUSHROOM Looks safe to me. He starts to walk inbetween the two trees. CANDLE No! MUSHROOM It's fine, see? He walks through. CANDLE Mushroom! All the way through, he comes out the other side and collapses suddenly onto the ground. CANDLE goes over to his aid. She feels his wrist, his forehead, etc. Then she looks around with a worried look on her face. FADE TO BLACK. *OW* [[09023SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 23: "Daptin's Land" Daptin glared at the crowd he was trudging forward with. Thirteen people walking--one hovering in midair. He felt contempt for the others--to him, it seemed they were strolling happily, blindly into utter disaster. A horrible feeling of suspended panic was a heavy weight on Daptin's spirit. The green sky--the kemig call--all wrong. The group was now treading a relatively clear area, and it had been several hours since Millicent had appeared out of nowhere. It almost seemed that they were approaching the outer perimeter of the slay balloon blast. An awfully powerful weapon, those balloons, Daptin thought. The size of the group made Daptin nervous. He felt that he was leading them all to slaughter or something, that as soon as the coffee in his veins kicked in and transported them back toward the Cup, something terrible would happen. And he didn't like the feeling of responsibility. He thought back to Fox and The Tracy Taciturn and that lost day--something had gone wrong then, too. There seemed to be a lot of things going wrong in the universe. What a fighting force this gang would be, Daptin mused. Cup's Club with it's ultrapowerful members. Coabler the Sawman, Classic of Logic, Kesh the Vector, Pattern Integrity, Bith the Silly Train, Demolish All, and the one they told him about--the one who had been transformed into a little plastic toy version of himself--Tickle the Monster. Daptin did like the sense of otherness he got from these folks. They truly did seem to be from far-off, whacked-out worlds. Unlike the unsettling sense of familiarity he always got in Agoopish. And there was Granticaine and his Provocation Team D--three awfully nice, but also awfully weird people. Iterator of Rail Avenue, Pantry Lurkin, and Wreckage Mallie. Mallie was especially strange--Injure Bodoni had been doing some weird experiment at Greatwall, and he called Granticaine over and asked him if there was anybody he'd like to bring back to life. It was supposed to power some sort of situation field, but instead Mallie--who had been killed in the war--came into being. Bodoni had juryrigged the system and of course, just like him, couldn't remember exactly what he had done. Daptin was sure it still bothered the scientist. And Daptin thought back to the Caxopys--that goddamn Cursive and her smirking sister Elaine--sending them on this suicide mission or whatever it was meant to be. Fake was such a nice girl, and she so loved the excitement of Agoopish. Now he wondered if they'd ever get back there, let alone anywhere else coherent. And the still-unconscious Jerald from Fiestarkoon. Daptin never trusted the guy, and was even a little disappointed to find out he was still alive. He was sure the little jerk knew more than he was letting on. He had to. Then there was Millicent--appearing out of nowhere, claiming she had just succeeded in "stepping into the movie"--a "Cup's Club" movie, from what she told them. Daptin looked at the girl and felt like crying when he felt her innocence, her freshness. He stared at her and felt very low, very heavy, as if he were responsible for crushing this beautiful person's most cherished dreams. As he continued to stare at Millicent, she slowed down a little, and looked around nervously. Daptin thought it was her detecting his glare, but presently she looked down and pulled her hand out of her pocket. There was something in it. "What's this?" Millicent said, examining the thing. Daptin knew it was something important. He could feel it. It's importance was like a knife stabbing at him. And he moved behind Millicent to get a better look. "This isn't mine." Millicent said slowly, softly. And Daptin saw what she was holding--it was a little plastic doll. "Okay." Daptin said, and Millicent turned to face him. "Look at it!" she said. "I never put it in there! Things are getting stranger and stranger." The others all turned toward Daptin and Millicent, and the group quickly ground to a halt. "Let me see." Daptin said, holding his hand out. Millicent gingerly gave him the doll. And Daptin looked at it. It was a doll of a young woman with long brown hair. He knew immediately that it was Tavmatey Numblem. But this isn't what gave Daptin such a wrenching feeling in his gut. The doll had a T-shirt on, a T-shirt with a face on it. And he recognized the face. It was the waitress he and Granticaine had at the Hello Tarby. It was Sleap. It was her face. Her smiling face. Granticaine came over to Daptin. "What is it?" he asked. Daptin showed him the doll. "Huh. That's strange Not another of your party, is it Coabler?" Grant said. "We're all accounted for." Coabler said. "Maybe Millicent here had a friend?" "No, I was alone." Millicent said, biting her lip. "Recognize her?" Daptin said. "The one on the shirt." Granticaine stared intently. "Yes! Yes I do! Who could forget that hairdo. It's that waitress from the Tarby restaurant. Yes. But why?" Daptin coughed. "That's what I want to figure out. Something about this feel so... I don't know. I feel like I'm on the verge of realizing something." "Hey we should keep moving!" Fake said. "I don't want to get left behind here!" "Okay." Daptin said, and the group continued forward. And Daptin began to get light-headed. "People--keep moving. I think it may be coming." Daptin said, holding his hand to his head. "We're ready." Kesh said distantly. They continued for a few moments, and then Granticaine put his hand on Daptin's back. "Daptin--I have a confession. Back at that restaurant, that girl left a note for you," Granticaine said, taking his hand off Daptin's back and pulling the little business card from his sleeve, "and I kept it. At the time, I didn't fully trust you--and then, I just forgot about it." Daptin had a very confused and upset look on his face as he took the business card from Granticaine and read it. It read "Greenie--every Faprintarb, Copanck Center Basement NE, occult meeting--try it! Hope I see ya there--Sleap Drassy." Daptin's head was swimming. "Something's not right. It's happening." Daptin said, and he felt a chill and a surge of electricity all through his body. The image of the doll and the business card in his hands in front of him began receding. "Everyone--I'm sorry if this doesn't work. Please believe me." Daptin said. But already, he knew that it wasn't going to work. He felt himself--and all the rest of his cohorts--getting sucked faster and faster into a vacuum--into an empty space--into true nothingness. There were no weird images, no loss of consciousness, nothing like their previous cupslips. Then things happened very quickly, in the blink of an eye. Daptin could sense the others around him, and was painfully aware of the acceleration of their flushing down the drain toward oblivion. He knew in an instant they would all cease to exist. He knew there wouldn't be any cute saves by ultrapowerful friends, no world of nothingness they could escape from. He knew they would be completely and utterly obliterated. There was the power of the Cup and the power of whatever the kemig call had caused. And in-between these two powers was a place where no one reigned. They were headed for totally, irretrievably anonymous demise. So Daptin struck out. He struck out into the gaping, horrifying void and felt a wellspring of resource fill him. Time didn't matter anymore, all this was happening in a single instant. He struck out, images of his wonderful flight with Tracy down Canyon filling his mind. Yes--it was this sort of power and substance filling him. Primal. He struck out, and in wild release, Created. And in that single act, Daptin felt something more good than anything he had ever imagined. And he knew that things would never be the same, knowing that feeling. He Created, and Thirteen people stood at the threshold of a new Land. They stood at the gate, the first opening, and they saw. And none of them believed what they saw. For it was a thing that all of them had harbored deep in their souls, something glimpsed briefly only a few times in a lifetime, something you could maybe see a tiny glimmer of in one of those perfect days of youth. But here--here it just bluntly hit them all straight in the face. It was everywhere. It was unbelievable. It was Creation. And they saw Daptin in the distance, on a hilltop, arms raised. This was his doing--it all pointed to him. This was wonderful. This was impossible. This was Daptin's Land. So many of them wanted to speak, but they knew they couldn't. Daptin would speak the first words here. That was the way it had to be. And eventually, after what might have been a minute or a century, Daptin turned to the group and smiled. "This is my Land." he said. "And you were all here to witness its Creation. Welcome." They all smiled. Daptin approached each one of them in turn, clasping hands with them and smiling. When he got to Fake, she spoke. "I hope this doesn't make you think you're God or anything." she said, smiling. "I'm still the same old Daptin you knew." he said, then his expression turned more serious. "At least, part of me is." "This is the first time I've ever felt truly real." Bith said as Daptin clasped his massive hands. "Thank you." Daptin smiled and moved on to Coabler. "I've been to one of these before." the sawman said with a knowing glance. "Yours was better." Daptin let out a short laugh. "Thanks." The Creator greeted all thirteen individuals, except for Jerald, who was still unconscious. Daptin was happy the little creep had missed his act of Creation--it served him right! And Daptin liked the fact that he could still feel such petty feelings. He didn't want to lose his humanity, and he knew he wouldn't, but his current state of consciousness seemed to dwarf the human in him. Indeed, he could feel and sense, see and hear, smell and taste every nook and cranny of the world he had just Created. And a wonderful place it was. He was even then finalizing the arrangements of everything--and he found it so invigorating that he had such a canvas to work on. And it felt so natural--it was effortless--and he wasn't designing things either, he was just sort of directing the way they flowed. He made the area directly around them into a green hilly paradise, with waterfalls, flowers, streams, lawns, fruit, and all the rest. And in the center of it all, he made a structure, a lovely house, including rooms that would always belong to each of the thirteen--even one for Jerald. And then Daptin became aware of the two trapped in little plastic toy bodies, and he brought them forth and gave them life again and gave them rooms. "Whoah!" Demolish All said as Tickle the Monster and Tavmatey Numblem came into being. "So I made it through after all!" Tavmatey said. Then she looked around. "I guess." Tickle bounded around like a monkey, and was drinking in the first sips of the sensory overload around him. His primitive mind was just beginning to grasp the situation. Daptin approached Tavmatey. "Tavmatey Numblem, I presume?" he said. "Yes." she said shyly, smiling a sly smile and looking up at Daptin with awfully bright eyes. Her voice was hoarse, but adorable. "Tell me about Sleap Drassy." Daptin said. He already knew, but he wanted to hear it from her. "What did you want to know about her?" Tavmatey said in a childish, flirting, impatient manner, her hands clasped behind her back. "Well," Daptin said, taking a step closer. "Out of all the things about Sleap, would you say there's one thing which stands out more than the others?" "You Created this world?" Tavmatey said, a skeptical look on her face. "Of course." Daptin said. "Well, Sleap makes your powers look like a weak effort, man. She's the one that got the Cup of Coffee--from a place you couldn't even understand." Kesh the Vector turned toward Daptin and Tavmatey. "She invited me to a meeting." Daptin said. "I think I should go and talk to her." "That sounds good." Tavmatey said. "Maybe she can give you some pointers. And for goodness sake, take me with you. I'm dying to get back together with her." "I now see what you meant about knowing me." Daptin said. "A little offshoot in my lifeworld. I remember it now." Tavmatey smiled and twisted back and forth in joy. "I get it." Daptin said. "Your precious Sleap got that Cup for me, didn't she? So I could do this?" "Mmmmmaybe." Tavmatey said. "Because I have something that she hasn't got." "Uh... mmmmmaybe." "Because I was there." "Uh huh." "I was there at the First Creation." "Bingo." "And she wants something from me--in exchange for this gift." "Yes." "But you don't know what that is." "Uh uh." Daptin turned around and rubbed his chin. His near omniscience only extended throughout his own Land, and no further. "Wait a minute. I'm getting all this information from you--and you're just one of Sleap's playthings." Tavmatey raised her eyebrows. "She didn't plan this--she saw it coming, and planted you so you'd wind up here." Daptin said. "Cursive and Elaine--are they her playthings too?" "I dunno." "No--there's something else going on. I'm getting this all wrong. Well, thanks for ruining the single most glorious achievement of my life! I create my own Land and because of you I'm wasting my time trying to second guess some super-hyper-ultra-mega-kazillion-powerful entity." "She is that, isn't she?" "She's nothing." Daptin said. "Her sphere of activity is a sublevel, even if it does reach such grand heights, relatively." Tavmatey's eyes narrowed and she became more serious. "Your view of things is clouded by the First Creation. How do you know she isn't operating in That Which Came Before?" "THAT is what's driving her crazy! No matter how high she gets, she can never get past the First Creation! She cannot penetrate That Which Came Before!" "Says you." "Haha! I knew it!" Tavmatey turned away. "Your thinking is even more clouded by the abundance of youness all around you. This is your Land. Whatever you want to believe has to be true." Daptin started to take a step toward Tavmatey, then decided not to. "Daptin," Granticaine said, sitting on the grass, "I don't want to spoil things, but where exactly IS this Land you've created? Can you bridge from here? Indeed, can we get back to our Earths at all?" "Yes, Grant." Daptin said, turning away from Tavmatey. "Sort of. I mean, the Cup wanted to send me home, to Arctica, and it tried, but Arctica wasn't there in the form it should have been, so instead of going home, we were headed for nowhere--and I do mean nowhere." Granticaine raised his eyebrows as Daptin continued. "I have made a bridge--not the Aconck kind, but a real kind of bridge, which will lead to Arctica--when and if it ever comes back." "What do you mean, 'come back'?" Granticaine asked. "Where could it have gone to?" Daptin sighed. "When Mallie got that call, that's what did it. Communication between Aconck and where we were broke all kinds of laws of reality, and the whole thing just went haywire. At least, that's my best guess. I got a glimpse of my home town for the briefest of instant when I Created--and I got that impression." "So--" Granticaine said, also sighing, "How do we know that Aconck will ever come back--recover from this disaster?" "We don't." Daptin said. "But I have a feeling someone out there has the capacity to do it. Remember--Bavler Bestroystraw was careful to address the issue of stability in his equations. And he does refer to recoverable crashes in his works." Granticaine nodded. "Well, I just hope that whoever that someone is who can reboot Aconck, they're hard at work making it happen." * * * "Alright! It works!" Prince Ferrajalt exclaimed as the giant police car smoothly started forward. Beside him, Treyess Arcomany grabbed the dashboard for support, but let go when she saw how smooth the ride was. "Now we have to find a way out of here." "I know." Ferrajalt said, and just then he noticed a little screen off to his left, which had lit up with a variety of patterns and symbols. "We'll just have to circle the entire perimeter and look for an opening. They moved out of their spot, and then Ferrajalt carefully eased the massive vehicle to the right. It responded splendidly. He then set forth between the fence and the rows and rows of giant police cars--all identical to the one they were in. "There sure are a lot of them." Treyess said, looking over. "Yeah--amazing how such a useful thing was created in this supposedly random reality crash." "I'm sure it's not random. It can't be." Then Ferrajalt glanced at the screen again and he could see it was a red 3-D vector representation of his vehicle driving along the fence--and the next image showed an overall view of the yard, showing that there were no breaks in the fence at all--except a little spot that was lit up--the place he had broken a small hole in it. "You know." Ferrajalt said. "I think we have some kind of guidance system here. The only problem is, it's showing that there aren't any exits out of here--no, wait..." The screen vectors changed from red to an aquamarine sort of color, and he saw an image of the giant police car firing its cannon at the fence, cutting a neat hole in it, and driving through. Next to it was a picture of an aquamarine crescent-shaped button--a button that was on the console in front of him. "What is it?" Treyess asked. "It looks like it's giving me the best option. Guess all I have to do is press that button--see?" "Go for it." So Ferrajalt pressed the button, and the giant police car eased into autopilot, moving forward a little more, then making a sharp right turn, then backing up a little. Before even a second had past, a barrage of bright projectiles or beams spat out from above them and annihilated a whole section of fence. Then the screen turned red again and all was silent as smoke and mist from the destroyed fence began to drift away. Ferrajalt laughed. "Pretty cool, eh? I like this giant police car--or whatever it's called. There's no way I'm leaving this place without one--no way!" Treyess looked up at a plaque she had seen before, above the door which led into the back. It was a logo which read simply "WARHOME". Yes--that made some kind of sense to her. "From what I see up there," she said, nodding toward the plaque, "this is a Warhome. Good name." "Yeah?" the Prince said, turning and looking. "That sounds good." "You haven't seen the downstairs yet. Once you do you'll see why it could be considered a home, no problem." "Yeah--you know what? I want to go back there. Um--let me just drive it out to the road, then we can go back and see exactly what's going on, eh?" "Sounds good to me." So he drove the Warhome out into the street and turned it toward the river. There was very little room to spare on the two-lane road. Then he looked around for some sort of safety brake, but figure the thing must be smart enough not to start rolling down a hill. So he got up and followed Treyess into the back of the Warhome. The first thing Ferrajalt did was climb up the shaft to inspect the tiny biplane. "Man, I'd really like to see if this thing flies." "I'm sure it does, Prince. Otherwise, why would it be there?" Ferrajalt looked all the way down to the other end of the shaft, where the little submarine was. "Looks like they thought of everything." he said. "Land, air, water, and underwater. Guess this thing's a boat too--amphibious." "Probably. Now come on down from there!" Treyess said. "You just have to see the main room!" "Okay! Coming, coming." He climbed down and followed her into the large room. The rain forest program was still playing. "Whoah!" Ferrajalt said. "What the heck is this?" "It's just one of many programs this place has." Treyess said, jumping onto the bed and looking over the control panel with all the backlit photos. "Here--this should show you the room without any special effects." She pressed a button depicting an image of the room itself, and the rain forest effects gently faded away. "Whoah." the Prince said. "Isn't it wonderful? The ultimate motor home." Treyess said, smiling and bouncing on the bed. Ferrajalt glanced at her, and walked over beside her, eyeing the control panel. "I see." he said. "Let's try another one--how about an amusement park?" He touched the image of an amusement park, and the program slowly kicked in. Soon, images and smells of a sunny day in an amusement park surrounded then, complete with two roller coaster and a giant Ferris wheel visible. The smell of cotton candy made Ferrajalt crave it. "This is truly unbelievable." Ferrajalt said, sitting next to Treyess on the bed, but making sure not to get too close. There was a lot of sexual tension going on. "I wish we could get some of that cotton candy. I'm starved." Treyess turned to look at the Prince. "I'm sure there's a kitchen in here somewhere--there has to be." Ferrajalt got up. "You didn't check the other rooms yet?" "Nope. This one kind of took the wind out of my sails. I could just lounge around in here forever!" she said, lying back on the bed, spreading her arms back behind her. Ferrajalt regarded her for a moment, then turned toward the door. "I going to check those other rooms." he said. "Okay." He walked out of the room and regarded the mechanism facing him on the shaft. Some sort of grated opening, angled upward, and a whole mess of little indicators--arranged like a periodic table of element. Each little needle showed a varying amount of whatever it was measuring. And while Ferrajalt had surmised that the Warhome operated on direct matter-to-energy power, he had no idea why so many different elements should be needed. He made a mental note to look into it further and opened the door facing the left of the Warhome. Inside he found another bathroom, complete with shower, sink, toilet, and a few other devices he could only guess at the use of. Then he crossed to the righthand side and found another living quarters--this one considerably smaller and plainer than the main one. He entered and looked about, and Treyess came in behind him. "Guest room?" she wondered. "Looks like it." Ferrajalt said. They looked around in admiring wonder and then went for the remaining two doors, each facing front. Treyess went to the one on the left, and Ferrajalt the one on the right. They smiled at each other. "Okay." Treyess said. "On the count of three." Ferrajalt laughed, and they opened their respective doors. Ferrajalt found the kitchen he had been looking for--and a quick inspection found it stocked to the gills with goodies. Treyess stepped into a strange room--part library and part armory. A computer terminal also sat in one corner. There were all manner of weapons here--from swords and cat-o-nine-tails to some very nasty looking rifles, rocket launchers, grenades, pistols, and the like. She scanned over the books and saw that they were all Timber Serious Earth works--the classics, she supposed. Ferrajalt came into the room behind her. "Found the kitchen." he said. "And look what I found." "Wow! Think there's enough weapons in here for us?" "Oh Ferrajalt--just think--there are hundreds of these in that yard over there. What a magnificent find!" "Yeah--but will they still be there when and if we get reality back on track?" "Well I'm, with you--if restoring reality means leaving our Warhome behind, forget it. I'd rather travel around this wasteland inside here than give it up." "I agree." Ferrajalt said. "It's something I've always wanted." "Yeah?" "Yeah--a stable home." the Prince said. *OW* [[10023CO]] Catalog of Obliviana These days, when you buy a book, magazine, CD, or videotape, you get an artifact which acts as the medium for the information contained within. But as the Digital Superworld develops, more and more of the infostimulation you buy will be pure data--with no physical side, no artifact. In fact, OsoaWeek is such a formless thing--it's pure data. With this in mind, we here at Obliviana Super Occult Amusement feel that artifacts will begin to take on more meaning. And because of this, we have developed a system by which all of the Obliviana Artifacts we release have definite identity--with limited production, each item is numbered, stamped, and personally signed by its creator. The following list contains all the currently available Obliviana Artifacts. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 28 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 7 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[11023CN]] Contents BEGIN 01 023 CV--Cover 02 023 HR--Hemisinister Review 03 023 ZP--Zope 04 023 HT--Halfevil Times 05 023 LA--Lord of Obliviana 06 023 NH--Nihilistica 07 023 SU--Superior 08 023 DH--Dehumidifier 09 023 SR--Severe Repair 10 023 CO--Catalog of Obliviana 11 023 CN--Contents END *OW* [[END023OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |