|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 001--7/28/94 --------  ||  OsoaWeek  ||  Issues  ||  Book 1  ||  -------> (Cup OWis001, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN001OW]] [[01001MH]] OsoaWeek001, July 28, 1994 Published by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Contact via e-mail at obliviana@aol.com, via voice at 1-800-OBLIVIANA, or via snailmail at 37 Gill Lane, Suite 119, Iselin, NJ 08830, USA. On America Online, contact via "Obliviana". Copyright 1994 by Frank Edward Nora. Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim electronic copies of this ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction are forbidden without express written permission from Frank Edward Nora. This file should contain 99382 characters and 2863 lines--if not, there may be something wrong. OsoaWeek originates in the United States of America. Statement of Purpose: OsoaWeek is the weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa), an innovative and far-reaching game with an eye on the future. See the Appendix at the end of this file for a clear explanation of what Osoa is all about. And check out the Sneak Preview below (after Contents) for an overview of what's inside this issue! *OW* [[02001CN]] Contents of OsoaWeek001 BEGIN 01 001 MH--Masthead 02 001 CN--Contents 03 001 SP--Sneak Preview 04 001 LO--Lord of Obliviana Revelry 05 001 EM--Your E-Mail is Gonna Come 06 001 NH--Nihilistica 07 001 CO--Catalog of Obliviana * * * 08 001 SO--The State of Osoa 09 001 EF--How to Establish Your Fonosta 10 001 IF--In the Flowers 11 001 OP--Obliviana Primal Beat 12 001 AB--Antebellum * * * 13 001 HR--Hemisinister Review 14 001 HT--Halfevil Times 15 001 MB--Assignment: Mystery Box 16 001 NJ--New Jersey 17 001 ZP--Zope 18 001 FE--Friction Enhancer 19 001 SU--Superior 20 001 SR--Severe Repair 21 001 AX--Appendix END Unless otherwise noted, all contents are by Frank Edward Nora. See Appendix for more information on the Contents, codes, and searching. *OW* [[03001SP]] Sneak Preview of OsoaWeek001 Get ready to enter a universe of very cool entertainment--a universe called Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (or Osoa for short). OsoaWeek is the weekly magazine of Osoa, distributed in electronic form, which is absolutely free to all takers! All material contained in OsoaWeek is totally original, and the whole thing is quite massive and insane! Here's the lowdown on this issue... Lord of Obliviana Revelry (04001LO) is the place where Frank Edward Nora, AKA Lord of Obliviana will share his innermost secrets and dreams with you! Well, that's not quite true--he'll basically just rant and rave about how great Osoa is and how his life is crap due to all the work he does on it. Something like that. Your E-Mail is Gonna Come (05001EM) to Osoa, and be answered by the Lord of Obliviana. Unfortunately, this being the first issue, the Lord had to improvise a little... Nihilistica (06001NH) presents miscellaneous lists, facts, figures, quips, news items, and the like. This time you'll get "The Nine Brides of Exho", "Gaohid", and a whole lot more. Very wonderful. Catalog of Obliviana (07001CO) introduces stuff you can actually BUY from Osoa, as opposed to getting free, like OsoaWeek and Fonosta and whatever the heck else. Check out the amazingly professional Pelter CD-ROM of clip textures, Miniature Super Object #1, and Perfect Fovy! The State of Osoa (08001SO) is here! Find out what the blazes is going on in the exhilarating universe of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement! This time, the scene is set, and you, YES YOU, are given an opportunity to be one of the first kids on your block to become an Osoan! How to Establish Your Fonosta (09001EF) has everything you need to establish your Fonosta! It's a whole lot of fun, and best of all, it's FREE! Did you hear that? FREE! Sounds nice, doesn't it? FREE! FREE! FREE! In the Flowers (10001IF) is the weekly features that takes a look at what's happening in all eleven Flowers. Each one is a major area of thought and action in Osoa--as a whole, quite a fantastic realm of endeavor! Acquaint yourself with them, eh? Obliviana Primal Beat (11001OP) introduces us all to the coolest virtual universe ever--Obliviana Primal! Check out all 19 ultra-awesome Domains, and decide which one you want to live in! If you check in early, you'll be a major powerhouse when Obliviana Primal finally goes online! Antebellum (12001AB) is an awesome scenario set in New Jersey, where 118 fighter, called Bellums, vie for supremacy! Get introduced to all 118--and choose your favorite! You'll be so glad you did. Hemisinister Review (13001HR) brings you reviews of all sorts of stuff! This time, ten recent films are reviewed, including "True Lies" and "The Lion King". Also, 16 new Crayola crayon colors from 1993 are delved into. For crazy reviews, you can always turn to Hemisinister ! Halfevil Times (14001HT) is a horribly funny feature, this time featuring your, uh, accurate and dependable horoscope. Laugh your ass off, pal! Assignment: Mystery Box (15001MB), where star Peter Litkey is put to the ultimate test when he opens the Mystery Box and has to do all sorts of insane stuff with whatever he might find inside. See for yourself how well he did! New Jersey (16001NJ) is the greatest place on Earth, if you didn't already know, and here we take a close-up look at all sorts of cool places to go and things to do in the Garden State. Included this time around are Swedish furniture superstore "Ikea", and classic game paradise, "Video Game Connections". Zope (17001ZP), star of his own wild comic strip, takes a stab at the world of text. Check out Zope's unnecessarily violent and peculiar antics in today's episode, "Zope & A Victim of Beverage Hostility". Friction Enhancer (18001FE) presents some very unexpected forms of entertaining oneself--forms of entertainment which can alter the very fabric of reality around you! This time, check out the all-time classic "Mallball"--you'll be so pleased you did. Superior (19001SU) presents the first eight Superiors! Each is a little passage of text which evokes strange and potentially hazardous visions. Not for the meek of spirit, and DEFINITELY not poetry, or so says Mr. Nora. Severe Repair (20001SR) begin the saga of a wonderfully strange, yet oddly familiar universe inhabited by a Pandora's Box of wonderful characters. In this first installment, entitled "Bastard Dumb Luck Calling", you'll be introduced to the green-haired Daptin Gone, and his experience with a little fellow known as Fox. Also, you'll be privy to the hijinks at Spoin Hall at Thatterine College, where students are gathered to watch tapes of their favorite cult TV show, "Johnny Pitch". And finally, you'll discover the deep musings of one Tavmatey Numblem, home from a glorious day and seeking cool ideals. Check out Severe Repair for an awesome new kind of sci-fi/fantasy experience! Appendix (21001AX) contains all sorts of useful, ancillary information to help you understand OsoaWeek, including the answer to that burning question, "What the hell is this stupid Obliviana thing anyway?" NEXT WEEK: OsoaWeek002, August 4, 1994--the coolness just keeps on coming! More Superior! More Halfevil Times! More Severe Repair! More of everything! And hey, if you're in the future, you can download it RIGHT NOW! *OW* [[04001LO]] Lord of Obliviana Revelry Ah, how refreshing it is to be here at the beginning of such a wonderful enterprise. The time has come for Obliviana Super Occult Amusement to burst upon the scene! Yes, it's beautiful, isn't it? Can't you see it? Hi there. I'm Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana. Welcome to OsoaWeek001--the very first issue of OsoaWeek! If all goes as planned, there will be a brand new issue of OsoaWeek waiting for you to download EVERY THURSDAY! Each issue is chock full of killer, stimulating text, and that's not all. Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa for short) is a GAME as well. To play the game you need to establish your Fonosta--and everything you need to do that is here in this issue! Get your Fonosta in early, as each established Fonosta will get a sequential number. The lower the number the cooler the Osoan, or so they say! And hey, it's FREE! Heck, OsoaWeek is FREE too! What am I, nuts? Well, I am a little zany, but I'm not doing this for my health. It's my hope that through free distribution and game play, all the intricate multitudes of Osoa stories, characters, concepts games, etc. will become more familiar to everyone. As well, I will be selling limited-edition, ultra-cool products in the CATALOG OF OBLIVIANA in these very pages. Help me people. I'm trying to get this really cool company going, and I need your help. I'd like to see this ezine distributed far and wide. I want people to have the opportunity to find something FUN on the net for once. So please post this file in places where you think the users would enjoy it! OsoaWeek is designed to be very portable. Each issue is a plain vanilla ASCII file, designed to be readable on just about ANY computer in the world. And though the content can get a little wild, OsoaWeek is intended to be about "PG-13". Any "bad" words in OsoaWeek are "censored", ie, f*ck, sh*t, etc. This may seem a little inane, but who knows who's out there searching text for such words? Well, those words aren't in here! (If anyone asks, say the words are "feck" and "shet". If they ask why these words need to be censored, tell them they are "Internet illiterate".) But hey, there's a lot of great stuff in OsoaWeek, sure, but registering your Fonosta is the most important thing you can get from Obliviana. It's something which will literally allow you to live forever in the Digital Superworld of tomorrow. And for today, it's the central part of a darn fun diversion! So delve in, and by all means, e-mail your Fonosta and/or any comments or questions you may have to obliviana@aol.com. And if you'd rather we didn't publish any of your correspondence, please say so. Otherwise, it may appear in the letter section. Well, now I have to go over and make my State of Osoa Address--see you there! *OW* [[05001EM]] Your E-Mail is Gonna Come Dear Lord of Obliviana, I am a non-existent, fictional person created for the express purpose of writing a letter to the first issue of OsoaWeek. While I am happy to think and feel, even for so short a period of time, I must protest this silly, loser mechanism for obtaining mail for the first issue. In any event, I did not enjoy the non-existent OsoaWeek000, which I never got a hold of. I particularly did not enjoy the feature on "A Gang of Naked Reality Clones of Greek Goddess Athena with Punk Hairdos Living in Your Basement". I did not find it to be at all offensive. In closing, I must say that O.J.'s non-existent bloody ski mask fits me very well, and that I wear it wherever I don't go. I also urge your reader to send in their own letters, as it would be a crying shame to use such a banal creature as me to write a letter more than once. Yours Sincerely, Benny * * * Dear Benny, Your pathetic attempt to bring a "brainy" brand of comedy to YEMIGC is utterly foolish and wrong-minded. As well, the Athena thing was INTENDED to be offensive, even though it doesn't exist. Perhaps even MORE than offensive, perhaps just plain, uh, unacceptable. On the subject of the bloody ski mask, please don't do any DNA testing on it--just take the blood's DNA and make a clone of O.J.--he can be your only friend in that strange, disturbing, unreal, universe you live in. And hey--if you're lucky, Nicole and what's-his-name, that guy who also got killed, and dare I say, a few Athenas, may be in there as well for your sick amusement. --Lord of Obliviana *OW* [[06001NH]] Nihilistica FIRST OBLIVIANA DAY BRINGS FIRST OSOAWEEK Obliviana Day is the 209th day of the year, which falls on July 28 most years, but on July 27 on Leap Year. On the first Obliviana Day (7/28/94) the first weekly issue of OsoaWeek was released. It promises to provide awesome free entertainment to the electronican multitudes. And what do you know--you're reading OsoaWeek001 right now! THE NINE BRIDES OF EXHO Bride of Exho 1: Enter Female Bride of Exho 2: Tron Amy Bride of Exho 3: Lake of It Bride of Exho 4: Hide Andrea Bride of Exho 5: Silli Heatha Bride of Exho 6: Pine Run Glara Bride of Exho 7: Measurin' Karla Bride of Exho 8: Fleet Hemming Bride of Exho 9: Get Lost GAOHID Gaohid 1: Appomattox Flight Gaohid 2: Power Jolt Parkway Gaohid 3: Lont Gaohid 4: Hethlene Gaohid 5: Piperspace Gaohid 6: Lime Stiander Gaohid 7: The Girl Afterall Gaohid 8: Pony Ultimate Freedom Gaohid 9: Beam of Clevers Gaohid 10: Lestrin & Behinda Gaohid 11: Going Sleek the Pleasures Gaohid 12: Cedarblasting Gaohid 13: Sunject Gaohid 14: Opened & She Was Everwhat Kim Gaohid 15: Railroad Chroncross Gaohid 16: Phone Unbooth Leaves Gaohid 17: Raining Outside Chamber Gaohid 18: Ball Bearing Waterfall Method Gaohid 19: Bad Subway Conjectura Gaohid 20: 8:08 AM Worlds Fair Gaohid 21: Spap Noodeg Gaohid 22: A Spangle of Coolant Gaohid 23: Half-Awaker Dazed Character Gaohid 24: Loom Have High Wondphilosph DID YOU KNOW IT? Seven counties in New Jersey each have a population greater than the entire State of Wyoming. The United Kingdom is only 2,847 square miles smaller than Oregon. Chad is 3.41 times the size of Montana. Until 1979, all hurricane names were female. The five original MTV veejays--Martha Quinn, Alan Hunter, Nina Blackwood, J.J. Jackson, and Mark Goodman--are all total losers now. *OW* [[07001CO]] Catalog of Obliviana Yes indeed, in the midst of all this free stuff there is stuff that requires good ol' money to get. The Catalog of Obliviana is dedicated to providing you with limited-production, numbered artifacts which have great value beyond their mere contents or functions. You can always call 1-800-OBLIVIANA to check out how many of a given Artifact are left, and also reserve an item. Your Artifact will be held for 5 business days, awaiting your order. I keep two of everything, so the initial amount available is at least two less than the total. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash, to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Signed and numbered. 38 left. Only $30 each! MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 38 left. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. Yours for $5! *OW* [[08001SO]] The State of Osoa Obliviana Super Occult Amusement begins today! Yes, it's true. Today, July 28, 1994 marks the beginning of Osoa. All is in a state of readiness to begin! Everyone is invited to play the game of Obliviana. There are just a few major rules you need to know: [1] You PLAY Osoa, but you do not JOIN. There is no "membership" for anyone. [2] To play, you establish your Fonosta and send it to Osoa to be approved and registered. Then, every so often, after a good deal of game play, you send a Fonosta UPGRADE to Osoa. Through this process, you continually improve your own personal Fonosta. [3] Every individual person may have but one Fonosta, and every Fonosta must be held by a single individual. Multiple Fonosta held by a single person, Fonostas held by fictitious, dead, or otherwise nonexistent persons, or Fonostas held by organizations are all strictly forbidden. [4] Other than personal information, Osoa reserves the right to publish or otherwise disseminate the contents of your Fonosta. An exception is made for "secret" Fonosta elements, which may be obtained in the future. [5] Osoa is not in the business of investigating, reprimanding, or anything of the sort. If we believe you are abusing our services, we will simply refuse to process any of your communications with us. Simple, eh? [6] Though we plan on being in operation for the long haul, we must inform you that none of our free services are guaranteed--though we are committed to providing prompt, reliable service to all comers. [7] It is our ideal to provide free electronic Osoa game play to all comers. We do offer products and services for sale, but none of these are vital to the core playing of Osoa. [8] Osoa CAN be played without any communications with Osoa--your Fonosta simply won't be archived and therefore won't be official. Thusly, it cannot be recognized as valid by other Osoans. [9] Most importantly, Osoa is based on honesty, trust, and good sportsmanship. If this sort of stuff isn't your cup of tea, no one's forcing you to get involved. SO--WHAT EXACTLY IS A FONOSTA ANYWAY? Good question! We are at the very beginning of the Digital Superworld, where, among its other advantages, vast amount of material in a wide array of mediums can be digitized, and then stored, transferred, and viewed by others with increasing ease. Right now, a novel-length text file is pretty easily managed, but a feature film is unmanageable for most people's computers. But it's only a matter of time before feature films (at many, many gigabytes for full resolution) are as easy to deal with as an average text file. Because of this, any material digitized and stored in an effective manner today will be accessible to ALL FUTURE HUMAN BEINGS! And if our advancement continues the trend of the 20th century, we could see TRILLIONS of people scattered among the stars within next few millennia. So ANYTHING you produce in your lifetime which can be digitized can be stored and made available for an audience of trillions. But there are a couple of problems. First, how can you be sure your files will make it into the collective archive of humanity? And second, once they make it there, and wind up in every home, spaceship, undersea colony, and the like, how can you be sure even a single person will OPEN your file? Well, this is what Fonosta is all about. Osoa is committed to establishing a strong and prominent archive of all Fonostas, which we will make sure is included in whatever archive of humanity is devised. As far as being noticed, this is a far greater challenge than simply being included in future databanks. But in this, Osoans have a great advantage. First of all, this is the first generation where such an endeavor as preparing a life's work for digitization is being realized. Since we are the first, we will get increased attention from futurians. But Osoa is not only in existence to store people's life's work--it's also an endeavor to explore the myriad realms of Obliviana--a major new human endeavor which I believe will be of great interest to futurians. But for today, your Fonosta is your Osoan Identity, something through which you'll play Osoa and have common ground with numerous other people. As detailed in the next section, you'll begin your Fonosta making a bunch of selections from a wide variety of options. This will get your Fonosta going, and prevent it from being a "blank slate" to start with, as well as defining your opening position in Osoa. So get to it! Establishing and upgrading your Fonosta is absolutely free via e-mail--and right now, at the beginning, you have an opportunity to have one of the first Fonostas to be registered! So go for it! *OW* [[09001EF]] How to Establish Your Fonosta Establishing your Fonosta is fun and easy. You'll basically make a number of decisions on the nature of your Fonosta and then e-mail these choices to obliviana@aol.com. If you aren't able to send e-mail, you can send a real letter, along with SASE and $1 to Obliviana Super Occult Amusement, 37 Gill Lane, Suite 119, Iselin, NJ 08830, USA. Either way, you'll be sent back a verification of registration, along with the initial status of a number of variables. First, we need some personal information. This information is strictly confidential, and is used only for internal purposes. Your name and address will NOT be used on any mailing list, electronic or otherwise. We will NEVER send you unsolicited mail, electronic or otherwise. [1] PERSONAL INFORMATION NAME: Your real name (required). ADDRESS: Your real address (required). PHONE NUMBER: Your voice phone number (optional). E-MAIL ADDRESS: Disregard if you don't have one. SEX. Male or female. Optional, but we'd greatly prefer no response over a false or "cute" answer. INTERESTS. This is optional--a brief passage describing yourself and your interests. PERSONAL INFO INCLUSION. When your Fonosta is announced in OsoaWeek, certain bits of personal information may be included. This is completely up to you--but as a precaution, we won't run real addresses or voice phone numbers. Choose: NONE: none of it will appear. STANDARD: State, City, and Sex will appear. OTHER: Please specify which elements you want to appear. GOT OSOAWEEK FROM: Where did you get your copy of OsoaWeek from? [2] THE ELEMENTS OSOA FLOWER: Choose 1 of 11 (see (10001IF)--In the Flowers, below) PRIMAL DIGS: Choose 1 of 19 (see (11001OP)--Obliviana Primal Beat, below) ANTEBELLUM BELLUM: Choose 1 of 118 (see (12001AB)--Antebellum, below) QUANXACTIVE TEAM: Choose 1 of 15 (see 15 QUANXACTIVE TEAMS, below) TARB: Choose 1 of 42 (see 42 TARBS, below) OSOATOTEM: Choose 2 of 83 (see 83 TOTEMS, below) SENTENCE: Choose (from the text of any issue of OsoaWeek) or write your personal sentence, up to 180 characters in length. FONOSTA COLORS: Determine two main colors and a single trim color. (see FONOSTA COLORS, below) FONOSTA NAME: Create your Obliviana Name. (see FONOSTA NAME, below) FONOSTA DEVICE: Determine the blueprint of your device. (see FONOSTA DEVICE, below) SAMPLE FONOSTA Fonosta Establishment 8/3/94 Gerald Forbes 33 Hightower Lane Meadow Springs, NJ 07456 (609) 555-2827 gforbes@weiner.com Sex: Male Interests: golf, basketball, reading Inclusion: Standard Got OsoaWeek From: America Online Flower 4: Pussy Willow Harvest Primal Digs 8: Primal Maritime Denim (Ag/Su/F) Quanxactive 15: Team Unicorn (8) 6am Tue to 10am Tue: Layontarb Totems: Clock & Monkey Sentence: "Regard the silly nakedness of her yawn. " Colors: Spring, Brown, and Trim: White Name: Gerry the Aggressor Device: The letter "G". 15 QUANXACTIVE TEAMS Quanxactive 1: Team Blade Quanxactive 2: Team Chaos Quanxactive 3: Team Checkmate Quanxactive 4: Team Dragon Quanxactive 5: Team Drifter Quanxactive 6: Team Fusion Quanxactive 7: Team Ghost Quanxactive 8: Team Hound Dog Quanxactive 9: Team Inferno Quanxactive 10: Team Laser Quanxactive 11: Team Paradox Quanxactive 12: Team Predator Quanxactive 13: Team Spacefarer Quanxactive 14: Team Supreme Being Quanxactive 15: Team Unicorn 42 TARBS (1) 2am Mon to 6am Mon: Nixtarb (2) 6am Mon to 10am Mon: Dawtarb (3) 10am Mon to 2pm Mon: Splibtarb (4) 2pm Mon to 6pm Mon: Haffentarb (5) 6pm Mon to 10pm Mon: Logantarb (6) 10pm Mon to 2am Tue: Gilairtarb (7) 2am Tue to 6am Tue: Mozaxtarb (8) 6am Tue to 10am Tue: Layontarb (9) 10am Tue to 2pm Tue: Caviltarb (10) 2pm Tue to 6pm Tue: Sayeltarb (11) 6pm Tue to 10pm Tue: Nocopotarb (12) 10pm Tue to 2am Wed: Baztarb (13) 2am Wed to 6am Wed: Goingtarb (14) 6am Wed to 10am Wed: Boriantarb (15) 10am Wed to 2pm Wed: Haytarb (16) 2pm Wed to 6pm Wed: Telltarb (17) 6pm Wed to 10pm Wed: Prelhuxtarb (18) 10pm Wed to 2am Thu: Abagomtarb (19) 2am Thu to 6am Thu: Caimamtarb (20) 6am Thu to 10am Thu: Duveristarb (21) 10am Thu to 2pm Thu: Zamaheltarb (22) 2pm Thu to 6pm Thu: Wrentarb (23) 6pm Thu to 10pm Thu: Jofeltarb (24) 10pm Thu to 2am Fri: Faprintarb (25) 2am Fri to 6am Fri: Lithibixtarb (26) 6am Fri to 10am Fri: Gwolltarb (27) 10am Fri to 2pm Fri: Knalptarb (28) 2pm Fri to 6pm Fri: Feegogintarb (29) 6pm Fri to 10pm Fri: Catwirltarb (30) 10pm Fri to 2am Sat: Obemtarb (31) 2am Sat to 6am Sat: Valltarb (32) 6am Sat to 10am Sat: Jloiftarb (33) 10am Sat to 2pm Sat: Eltimiptarb (34) 2pm Sat to 6pm Sat: Reftatarb (35) 6pm Sat to 10pm Sat: Zoontarb (36) 10pm Sat to 2am Sun: Buffhopatarb (37) 2am Sun to 6am Sun: Holotarb (38) 6am Sun to 10am Sun: Daytarb (39) 10am Sun to 2pm Sun: Screetarb (40) 2pm Sun to 6pm Sun: Divgeqtarb (41) 6pm Sun to 10pm Sun: Evostarb (42) 10pm Sun to 2am Mon: Nethertarb 83 TOTEMS Aircraft, Arrow, Bear, Bird, Blade, Boardgame, Book, Box, Braid, Breeze, Bridge, Bug, Building, Candle, Car, Cards, Castle, Cat's Cradle, Chair, Clock, Coffee, Crescent, Crowbar, Daze, Dice, Door, Dragon, Explosion, Fairie, Fence, Fire, Fish, Flora, Ghost, Graffiti, Gun, Hallway, Hammer, Hand, Highway, Ink, Joker, Magic, Map, Math, Monkey, Motorcycle, Mountain, Music, Nuclear, Optic, Origami, Patriot, Penny, Pinball, Planetarium, Predator, Railroad, Reptile, Robot, Roller Coaster, Saw, Scarecrow, Scribble, Smoke, Sphere, Spiral, Star, Sun, Tank, Thunderstorm, Tiger, Triangle, Trophy, Tubing, UFO, Unicorn, Video Arcade, Volcano, Waterfall, Web, Wings, Wood FONOSTA COLORS You have two main colors and one trim color. The two main colors are determined by your Flower and Digs. Each of these will give you either a single color or a choice of several colors (such as "green family", which would be any of the three greens). The trim color is totally up to you--choose from the 30 colors below. Pink--any light red Red--any medium Brick--any dark red Peach--any light orange Orange--any medium orange Pumpkin--any dark orange Lemon--any light yellow Yellow-any medium yellow Golden--any dark yellow Spring--any light green Green--any medium green Pine--any dark green Cyan--any light blue Blue--any medium blue Navy--any dark blue Violet--any light purple Purple--any medium purple Indigo--any dark purple Wolf--any light gray Gray--any medium gray Stormcloud--any dark gray Beige--any light brown Brown--any medium brown Coffee--any dark brown Black--black White--white OTHER COLORS Magenta Aquamarine Yellow-Green Blue-Gray FONOSTA NAME Your Fonosta Name is the name you'll be known by in Osoa. It consists of a personal component, devised entirely by you, and other components, based on the other elements in your Fonosta, with a variety of structural choices. PERSONAL COMPONENT This is the central name you'll be known by. It must be at least 2 characters long and no more than 20 characters long. It may contain any combination of letters and numbers, so long as the first character is a capital letter. OTHER COMPONENTS There are a number of other potential components for use in your Fonosta Name. These are listed, along with their abbreviations, which will be used in the set of name structures. Osoa Flower (*of)--the entire name of your Osoa Flower, such as "Snapdragon Bite". Flora Alone (*fa)--just the flower name of your Osoa Flower, such as "Lupin". Flowertype Alone (*ft)--just the type name of your Osoa Flower, such as "Scribble". Primal Digs (*pd)--the entire name of your Primal Digs, such as "Roller Coaster Basin". Bellum Name (*be)--the entire name of your chosen Bellum, such as "Kissinger". Bellum Profile (*bp)--either the first of the two profiles, the second, both, or both in reverse order, such as "Clock", "Wild", "Destroyer Martial", or "Martial Destroyer". Quanxactive Team Name (*qt)--the name of your Quanxactive team, such as " Team Checkmate". Tarb (*tr)--the name of your Tarb, such as "Duveristarb". OsoaTotem (*ot)--the first of your two OsoaTotems, the second, or both in either order, such as "Video Arcade", "Hallway", "Thunderstorm Tiger", or "Fairie Reptile" NAME STRUCTURES All name structures include your Personal Component (*PC), and then add other components to it in a variety of ways. To complete your Fonosta Name, choose one of the structures below, then choose the specific component names to go in. Each one has an example, using the arbitrary Personal Component "Danny". (*PC) of Obliviana (ie, "Danny of Obliviana") (*PC) of Osoa (ie, "Danny of Osoa") Osoan (*PC) (ie, "Osoan Danny") (*PC) the Osoan (ie, "Danny the Osoan") (*of) (*PC) (ie, "Daffodil Scribble Danny") (*fa) (*PC) (ie, "Lily-of-the-Valley Danny") (*ft) (*PC) (ie, "Lazy Danny") (*PC) of (*pd) (ie, "Danny of Salt Meadow Road") (*PC), (*be)'s (Friend, Pal, Sidekick, or Chum) (ie, "Danny, Pain Jolo's Pal") (*bp) (*PC) (ie, "Northern Astronaut Danny") (*PC) the (*bp) (ie, "Danny the Techno Ruminant") (*PC) of (*qt) (ie, "Danny of Team Ghost") (*ot) (*PC) (ie, "Nuclear Predator Danny") (*PC) the (*ot) (ie, "Danny the Joker") FONOSTA DEVICE Your Fonosta Device is a graphical sign which may be rendered specifically in any way you like so long as it follows the general blueprint defined for it... The Border is the first component of your Fonosta Device. The shape of the border is determined by your Flower, and the design of the border is determined by the Digs--see the Flowers and Digs lists for the specific shapes and designs. Inside the border is simply a graphical representation of your two OsoaTotems. They can be separate, interactive, or combined in some way. Outside the border, there are two elements of your choosing. One is any single typographical character, which can be the first letter of the Personal Component of your Fonosta Name, or anything else--not limited to ASCII. It can be a Cyrillic, Greek, Chinese, dingbat, or any other character--but it must be describable. The other component is a set of dots and other little symbols which will represent your level of achievement in Osoa--and every Fonosta Device begins with three dots, which can be put wherever you want outside the border. So, in your Fonosta Establishment, all you need to list for your Fonosta Device is the typographic character of your choice. *OW* [[10001IF]] In the Flowers The eleven Osoa Flowers are all the basic strategies of exploring Obliviana. Each has a unique focus and way of looking at the issue. Choose the one which you most identify with--and remember, choosing one doesn't preclude you from doing things in any of the other Flowers--and you can change your Flower in the future as well if you desire. So here are the Osoa Flowers, along with brief descriptions. See future issues of OsoaWeek for more a more detailed look at the Flowers. But for now, this should give you the general idea! FLOWER 1: Foxglove Plug The electronic realm, irrelevance of the physical, fonts, Classictronica (classic video games), clip textures, programs, utilities, and secrets. (red family--circle) FLOWER 2: Snapdragon Bite Short audiovisual segments, video and sound snippets, Xappen, other sorts of bites. (orange family--square) FLOWER 3: Daffodil Scribble Disorder, destruction, and confusion. Worn-out, crazy, random, and gibberish. Mixing all sorts of stuff together, such as beverages, foods, etc. Boxes'o'Stuff, cool assortments of things. Messy writing and out-of-control typography. (yellow family--triangle) FLOWER 4: Pussy Willow Harvest Obliviana Artifacts, gathering items, object historian, baubles, spheres connoisseur, books as items, collecting water from a variety of sources, and Super Objects. Confounder, cool little electromechanical diversions. Aversion to electronica and the virtual. (green family--rectangle) FLOWER 5: Dandelion Lost 209. Strange, night, clocks, chess, and mirrors. Weirdness engines, nothingness, holes, and shadows. Candles, incense, and smoke. Dashic, Friction Enhancer, and Wield of Transit. Swift, speeding along, and coffee. Wandering, getting lost. (blue family--crescent) FLOWER 6: Forget-me-not Stream Peaceful, rocks, wood, nature, beauty, serenity, sand, spider webs, visions. (purple family--hexagon) FLOWER 7: Crocus Basis Philosophy, philosophical combat, Actuality Destructor, and theories on the nature of reality. Severe Repair, and the realms of imaginary universes and their mechanics. (black & white--heptagon) FLOWER 8: Lupin Lazy The low-impact, easy way to play! Requires a minimum amount of attention and involvement. (gray family--oval) FLOWER 9: Honeysuckle Rover Exploring places, delving into different sorts of locations and comparing them. Finding all sorts of cool stuff and reviewing it for people. Irreverent, fun, brainy life. Halfevil Times and Hemisinister Review. (brown family--octagon) FLOWER 10: Lily-of-the-Valley Whim Little games, decks of cards, and diversions. Whimsical worlds, childishness, fairies, and wonders. Origami, cat's cradle, and meanderliterature. Blamnoom, Deluge of Primacy, Vamershee, and Buildings of Yontaro. (magenta/aquamarine--pentagon) FLOWER 11: Black-eyed Susan Crest/Aquamarine Sign and symbols, visual identity, and devices. Codingseeds, and all sorts of communication. Hidden messages, naming everything, overlay on reality, recording, and shows. (yellow-green/blue-gray--cross) *OW* [[11001OP]] Obliviana Primal Beat Obliviana Primal is the virtual universe of Osoa. Right now, it is in the first stages of its creation--but one day, it will go online as a fully 3-D, virtual universe where you can live and play and use as a home base for your wanderings throughout the Digital Superworld. Choose the place you'd most like to live! PRIMAL DIGS 1: Campus Mount The center of Obliviana Primal, a mountain in the middle of it all! (pink/peach--rough, worn thick solid line) PRIMAL DIGS 2: Primal Nation The vast country surrounding Campus Mount, with a huge variety of places. (lemon/spring--row of empty sequences of triangle, square, and circle) PRIMAL DIGS 3: Primal Space Far above Primal Nation is OP's version of outer space, complete with space stations, starships, comets, planets, and the like! (cyan/violet--row of stars) PRIMAL DIGS 4: Roller Coaster Basin Bordering Primal Nation, this is a realm of thousands of roller coasters, connecting thousands of platforms and places! (wolf/beige--row of solid squares) PRIMAL DIGS 5: Train Set Crossing all of OP, this is a place where railroads rule, with some train cars as big as ocean liners hurtling along the rails! (red/orange--train tracks (two solid lines, with dashes cutting through both lines perpendicularly)) PRIMAL DIGS 6: Sawdust Winter A desolate and mysterious area surrounding Primal Nation. (yellow/green--scribbled line) PRIMAL DIGS 7: Forceway Point Building An immense building, miles tall, rising out of the farthest reaches of Sawdust Winter. (blue/purple--row of alternating solid triangles) PRIMAL DIGS 8: Primal Maritime From the seaport near Campus Mount to an array of ships and islands on the Obliviana Sea, this is seafaring at its best! (gray/brown--chain) PRIMAL DIGS 9: Slumberdaze Atoll A group of islands in the Obliviana Sea where dreams and reality, hallucinations and daydreams merge together into an amazing and confusing psychedelic experience! (brick/pumpkin--Line of solid circles of varying size) PRIMAL DIGS 10: Foreign Country Far across the Obliviana Sea, a delightful land where quaint and traditional customs combine with breathtaking scenery to create a splendid place! (golden/pine--thorns) PRIMAL DIGS 11: Sphere A huge sphere which floats in the skies of Obliviana Primal, with all manner of places on its surface. (navy/indigo--row of empty circles) PRIMAL DIGS 12: Octagon A giant, floating eight-sided platform, which like Sphere, floats all over Obliviana Primal, and with wonderful places upon it! (stormcloud/coffee--double wavy line (like infinite vertically-connected 8's)) PRIMAL DIGS 13: Needle The third of the three major gigantic floating things, this is a huge needle which hovers vertically, with folks living all along the shaft! (black--single solid line) PRIMAL DIGS 14: Salt Meadow Road A neverending road, with onramps and offramps leading all over OP, and all manner of roadside attractions, accommodations, and the like. (white--road (2 solid lines with dashed line between the two)) PRIMAL DIGS 15: Weasel Village Mall An infinite mall, with entrances and exits to other parts of OP, and all the shopping and entertainment you could ever want! (magenta--row of connected X's) PRIMAL DIGS 16: Devastating Nightscape Eternally night, this desolate land is centered around driving, taking buses, trains, subways, airplanes and the like, to try and find the day. Stay in abandoned office buildings! (aquamarine--row of parentheses) PRIMAL DIGS 17: Bavin City Located on the inside of a massive cylinder with no outside, this city is built up on all sides, and the floor, and the roof! (yellow-green--lightning bolt) PRIMAL DIGS 18: New Jersey A recreation of the entire State of New Jersey, and home of Antebellum. (blue-gray--braid) PRIMAL DIGS 19: Tourney A cool place where the rest of OP is just a set of arenas for a vast tournament, this is where folks can really get above it all! (wildcolor (choose any)--wavy line) *OW* [[12001AB]] Antebellum Antebellum is a cool universe of characters who fight each other in New Jersey. Each fighter, or Bellum, has two Profiles, each of which is a description of a particular set of weapons, powers, and themes. Below is a list of Profiles, Bellums, and the Counties in which the Bellums reside. There are a lot to choose from, so just choose the Bellum which most strikes your fancy! PROFILES Here's the list of all 42 Profiles. The name is followed by its 2-letter code, the number of Bellums with that Profile, and a brief description. Aggressor (Ag/6)--powerful hand-to-hand fighter Archer (Ar/5)--wielding bow & arrow Astronaut (As/8)--in spacesuit Bandit (Ba/4)--pistol-packing criminal Bastard (Bs/6)--baseball-bat wielding brawler Bear (Be/6)--anthropomorphic ursan Bird (Bd/5)--in bird helmet and outfit Clock (Cl/5)--timepiece for face Deck (De/5)--wields deck of magical cards Destroyer (Ds/6)--wields destructive chaos blasts and powers Devil (Dv/6)--classic, complete with horns, tail, and pitchfork Fluid (Fl/6)--wields supply of liquid for a variety of purposes Fright (Fr/6)--a dark, nightmarish phantom Good (Go/6)--tight-fitting suit, amazing build, and cape Hammer (Ha/5)--wields a magical hammer Jester (Je/4)--a funny joker Lovely (Lo/9)--irresistibly attractive and charismatic Martial (Ma/8)--master of the martial arts Massive (Mv/7)--incredibly huge, enormously strong Menace (Me/4)--tosses an unlimited supply of whatever Metal (Mt/4)--made of metal Northern (No/4)--ice and snow powers Pest (Pe/6)--a weird little fairie Plastic (Pl/4)--stretchable and pliable Presto (Pr/6)--magical spells and charms Rain (Ra/5)--can manipulate storms, lightning, etc. Recluse (Re/4)--opens a doorway into a private little universe Rock (Ro/5)--made of rock Royal (Ry/9)--wields a blade and has a royal title Ruminant (Ru/4)--an anthropomorphic deer, pronghorn, etc. Scarecrow (Sc/6)--a scary animated scarecrow Settler (Se/5)--down to earth and wields a chainsaw Soldier (So/5)--wields big guns and has battle expertise Static (St/5)--weird disruptive and electrical powers Suit (Su/5)--wears a magical outfit Swift (Sw/4)--moves and runs very fast Tangle (Ta/6)--can entangle victims in ropes, chains., etc. Techno (Te/5)--cybernetic, high-tech, robotic, etc. Vagabond (Va/6)--teleportation and travel abilities Vocal (Vo/5)--voice can shatter, mind control, etc. Weaver (We/7)--can alter reality Wild (Wi/9)--furry, fanged, and clawed BELLUMS Here's the list of all 118 Bellums, sorted by the Counties in which they live. Each County has two Profiles associated with it, and the Bellum with those two Profiles is one of the Bellums living there. Also, the sex of each Bellum is listed as M for male or F for female. Refer to the above list for the Bellum's two Profiles. ATLANTIC COUNTY (Ru/Te) Beth Ann (Ar/Ry/F) Looping (Bs/Ta/M) Topday (Ru/Te/F) BERGEN COUNTY (So/Sw) Braid Magic (Pr/Ta/F) Dorian (Fr/Ry/M) Experwar (So/Sw/F) Lincoln (Sc/Ta/M) Lint (Be/Mv/M) Opiate (Ru/We/M) Senate (Ar/As/F) Syandirij (De/Mt/F) Tecumseh (Cl/Ha/M) U Zu Tiger (Ma/Wi/M) Weed Sneak (Pe/Re/M) Wintercindie (Lo/No/F) Yellow Sail (Dv/Ra/F) BURLINGTON COUNTY (Cl/Fr) Bee Leroy (Bs/Pe/M) Dime (As/Lo/F) Mustard (So/Va/M) Ragtag B (Ag/Sw/M) Stogie Cunning (We/Wi/M) Unhistory (Cl/Fr/M) CAMDEN COUNTY (Lo/Mt) Bad Frolic (Fr/Je/M) Chartoff (Ma/St/F) Copper Dear (Lo/Mt/F) Detergent (Fl/Te/M) Devastorm L (Ra/Sc/F) Rather (Re/We/F) Snip Jinxin (Pe/Ry/M) Window Feline (Va/Wi/F) CAPE MAY COUNTY (Ag/Su) Denim (Ag/Su/F) CUMBERLAND COUNTY (Be/Bs) Denature (Be/Bs/M) Vote Lobe Seahose (Ta/Te/F) ESSEX COUNTY (Ro/Se) Burle (Pr/Ry/M) Carbon Giovanni (Ro/Se/M) Cast Iron Shore (Mv/Mt/M) Honey Friend (Be/Fl/M) Lactose Prawn Paste Conifer (Pl/Te/M) Lunar Lander (As/Ha/M) Pinecone Baby (Me/Wi/F) Quaze (St/Sw/M) Snuffy (Dv/Fr/M) The Ice Grand Free (No/Va/M) Theory Scump (Pe/We/M) Xermit (Ba/Be/M) GLOUCESTER COUNTY (Pl/St) Gloags (Pl/St/M) Hang Darren (Dv/Ta/M) Joint (Pr/Se/F) Land Weasel Record (Sw/Wi/F) HUDSON COUNTY (Ds/Ta) Black Bloodgun (Go/So/M) Flaw (Bd/Ry/F) Indigo Seaguy (Ra/Vo/M) L Fierce (Ag/We/M) Pain Jolo (Ba/Se/M) Pony (Lo/Ma/F) Slob (Ds/Ta/M) Yocto (As/Mv/M) HUNTERDON COUNTY (Ma/Vo) Vire Archid (Me/Mt/F) Zenith Ching (Ma/Vo/M) MERCER COUNTY (Va/We) Any Major Dude (Va/We/M) Fiat (Ro/Ru/M) Ford (Ar/Vo/F) Forget It (Ds/St/M) Heron Souler (Bd/Ma/M) MIDDLESEX COUNTY (Ha/Ry) Ale (Ha/Ry/M) Alps Vinegar (Ag/De/M) Cream(Fl/Go/F) Deeper (Cl/We/M) Faznazia (Pr/Su/F) Fiddle (Sc/Se/M) Liopis (Ra/Ro/M) React (Ma/No/F) Suffer (Dv/Lo/F) The Mask Robont (As/Be/M) MONMOUTH COUNTY (Re/Wi) Consumer (Ds/Dv/M) Daphne (Ry/Vo/F) Historic Town (Ar/Go/M) Leakjast (Bs/Se/M) Pail (Fl/Pe/M) Rummy (De/Pl/M) Slyjune (Re/Wi/F) Soda (Be/Su/M) MORRIS COUNTY (Ar/Ra) Coralhith (De/Ro/M) Dustahev (As/Bs/M) Hemmingway (Ma/Mv/M) Hunting (Lo/So/F) Megan (Ar/Ra/F) Milk (Ag/Va/M) OCEAN COUNTY (Fl/Je) Capterzac (Ru/Su/M) Fairwarn (Bd/Va/F) Get Lost (Ds/Ma/F) Holly Duel (Ba/Lo/F) Liger (Ry/Wi/M) Nanticoke (Go/Ha/F) Oil (Fl/Je/F) PASSAIC COUNTY (De/Sc) Cardinal Iowa (Bd/Ha/M) Careless (Ds/Lo/F) Darn (Me/Pl/M) E Spirit (Fl/Fr/F) Italic (Je/Ry/F) Kissinger (Mv/Wi/M) Worry (De/Sc/M) SALEM COUNTY (Pr/Go) Evening Thrill (Pr/Go/F) SOMERSET COUNTY (As/No) Freckle (Ag/Re/F) Freshener (As/No/M) Happy Jeth (Je/Sc/M) Soothzolt (Cl/St/M) SUSSEX COUNTY (Ba/Bd) Moto Z Frenz (Ba/Bd/M) Unhope (As/Fr/F) UNION COUNTY (Me/Pe) Amplifier (Go/Vo/M) Beauty Straw (Lo/Sc/F) Eon Mane (Cl/Wi/M) Foolish Billiard (Me/Pe/M) Outfit J (Ba/Su/F) Pave God (Mv/Ro/M) Recrea Outcast (So/Te/F) Scramble (Ds/Pr/M) WARREN COUNTY (Dv/Mv) Bread (Dv/Mv/M) *OW* [[13001HR]] Hemisinister Review ***MOVIES*** SIRENS A wonderfully naked Elle Macphereson along with four other beauties makes this excellent film exquisite. TRUE LIES Schwartzenegger recovers powerfully from last year's good but horribly-received "Last Action Hero" with this awesome, eminently enjoyable comedy action thriller with a heck of a lot going for it. THE LION KING Far more mature, rich, and smart than any recent Disney animated feature, this is engaging cinema for all ages. They dealt with the issue of the lions eating other animals quite well, also. EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES This film is a horrible mess, but Gus Van Sant's potent directorial voice elevates this otherwise pathetic bit of cinema to great heights. The late River Phoenix's sister, Rain, has a delightful screen presence, as opposed to star Uma Thurman, who is less than dead wood. SURVIVING THE GAME A very cool little film with an impressive cast. Rutger Hauer and friends trick homeless Ice-T into joining their hunting expedition--but the erstwhile rapper quickly discovers that HE is the prey. FORREST GUMP Not all it's cracked up to be, this much-too-long and overly-ambitious project is more of a circus than a movie. Awesome war scenes, cool digital effects, great music, and genuine humor shine in this otherwise shaky conglomeration of history, relationships, and the supposedly profound insights of a retarded fool. This is what happens when you try to cram everything under the sun into a film. BACKBEAT This movie about the Beatle's early days in Germany is interesting, but lacks the spark of vitality that could have made it great. The real Pete Best must love this sort of film. THE CROW Brandon Lee is a joke, really, compared with his father, but the fact that Brandon died while shooting this film makes it a little more interesting. The plot is so formula, however, the respectable atmospherics can't quite make it a good movie. BABY'S DAY OUT I was puzzled by this well-done film, as to why they did it. While certainly watchable, it is ultimately a tiring exercise of plodding through a fictitious children's book. Lara Flynn Boyle, as Baby Bink's mother, is a real downer here. Also, do kids really enjoy seeing criminals get their testicles demolished in such a variety of ways? CLEAN SLATE This small, confused, pathetic movie about amnesia left me quite numb. Dana Carvey is capable of much more. THE FLINTSTONES Folks seem to be dazzled by the sparse portion of special effects here, for some reason, but really, everything about this film sucks and it is an insult to the original TV show. The "Univershell" logo over Pangea was a bit amusing, though. THUMBELINA One of the worst films I've ever seen, and the Animaniacs short at the beginning was horrific--they looked and sounded the same, but Wakko, Yakko and Dot had utterly different, castrated personalities. I observed lots of terrifically bored, frightened youngsters in the theater during this film. ***PENS, ETC.*** CRAYOLA'S 16 NEW COLORS OF 1993 The idea here is that the new crayon colors were named in a massive contest. The winners' names and ages are listed on each crayon (12 female, 4 male, with an average age of 27--not kid stuff). All in all, it's a pretty cool set of new colors and names, with around half being excellent. These are available now in a "Limited Edition" box of 96 for around $6. Here's the lowdown on each color (ages of winners in parentheses--their names are unremarkable). "denim"--The best of the new lot, an undeniably cool name and a good strong blue color (44). "macaroni and cheese"--An inspired name and a great orange color, bright and smooth (6). "timber wolf"--Satisfyingly menacing (42). "robin's egg blue"--A wonderful and vivid reference (8). "tumbleweed"--Evokes atmospheric images of the wasteland (33). "purple mountain's majesty"--Good name, but the color is anything but majestic (89). "pacific blue"--Nice color--cool name, too (40). "shamrock"--It's the green of the popularized St Patrick's--not a real shamrock--but pretty good anyway (11). "tickle me pink"--Not such a good color, but the name definitely has erotic connotations (12). "asparagus"--A needed and fine color which is near real asparagus (45). "tropical rain forest"--Political issues aside, this does evoke a nice image (6). "wisteria"--A nice light purple, which I guess is the color of a wisteria (17). "granny smith apple"--This weak green could have been better served by a different name, I think (11). "cerise"--I'm not familiar with the term, and the color isn't so great (32). "mauvelous"--A crappy color and even crappier name (31). "razzmatazz"--An idiotic name and a gross color--that's why it finished last!(5.5). *OW* [[14001HT]] Halfevil Times HALFEVIL TIMES HOROSCOPE Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) That Ayn Rand doll of yours has to go. Treat the little Chinese monsters in your sock drawer to some pie. Lug eighteen jars of tungsten to Madagascar, or face the consequences. A heavily salted avocado will bring you some happiness. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) That nerve specialist in 2-B just imploded--and he never even returned your pliers. Say bye bye to inertia all next month. Pay no heed to the dirigibles dropping pamphlets about your personal hygiene problems all over the city. Time travel to 1987 and leave beef bullion cubes from 1994 in K-Mart--you can't imagine the damage you'll cause to the timestream! Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) George Lucas just loved your idea for the Baby Wampas cartoon. A financial matter will cause you to stick your hand into an impala's gaping wound. Sell your Guardian Angel to Satan to buy those encyclopedias you've been eyeing. Your innermost thoughts are subject to peer review. Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) That space heater you put on the Bonneville Salt Flats is starting to bear fruit. Pray for the destruction of The Lemonheads. If you believe in your heart that your uvula is evil, it probably is. Dry a long ton of Play-Doh in the midday sun and Fedex it to Biosphere 2. Gemini (May 21-Jun 21) I don't care if you are Neptune's granddaughter--the Panama Canal is not your personal wading pool. Pulverize Pam. You may call tagging Jehovah's Witnesses to study their migratory habits performance art, but the FBI calls it 450 years in Federal prison. Create a gelatinous personal computer to gain acceptance at the "cool" table. Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 22) That massive sculpture of Devil's Tower in your bedroom won't impress the sci-fi fan in your life as much as you think it will. Pry apart Johnny. Ignore alarmists who warn of injury as a result of the government's ban on steering wheels. Don't eat the Caviar & Dristan popsicles just because everyone else is. Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22) Your lifetime supply of blue corn chips just ran out. Grant that elderly bear in your life his last wish--a personal audience with Jane Pauly. Sing a song of adipose tissue. The sentient snow tire clinging to your ceiling may be more useful than you think. Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) Glorify twigs. If Carl's so intent on tranquilizing you, let him tranquilize you. Try to ignore the newt hovering in your cubicle. Being a security guard is a drag, but at least you get to frisk that Beverly person twice a day. Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23) Bring a sopping wet ferret to the Price Club. Your weekly visit to Radio Shack will be curtailed by Jupiter colliding with the Earth. Congratulations--your collection of People Magazine required the death of over 800,000 trees. Lenny's the one. Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21) Picking lice out of that car salesman's hair may just get you the lower price you're looking for. Even a zillion limes couldn't save you this time. Grind a camcorder lens into dust and feed it to a Canadian. You've eaten enough mints in your lifetime to feed the entire city of Monte Carlo for 45 minutes. Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Yes, of course Kurt Cobain will come back to life just like Superman did. Your Hair Bear Bunch Halloween costume is now worth it's weight in plutonium. Those peanut farmers on TV are a bunch of pansies. Lick the terra cotta manticore. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Lord knows what country those Mentos commercials are coming from. The little lemur in your office is amusing, but does he really deserve a seven-figure salary? Watch 2001 in a Motel Six in Manitoba. Grab a coat, where you're going the last thing you want to worry about is the average day temperature of 8 Kelvin. *OW* [[15001MB] Assignment: Mystery Box ASSIGNMENT: MYSTERY BOX Starring Peter Litkey Hi folks! Welcome to the very first weekly installment of Assignment: Mystery Box. Every week, the star of the show, Peter Litkey, will receive a sealed mystery box containing a secret item (chosen by Lord of Obliviana Frank Edward Nora himself). Upon receipt of the Mystery Box, Peter must resist opening it for a full 4 hours! Then he must make a prediction of what exactly the box contains (to test his psychic and/or common sense abilities). Then Peter opens the box and discovers what is within! Once Peter has the object, he will put it through a rigorous, and potentially embarrassing battery of assignments. Peter will be graded on how well he performs these assignments, and the results will be here every week! This Week's Mystery Item: "Polly Pocket" with her "Pretty Pandas" (a little girlie toy) "Hi. This is Pete, it's July 19th, it's about 8:30 at night, and I've been waiting for 8-and-a-half hours to open the Mystery Box. My prediction is that what's in the box are a bunch of erasers. I am now about to open the Mystery Box... Oh my god! Oh god! I can't believe this. This is a Polly Pocket Pretty Pandas collection. I think I'm gonna be getting a lot of weird responses with this Mystery Item. And I was far off when I said it was a bunch of erasers!" MYSTERY ITEM ASSIGNMENTS "It is July 20th, 5:30. My experience with the Mystery Item was pretty interesting..." [1] Play with the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "just too childish" [2] Sleep with the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "just too weird--I didn't feel right about it" [3] Display the Mystery Item on your desk at work for at least one day. (X) Accept  (  ) Decline "nobody asked about it--nobody" [4] Ask as many people as possible what they think of the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "I was afraid that people might think I'm a little bit too way off" [5] Offer to lend the Mystery Item to someone for a day and see if they accept. (X) Accept  (  ) Decline "they declined" [6] Place the Mystery Item on your head for one minute--in public. (X) Accept  (  ) Decline "I was given a really weird response--thinking that I'm nuts or something" [7] Taste the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "it's nothing to be eaten" [8] Weigh the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "I just wasn't interested" [9] Come up with a nickname for the Mystery Item. (X) Accept  (  ) Decline "Heart-Shaped House" [10] Dispose of the Mystery Item by... ...keeping it for yourself. (  ) ...giving it away as a gift. (  ) ...throwing it in the trash. (X) ...burying it in the woods. (  ) ...utterly destroying it. (  ) ...tossing it into the Atlantic Ocean. (  ) ...mailing it to British Prime Minister John Major. (  ) Conclusion: "This Mystery Item was pretty boring. And it really wasn't anything interesting. Um, I am looking forward to the next Mystery Box, though." Grade: B. The lack of risk-taking and the uninspired method of disposal would ordinarily earn a C, but considering it's Pete's first time, he gets a whole grade point added. Good effort Pete, but try and be a little more daring next time! *OW* [[16001NJ]] New Jersey New Jersey is the greatest place on Earth, and in this feature, I'll be giving you some of the most excellent places to go and things to do in the Garden State! VIDEO GAME CONNECTIONS Howell (908) 462-8343 The video game industry is now bigger than the film industry--but buying video games these days is an expensive and confusing process--especially since most stores which stock new games charge an arm-and-a-leg, and their employees are utterly indifferent and ignorant about video games. But fret no more--Video Game Connections--located on Rt. 9 North, a few miles North of Rt. 195, at the Basics Flea Market, has the experts and the answers. Not only are new games sold for less than at the mall or Toys'R'Us, but a wide selection of used games are also available. You can also sell your used games for a lot more than other places give you. But the real treasure at VGC is its vast selection of classic video games, no longer available in stores. You'll find lots of Atari 2600, 5200, and 7800 games, as well as Colecovision, Intellivision, Sega Master System, and even Vectrex games! And these are all available for a fraction of their original cost! If you take my advice, you'll start collecting classic video games NOW before it really catches on, and prices really go up! And Video Game Connections is an excellent place to start your search. IKEA Elizabeth (908) 289-4488 Ikea, the Swedish furniture superstore, is a very cool place located just off exit 13A of the New Jersey Turnpike. It's an excellent place to explore and relax, with cool showrooms (where no salesmen approach you), a warehouse, several restaurants, and lots of nooks and crannies. The coolest thing to do is get a little something to eat and some coffee at the upstairs restaurant in the mid to late afternoon on a weekday, when there are few people there, and sit and watch the cars on the Turnpike and the airplanes taking off from Newark airport--it'll make you feel like things are HAPPENING in the world. It's also nice to see a New Jersey flag waving proudly in the breeze (along with U.S. and Swedish flags). With everything else you could need--rest rooms, water fountains, payphones, ATM machine, and the like, Ikea is an ideal stop on your explorations into Obliviana. Only 3% sales tax, too! *OW* [[17001ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: ZOPE & A VICTIM OF BEVERAGE HOSTILITY TIN ALLEY RASCAL: "Ah! Hello there Zope. So good to see you. Would you like to come to the antique fair with me?" Zope, with mustache, glares at Tin Alley Rascal. TIN ALLEY RASCAL: "Are you quite all right?" ZOPE: "I don't know who this 'Zope' guy is--but he must be a real turd if he goes to antique shows with the likes of you!" TIN ALLEY RASCAL (taken aback): "Well if you aren't Zope, then who are you, if I might ask?" ZOPE: "My name is Lester Gulpem, Savior to the Parched Masses. My new line of beverages will be on store shelves in a week. Care for a sneak preview?" TIN ALLEY RASCAL: "Er--beverages? Come now, Zope! This charade of yours is causing me a great deal of stress!" ZOPE (smiling): "Come over here, my confused friend! Behold--the future of liquid refreshment!" A showcase of cans of soda is revealed: Lummy--Pancake Beverage Squotha--Hash Brown Beverage Hander--Pasta Beverage Existy!--Pretzel Beverage Tebble--Eggplant Parmigiana Beverage Fra--Olive & Strawberry Beverage Thids--Marzipan Beverage Ealnue--Mustard Beverage Blale--Succotash Beverage Xob--Leather Beverage TIN ALLEY RASCAL: "My goodness! What a motley assortment!" ZOPE (ignoring Tin Alley Rascal): "Psst, over here. There were two other flavors, but my bastard distributor rejected them." TIN ALLEY RASCAL: "Whatever could they be, my good man?" Zope shows Tin Alley Rascal two cans of soda: Bojint--Veal-Ammonia-Marshmallow Beverage Slycraz--Relish-Taffy-Venison Beverage ZOPE: "You seem like a reasonable guy. Taste these and tell me what you think. Maybe you could talk some sense into that scumbag distributor." TIN ALLEY RASCAL: "Well, er, you know I would Zope, er, I mean Lester. But I simply must get to the antique fair you know!" Zope pulls out a submachinegun and puts it to Tin Alley Rascal's head. ZOPE: "Drink up, friend. Or I'll do the same thing to you I did to those other distributors who wouldn't carry ANY of my brilliant beverages." TIN ALLEY RASCAL: "Dear me!" *OW* [[18001FE]] Friction Enhancer FRICTION ENHANCER 1: Mallball You'll need a car and some money for this (and also a lot of malls). Start by going to a mall and getting string or something similar (like wire, dental floss, ribbon, cassette tape, etc.) Then start rolling the string or whatever into a ball. Now go to another mall, and get a different stringlike product, and add it to the ball. Each addition to your Mallball requires a different mall and a different type of product. Once you've used yarn, for example, no more yarn or anything similar can be used. If you buy a cassette and pull the tape out, you can't then do the same thing to a videotape, since they're too similar. My first Mallball has 7 layers (twine, ribbon, "Tucker" soundtrack, mint dental floss, TV cable, yarn, and fishing line) and cost about $15. Keep the receipts as the Mallball's "papers". Obviously, as the Mallball gets bigger and bigger, it's harder to find more malls and different products. I'm planning on going for 21 layers sometime, but as of yet, 7 is the record. Also, all Mallballs must be entirely created within a single calendar day. *OW* [[19001SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 1 Hemidawn the racer, cracks the demishock of morn coursing through the dim. And into the arch of the former is the nixter, and for never the corner is the yarster. This is the fine design of the crying. Empty in derivation, and less on the keys than in the eye, heavy fingers upon the board, lane adored in dream. Found a pond and liked it. SUPERIOR 2 To you, o master of nothing, I bequeath this feather of entity. Find it near the hollow waterwheels. Go then foolish man and seek your struggle. My gift to you is plague. My wish, fall. Neverbeginning, the simple rivertrickle dandy in its whistle. The day has come, but very long for you. SUPERIOR 3 Neither the trowel nor the dame are languid. Look, the state of night far college drive. See, the girlfriend is just barely a friend, young nightmare. In sleep I know I think. A daze is my only seen in a mall with a games are good. No pretend car! SUPERIOR 4 Ponder sorts of emotions in malls, flee my construct, and eat a cake from a shelf. For the stone, I, the solid liquid, never before decided a fate as temporary as this. In ways, I terminate this building, paint a good sign. Please groove forever, my lusty love, for the good grain, bulbous, holy, and blasting, stems twigs as I walk along, can't compare to your form. A mathematician in a parking lot, inside the blankety-blank heat of her station wagon. Regard the silly nakedness of her yawn. If I wanna kick a door open, I'll do it   SUPERIOR 5 Anydaze will do cool focus mornings. Slender chicks nude in a vision, cute and steamy and ready, dressing. So the waterfall falls and the window down a road. Even in the evening, I corral a lot of fears and load them into a revolver and fire into the vast wheatfields of the occult, and delight in such a wonderful display of courage on the part of my dazzle. Now there near those woods special spirits patrol highways. Gone into the haze of dusk he chessed out, as a battler. Pawns are a good thing, but a nother way. Minions of mine are silly, but docile. Never unremember unlimber simmer for the tea! SUPERIOR 6 Lazy day and odd sun. Nine little pebbles remote in a vast deserted parking lot huddle together, speaking in relaxed whispers, having a little meeting. The clouds come. Thunder the darkening sky. Air the prime raindrops blossom forth in deluge collapsing onto the pavement. And the nine little pebbles have a little drink. SUPERIOR 7 Dank blended heart, pleasing all morons in matters of affairs of the bit match smoldering in saliva sanguinely. Less else is nonsense to snare. Bareful bugs in neat supple vim. College caterwaul, blaming of the vane. Stupid awards in afternoon breezes. SUPERIOR 8 Needed the tea am flimsy's. Trash the airport meadow. This, matter thru wonder, dazed weaver's undisaster. The drive rules, highway driving in cool weather. *OW* [[20001SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 1: "Bastard Dumb Luck Calling" Sitting in the hotel room as Bright was rising, Daptin Gone didn't want to make the phone call. He ran his hand through his long green hair and leaned back in his chair. His mind was wandering, seeking avenues of thought engaging enough to justify delaying the call. He looked out the window at the city below, at the people starting to throng, at the weird hospitals in the distance. He'd been in a hospital once. Cringing, he recalled in vivid horror the terminal illness he had had, and how easily he beat it, and that glorious place, and how things hadn't seemed to be working quite right. He mulled over the matter, as he had done so many times before. This whole superlife of his, which seemed to casually annihilate the infinite suffering of his miserable diseased state. Crushed it like stepping unknowing on a little spider. It all started in that place... Such a wonderful day, such an excellent place. Walking up the grassy hill, perfect sunlight and breezes, Daptin saw the rock and the fox on top of it jumping off. Near the rock was a blackboard with the words "Here is Canyon" scrawled across it. The little red fox trotted toward Daptin and said "You're late. Oh so very late." Daptin stopped. Fox approached and sat. "I knew you were still here." Fox said. "Sit, and I'll let you know what you missed." Daptin slowly sat down in the grass, mind racing, all so familiar. It was the beautiful smell in the air more than anything. "We're so far along." Fox said, shaking his head. "So few left." Daptin took a deep deep breath and smiled in recognition. He knew Fox. "And I'll be departed myself before the next time." Fox continued. "So few left." "Who?" Daptin asked, his voice sounding unusually rich. Fox sighed. "Twenty-five, including you and me." Daptin took a moment to think about it. "Twenty-five?" Daptin asked, dumbfounded. "Yes, and all of you were so far scattered that we only found you two Times ago. The absolute bottom of the well. All that's left." Daptin tried to remember more, but couldn't. "All the others have departed, returned to their lives. " Fox continued. Then, looking up at Daptin. "Who will find it?" Daptin met Fox's eyes and was struck with the little fellow's deep aura of being. "It?" Daptin asked. Instantly, Daptin was back in his bed at the hospital, the pain of his Hizzings Disease returning in a massive wave of horror. There was a game show on TV as he looked over at his roommate, Tag, who was sleeping. The pain made Daptin angry, and he tried to get out of the bed, but only managed to nudge himself a little and get light-headed. Half-conscious, Daptin saw a nurse walk into the room and emit a shocked "What?". She ran from the room, but her exclamation woke Tag, who looked over. "Holy crap! How'd you get back, man? We thought you did yourself in. Where've you been?" Daptin struggled to form the words through dry lips. "How long... have I..." "What, three or four days? I dunno. So where you been?" "I don't... know... for sure." "Huh. Well the police will sure want to talk to you. They grilled me for a couple of hours, y'know, man. They thought your family or maybe your girlfriend took you away and helped you commit suicide." "No." Daptin managed. "Well you have a lot of explaining to do, Daptin, my man." Daptin grunted. How frustrating it was, being strong and healthy one minute and so weak and pathetic the next. The nurse returned with a security guard. "Look!" she said, pointing to Daptin. "What the--everything's hooked up. The machines--who set them back up?" the guard said. "Nobody! Nobody here, anyway. Maybe whoever took him away put everything back?" the nurse said in her irritating nasal voice. "Well, we can figure all this out later. The police are on their way." the guard said, looking quite glad to have something interesting happen in his life. "Should I call his family?" the nurse asked. Daptin wished she would just shut up. "No--let the police take care of that. We don't know who's involved." the guard said. "Okay." the nurse said, as she approached Daptin's supine form. "Can you hear me?" she asked. "Yes." Daptin managed. "Do you know where you are?" the nurse said. "Hospital." "That's right. But where were you?" Daptin couldn't stand that voice so close to him. "Leave... me alone." "We'll leave you alone once we figure out what in the name of Locket is going on." she said, hovering over him. Then she removed the covers from Daptin and began examining him. Daptin couldn't stand it, the misery of being taken care of by such an idiot. But he knew how to escape. Somehow, he knew. "Here is Canyon." Daptin said with some difficulty. Instantly, he was standing in a room with a window looking out onto Canyon. He was back in his regular clothes, and healthy again, as he has been with Fox. He looked around the room, which was carved out of rock, and saw a number of comfortable-looking chairs and tables, along with an opening in one wall leading into another room. From outside, which was sunny and beautiful, he heard a distant "Yahoo!". Daptin moved to the window, looked out, and saw a form approaching from below. Soon, he saw it was a young woman flying up toward his window. He backed away, but a moment later she approached the window and hovered there for a moment. "Yes!" she exclaimed, and did several backflips in midair. Daptin stood still as the pretty girl flew into the room and stood before him. She was short, with long, full blond hair, and a wonderful, whimsical, blue-and-white outfit on. "You're the one who didn't make it. Did you see Fox, then?" "I did." Daptin said. "Cool! What do you think about it?" "Um, I think, uh, it's pretty good, I guess." Daptin managed. "Good. Do you remember me?" She did look familiar, but Daptin couldn't place her. "Sort of." "Well, you seem familiar, but likewise, I don't quite remember. My lifename now is The Tracy Taciturn. What's yours?" "Daptin. Daptin Gone." "Pleased to see you again, Daptin." "Uh, same to you, Tracy." Tracy looked out the window. "I love flying. It feels so good to be doing it again. Can you believe we're all that's left? Well, except for Fox. But he's leaving. That means we have a chance to make up for our rotten lot in Creation." "Is anyone else here?" Tracy turned to face him. "Oh, just one other. The rest are off in search of the it, I suppose. They must know what they're doing, unlike us." "Yeah." "Assuming you came here like me to get a handle on what's going on." "That's a reason." "Cool. So how much do you remember?" "Not much." "Well, that's alright. Deskerhilm seems to know everything. He should be up in a while--doesn't fly you know. Do you?" "I'm not sure." "Wanna try? It's great. Please, you must." "Okay, what do I do?" "Well, I guess, you could just jump out the window, but that wouldn't do if you're not a flyer." "I'd fly, but only in one direction--down." "True. So why don't I carry you along, and you can let go if you feel your Flight." Tracy approached Daptin, and put her arms around his waist. Before he could react, she flew out the window upside down, holding Daptin on top of her. They soared out over Canyon and Daptin took in the majesty of the place for the first time. "What do you think, Daptin?" Daptin wasn't at all apprehensive. In fact, he began to feel his own Flight. "I think I can do it." he said. "Shall I let go?" "No, not yet. Let me get a good hold on it." They flew for a few more minutes, swooping and speeding all around Canyon. Then Daptin made fists and felt his Flight fully. Without a word, Tracy let go, and Daptin felt an amazing rush through his entire body as he took over and was himself flying. He soared all over Canyon and frolicked with Tracy for a long time, laughing and yahooing all the way. Flying next to Tracy back toward the Palace in the Wall from far down Canyon where they'd flow, Daptin was struck with the irony of it all. "I tell you, I spent so much time coming to terms with death, from the first diagnosis to my present state. So much denial, so much agony. For everyone, my family, my friends, my girlfriend. And I didn't even know. Well, I hardly knew, about all this. And now, flying... with you and everything... in this Highworld, it seems so..." "Sounds like a pretty nasty disease, that one you have." Daptin laughed. "Hizzings Disease. Yeah. Still don't know how I can cure it." "Deskerhilm will have the answer. Fox knew Deskerhilm was beyond most of us, that he wouldn't want to get involved in it. Knew he'd help those of us who needed it." "And out of the 24 left, or 23 I guess, we're the only one's who need help? The 21 others know what they're doing?" Tracy shrugged as best one can while flying. "Maybe they don't, but also don't want to seem too anxious for help." "What were they like, the others?" "Oh, a mixed lot. Most were human. Some were--well, some were beyond description. 44 Times is a long time, especially for those prone to mischief and wandering from the Path." "Yeah." Tracy picked up speed and Daptin matched her easily. They were going so fast that they couldn't hear each other when they tried to speak, so they didn't. The Sun was setting as they reached the Palace and flew into the same room Daptin had arrived in. Deskerhilm was waiting for them. He looked up from the book he was reading and greeted them. Daptin was a little shaken at Deskerhilm's appearance. He was a very short, stocky creature, with a barely humanoid shape. He was a brown-gray color, and his skin resembled a cross between rock and reptile. His face had an ancient, calm look to it and vaguely resembled a toad. He had an air of might about him, but also an air of patience and benevolence. Suddenly, the strange little fellow held up his hands and backed away from the two. "No! No! Cannot be!" Deskerhilm said, and like a video camera falling off a table, the world collapsed. Back in his hotel room, Daptin was shaken out of his musings by the sound of a massive explosion in the distance. From that weird bomb test place? Maybe. But now, he just had to make the call. * * * "Walt, are we goin' out in the woods to see about that suffocating the Dean thing or what?" Roy O'Damn asked his roommate, Walter Mota, as they entered the lounge on the fifth floor of Spoin Hall at Thatterine College. "Yeah okay, but I just wanna see a little of the Johnny Pitch videos in a few minutes. Y'know." "Look, I'm not sitting around here watching any queer Johnny Pitch cartoons or whatever. Let's get goin', for cryin' out loud." "Hey Roy," the nerdy Thinki Hamilton said. "Johnny Pitch isn't a cartoon! It's moody and idiosyncratic black-and-white television series from Boolevathers, some fifteen years old." "Thinki, have you ever touched a girl? Besides your mother, that is." Roy asked. Thinki just muttered "hmm" and turned away, uncommunicative. "I've seen the show before." Walt said. "It's pretty good." "Yeah right. Just 'cause Brine and Loblolly have a million posters of it in their room you think it must be cool to like it." Roy said. "But Roy, coming from Boolevathers, it's probably a milliard, not a million." Doug Brine said. "Brine, you know, I'd love to annihilate your cranium with a cinder block one of these days." said Roy. "Sounds good to me!" Brine said goofily. "Check with my secretary and make an appointment." Roy sat down and said "F*ck." "Geez Roy, why don't you ever let us enjoy Johnny Pitch night?" the pretty Janice Pawn asked. "Janice. There was only one other Johnny Pitch night, and that was three days ago. What's the matter with you people, you need a Johnny Pitch fix every day?" Roy asked. "I think in the next episode Darkfreen the Ultra Warlock is going to capture Miss Brandy Finesphere." Thinki said. "Thinki, let me use my Ultra Warlock powers for a minute--I see you jerking off to a nude picture of Johnny Pitch. Am I right?" Roy said. "No Roy, you--" Janice cut in. "--oh, you're the one who jerks off to it?" Roy asked. "Be kind of hard for me to jerk off." Janice said. "Why's that?" Walt asked. "She has nothing to jerk!" Doug said, shrugging foolishly. "Well, for girls it's more like... stroking off." Roy said. "Honestly, you males are impossible." Janice said. "Honestly you males are impossible." Roy said jeeringly, imitating Janice, just as Kathy Zebruary was walking in. "I see Roy's coming out of the closet." Kathy said. "I'll come out of your closet any day, Zebs, but I'd rather come inside it." Roy said. "Very funny." Kathy replied. "So where's Noaster with the tapes?" Janice asked. "He's not back from dinner yet, I don't think." Kathy answered. "Hey Thinki. Thinki." Walt said. "Yeah?" "Is this the one with that Dennis Accident guy?" "I... I think so. I think it's in the next one or the one after that." "Come on Hamilton," Roy said, "get your Johnny Pitch straight. There'll be a quiz later." "No Roy, look. This Dennis Accident is really excellent." Walt said. "He's like this living car accident. Like, there was a head-on collision between a van and a station wagon, and one of the people on board was a powerful psychic, and he was able to animate the wreckage and the bodies, so he's like this huge giant guy that shambles around with these dead people inside him and stuff. It's really cool." "Now THAT I could get into." Roy said. "No one said you were invited to watch." Kathy said. "Uh oh, I'll have to go back to my room and put on my totally pathetic loser costume to gain admittance." Roy said. "I thought that's what you wore all the time." Kathy said. "Only in front of you so you aren't suddenly struck with irresistible lust and rip your clothes off and molest me from seeing my true irresistible self." "That'll be the day." Kathy said. "That's right." Roy said. "It'll be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday..." "Ha! Dream on!" Kathy said. "Ouch! The queen of comebacks strikes a lethal blow." Roy said. "You better be careful Roy, you'll use up all your radio material." Janice said. "That's why I'm keeping quiet, to preserve my comedy reserves." Walt said. "I liked what you did last week." Thinki said, turning to Walt and Roy. "Ha ha. What was it. 'Introducing the greatest discovery of all time for miffed and bewildered college students, The Dorm Odor Identification Kit. Yes, for only $19.99 you too can identify all those mysterious and noisome fragrances which permeate your college life. For example, say you're visiting the Jogsop Hall basement and..." "What are you, a frickin' tape recorder, Hamilton? Why is it that only total geeks have photographic memories?" Roy asked. "I have a photographic memory." Janice said. "No Janice, you have photographic MAMMARIES. You have to learn the difference, see." Roy said. "Wouldn't you like to photograph 'em." Janice said. "Huh? What'd you say? Yes, of course I'd like to snatch a few snapshots of your lascivious pink orbs. What a silly question." Roy said. "Well you know what they say, ask a silly question, get a mindless, sexist answer." Janice said. "Ouch." Roy said. "You know, you'd be a lot more attractive and more funny if you were more low key like Walt--and less of a blowhard, preening, testosterone bully." Kathy said. "But the sad fact is that you'd wind in bed with him long before you'd ever go for me." Walt said. "Well, um, I..." Kathy stumbled. "See, at least Walt knows the way it is." Roy stated. "The personality has very little to do with it. It's the looks alone which make up 90% of an attraction." "Yeah, and..." Walt began. "Walt's not that bad looking." Kathy said. "No, but I'M not bad looking at all." Roy said. Doug picked up Thinki's thick eyeglasses and put them on. "On the other hand, I'm REAL bad looking." Doug said, staring through the glasses in an exaggerated way. "Hey give those back!" Thinki yelled, flailing his arms toward Doug. Doug held up his arms in defense. "Okay! Okay! Chill out." Doug said as he gave Thinki the glasses back. "You know, I could never figure out why they refer to glasses in the plural." Walt said. "I mean it's just one object. It's like, is every object with two parts considered plural?" "You know Walt," Roy said. "I hope you're not practicing material for the radio, 'cause you're really grasping for straws here." "Oh don't blame me. I'm still a bit tipsy from that glass of soy sauce I drank at dinner." "You really drank a glass of soy sauce? I thought you were just kidding about that." Kathy said. "Well, he drank about a third of a glass, but that's still pretty good. I guess." Doug said. "Oh great, go ahead and cut me down in front of the ladies." Walt said. "Oh yeah." Janice said. "I would have jumped right in the sack with you Walt, if only you'd drank a full glass." "Hey, maybe I was just practicing." Walt said. "What's your blood pressure now, like five over a googolplex or something?" Doug asked. "See Walt, now that's funny. You better watch out or I'll replace you with Brine." Roy said. "Oh yeah, like you have the right to replace me." "If you use that line on the radio you better give me credit." Doug said. "Yeah I'll give you credit--I won't play the tapes of that wet dream of yours we recorded." Roy said. "Duh." Doug said. "Like you really did that." "Just watch yourself or you might find out." Roy said. "Duh." Doug said. Just then Yonder Caoden came in, wearing a black outfit with a cape, and lots of silver witchcraft jewelry. "Uh, Yonder, I think you're a little confused. The costume ball was during orientation." Roy said. "Oh damn." Yonder said. "Hey Roy, is the reason you're named O'Damn because when you're doing it you go 'ahhh ahhhh ahhhh--oh damn--not yet!'?" Kathy asked. "Well--" Roy began, but Doug cut in. "Let me get this one Roy--it's 'Well, there only one way to find out!'--right Roy?" Doug said. "This guy's pretty swift Walt, you better watch out. Brine & O'Damn might be the next big thing." Roy said. "Yup. O'Damn & Mota could be a thing of the past." "Soy sauce." Walt said. "So where's Noaster with the tapes?" Yonder asked. "He's, uh, he's still at dinner. We think." Doug said. "I may still be at dinner, but here I am." Noaster Sitar said as he entered the room with a handful of Johnny Pitch tapes. His weird hair was weirder than usual. "Yay!" Yonder said. Noaster sat down on a couch. "So, everyone here?" Noaster asked. "I think Tanner and Lucid wanted to come. And maybe your roommate." Janice said. "Well I'll set it up, so why don't you go get them Janice." Noaster said. "Okay." Janice said, leaving the lounge. "Well Walt, whattaya say old buddy old pal? Can we blow this living advertisement for birth control or what?" Roy asked. "Don't you wanna see that accident character?" Walt said. "Dennis Accident, the shambling horror of a highway." Thinki said. "I'd love to see this accident fellow, but Walt, the key word here is 'tapes'. We can watch it anytime. Why don't we just ask Noaster to mark down the part of the tape the accident man is on, and we can see it later." Roy said. "But then we won't know what's going on, plotwise." Walt said. "I couldn't give one sparrow's beak about the plot, Walt. Now can we go?" "Ohhhhh-kay." Walt said, getting up. "Drink some more soy sauce next time so you can resist your friend's hypnotic powers." Kathy said. "I'll do that." Walt said. "Say goodbye to the nice children." Roy said. "Bye." Walt said. "No Walt, you're supposed to say 'goodbye to the nice children'." Doug said. "Oh." Walt said, being dragged out of the room by Roy. Out in the stairwell Roy could be heard yelling "Johnny Pitch is for fags! Johnny Pitch is for fags!" "If I had to listen to Roy for another minute I think I'd explode." Kathy said. "Hyup." Doug said. Then Janice came in with Tanner Loblolly, Washington Loggats, and Lucid Geode. "Well shall we get started then?" Noaster said. "Sure." Kathy responded. "Alright I'll start it now. Now this is the next episode from where we left off. Hopefully we can do the next four episodes tonight." Noaster said, beginning the videotape. Washington turned the lights out, and Johnny Pitch began. The title sequence started suddenly, with a voice exclaiming "Johnny Pitch!" in unison with a logo zooming in toward the screen. There followed a cool theme song with scenes from the show and the credits. This was Episode Five: Dark Focal Point. The scene faded in. Johnny Pitch turned up the collar of his trenchcoat and looked down the foggy street from under a streetlamp. Footsteps echoed towards him... * * * Ah, the wavy day today, the day of lust in the breezy hills and woods, the rain before and the bus ride after. Steamy talk and amazing car crashes in the dull evening, the formula for happiness tested in weird ways. Never before such a meandering of the emotions, never again the fragile entity of a simple drizzle. The slam in the face of an air conditioned room, a couch and a television cauterizing the vulnerable opening moves of a flower of earthy innocence. She looked down. The confusion of the good day, she sighed. Wonderful incision ignition, but stunted. Stunted under the swift heavy thumb of the matter-of-fact. A glimpse into a remarkable existence, but snuffed and abandoned. Tavmatey Numblem was the girl here, and she was on the couch and the TV was warming up. She had just returned from a little sojourn into the country, a little excursion with her friends. And there were so many new feelings and so many expectations, that now, back here, she felt robbed, even violated. That the promise of the pungent day was smashed was a sorrowful and stunning complication. Solace? Solace in fantasy? No. Not this time. It had been too close. All of her dreams and desires revealed chessboardlike on the hilly terrain--this was no passage. This was a sign, an indication. This vision, having fallen apart so enthusiastically, must contain more meaning. A bad TV show came into view. Tavmatey pounced upon the set and shut the damn thing off. But not like a cat--rather, like a great clumsy moron. She crouched, holding the TV set for a moment, and regretted her ungainly private motion. So the time was at hand to decide. So it would only be a few moments until she passed into the next sequential state, until she put the picnic out of her mind enough to go on to another subject. But in that instant--how could another subject be as urgent and delightful as this? So she got up and grabbed a lamp from the table and turned it upside down. This, she declared to herself, was the symbol of the meaning of the picnic. As long as it was inverted, she would have to mull over the significance of the outing. So she lounged on the couch in the invert light, and she bathed in the angles of force of her seething intelligence. Now Tavmatey was not exaggerating things. No, today was certainly a day of great import. Her past visions of lust and ecstasy, of the spiritual and physical merging with mud and the grass, of the ideals of intellectual freedom and artistic flights of genius. All of these were there at the picnic, and now it was ended, but she needed to continue it. The only problem was, that while the group as a whole seemed to work in terms of her ideal vision, she could not see any of the individuals really grasping or representing her design. What was to be designed to craft a good continuance? She wondered. The day was gone. It was night. As a gnat flies into the corner of your eye in the summer, and your blink annihilates it, and you feel its cold corpse clinging to the edge of your eyelid, and you wipe it away, and you're momentarily away from where you are, having dealt with the gnat, that was in a way what she felt the day had done to her. Obliterated her. Now it was sex. The lust of earthy sex that excited her mind. But the sex she'd had up till now was anything but lusty and lurid. It was drunken and tense and with stupid boys. Dummies, emotional midgets, true bastards and bastards in the making. Shallow coreless automatons, who were just about worthless. She bemoaned the fact that she had to find some people without value. Indeed, her ideals spoke of all people being equal and having equal worth. But in reality, and quite honestly, this was not the case. Some people were very excellent, with all sorts of value, but others were stupid and childish, and not on the way to getting any better. So Tavmatey had to admit that her ideals of pure equality were indeed hogwash. No, she thought, most people are not very excellent. Most people are jerk-offs. But there were the cool people. People who really felt and really thought and really experienced life and who really interacted with the roller coastings of existence. But these were few and far between. But this was not the main problem. No, such cool people could indeed be sought out, and relationships with them nurtured. But the problem was that the picnic was gone, and Tavmatey knew not how to resurrect it at 10 PM on Sunday night. We hate bad people and we like good people and we love those people who aren't really good or bad. Don't be busy being clever, experience life. But this maxim sucks, see, this credo to experience life is a lot of bull. You need lots of money to experience life. And a job drains your life from under you. So not that many people can experience life. That notion that you can do anything you want as long as you put your mind to it--that was also a false statement. You can't do ANYTHING you want. Most dreams are unattainable, no matter how hard you try. For most people, they're simply unqualified and unable to achieve, so they put their energy into adaptation and resignation, so that their failure doesn't taste so bitter. So that they can live with the Arctic stings of a life's defeat. And Tavmatey knew she was headed there herself. And she knew that naught but dumb luck could save her. So the phone rang. It was the bastard dumb luck calling, to deliver that which she so yearned after. The delivery would be quite massive and complete, and she would be thankful, yet screwed, but would gain wisdom in the long run. For what was to be delivered was not so much pure as it was gritty and dirty, as was life. But it was better than most other courses available that month. But I'm getting ahead of myself. "Hello?" Tavmatey answered. "Hi." answered the awesome sex kitten Sleap. "I have the coffee." *OW* [[21001AX]] Appendix Confused? Here's Everything You Need to Know! The ezine OsoaWeek is the central product of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Each weekly issue is prepared as a plain vanilla ASCII file not exceeding 100K, with the goal of being readable on as many computers as possible. Meaning of codes: The first two-digit number is the sequential section number in this issue of OsoaWeek. The next three-digit number is the issue number of this OsoaWeek. The last element, a 2-character code, is shorthand for a given feature. To search: To find the beginning of the next section, search for the string containing two lefthand brackets with no spaces. To find a particular section, search for the string containing two lefthand brackets followed by the two-digit section number, with no spaces. To find a particular feature, search for the string containing the two-character code followed by two righthand brackets, with no spaces. Using the latter method, you can find a particular feature in any issue of OsoaWeek without even referring to the contents. The Contents are divided into three sections: (a) the introductory, informative, housekeeping sort of features, (b) stuff directly relating to the playing of Osoa, such as new Fonostas, events, info, etc., and (c) the general entertaining and informative section. These three areas are casual and separated for ease of use. To make it easy, in EVERY issue of OsoaWeek, the first section starts with Masthead (MH), the second with State of Obliviana (SO), and the third with Hemisinister Review (HR). 1-800-OBLIVIANA--This toll-free number can be called anytime from any phone in the Continental USA for the latest information on Obliviana, including samples of Obliviana sound bites! Acknowledgments: I would like to thank my girlfriend Kerri for putting up with me while I spend countless hours developing OsoaWeek--thanks Kerri, I love you! This Appendix is located at the end of the file because it contains boring, repetitive info you wouldn't want in your way. Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa) is an endeavor created by Frank Edward Nora, AKA, Lord of Obliviana. Osoa is fully independent and not affiliated with any other organization, belief, etc. Here's a detailed introduction to Osoa: You know there's something else going on in this world, but you can't quite pin it down. And you know there's something else going on with YOU. But it ever eludes you, and teases you, these glimpses of otherness. On the subject of explaining the world, people generally consider that science and religion form a complete scale. Science dealing with the measurable and observable, and religion dealing with the supernatural and mysterious. But really, science is limited to physical measurement and observation, and religion is limited to gods, supernatural beings, how the world was created, and what happens to us when we die. But if you consider it, there is a vast realm of human experience which does not fall into either category. It is this realm that I call Obliviana. Dreams, hunches, deja vu, luck, humor, creativity, emotions, intuition, events "working themselves out", psychic phenomenon, the atmospheres of certain places, memories from childhood, ruts, coincidence, "small world", and more. These are just the tip of the iceberg in Obliviana! Who knows what other exhilarating phenomena await our exploration? With the dawn of the Digital Superworld, that complex and ever-expanding interconnection of computers, networks, and the like, the realm of human endeavor is drastically changed. We have glimpsed a danger in the mesmerizing qualities of even the worst television. In the Digital Superworld, this effect is magnified by several orders of magnitude--so even the cheapest and most worthless online activities become irresistibly engaging and addictive. Imagine a population fully engaged in such tripe--jacked in, spending more and more time engrossed in such pointless, empty activities as computers and robots do more and more of the work. Not a pretty picture, is it? It is partially with the intent of preventing this nightmare that Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa) is established today, July 28, 1994. Osoa is the first and greatest endeavor to provide the world with a viable, broad-based, universally-compelling endeavor to provide CONTEXT in the Digital Superworld. The exploration of Obliviana can be undertaken in a wild variety of ways. Check out the eleven Osoa Flowers for details. Osoa is an innovative and far-reaching game. Why a game? Well, aren't most explorations really games when you come right down to it? And, as a practical matter, some of the elements in Obliviana are too bizarre to be presented as anything OTHER than a game. So Obliviana as game can be looked at as shielding and candy-coating, but can also be viewed as cutting to the heart of the matter--hey, exploring the realm of Obliviana is not vital to our ongoing survival, but it is pretty darn entertaining and satisfying. It is with the game of Obliviana running on the ever-expanding Digital Superworld that we can abandon the mediocrity of the past and make something very new, wild, and now. *OW* [[END001OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----