|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 004--8/18/94 <-------  ||  OsoaWeek  ||  Issues  ||  Book 1  ||  -------> (Cup OWis004, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN004OW]] [[01004MH]] OsoaWeek004, August 18, 1994 Published by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Contact via e-mail at obliviana@aol.com, via voice at 1-800-OBLIVIANA, or via snailmail at 37 Gill Lane, Suite 119, Iselin, NJ 08830, USA. On America Online, contact via "Obliviana". Copyright 1994 by Frank Edward Nora. Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim electronic copies of this ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction are forbidden without express written permission from Frank Edward Nora. This file should contain approximately 83627 characters and 2301 lines. OsoaWeek originates in the United States of America. Statement of Purpose: OsoaWeek is the weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa), an innovative and far-reaching game with an eye on the future. See the Appendix at the end of this file for a clear explanation of what Osoa is all about. And check out the Sneak Preview below (after Contents) for an overview of what's inside this issue! *OW* [[02004CN]] Contents of OsoaWeek004 BEGIN 01 004 MH--Masthead 02 004 CN--Contents 03 004 SP--Sneak Preview 04 004 LO--Lord of Obliviana Revelry 05 004 EM--Your E-Mail is Gonna Come 06 004 NH--Nihilistica 07 004 CO--Catalog of Obliviana * * * 08 004 SO--The State of Osoa 09 004 FW--Fonosta World 10 004 OP--Obliviana Primal Beat * * * 11 004 HR--Hemisinister Review 12 004 HT--Halfevil Times 13 004 MB--Assignment: Mystery Box 14 004 NJ--New Jersey 15 004 ZP--Zope 16 004 FE--Friction Enhancer 17 004 SU--Superior 18 004 SR--Severe Repair 19 004 AX--Appendix END Unless otherwise noted, all contents are by Frank Edward Nora. See Appendix for more information on the Contents, codes, and searching. *OW* [[03004SP]] Sneak Preview of OsoaWeek004 Hey there citizen! Welcome to the incredibly fun world of OsoaWeek, a weekly ezine bursting at the seams with cool stuff to discover! From humor to sci-fi, from reviews to weirdness, you'll find a lot to stimulate your sense in the pages of OsoaWeek. This week's installment, OsoaWeek004, is no exception. Just check out all the wonderful treats in store for ya! Lord of Obliviana Revelry (04004LO) finds the Lord of Obliviana, Frank Edward Nora, declaring that DENTA is now VIAT, and how a busted monitor almost caused the early demise of OsoaWeek--ALMOST. Your E-Mail is Gonna Come (05004EM) we thought, but yet again, we're faced with a mailless week, and the crummy little non-existent Benny is brought back from the grave for another of his inspiring bits of correspondence. Nihilistica (06004NH) answers the question "what came before OsoaWeek"--and boy, does it answer it! 97 publications are listed, from 1986 to the present, which laid the groundwork for OsoaWeek. Also, we take a look at the ongoing tragedy of "Newsweasels", as well as another episode of "Did You Know It?" Catalog of Obliviana (07004CO) has a lot of cool stuff you can get, so get over there and start getting! The State of Osoa (08004SO) clarifies, to some extent, what this whole Obliviana-as-game thing is all about. Learn how YOU can start playing Osoa--for free and without joining anything! Fonosta World (09004FW) lets you know that when you send in your Fonosta, you'll get a cool thank-you note in the mail, which can double as a sort of ID card, and which contains a secret word just for you! Obliviana Primal Beat (10004OP) Power is Good Tower? Valley of Revolvers? Nevertoll Road? Serious Canyon? Concert Night 1983 World? Check out this feature to get the deal on these cool new additions to the OP world! Hemisinister Review (11004HR) delves into the "unique alcohol beverage" Zima, the fantastic snack "Vlasic Pickles To Go", and gives you the lowdown on seven elements, including yttrium, ytterbium, and bismuth! Halfevil Times (12004HT) present more of those great Perception and Ponderings, such as "Ever wonder if we could have used Janet Reno's face the stop that comet from hitting Jupiter?" and "Ever notice how fun it is to get someone who hates videogames hooked on Tetris?" Assignment: Mystery Box (13004MB) gives star Peter Litkey his most challenging item to date--"New Kids on the Block" trading cards! See how he fared. New Jersey (14004NJ) takes you to Menlo Park, where you can hang out at the site of Thomas Edison's original laboratory, where a 130 ft. tower now stands in his honor. Also, check out the bizarre store Arcadian Gardens, last remnant of the old Menlo Park Mall! Zope (15004ZP) has a blast in today's episode, entitled "Zope and the Wine Flautist", where a horrid creature Master Joe bought at Vlorpic Evilmart amuses the gang to no end. Friction Enhancer (16004FE) gives you "Cup 14", a challenge in which you must buy a cup and then get rid of it after travelling 14 miles. If that's too much for you, check out "Cup 14 Lite", which is, like, a lot easier! Superior (17004SU) starts off with "unearth some ancient fried eggs", zooms toward "motionblack supramazing Route 80 tonight", careens into "snowflaw car, the day of the eatery's salad bar super tray" and winds up at "I scowl, bad cop!" Get it? No? WELL TRY A LITTLE HARDER, DAMMIT! Severe Repair (18004SR) is another sci-fi masterpiece, with this week's installment, "Awake Fluffy Netherf*ck"! Meet Prince Ferrajalt and learn why he dreads the arrival of family friends the Polants. Then get acquainted with Agoopi god Pluckemin Hacksaw, who gets pretty pissed off in a traffic jam. Finally, get to know Fluffy herself when she wakes up after sleeping for an entire week. Such wonders await you in the realm of Severe Repair! Welcome all explorers! Appendix (19004AX) is the place to go if you're confused, bewildered, disturbed, miffed, befuddled, or quizzical. NEXT WEEK: OsoaWeek005, August 25, 1994--another awesome installment of between 50K and 100K of the most rad and like totally awesome stuff like in the whole entire universe! Get it. *OW* [[04004LO]] Lord of Obliviana Revelry Howdy doo, all thee! Frank Edward Nora here, also known to some as Lord of Obliviana. It's around the middle of August, and we're already at OsoaWeek004! But hey, by next year, August 1995, we should be at OsoaWeek056! Youch! That's a lot of writing! But I'm up to the task. I mean, I am a Lord after all. (I heard Michael Moore, on his so-so TV show "TV Nation" paid like $8,000 in England to become a Lord. What a fool! I declared myself a Lord and it didn't cost me squat!) So, this past week I began to feel the need to refine some of the concepts within OsoaWeek. Primarily, I am going to be a lot more specific about the game of Osoa. Basically, the idea is that OsoaWeek, as a weekly ezine coursing through the bloodstream of the electronic networks of the world, is the center of the game. Being that each Osoan has a Fonosta, with a number of different parameters, stuff published regarding those parameters will affect each Osoan in game play. And make no mistake--there ARE winners and losers in Osoa! Check out The State of Osoa, below, for more specifics on this refinement and clarification. Now, you may recall that I introduced a term last issue, "DENTA". Well, forget about it! Besides it's inherent tooth-referencehood, what it stood for, "Diligent Electronic Nested Transmutational Artificer", didn't get to the heart of the matter. So right now, right here, I'm announcing the replacement of the term DENTA. And the new term is... VIAT! Yes, VIAT. It stands for "Virtual Invoker-Artificer Technology". This is a lot more representative of the system I have in mind. Check out next issue for more details on VIAT! On another subject, the titled of this week's Severe Repair is "Awake Fluffy Netherf*ck". Now, Fluffy Netherf*ck is a character in the story, and her name is not meant as a cuss word. But, as is my policy, in order to make OsoaWeek more portable and accessible, certain "dirty" ASCII strings are being masked, so to speak. I do this so as not to limit myself when I feel it necessary to use a certain word. This method may be a little distracting while reading, but what concerns me is folks who might do searches of whole hard drives or databases for the dreaded "f*ck" and "sh*t", among others. So, even though the ASCII string "f*ck" in the name Fluffy Netherf*ck is not meant as a swear, it is masked along with all other occurrence of that string. So, you know what, I'm so happy, I mean, I'm stunned. While working on this issue, my Macintosh monitor started to flicker like an old fluorescent light. It kept getting worse and worse until I could hardly stand it any more. And the thought of sending it away for weeks on end to get fixed didn't sit too well with me. Let me tell you, on a whim I tried to connect the monitor of my defunct 386, and was dumbfounded to see that IT ACTUALLY WORKED! No fiddling around, no problems, nothing--so now I have a working monitor again. See, sometimes dreams really do come true! *OW* [[05004EM]] Your E-Mail is Gonna Come Dear the entire Obliviana Crew, Wow! I never imagined I'd wake up again so soon! I figured you guys would keep getting e-mail once it started pouring in, but I guess I was wrong. Well, what can I say? Me and my pet clones are having a grand old time not existing, and I owe it all to that great publication, OsoaWeek! Ciao! Love, Benny * * * Dear Benny, Yeah, why don't you rub it in a little more, you scumbag. I realize we didn't get any e-mail this week, and had to resurrect your sorry ass from the void to have a letter, but you know what? Just shut the hell up you f*cker! --Lord of Obliviana *OW* [[06004NH]] Nihilistica ***97 PUBLICATIONS PAVE THE WAY FOR OSOAWEEK!*** You think OsoaWeek came out of the clear blue sky? Think again, pal! I released 97 publications, as well as other cool stuff, from June 1986 to the launch of OsoaWeek last month. Here's the complete list of the publications, without which, OsoaWeek would never have been born! This stuff is all out of print, but from time to time I will make a very few rare original copies available for purchase in Catalog of Obliviana! Check it out (in parentheses is number of pages)... 1986 1--Big New Ark 1, 6/86 (4) 2--Franx Comix 1, 6/86 (8) 3--Zope's Big Atomic Party, 7/86 (4) 4--Anything But Monday Magazine 1 (reprint), 7/86 (4) 5--Micro Album 1: Original Zope, 7/86 (8) 6--Micro Album 2: Wonderful Reality Show, 7/86 (8) 7--Franx Comix 2, 7/86 (8) 8--Zope's Big Atomic Party 2, 8/86 (8) 9--Scientific Teddy Bear: Invention 1, 8/86 (8) 10--Kat X 1, 8/86 (8) 11--Franx Comix 3, 8/86 (8) 12--Heads and Faces 1, 8/86 (8) 13--Zope's Big Atomic Party 3, 9/86 (8) 14--Anything But Monday Magazine 2, 9/86 (8) 15--The Paper Man 1, 9/86 (8) 16--Anything But Franx Big Atomic Ark 1, 9/86 (4) 17--Zope's Big Atomic Party 4, 10/86 (8) 18--The Paper Man 2, 10/86 (8) 19--Zope Contamination 1, 10/86 (8) 20--Anything But Monday Magazine 3, 10/86 (8) 21--Franx Comix 4, 11/86 (8) 22--The Halfevil Graphics Catalog, 11/86 (4) 23--Anything But Monday Magazine 4, 11/86 (8) 24--The Paper Man 3, 11/86 (8) 25--Onadesk 1, 12/86 (8) 26--Bible II: The Stuff I Forgot: Book 1, 12/86 (8) 27--Onadesk 2, 12/86 (8) 28--Zope Contamination 2, 12/86 (8) 1987 29--The Paper Man 4, 1/87 (8) 30--The Paper Man 5, 1/87 (8) 31--ALSO Magazine 1, 1/87 (8) 32--Bible II: The Stuff I Forgot: Book 2, 1/87 (8) 33--Deadzope 1, 1/87 (4) 34--The Story, 1/87 (8) 35--Anything But Monday Magazine 5, 2/87 (12) 36--Halfevil 1, 6/87 (8) 37--Anything But Monday Magazine 6, 9/87 (12) 38--NomadiNews 1, 10/87 (12) 39--Steering Zonebook Thozien, 10/87 (32) 40--Elemental 16, 10/87 (4) 41--NomadiNews 2, 11/87 (4) 42--NomadiNews 3, 12/87 (4) 43--Anything But Monday Magazine 7, 12/87 (12) 1988 44--NomadiNews 4, 1/88 (4) 45--Big New Ark 2, 1/88 (8) 46--Halfevil 2, 1/88 (8) 47--Three Men in an Armored Assault Vehicle 1, 1/88 (8) 48--NomadiNews 5, 2/88 (8) 49--Anything But Monday Magazine 8, 2/88 (16) 50--Zope's Big Atomic Party 5, 2/88 (8) 51--Franx Comix 5, 2/88 (8) 52--Bible II: The Stuff I Forgot: Book 3, 2/88 (8) 53--Kat X (new) 1, 2/88 (8) 54--Zarball Special, 2/88 (4) 55--Hollow Fantasia, 2/88 (16) 56--NomadiNews 6, 3/88 (8) 57--Mike's Liquids 1, 3/88 (16) 58--Red Alley Earth 1, 3/88 (16) 59--NomadiNews 7, 4/88 (8) 60--Anything But Monday Magazine 9, 4/88 (20) 61--Zope 1, 4/88 (16) 62--NomadiNews 8, 5/88 (8) 63--NomadiNews 9, 6-7/88, 12 64--NomadiNews 10, 8-9/88 (8) 65--HGN 1: Big New Ark and Beyond, Summer '88 (44) 66--HGN 2: Franx Comix, Summer '88 (44) 67--HGN 3: Zope's Big Atomic Party, Summer '88 (44) 68--HGN 4: The Paper Man, Summer '88 (44) 69--HGN 5: The World of Halfevil, Summer '88 (44) 70--HGN 6: A Silent Friction, Summer '88 (44) 72--NomadiNews 11, 10-11/88 (12) 73--Zope 2, 10/88 (16) 74--Red Alley Earth 2, 10/88 (16) 75--Anything But Monday (vol. 2) 1, 12/88 (36) 1989 76--Anything But Monday (vol. 2) 2, 2/89 (36) 77--Mike's Liquids 3, 3/89 (16) 78--Anything But Monday (vol. 2) 3, 5/89 (36) 79--Anything But Monday (vol. 3) 1, 10/89 (84) 1990 80--rED aLLEY eARTH A, 10/90 (36) 1991 81--ZOPE (new) 1, 5/91 (52) 82--ZOPE (new) 2, 6/91 (36) 83--ZOPE (new) 3, 7-8/91 (48) 1992 84--Forge of Wander 1, 8/92 (32) 85--Forge of Wander 2, 9/92 (32) 86--Forge of Wander 3, 12/92 (32) 1993 87--Forge of Wander 4, 1/93 (40) 88--Superior Packet 1, 5/2/93 (8) 89--Anything But Monday Packet 1, 5/16/93 (8) 90--Fovy 1, 10/11/93 (7) 91--Fovy 2, 10/25/93 (7) 92--Fovy 3, 11/8/93 (7) 93--Fovy 4, 11/22/93 (7) 94--Fovy 5, 12/6/93 (7) 1994 95--Get All Obliviana Packet 1, 4/21/94 (8) 96--Get All Obliviana Packet 2, 4/29/94 (8) 97--Get All Obliviana Packet 3, 5/12/94 (8) And OsoaWeek made its electronic debut on 7/28/94! ***NEWSWEASELS WATCH*** Okay, I know. You're wondering why we need such a feature. Well, Newsweasels started off pretty good, but lately it's been getting worse and worse. So I want to chronicle their fall from grace. For those of you who don't get E!, Newsweasels is a show about two "ordinary guys", Hogan and Lear, who take over a TV studio and watch satellite TV. Great idea, right? Yeah, it's a great idea, but somehow it just isn't working. Take this week for example. They did a story on the truck full of bees that fell over. Fine. But then they did an awfully lame skit where they pretended to be the truckers responsible for the disaster. It was horrible. All their features are falling apart. Their "Voice-Over Theater" with Al Gore was pathetic. A new feature called "Nice News" was okay, but just a rehashing of their weak comments on dull video. And "Scanning the Skies" hardly bears any fruit at all. What gives? I think the problems is that it's easy to come up with good ideas, but tough to make them a reality. Unfortunately, I think this is the case with Newsweasels, and I'm afraid they're gonna fall apart, real soon. And the lead-in, "Howard Stern", makes Hogan and Lear seem all the more pitiful. I hope they can shape up, but it's not looking at all like they will. ***DID YOU KNOW IT?*** The word "weasel" is mentioned only once in The Bible, in Leviticus 11:29. Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, and West Virginia all have the cardinal as their state bird. The serial number on the dollar bill on the cover of Nirvana's "Nevermind" CD appears to be "L34998746B". There's a country called "Seychelles". The first letter of each stanza of Walt Whitman's poem "Song of Myself" spell the words: "I HIT I AHT TAT TTT TIT WTWI YEW DN TIBAI IS NWS YET FIA IIOIII ATT T". IIOIII? The ASCII code "01110111" stands for lowercase "w"! *OW* [[07004CO]] Catalog of Obliviana With more and more of your life switching over to digital, isn't it nice to be able to obtain something unique to the physical world? That's what Obliviana Artifacts are all about! Each one is signed, numbered, stamped, and very limited! So for the best in non-digital thrills, order often from the mighty Catalog of Obliviana! You can always call 1-800-OBLIVIANA to check out how many of a given Artifact are left, and also reserve an item. Your Artifact will be held for 5 business days, awaiting your order. I keep two of everything, so the initial amount available is at least two less than the total. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 32 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! OSOAWEEK001 HARD COPY VERSION ONE The entire text of OsoaWeek001 output on four legal-size sheets of paper. Only ten copies were made, and it will have some different design elements in the next imprint. The "OsoaWeek" logo is different from the official one. There are only 2 left, so call before ordering! OA004 (note: this code is not printed on the Artifact itself). $2 each. Ultra rare! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 12 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[08004SO]] The State of Osoa REFINING THE FONOSTA CONCEPT Obliviana Super Occult Amusement is a game which is open to anyone, perpetually running 24-hours-a-day, 7-days-a-week, and centered upon the ezine, OsoaWeek, which is released electronically every week and made freely available to everyone in the world. The basic mechanic of the game is for each person playing is the establishment and consequent periodic upgrades to ones Fonosta. In basic terms, a Fonosta sets forth an Osoan's name within Obliviana, as well as a number of variations on themes. That is, there are a number of themes, each of which has a list of variations, and the Osoan chooses one (or sometimes two) variations from the list. The sum of all these choices rounds out a unique personality, apparent to those familiar with Osoa. In other words, for someone familiar with Osoa, looking at an Osoan's Fonosta will give them an impression of what that Osoan is like, beyond the name. Now, when you send your Fonosta in, it's checked over and then published in the next issue of OsoaWeek. This inclusion in OsoaWeek IS the totality of the establishment procedure. It is the record of your Fonosta which we use and which everyone can refer to. So, by sending in your Fonosta, you are doing so to have it published in OsoaWeek. You are not joining Osoa, nor are you becoming a member, a subscriber, or anything. In the future, when you send in upgrades of your Fonosta, the process is the same; you send them in, we check them over, and then print them in OsoaWeek. So I hope I'm communicating this idea clearly--you set publicly forth a number of choices in your Fonosta, and then, based on those choices, and the events in Osoa, various aspects of your Fonosta are affected. Stay tuned to OsoaWeek for the future of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement! *OW* [[09004FW]] Fonosta World No new Fonosta to report this week--so get yourself a copy of OsoaWeek001 and send those Fonostas in! Now, here's some news on something new in the world of Fonostas! The single most important rule in Osoa is that each Fonosta is managed by a single person, and that no person has more than one Fonosta. In order to give people some assurance of this, we do ask for your mailing address when establishing your Fonosta. Once we get your Fonosta, and approve it for publication, we'll send out a thank-you note. This thank-you note will serve several functions. First of all, it will include a code word, and we ask that you call 1-800-OBLIVIANA and tell us the word. This process will verify your address, and make it harder for unscrupulous folks to have more than one Fonosta. We are using your address only for this purpose. We are committed to not sending you unsolicited material of any sort, and we'll never reveal your address to anyone else! So you won't end up on some weird mailing list. We really do just want to establish your credibility. Now, keep that thank-you note! It bears the official stamp of Obliviana and is signed by Frank Edward Nora, Lord of Obliviana. This note is the closest thing to an ID card you're gonna get from Osoa, and it may be useful in establishing your identity when meeting with other Osoans. So, go on! Get OsoaWeek001 and send in your Fonosta today! If you wait till you finally understand what Osoa is all about to send in your Fonosta, you'll regret not sending it in early and getting one of those keen low numbers! Umiak! *OW* [[10004OP]] Obliviana Primal Beat I wrote a little piece on Obliviana Primal in one of my previous publications, Get All Obliviana Packet 2, dated April 29, 1994. Here it is... Ah yes, Obliviana Primal (OP). I almost forgot to mention this to you. See, OP is an entire virtual world where you will be spending a lot of time in the decades to come. See, with the advent of true virtual reality technology within the next year or two, there will be numerous virtual universes to explore--but none are so grand as OP! Start off at the massive Power is Good Tower in the center of Obliviana Campus. Look down on the sprawling Valley of Revolvers far below as the glass elevator raises you to the top of the tower. Once there, mount your motorcycle, rev the engine, speed across the roof--and zoom off into the air. You fall at incredible speed as the OP landscape dizzies around you. You slam into the Nevertoll Road and keep on going--shaken, but no worse for wear. You accelerate to half-the-speed-of-sound and head off toward Serious Canyon under a checkered purple and orange sky... YES! This is but a tiny sampling of what awaits you in Obliviana Primal. Stay tuned to GAOP as OP thunders toward its inevitable release! That was just a few months ago, and OP is a lot more detailed now. But rest assured, all the stuff mentioned in this piece are parts of OP. Power is Good Tower, Valley of Revolvers, Nevertoll Road, Serious Canyon, and not to mention the brand new Concert Night 1983 World--all these are in OP! *OW* [[11004HR]] Hemisinister Review ***BEVERAGES*** ZIMA Advertising works! After watching countless, indescribably annoying Zima ads, I felt a great sense of relief upon actually trying this "unique alcohol beverage". Boy does it suck. It's flavor it pretty simple to describe--imagine tonic water with a strong alcohol taste. There you go! Called "clearmalt" on the label, Zima is supposedly like malt liquor, ie, having a higher alcohol content than beer. Hey, that's great, but only if you can stand the rotten, artificial, insincere flavor of this dud. Now I'll feel a lot better watching and hearing the ads. I'll know I'm not missing out on some great new fad. And I'll know that no world is worse than the one on the commercial, where no one's heard of beer and Zima is ubiquitous. ***SNACKS*** VLASIC PICKLES TO GO! What an awesome idea! Two Kosher dill pickle spears in a cool package with a heavy-foil back and light-foil front. The easy-open design is new and exciting, and the pickles are perfect! I'm just not so sure about the Vlasic's Groucho-Marx-imitating stork character represented on the front, sticking his thumb out, apparently hitchhiking. Is this a good influence? ***ELEMENTS*** YTTRIUM (Y; atomic number 39) The Swedish town of Ytterby has left its mark on the universe of humanity by being the basis for not one, but two of the weirdest-named elements ever! Yttrium is a kind of metal, nestled between strontium and zirconium, so I can't understand why they don't have trendy yttrium jewelry available yet! It'd be swell. YTTERBIUM (Yb; atomic number 70) The other Ytterby-based element, ytterbium is soft and silvery--kind of like Silly Putty for the 21st Century. Destined to become a swear word, ie, "Ytterbium! I smashed my thumb with the hammer again!" RADIUM (Ra; atomic number 88) Marie Curie's claim-to-fame, this highly-radioactive substance can be found on some glowing alarm clock hands--but watch out, every time you hit the snooze bar, you increase your risk of getting "lazy-bum cancer". GOLD (Au; atomic number 79) Add an electron to this beautiful, precious metal and it becomes mercury--that sprightly, mad-hatter-making liquid metal. So keep your gold away from all electrons! Trivia fact: few people know that Fluff is composed of 100% gold nitrate! BISMUTH (Bi; atomic number 83) With elements like this, all I can say is that it's "Bismuth as usual". THULIUM (Tm; atomic number 69) Named after Greek mystery island Thule, this rare-earth element doesn't do much for me. Howard Hughes' attempt to make a thulium ocean liner was a miserable failure. ASTATINE (At; atomic number 85) Hey, any extremely unstable radioactive substance with a half-life of 8.3 hours can't be all bad. Add an electron and it becomes the dreaded basement-horror, radon! *OW* [[12004HT]] Halfevil Times ***HALFEVIL TIMES PERCEPTIONS & PONDERINGS*** EVER WONDER... ...where pimentos would be without olives? ...why beer commercials always have people with superpowers, when in reality, beer just makes powerless losers into drunk powerless losers? ...whether Canada might just drift off into space sometime? ...where Caldor ends and Bradlee's begins? ...whether "glow-in-the-dark" stuff will be the next thing to be targeted by the product-danger-scare people? ...if we could have used Janet Reno's face the stop that comet from hitting Jupiter? ...when the Kriss Kross wear-your-clothes-backwards fad will come back into fashion? ...why there's not a ubiquitous BLUE condiment to go along with ketchup and mustard? ...what member of that secret society that controls the world Bill Clinton had to sleep with to get elected? ...why the hell they call it a circular when it's obviously rectangular? ...if any of the wheelchair people in all these new ads are actually crippled? ...why MTV is producing the dubious "Brothers Grunt" when it could have spent the money on more B&B episodes? ...how great those night people feel when they finally get the Sci-Fi Channel and discover it's solid infomercials in the wee hours of the morning? EVER NOTICE... ...that speakers who start off with "I'll be brief" never are? ...this new batch of kids, "Generation Y", are a bunch of little punks? ...that more and more, you find yourself wishing you were back in the 80's? ...that whenever someone fills out one of those questionnaires at a restaurant table, they always have to make up goofy, idiotic answers? ...that the British leech off America for all their entertainment, defense, gossip, and the like, and all they can do in return is provide PBS with a ton of horrible shows to air? ...how fun it is to get someone who hates videogames hooked on Tetris? ...that even though she's perfect in every way, Cindy Crawford is starting to grate on your nerves? ...that meerkats went from being an obscure mammal to the superstardom of having a Disney character in just a few short years? ...that Conan O'Brien's obsession with stereotypical Gen X stuff like Brady Bunch, Partridge Family, Bewitched and the like is getting real old, real fast? ...that Conan O'Brien always tries to flirt with his female guests to prove he's not a homo? ...that in Conan O'Brien's opening animation, that cat never says anything even remotely funny? ...that even lame-ass Tom Snyder will kill Conan O'Brien just like someone stepping on an ant? ...that spending too much time thinking about Conan O'Brien gives you a dull, throbbing feeling throughout your whole body? *OW* [[13004MB] Assignment: Mystery Box ASSIGNMENT: MYSTERY BOX Starring Peter Litkey Hi folks! Welcome to the second installment of Assignment: Mystery Box. Each time, the star of the show, Peter Litkey, will receive a sealed mystery box containing a secret item (chosen by Lord of Obliviana Frank Edward Nora himself). Upon receipt of the Mystery Box, Peter must resist opening it for a full 4 hours! Then he must make a prediction of what exactly the box contains (to test his psychic and/or common sense abilities). Then Peter opens the box and discovers what is within! Once Peter has the object, he will put it through a rigorous, and potentially embarrassing battery of assignments. Peter will be graded on how well he performs these assignments, and the results will be here every week! This Week's Mystery Item: 2 items--one wax pack of "New Kids on the Block" trading cards, and one Wacky Pack sticker parodying the trading cards, called "Nude Kids on the Block". "Today is August 8, 1994. It is 8:30, and I've been waiting since last Thursday to open the box. My prediction is that it is a container or a canister of Elmer's Glue. I am now opening the box... Oh my god, I was really way off! It is a "Nude Kids on the Block" card and "New Kids on the Block" bubble gum. How gay." MYSTERY ITEM ASSIGNMENTS [1] Play with the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "just too darn silly" [2] Sleep with the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "just too darn silly" [3] Display the Mystery Item on your desk at work for at least one day. (X) Accept  (  ) Decline "many people came up to me and said 'hey, you're not a kid anymore, get that off your desk!'" [4] Ask as many people as possible what they think of the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "because of the response I got when I had it on my desk" [5] Offer to lend the Mystery Item to someone for a day and see if they accept. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "too off-the-wall" [6] Place the Mystery Item on your head for one minute--in public. (X) Accept  (  ) Decline "I did, stupidly, accept--and boy did I get a whole bunch of reactions, people basically thought I was a nut" [7] Taste the Mystery Item. (X) Accept  (  ) Decline "boy was it tasty" [8] Weigh the Mystery Item. (  ) Accept  (X) Decline "didn't give a sh*t" [9] Come up with a nickname for the Mystery Item. (X) Accept  (  ) Decline "Nerd Gum" [10] Dispose of the Mystery Item by... ...keeping it for yourself. (  ) ...giving it away as a gift. (  ) ...throwing it in the trash. (  ) ...burying it in the woods. (  ) ...utterly destroying it. (X) "I utterly ate it" ...tossing it into the Atlantic Ocean. (  ) ...mailing it to British Prime Minister John Major. (  ) Conclusion: "I am looking forward to the next Mystery Item." Grade: B. This was a pretty tough and confusing Mystery Item, and you did take some risks, especially in tasting it and eating it. I can't see the harm in sleeping with or playing with these cards, so I'll have to penalize you there. But displaying it at work and especially putting it on your head was quite daring. Try a little harder next time and you might just get an A" *OW* [[14004NJ]] New Jersey EDISON MEMORIAL TOWER (908) 549-3299 Menlo Park This awesome tower, dedicated February 11, 1938, marks the site of Thomas Alva Edison's laboratory, in which he invented the light bulb and the phonograph (among other things) from 1876 to 1886. Next to the tower is a museum with all sort of cool stuff inside. Right now, the tower itself is closed for maintenance, but it will eventually reopen--only one room at the bottom is accessible to the public, though. The coolest part of the whole thing is that this 130+ ft. tower is located smack in the middle of a regular suburban neighborhood! It's pretty awesome to drive up the hill and suddenly see this massive tower appear out of nowhere! At the top of the tower is a 13+ ft. high replica of a light bulb, which is lit at night. As well, there's a powerful set of speaker at the top of the tower, to commemorate the invention of the phonograph, but I never heard it. After 1886, Edison moved to West Orange, where there's another Historical site, which I'll hopefully visit soon. And the original laboratory which was at the tower site was moved to Dearborn, Michigan for some reason, where it's still a tourist attraction. So for a wonderful and inspiring sight, check out the Edison Memorial Tower! Call for hours and directions, but you can see the tower itself (from outside a fence) anytime! ARCADIAN GARDENS (908) 549-9500 Menlo Park If you don't count Macy's, this is all that's left of the much-missed old Menlo Park Mall, which was totaled to make way for the new mall. A huge home, garden, and craft store, Arcadian Gardens is a pleasantly disheveled anachronism set against the slick new shopping area. Right next to The Wiz, AG has a worn, damaged exterior which exudes a sense of age. Upon entering the place, the smell and lighting tells you it's an ancient, quiet, Osoan wonder. Check out all the bizarre craft materials, all the weird figurines, the unexpected junk. Then stroll over to the outdoor plant area, and then to the cool greenhouse. I recall this place from the earliest glimmers of my memory. Especially, I recall the towering sign in front of the store which, alas, was torn down earlier this year. But still, there is magic to this place. Also, there's an alley between AG and Macy's, which leads to the debris-strewn back of AG, where you'll find, among other things, what appears to be one of the entrances to the old mall, long abandoned. So for a very Osoan experience, get over to Arcadian Gardens, at the Menlo Park Mall, Rt. 1 South. *OW* [[15004ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: ZOPE AND THE WINE FLAUTIST ZOPE: "Okay Joe, what the hell is so cool you tore me away from the Donny Most film festival?" MASTER JOE: "Heh heh. Wait till you see it! Got a great bargain on it at the Vlorpic Evilmart in Ragville." ZOPE: "It better be good chum. It was just getting to the party scene in 'Leo & Loree'!" MASTER JOE (opening door to his volcano): "It is. Now, step right in, and be prepared to be amazed." RAT 17 (greeting the two): "Ready, Joe?" MASTER JOE: "Yup!" Rat 17 pulls a lever, raising a curtain at the far end of the room. A humanoid figure made of a dark red liquid is shackled to the wall, shivering. ZOPE: "What the hell?" MASTER JOE: "It's a Wine Flautist! A flute player composed entirely of red wine. Pretty cool, eh?" ZOPE: "Not bad Joe. Not bad at all. But where's his flute?" WINE FLAUTIST (suddenly): "Please! I'll do anything! Just let me go! I'm just a regular guy, who can play the flute, and who got turned into wine by a sexy evil witch!" MASTER JOE: "Shut yer mouth! Or I'll dump you in the middle of a homeless shelter!" ZOPE: "You bought that thing, can't you keep it quiet?" MASTER JOE: "I wish. But c'mon now, you gotta see this. It's the best!" Master Joe walks over to the wine flautist, unchains his arms, and takes a flute out of a drawer. WINE FLAUTIST: "No, not that! Anything but that!" MASTER JOE (shoving flute toward the wine flautist): "Play it pal! You're not a person anymore, so you don't have any rights! You're a frickin alcohol beverage! So play or else!" Hesitantly, the wine flautist puts the flute to his lips, then starts playing, and wine shoots out from all the holes in the flute. Zope, Master Joe, and Rat 17 all break out in hysterics. MASTER JOE (struggling to speak through his laughter): "Okay! Okay buddy. You can stop--ha ha ha--you can stop now!" The wine flautist stops playing and is quivering in fear worse than before. MASTER JOE: "Har! Har! What a riot! Thanks pal, that's the best laugh we've had in awhile! Go ahead Zope, give him the wand!" ZOPE (handing the wine flautist a magic wand): "Here ya go! Ha! Ha! Good show! That was a riot! You can--haha--you can use the wand to turn yourself back into a human, then teleport yourself back to your world and defeat that evil sexy witch. Okay pal! There you go." WINE FLAUTIST: "R-r-r-really?" MASTER JOE: "Yeah Wine Boy! We just wanted to have a little fun with you! Go ahead, turn yourself back!" The wine flautist taps himself with the wand and turns back into a human being. WINE FLAUTIST (stunned): "It--it worked! How can I ever thank you?" ZOPE: "Well friend, after you teleport yourself back to your home, instead of destroying the sexy witch, just strip her of her magic powers and teleport her to my stronghold. I'll take care of her from there." WINE FLAUTIST: "Okay--I'll do that! Thank you ever so much!" MASTER JOE: "Stop jabbering and get outta here! What--did you think we were really such psychos that we'd keep you shackled up here to amuse all our friends? What do you think we are, monsters?" WINE FLAUTIST (teleporting out): "No--I'm sorry for insulting you. You've saved my life--and my career!" ZOPE: "What a gas! Now you're sure that witch's sister'll turn him into canola oil when the wand runs out, and you can buy him back?" MASTER JOE: "I'm sure. What a gullible idiot that guy is! And you get a powerless evil sexy witch out of the deal to boot!" RAT 17: "Everyone should shop at Vlorpic Evilmart!" *OW* [[16004FE]] Friction Enhancer FRICTION ENHANCER 4: Cup 14 First, you need to buy a cup. It can't be a disposable cup, but the sort that one washes and uses over and over again. You must BUY the cup--you can't use a cup you already own. Also, you must buy the cup from a store, not from a friend or something. Now, once you have the cup, the need to travel exactly 14 miles and then get rid of the cup. If you're in a car, reset the trip odometer, and at exactly 14 miles, dispose of the cup. If on bicycle or foot, the distance may have to be figured out via maps. On public transportation, you could find two stops exactly 14 miles apart, or another strategy would be to throw the cup out in a garbage can on a train or boat. As far as methods of disposing of cups, there are several, but as a general rule, the cup must be disposed of in such a way that neither you nor anyone else is in possession of it. For the most common method of Cup 14--driving--tossing the cup out the window or leaving it by the roadside are possibilities--but keep in mind that this would be considered littering in some (most?) places, so do so at your own risk. The ultimate goal of Cup 14 is to obtain and dispose of 14 cups in a single calendar day, without visiting the same store more than once OR travelling on the same section of road in a given direction more than once. That's at least 196 miles, but probably a lot more. It is advisable that to keep an artifact from Cup 14, you get a container of water, which is pour into and then out of every Cup involved in the day's Cup 14. Then seal the container and you have some very Osoan water! See how many cups you can Cup 14 in a day! FRICTION ENHANCER 5: Cup 14 Lite If Cup 14 seems a little involved to you, try the much easier Cup 14 Lite! First, get some disposable cups. Then, go to a location. As soon as you enter the location, hold one of the disposable cups and walk around for exactly 14 minutes. Then, after 14 minutes is up, dispose of the cup (see Cup 14, above, for details). Then, go to another location and do the same thing. You can use a container of water as detailed in Cup 14, above, to create an artifact of Cup 14 Lite. The goal is to do Cup 14 Lite at 14 different locations in a single calendar day. As far as what constitutes a distinct location, that's up to the individual Osoan, but use common sense--hanging out in front of different stores at a mall would not really be different locations, but different floors of a mall and the outside of a mall could be considered different locations. So give Cup 14 a try today, and see if you can get to 14! *OW* [[17004SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 25 Unearth some ancient fried eggs. Are you not a famous scientist? Several corrosive acids will melt your hat. The Johnny the Mouse idea stinks. Bow down and worship your least favorite chair. Meditate on this--your dam is a coot. Look for eaglets in your shoes. Damn the sprig of medicinal plastique--yours is a non-holistic path. SUPERIOR 26 Fold your cat. An annoying stranger will ask you for a ride to Pittsburgh. Don't try to find the roller coaster--it will find you. Stare at anything but a wheatfield or a tetrahedron. Bathe in a sticky, gray, nutritious protein substance, such as gluten. Devise 106 uses for an unpopular adverb. Please hover above a local vegetable garden. You just ripped two relatively useless bags in half. SUPERIOR 27 Will I decide to go to the office tonight--NOW THAT'S FUNNY--now that was years ago. Be at the Pathmark in Parsippany tonight, be at the 7-11 in Summit tonight, be at the Dunkin' Donuts in Madison tonight, be at the Evil Farm in North Branch tonight. Motionblack supramazing Route 80 tonight. Travel along and not a screech to a halt in sight, the spinning to silky so lovely the magic the twisting the gliding the shatter no matter the doors. Back in time, the sleep, the insanity, the manic drivings. Back in time, the years, wasted the centuries gained. But time&#151;it goes pastfast. WELL THE ROAD to D.C., Montreal, Woodbridge, Mountain Lakes, Jersey City, into the that's tact. SUPERIOR 28 Being that wonder is slight, going all along the day midwall, the corporeal stab is the your sense. Building is the same, in a wane, in the stay, to over gas stations. Can we all mall? Snowflaw car, the day of the eatery's salad bar super tray. For the nice domed window above I call home, and a book on magic at the library is under a roof in the rain. Can all this be? Twis sury. SUPERIOR 29 Waking in late afternoon, mind pummelled with horrible dream, lounging in avoidance, dark thinking in shower. Drying in personal nakedness, the late afternoon is tired, the late afternoon is slow. I'm lethargic when I awake in this time. Shall I go to the store, shall I go to the library, shall I awaken from the late afternoon. SUPERIOR 30 Who are you, fraught with frivol and flit? I need to do it and you desire it. Please, below meaning, don't discover honesty or friendliness. Comfortable and nude in a blanket cozy and warm, the smell of Wheatina and a little Swiss Army knife and a bird outside sounds like a dot matrix printer. Remember this, the good arcade there, time and coffee daydreamica. What has happened here? SUPERIOR 31 All the wonderful days flat black-and-white. Rush of much, scamper the stung spirits, we longed for the designs of good nowheres. New pleasing plunder the fairy night shaken, in me the time of tinglement torn, in you the awe of nascent strength. Long blended parts of weeks, never to the doorway's beauties. And in these magnificent insecurities were the truths the bridges, for in the candleflicker of dusk, everthere these two, less long than a birdsong. SUPERIOR 32 Serious wanton twain, storm torn in tortion, the bell. World trade efficient and cool, smelt carbon atoms big, in the shell, in nutmeg and almond. Born in a rock in Wyoming's tan liquid, so stormy. The past, rain and turmoil, and girls, time animal. So soon we meander and amble down unknown seashore roads, lure of pinball overwhelms the seeker, to drive along while temperatures drop by tens of degrees. Drive a way awhile, been visiting the warm wall of the mall. I scowl, bad cop! *OW* [[18004SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 4: "Awake Fluffy Netherf*ck" Prince Ferrajalt walked up the stairs, but his mother managed to yell after him as she always did. "Oh Ferrajalt! The Polants called from the road. They'll be here in fifteen minutes, no more than twenty." Queen Ibnia said. Ferrajalt stopped, frustrated. "So what do I care?" "It's high time you grew up and realized your social responsibilities. You're not a child anymore." "Okay, Mother, I don't want to argue. Just tell me what I have to do and I'll do it. Is that fair?" Ferrajalt squeezed the exquisite banister in restlessness, waiting for the Queen to respond. "Ferri, that's an awfully mean attitude to take, don't you think?" "I'm just--" "You are heir to the throne, after all. And it's high time you started acting like it!" Ferrajalt waited, a very unhappy look on his face. "Look Mother, I don't feel at all like you want me to. Not by a kiffin long shot!" "Ferri, don't cuss." "Just tell me what you want and I'll do it! I can't help the way I feel, but I CAN help the way I act, dammit!" He waited for a few moments, then continued up the stairs. "You're to entertain the Polants, dear. Your father and I have to go to the capital to meet with the Secretary of Defense." the Queen said, having walked over to the bottom of the stairs now, looking up at her son. "Top priority, you know, Ferri. In the national interest. You understand, don't you?" Ferrajalt had a sinking feeling. "What exactly am I to do to entertain," Ferrajalt said, and with exaggeration, "the Polants?" "I know it's tough for you dear, with all your siblings off at school." "Mother, what have you planned for me to do?" The Queen looked down. "I promised Edna and Showam you'd take them down to the beach in the Balsativan." "The Balsativan!" Ferrajalt exclaimed with disbelief. "Well yes dear. Your father has been teaching you to drive it, hasn't he?" The Prince looked around, angry as hell, trying to find the words. "Why does it always come to me, TO ME, to do all your, your..." "Now honey, if you can't drive it, the Polants will understand. They'll be a little disappointed, but they'll understand." "Oh I can drive it. You know I can drive it. It's just, THEM." "Now, now. The Polants are very important people. And they're our friends. You used to be quite fond of their boys when you were young." "We were all just kids! They didn't have the chance to become little evil clones of their parents yet." The Queen gave a little face of shock, which implied concordance at some level, and turned to leave. "Whatever your problems with them, you WILL show the Polants a good time. That Balsativan costs us plenty, and I'll be damned if I let it rot out there." "Don't worry. I'll make sure they're impressed." "You do that." the Queen said, and she was gone into another room. Ferrajalt walked slowly up the stairs, a draining wave of dread preying upon him. As he approached his quarters, he felt something close to panic at the thought of driving the Balsativan by himself. He had no confidence in his ability to drive it, even though he understood all the controls, at least at an academic level. But the thing was so damn big and there were so many sheer dropoffs on the way down from the mountain! But for the moment, Ferrajalt took solace in his amusement park studies, in his models, in his blueprints. And he thought, down at the Hay-Hengren Seaside, where he'd take the Polants, he could slip away and meet Martha, his secret girlfriend. He thought of her face and body, and his fear faded a little. He could do it. * * * The traffic jam sizzled in the early afternoon scorch, and Pluckemin Hacksaw lit a cigarette. He sat in his car and surveyed the scene--cars everywhere--stopped. He cursed under his breath as he looked behind--only to see cars also into the distance that way. Pluckemin was on Interarea 90 heading west through Factamane toward the city of Metraseet in Isionab. He cursed again, this time out loud, and dialed his car phone. "Hello Supbam, this is Hacksaw. Get me the Caxopy Group. Thanks." He waited impatiently. "Hello? Could you put Elaine on please? Hello? Yes, could you put Elaine on please. Thank you." He tapped the steering wheel and honked his horn for no real reason. "Hello? What do you mean she's not there? She already left? Great. Look--see if you can get her on her cellular and then patch me directly through. Can do? Thanks." More waiting. "Elaine! Elaine! Yeah I know, I can hardly hear you either. Look. Look. I won't be able to meet you in Metraseet--I'm caught in the c*nt of a traffic jam. So look--I'm gonna abandon the car and get to the nearest town. What? How the hell should I know where I am? Huh? Wait, hold on--" With this, Pluckemin put the phone on the dashboard and got out of his car and walked back a few cars to a big tractor trailer. Everyone honked at him. He knocked on the truck's door. A gruff trucker looked down at him. "What the f*ck's with you?" the trucker asked. "Look pal--you seem roadwise--can ya tell me what's the nearest town?" Pluckemin asked. "Find out when ya get there." the trucker said, laughing. Pluckemin didn't respond but had a pissed-off look on his face. He kept walking back until he got to another truck. "You look like the tail-end of a syrup caravan, pal." this trucker said. "I haven't the faintest notion what the hell you just said, but I'd deeply appreciate it if you could tell me the name of the next town on this road." "Well buddy, let's have a looksee at Mr. Map." Pluckemin smiled sarcastically. The trucker slowly and deliberately unfolded the map. "Look pal--I can see you have nothing better to do than relax and blow your horn--but I'm in a hurry so I'd appreciate if you'd stop stalling." The trucker got an old pair of glasses out of his glove compartment and put them on, squinting at the map. "Well." he finally said. "Well what?" "Well, the next town appears to be Tect, about a mile and a half up. Take about an hour, an hour and a half to get there at this rate." "Thanks pal." Pluckemin said. "Hey buddy--before you go let me give you a little advice--yesterday's twisting's tomorrow's wheat field." Pluckemin looked confused, nodded, smoothly went into shaking his head, and turn away, saying "you're a real f*ckin' lunatic." So Pluckemin went back to his car, and picked up the phone. "Elaine? Elaine? Yeah. Look, can you meet me in Tect, Factamane as soon as possible? Where? I don't know where! At the... at the bus station or something. The train station? I don't know... alright if you say so. The train station it is. I'll be there in a few minutes. I'm gonna jog over. Huh? Oh, I'm gonna flatten it. Yeah okay. See ya soon." Then he got out, got a briefcase and a jacket and hat out, then opened the glove compartment, put the brief case back in, shoved the stuff from the glove compartment into the brief case, then put the open brief case on the roof of the car, went over to the trunk opened, it, got an umbrella out, closed the trunk. Then he rummaged around in the briefcase and got out what looked like a little paper coin. He closed the brief case, put on the jacket and hat on, grabbed the brief case and the umbrella. Then he bit into the little paper coin, spit out the bit he bit off, then threw the little object, a flattener chit, into the car. He backed away, and the car creaked and then flattened out onto the pavement, as if subjected to immense gravity. In a few seconds, the car was less than and inch thick. Then he jogged over to the side of the road, but hid hat fell off so he put it back on and held it in place, and ran along the side of the road, then he stopped, cursed, and put the hat in the brief case. He tried to fit the umbrella into the briefcase too, but it was too long. So he closed the briefcase, got up, and continued running at a brisk pace toward the town of Tect. As he was running along, a guy shouted from his car "Hey *sshole!" * * * Fluffy reached over and grabbed the phone and dialed zero for the lobby. It rang once, then Drake answered. "Lllllllllllobby!" Drake said dryly. "Oh hi Drake. This is Fluffy." "Good afternoon milady." "Good, uh, afternoon. Say, I think I've been asleep a long time. Is it really 3:30 PM, Friday the 40th?" "Um--wait a second--er--yeah, that's the right time." "But the date?" "Yeah." "What?" "Yeah--it's the 40th." "Oh." "Z'anything wrong Fluffy?" Fluffy looked around, suddenly brimming with thoughts. "Milady?" Drake asked. "Hmm? Oh, no. I'm fine. Just seems I've been asleep a week, that's all. Y'know?" "Oh, I wouldn't be worried. I remember Pluckemin once slept for a whole month. Just a god sort of thing, y'know? Us mortals might not live forever, but at least our bodies are more predictable." "Yeah." Fluffy responded. There was a pause. Fluffy heard some smashing noises in the background on Drake's end. "Uh Fluffy--if that's it, there's some trouble here that I need to deal with." "No Drake, that's it. Thanks." "Always a pleasure." Drake said. Fluffy heard yelling in the background just as Drake was hanging up. Fluffy yawned and turned over onto her back, running her fingers through her long and naughty and mischievous blond hair. The drone of a distant vacuum cleaner and the ticks of her two clocks were the only noises. She opened her eyes a crack and peered at the splattered patterns of chaos in paint on her ceiling. When had she gone mad and spastic with the paint? A hundred years ago? Forty years ago? She couldn't recall. But she did remember hearing some fellow deities talking about an observation that sometimes a godbody would prepare itself automatically for a great exertion or adventure--even if the god didn't know it was coming--by slumbering a very long time. They said that it involved the reverse-time stream, and that somehow the godbody operated more in the reverse-time field than was previously thought. So maybe I'm going to face some fantastically draining experience this day, Fluffy thought as she got out of bed and stretched in an exaggerated yawn. Hers was a relaxed, almost lazy beauty, and her lovely body was about that of a 25-year-old. Her face was full of warmth and assurance and meditation and outer space. She stood five foot eight, but her crazy hair made her seem taller. In near-darkness she walked across the suprafuzziness of her white rug, amid the stuffed animals and smooth metal bottles, and wound her way to the bathroom. She entered the shower, deep in musing on what might lay ahead. Usually on any given day she would wander around the Hotel and the City to see what was going on. She planned to do no different today, but resolved to be on the lookout for anything suspicious. The shower was warm and deep. Deeper, she thought, than it should be. Deep and mystical and hot and flowing. She realized things were not altogether right with the world today, and this made her more anxious to go out and see what was awaiting her. After toweling herself dry, Fluffy donned her outfit. Her clothes were mainly white and gray and loose-fitting and ripped-up. With wisps and silver strands and such it almost looked like she was wearing insane spider webs. But still, the suit emanated practicality and straightforwardness, like a sweatsuit. The clothes and the hair and the beauty indeed gave her a powerful and paranormal appearance appropriate to a goddess. One of the advantages of being a goddess was that she didn't need to wear any makeup; her appearance was certain to be stunning in nearly any circumstance. She often pitied the mortal and denizen women who were always in such a tizzy over their appearance. Sometimes Fluffy wondered what it was like to be physically old, but she was glad she'd never have to experience it. After dressing, Fluffy clasped on a belt, which had several pouches and compartments hanging from it, in which she kept money, keys, a watch, a cellular phone, pens, candy, and other such knickknacks. Then she left her room, made sure the door was locked, and strode down to the elevators. In the elevator bay, Fluffy looked out the window to the big City below. It was around 4:30 PM now, and the Bright was in the latter half of its arc. The Bright wasn't the Sun--but an equivalent light source--about twice the diameter of the sun, pure white, and able to be looked at without retinal damage. The sky of Agoopish was always a shade of gray, and the clouds jet black. There were no stars, but strangely, the moon was there and went through its phases just as it did on Earth. Fluffy liked the sky of Earth much better, even though she didn't get to see it very often. The elevator arrived, and Fluffy got in. The only other person inside was a very ill-looking bald guy. She didn't recognize him, and he shied away when she looked at him. She decided not to talk to him. The doors closed and they sped down toward the main lobby. The elevator arrived and Fluffy got out and walked toward the front door, past Cudworth and Drake, the Hotel managers. Cudworth was a mortal with a pleasant personality, and appeared to be in his mid-50s. His shape was rotund, his head nearly bald--a few white wisps left. He seemed jolly, if a bit confused. Drake, also a mortal, was thinner and shorter than Cudworth. He seemed to be in his 60s, and had a huge, bizarre shock of white hair on his head. He was known to be clever and mischievous, but also moody and severe when provoked. Both Cudworth and Drake wore mock-military-style uniforms. "Hey Fluffy--feel plenty rested?" Cudworth yelled out suddenly. Fluffy turned around. "I certainly do Cudworth." she said, coming over. "So what events of magnitude have I missed this past week?" "Oh, you know, the usual. Well has this big debate going. El found some more hinterland ruins to explore. And Cxoven's throwing a party for everyone--you believe that?" said Cudworth. "Really? That's a shocker. Sounds like one of his practical jokes." "Nope. He guarantees that it's legit." Cudworth said as he rummaged through the papers on his desk. "So where you off to--some cosmos-shattering adventure? A mission of grave importance? An ordeal of self-discovery?" "No, just down to the bookstore." "Heh--thank goodness for goddesses like you, Fluffy. I'm beginning to think the folks around here are getting a bit too grandiose for their own good." "They are, Cuds. They are." "Well, have fun at the store." "Thanks. See ya later." Fluffy turned and walked toward the doors, but Cudworth called after her. "Oh, Fluffy--can you see if they got the new Marv Metuchen book in?" "Yeah sure--what's the title." Fluffy said, turning around lithely. "I don't quite remember, but I think it's something like 'The Blankets Don't Generate the Heat, It's the People That Generate the Heat'." "Well, if I see any new Metuchen book about heat generation, I'll pick it up for you." "My sincere thanks." Cudworth said. "My sincere your welcome." Fluffy said, turning and walking out the door. Outside on the street there was heavy humidity and heat. The area around the Hotel had a great deal of gaudy and extravagant architecture, and street venders lined the sidewalks. Fluffy took in the sights and sounds as she headed downtown. After a few minutes she arrived at the Fulptiom Valley Bookstore, in one of the major commercial centers of the City. Inside, she browsed around the Earthbook import section. She was much more interested in new books from Earth than new Agoopibooks. She used to be interested in the books coming out of the other Overt Cities, especially Blamnoom, but of late she grew tired of the Deific style and attitude. Having slept a week, she was hopeful for some good new arrivals, but there really wasn't any-thing of interest to her, other than a new reference series, of which only a few volumes were in stock. She looked for the Metuchen book Cudworth had wanted, but saw nothing new. In fact, the Metuchen shelf was nearly empty. She guessed that Marv Metuchen had regained some of his former popularity. After some more browsing, Fluffy was about to leave, but she spied a skinny kid with glasses in the back of the store opening a newly-arrived box. On a whim, she walked back and approached the kid. "Hey, what have ya got there?" she inquired pleasantly. "You're not supposed to be back here, Miss." the kid said in a bratty stuffed-nose tone of voice . Fluffy was a bit taken aback by this little creep of a denizen speaking to her thus, but she figured he must not recognize her as a goddess--either that, or he was stupid or suicidal. Not that she would do anything to hurt him, but she knew other goddesses who'd likely slap him around and get him fired on the spot. Not Fluffy, though. She was the patient one, the calm one. "Sorry kid. Anyway, what's in the box?" Fluffy asked. "Nothing you can see. And my name's not kid--it's Ben." the kid responded. Fluffy was a bit perturbed. "Look Ben, let's make this simple. I'm Fluffy Netherf*ck. I live at the Hotel." "Oh." Ben said, avoiding looking at her. "Oh. I'm sorry. My eyes aren't too good you know." "Well Ben." Fluffy said, looking at the box. "Okay." Ben said as he opened the box with a knife, revealing a shipment of the new Marv Metuchen book, 'Blankets Don't Generate Heat--People Generate Heat'. "Well, how delightful--just the book I'm looking for." Fluffy said in a semi-sarcastic tone. "Take as many as you want." Ben said, looking away. "Even though we're not supposed to put 'em out till Monday." "Look, I only want one, Ben." Fluffy said, taking a freshly printed copy out of the box. "And I am going to pay for it." "Yeah." Ben said, still looking away. "Look kid--you oughtn't act so fresh around deities--you're likely to get disadvantaged, if you see what I mean. You're lucky I'm a nice goddess." Fluffy said. Ben paused, and then said "Yeah, I know. Sorry." "Well I'm just warning you. I'm taking this book to Cudworth--and once word gets out, there'll be a slew of godfolk down here for this Blanket book. You better talk to your manager and tell her to put some extra copies behind the counter." "I'll do that." Ben said. "Good." Fluffy said. "And wise up for goodness sake--you're lucky enough to work at a book-store--so don't blow it by pissing off a Supbamite" "I appreciate the advice milady. Thank you." "That's more like it--but I'm not here to lord it over you, even though I am a goddess. But get that Bright-sized chip off your shoulder if you know what's good." "Yes." Ben said. "Well, bye-bye." Fluffy said, and took the book to the counter. The cashier was a tired looking middle-aged woman. Fluffy handed her the book. "I know this book's not on sale yet, but I'd like to buy it." said Fluffy. "Nooooooooo problem." the woman said, taking the book and typing a code into her cash register. "Look, uh," Fluffy said, glancing at the cashier's name tag. "Doris--I'm a bit confused by the sarcasm. I'm not trying to give you a hard time--but why such disrespect? Like I said to Ben in the back, I don't particularly mind--but some of my fellow Hotel residents would likely be most pissed-off. Get it?" "Well," Doris said, continuing to type into the cash register. "I'm sorry. It's just that none of our regular customers get such special treatment. I'm just not used to being in the company of gods, and my life's been pretty depressing recently. I just get--fed up. Maybe I have PMS. I don't know." "Oh." Fluffy said "Well I understand, but some of my fellows most assuredly wouldn't. Just please take my advice and be as respectful and normal as possible when a god comes by. That's all I'm saying." "I appreciate the warning, but I tell you--my son works up at the Hotel, and he says you guys are just like normal people when someone gets to know you. So I find it hard to bow and scrape hearing the things I hear from him." "Oh that's great--why don't you tell a goddess some more about how your son blabbers around gossip about us? Real swift, Doris." "Well, I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel. That'll be $24.95--you are exempt from taxes, I assume." "Yes I am." Fluffy said, handing over a $25 dollar bill. "It's one of the biggest perks of being in this figurehead business" "Thanks. Here's your nickel." Fluffy took the nickel, and departed, saying "If anyone else comes to get this book--just be real nice to 'em--that's all I'm saying." Fluffy walked out into the street, book in hand, back toward the Hotel. Many of the people Fluffy passed on the street stared at her, but this was to be expected. She felt comfortable with the Agoopi denizens, but at the same time very distant. But distance was her domain, and she could appreciate aesthetic qualities in it that others couldn't even begin to fathom. Soon Fluffy got back to the Hotel, and she noticed a huge banner hanging on the side of the immense building. It was in brown letters on a white background, reading "tanner loblolly --you can just forget about going to the dance with me tonight. I found someone else much better to go with. I don't even know why I asked you in the first place. I trust I won't see you there." Fluffy wondered what the hell the deal was with the banner. She knew of several gods and goddesses who were fond of putting up such banners--but who was Tanner Loblolly? Fluffy shrugged and entered the lobby and walked over to Cudworth, who was talking to a fat maintenance guy. "Hey Cuds--look what I found." Fluffy said, holding the Marv Metuchen the book up. "Huh? Uh?" Cudworth said, looking back and forth from the maintenance guy to Fluffy. "Oh--Fluffy! You found it! Bless you!" "No problem. I hope you like it. Personally, I'm not too big on Metuchen, but I can see the appeal. Apparently he's gotten much more popular recently. I like the title on this one, though." "Oh yes. Yes. 'Blankets Don't Generate Heat--People Generate Heat'. I almost remembered it right. Can't wait to read it." Cudworth said, admiring the cover of the book. "Oh, Fluffy--how much do I owe you?" "Don't worry about it Cudworth--this one's on the house." "Oh really--" "--no, I insist. Just remember this next time I get stuck in the elevator." "With these elevators? Forget it. Never happen. These new elevators are infallible and perfect. But thank you very much." "Famous last words. About the elevators I mean, not the thanks." Just then, Fluffy looked over toward the elevator bay and saw a guy walking around in circles and mumbling to himself. She stared at him, and Cudworth took notice. "He just came storming in here--says Janine wrote a banner outside breaking a date with him. Says he just got to Agoopish. Now he's trying to summon Janine. I tried to talk him out of it, but he's pretty far gone. I figure Janine'll straighten him out." "Yeah, one way or another." Fluffy said. "Summoning? Who ever heard of that any more? Well excuse me--I don't want to miss this." "Check." Cudworth said. Fluffy moved over to a column near one side of the elevator bay and nonchalantly leaned against it, glancing over at the fellow who she assumed was the Tanner Loblolly from the banner. Tanner was tall, over six feet, and had messy dark brown hair down to his shoulders, and a thick unkempt beard, but no mustache. He wore a pair of brown rugged-pants, a gray sweater, a pair of sh*tty moccasins, and a lightweight black jacket with the words GULLIA FAIR VERODARE on the back in big yellow letters. His messy hair and general disorder instantly appealed to Fluffy. And the fact that he was trying to summon Janine Engineen, of all things, was highly amusing. Tanner continued meandering around, and muttering Janine over and over again. Then, all of a sudden, Janine disappeared in, hovering, with her back to the wall. Fluffy noted that the maps on Janine's shirt were writhing and animated to an unusually active degree--a sign that she was pretty pissed-off. She heard Tanner blurt out "Hey what's going on, huh? With that sign outside and stuff? If you didn't wanna go with me, why not just tell me? Why broadcast it all over the City? I wanted to go to a dance or something to get acquainted with some, y'know, some people on this world. What's the problem? What--what's your problem? You were nice before in the theater." Janine had a smug look on her face, but Fluffy could tell she was holding her anger in. Then Janine looked up and saw Fluffy, and pointed toward her. "Ask her." Janine said simply. Then Janine disappeared out and was gone. Tanner turned toward Fluffy, and his eyes lit up. He stared at her with a naïve and innocent sort of wondrous lust. Obviously this kid is totally lost and deluded, Fluffy thought. I'll be nice to him and help him since he seems to be a mortal and he's kinda cute with that hair and all. Tanner continued to stare. "Uh, hello there." Fluffy said. "Er, hello." Tanner responded, approaching hesitantly. "What was that all about?" "Well uh--this Janine uh--goddess--we just had a little--uh--a little disagreement." "Huh. You're lucky it was just a little one." "She said to ask you about it." "I heard her." "Oh." "You can ask me about it if you want, but I can't guarantee an answer." "I don't even know what the question is anymore." "That's not too helpful." "I know." Fluffy leaned back against the column. "So," she said "You the Tanner Loblolly mentioned on the banner outside?" Tanner looked away. "Yeah, that's me. Real nice of her to broadcast my name everywhere like that." "You know a lot of people here in Agoopish?" "No. I mean, just a few people. I've only been here a couple of hours." "Keep telling people that and you're likely to get taken advantage of. Don't you know deception's the name of the game around here? Always pretend to know even if you haven't the foggiest." "Sort of like high school." he said. "I suppose so." Fluffy was gleeful at having found something amusing to do. They both looked around. "Well Tanner, I suppose I have you at a disadvantage. I am Fluffy Netherf*ck of Agoopish, Goddess of Distance." she said as she extended her hand. "Uh, I'm Tanner Utopis Loblolly of Gullia Fair, um, high school student and novice occultist." Tanner said, and then he shook hands with Fluffy. "Pleased to meet you." Fluffy said as she shook his hand with exaggerated vigor. As they were shaking hands, Tanner got light headed and felt a tingling sensation in his groin. He stumbled backward a little in dizziness. "You okay?" Fluffy asked. "Yeah," Tanner said, regaining his composure. "yeah. I'm fine. Fine." "What's the matter--never touched a goddess before?" "Uh--um--no, I don't think so. I think you're the first one I've ever touched. As far as I know." "Well that's exciting. Your first contact and all." "Yeah." "So anyway Tanner, I'm not especially busy right now, so if you'd like, we could go downstairs and relax and talk about you and Janine and stuff." Fluffy said as she walked over to the elevators and pressed the down button. "Yeah. I mean, sure. Let's go." Tanner said, following her to the elevators. "We can go down to Cellar Sixteen--that's usually a fun little venue." Tanner looked around nervously. "So I take it you're from out of town." Fluffy said. "Yeah. I just got in. I--I mean I just found it really, Agoopish. I never knew it was real. Always thought it was a myth." Tanner said, looking at Fluffy. "Thank goodness most earthlings do. This City's crowded enough as it is." "I don't know how I'm taking this so calmly. I mean, I would have thought I'd totally go spaz finding out Agoopish was real and going there." Fluffy suddenly remembered her long sleep and the mental note she made to be wary for anything out of the ordinary. Could she wind up in some misadventure with this mortal? It was possible, but she doubted it. He was apt to get into trouble, however. One of the elevators sounded a bell and the doors slid open. Fluffy motioned for Tanner to enter, and then followed him in. She pushed the button marked C-16, and the doors closed. They began whurring downwards. "So you'd heard stuff about Agoopish before you came here?" Fluffy said. "Yeah." Tanner said "You know--in books and stuff in the library there are stories and reports on Agoopish and the other Overt Cities. What are the other ones--Blamnoom, Felptash, Ocpadusk--and isn't there a smaller city without any gods, called Boltpike? Yeah. But no one seems to take this information seriously." "Well the thing is that the earthlings are mindwise repelled from accepting such a thing as Agoopish. Even if faced with undoubtable evidence, they'll disbelieve. So the fact that you're here and coping with it makes you a mortal for sure." "Isn't everyone--every non-god--a mortal?" "No--in our semantics, mortals are those who can travel from Earth to the Cities freely, and handle the illogic of it all." The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened, revealing Cellar Sixteen, a large open area with plush red carpet, fountains, indoor plants, lounges, and lots of people hanging around. Also, on the far side of the space was a subway platform, and a subway was just pulling out. Tanner and Fluffy exited the elevator. "Well I guess I'm a mortal then. Is that like something great or something?" "Why Tanner my dear--being a mortal's almost as good as being a god--maybe even better." "Huh?" "I can see you've got a lot to learn. Let's go get some coffee." "Okay." They strode across the Cellar toward a coffee bar. "You like coffee?" Fluffy asked. "Yeah, sure. Drink it all the time." Tanner answered. "They have great coffee here." Fluffy said "The best. We call it Tan Venom." "Cool." Tanner said. *OW* [[19004AX]] Appendix Confused? Here's Everything You Need to Know! (This information is reprinted every issue in essentially the same form.) The ezine OsoaWeek is the central product of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Each weekly issue is prepared as a plain vanilla ASCII file not less than 50K and not exceeding 100K, with the goal of being readable on as many computers as possible. Mac users will likely get little boxes on the lefthand column--this is due to the "hard return" needed at the end of every line on DOS machines. You can live with them, or search-and-replace them away (but please don't distribute any altered copies of OW!). Meaning of codes: The first two-digit number is the sequential section number in this issue of OsoaWeek. The next three-digit number is the issue number of this OsoaWeek. The last element, a 2-character code, is shorthand for a given feature. To search: To find the beginning of the next section, search for the string containing two lefthand brackets with no spaces. To find a particular section, search for the string containing two lefthand brackets followed by the two-digit section number, with no spaces. To find a particular feature, search for the string containing the two-character code followed by two righthand brackets, with no spaces. Using the latter method, you can find a particular feature in any issue of OsoaWeek without even referring to the contents. The Contents are divided into three sections: (a) the introductory, informative, housekeeping sort of features, (b) stuff directly relating to the playing of Osoa, such as new Fonostas, events, info, etc., and (c) the general entertaining and informative section. These three areas are casual and separated for ease of use. To make it easy, in EVERY issue of OsoaWeek, the first section starts with Masthead (MH), the second with State of Obliviana (SO), and the third with Hemisinister Review (HR). 1-800-OBLIVIANA--This toll-free number can be called anytime from any phone in the Continental USA for the latest information on Obliviana, including samples of Obliviana sound bites! Acknowledgments: I would like to thank my girlfriend Kerri for putting up with me while I spend countless hours developing OsoaWeek--thanks Kerri, I love you! This Appendix is located at the end of the file because it contains boring, repetitive info you wouldn't want in your way. Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa) is an endeavor created by Frank Edward Nora, AKA, Lord of Obliviana. Osoa is fully independent and not affiliated with any other organization, belief, etc. Here's a detailed introduction to Osoa: You know there's something else going on in this world, but you can't quite pin it down. And you know there's something else going on with YOU. But it ever eludes you, and teases you, these glimpses of otherness. On the subject of explaining the world, people generally consider that science and religion form a complete scale. Science dealing with the measurable and observable, and religion dealing with the supernatural and mysterious. But really, science is limited to physical measurement and observation, and religion is limited to gods, supernatural beings, how the world was created, and what happens to us when we die. But if you consider it, there is a vast realm of human experience which does not fall into either category. It is this realm that I call Obliviana. Dreams, hunches, deja vu, luck, humor, creativity, emotions, intuition, events "working themselves out", psychic phenomenon, the atmospheres of certain places, memories from childhood, ruts, coincidence, "small world", and more. These are just the tip of the iceberg in Obliviana! Who knows what other exhilarating phenomena await our exploration? With the dawn of the Digital Superworld, that complex and ever-expanding interconnection of computers, networks, and the like, the realm of human endeavor is drastically changed. We have glimpsed a danger in the mesmerizing qualities of even the worst television. In the Digital Superworld, this effect is magnified by several orders of magnitude--so even the cheapest and most worthless online activities become irresistibly engaging and addictive. Imagine a population fully engaged in such tripe--jacked in, spending more and more time engrossed in such pointless, empty activities as computers and robots do more and more of the work. Not a pretty picture, is it? It is partially with the intent of preventing this nightmare that Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa) was established on July 28, 1994. Osoa is the first and greatest endeavor to provide the world with a viable, broad-based, universally-compelling endeavor to provide CONTEXT in the Digital Superworld. The exploration of Obliviana can be undertaken in a wild variety of ways. Check out the eleven Osoa Flowers (introduced in OsoaWeek001) for details. Also check out the first issue for details on establishing your very own Fonosta! Osoa is an innovative and far-reaching game. Why a game? Well, aren't most explorations really games when you come right down to it? And, as a practical matter, some of the elements in Obliviana are too bizarre to be presented as anything OTHER than a game. So Obliviana as game can be looked at as shielding and candy-coating, but can also be viewed as cutting to the heart of the matter--hey, exploring the realm of Obliviana is not vital to our ongoing survival, but it is pretty darn entertaining and satisfying. It is with the game of Obliviana running on the ever-expanding Digital Superworld that we can abandon the mediocrity of the past and make something very new, wild, and now. *OW* [[END004OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----