|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 003--8/11/94 <-------  ||  OsoaWeek  ||  Issues  ||  Book 1  ||  -------> (Cup OWis003, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN003OW]] [[01003MH]] OsoaWeek003, August 11, 1994 Published by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Contact via e-mail at obliviana@aol.com, via voice at 1-800-OBLIVIANA, or via snailmail at 37 Gill Lane, Suite 119, Iselin, NJ 08830, USA. On America Online, contact via "Obliviana". Copyright 1994 by Frank Edward Nora. Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim electronic copies of this ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction are forbidden without express written permission from Frank Edward Nora. This file should contain approximately 94651 characters and 2690 lines. OsoaWeek originates in the United States of America. Statement of Purpose: OsoaWeek is the weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa), an innovative and far-reaching game with an eye on the future. See the Appendix at the end of this file for a clear explanation of what Osoa is all about. And check out the Sneak Preview below (after Contents) for an overview of what's inside this issue! *OW* [[02003CN]] Contents of OsoaWeek003 BEGIN 01 003 MH--Masthead 02 003 CN--Contents 03 003 SP--Sneak Preview 04 003 LO--Lord of Obliviana Revelry 05 003 EM--Your E-Mail is Gonna Come 06 003 NH--Nihilistica 07 003 CO--Catalog of Obliviana * * * 08 003 SO--The State of Osoa 09 003 FW--Fonosta World * * * 10 003 HR--Hemisinister Review 11 003 HT--Halfevil Times 12 003 NJ--New Jersey 13 003 ZP--Zope 14 003 FE--Friction Enhancer 15 003 SU--Superior 16 003 SR--Severe Repair 17 003 AX--Appendix END Unless otherwise noted, all contents are by Frank Edward Nora. See Appendix for more information on the Contents, codes, and searching. *OW* [[03003SP]] Sneak Preview of OsoaWeek003 Welcome to the wonderful universe of OsoaWeek003! This is the third weekly installment of the ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement--and it really is chock full of excellent stuff for your pleasure. I know you're gonna love it! Here's the lowdown, check it out... Lord of Obliviana Revelry (04003LO) deals with that mistaken notion that the 90's were supposed to be cool and hip like the 60's. Also, you've heard of VR, RISC, VRAM, RGB and the like--well, get ready for DENTA--the coolest new computer megaconcept! Your E-Mail is Gonna Come (05003EM) presents a real letter! An actual, real, honest-to-goodness letter, as opposed to the fake ones of the last two issues. Isn't that great? Did I mention it's REAL? A REAL LETTER! Nihilistica (06003NH) covers its usual span of lists, info, quips, reference, and the like! This time, check out a special message for all friendly time travellers from the future! Also, get into a complete list of Pelter clip textures. If that's not more than enough, you'll also get a secret coffee recipe and a preview of "Diary of a Dreamfrank". Sheesh! Are you lucky or what? Catalog of Obliviana (07003CO) let's you in on all the excellent artifacts available via mail order. Actual stuff you can get! Stuff with weight, with mass! Stuff that's not totally digital! Check out the brand new "Read This or Die!" and a lot of other cool stuff! Buy. The State of Osoa (08003SO) what's so great about the number 209? I thought you'd never ask! It's all here--well--a sketchy overview of the nature of 209 is here, at least. Your first step into an amazing realm--the realm of Obliviana! Fonosta World (09003FW) gives you Fonosta 002, "Maximo the Optic". Send in your Fonosta and you, too, will appear in the amazing Fonosta World! Hemisinister Review (10003HR) asks the pressing question "What the hell's with this Fruitopia crap?" Also, check out what's hot and what's not in the world of hot pepper! And click that clicker with a look at what to watch on cable, including "Absolutely Fabulous", "Newsweasels", and "Howard Stern". Halfevil Times (11003HT) brings you more sick amusement, but some on, you know you like it! This time, perceive and ponder some perceptions and ponderings, read some more of those wacky classified ads, and find out who would win in a fight in the original and the best, "Classic Fights"! Lose your composure with Halfevil Times! New Jersey (12003NJ) gives you two more cool places to venture forth to in the Garden State. This time, seek out "The Devil Tree", a horribly evil tree standing in the middle of an ominous field. Also, visit one of the coolest stores in NJ, as well as the planet--Incogneeto! Zope (13003ZP) has our hero in a strange situation--being reprimanded for killing billions of innocent people--by being forced to be a camp counselor. Hypernatural mayhem soon ensues in "Get Harpoon, The Game". Friction Enhancer (14003FE) challenges you to mix together V-8. Yoo-Hoo, and Welch's Grape Soda--and drink the resultant concoction. This and other weird mixtures await you with "Reality Tonic"! Superior (15003SU) starts off with "I area to deeply voice a booming call", swerves insanely through "pretty road, dark dangerous river", to "the blond braids of honor and hyperdesire" and finally to "eel din din el men in din jepser tee", with a lot in-between! What the hell! Severe Repair (16003SR) #3 is "Goodbye Popcorn", an awesome tale of how Daptin Gone and Fake Cerquaine equip themselves for a fateful mission at Nashin-Yogo's Basement-Wall-Thursday Mortal Supply House! Plus weird faeries! Appendix (17003AX) is just about exactly the same as last time, but what the heck--it's the stuff you need to know--and not everyone has instant access to the back issues! NEXT WEEK: OsoaWeek004, August 18, 1994--More coolness, don't you know! *OW* [[04003LO]] Lord of Obliviana Revelry Back in the late 80's there was this idea that history runs in 30-year cycles, and that the 90's would be like the 60's, only a lot more revolutionary. In some movie or other, a character said "the 90's will make the 60's look like the 50's". Well, here we are, approaching 1995, and the 90's are still pretty lame. But I have to admit, the chaos of the 60's didn't really start until '66 or '67. So the 30-year theory hasn't yet been proven wrong. But to my mind, we don't have an atmosphere now which could lead to such exciting, destructive social changes in such a short time. But then there's the emergence of the Digital Superworld, its electronic shadow being cast over all aspects of life. Will this manifest as a true revolution in two or three years? Let me tell you what I have in mind. Pundits are always going on and on about all the things that will be possible once we have fiber optics wired into everyone's home. But this whole fiber optic thing is the obsession of narrow minds. What we need for fantastic Digital Superworld experiences is not the ability to broadcast massive amounts of video and other data from place to place, but rather, a powerful 3-D rendering engine on top of everyone's TV set containing vast libraries of objects, characters, sounds, textures, and the like--as could be accomplished via CD-ROM. With such a setup, a very limited two-way datastream (as in our current phone system) could communicate descriptive information, which the system would then render. And to me, any of a variety of video game systems coming out next year will be suitable to the task. We're talking the Atari Jaguar, Sega Saturn, Nintendo Ultra 64, and others. Equipped with a CD-ROM and modem, any of these systems, each costing around $500 all told, will be able to bring a universe of wonder home! This is what I have termed DENTA (Diligent Electronic Nesting Transmutational Artificer). This sort of setup has a vast amount of potential to make many other forms of entertainment obsolete. For example, why transmit movies as a series of images? With DENTA, a 2-hour movie can be transmitted as a series of instructions, for characters, objects, and locations already resident in your DENTA engine. This way, the transmitted file could be very small. There would be any number of DENTA CD-ROMS, continuously updated, allowing for a vast array of electronic services and entertainment! This is how I see Obliviana Primal going online. You will get a DENTA CD-ROM for OP, and then dial up a phone number, and be immersed in a fully-interactive, vast 3-D universe. Basically, you'd be able to move around in an enormous world, and do a dizzying array of things. And the thing is, this technology will be commonly available in 1995! So maybe the revolution of the late 90's will be the DENTA revolution! And maybe, just maybe, Osoa will be at the heart of the DENTA revolution! Cross your fingers. *OW* [[05003EM]] Your E-Mail is Gonna Come Hey Frank ! Finally got some time to d/l and read your new Zine. Congratulations on your stunning achievement. I was delighted with much of your commentary and enthralled by the scope and breadth of your work. I must confess that much of the contents went way, way above my head (not really a difficult thing to do) but, I still enjoyed that which I could grok and look forward to future issues and, hopefully, a more complete understanding of exactly what's going on. Sincerely, John ;-) * * * John, Thank you so much for the kind comments. I must correct you, though, on one point. OsoaWeek is an EZINE, not a "zine". A zine is inherently pretty crummy and amateurish, but an ezine is simply, to my mind, an electronic magazine, which has the potential to be great. Anyway, sorry for the outburst, but I can't stand the term "zine". It puts my stomach in knots every time I hear it. But no matter, it was a simple mistake, and "ezine" is just one letter off from "zine". As far as stuff going over your head, don't worry. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by OsoaWeek myself. I mean, I've been working on it for such a long time, and there's so much going on, it's hard to grasp all at once. But stick with it, and eventually you'll get it! *OW* [[06003NH]] Nihilistica ***ATTENTION ALL TIME TRAVELLERS!*** Since OsoaWeek is an electronic publication, it should remain available for people to read for the rest of human history! Because of this, I assume that at some point in the future, either through science, magic, or Obliviana, people will have the power of time travel. So if you're a time traveller reading this, come back to August 11, 1994 and mail us some goodies! Send them to Osoa, 37 Gill Lane, Suite 119, Iselin, NJ 08830, USA! We'd especially like VHS copies of all but the first three Star Wars films, a CD-ROM with all stock market prices from 1994 to 2044, a copy of The New York Times from 2010 when whatever that big disaster is occurs, details on the final fate of Bill & Hillary Clinton, chemical composition and production details of the panacea which cures all diseases and allows people to live for 900 years, Greatest Hits of the '90s CD's, nude photos of Michael Jackson's and Lisa Marie Presley's daughter when she's all grown up, smoke-flavored Tic-Tacs, or heck, just surprise us! No weapons of mass destruction, deadly viruses, or NKOTB albums, please. Thank you kindly, all you nice future people with time travel ability! ***THE WORLD OF PELTER CLIP TEXTURES*** PELTER TEA PARTY (available now on Pelter CD-ROM) Aisle, Alice, Amble, Barker, Butterscotch, Cathedral, Cream, Dust, Escalator, Fad, Florence, Gadget, GodFetus, Herkimer, Lingo, Listen, Lolly, Mock, Nanny, Newglass, Nurse, OverTheHills, Pliers, Primordial, Tiger, TowerOne, Toybox, Treats, Victoria, Wombat, Wrecker, Zany PELTER HARD ROCK (available now on Pelter CD-ROM) Audrey, Booze, Calamity, Carbonize, ChainSaw, Coal, Cyber, Dean, Dorm, Engulf, Helens, Holler, Ingot, Jangle, Jupiter, Like, Liquor, Madison, Molten, Moray, Ordnance, Ore, Peer, Pennsylvania, React, Ripsaw, Rockplace, Scramble, Seneca, Sex, Viper, Xylem PELTER FAR OUT (available now on Pelter CD-ROM) Bantam, Blotto, Canola, Celestial, CornOilSea, Cosmiclike, Dawnmare, Dodo, Donner, Ferris, Gush, Hullabaloo, Incursion, Initiative, Jaunt, Knight, Lady, Lens, Lost, MagicBus, Noble, Operation, Reefer, RollerCoaster, Sapient, Shroom, Stuff, Torrent, Tribulation, Trifle, TuneIn, Ultrascope PELTER PEACEFUL (available now on Pelter CD-ROM) Bermuda, Borealis, Coy, Detergent, Feminine, Flare, Flock, GodKnee, Halo, Hazy, Healers, Here, Ignite, Jethro, Last, Love, Mage, Marathon, Oceans, OddSand, Peddler, Perch, Pylon, Relax, Roller, Saturate, SeaDay, Stage, Thermal, Titan, Uncloud, Witness PELTER RUSTIC (available now on Pelter CD-ROM) 1876, 1975, Atoll, Bishop, Cabin, Child, Columbus, Commoner, Country, Creek, EarlyAutumn, GasGiant, Halloween, Hen, Herbalist, Hierarch, Icon, Mall, Marsh, Moat, NewHay, Parch, Reactor, Rope, Ruin, Rust, Shift, Snicker, Stitch, Store, Vine, Zest PELTER MUSEUM (available now on Pelter CD-ROM) 1776, Abandon, Airline, Ape, Bump, CafeWall, City, Communist, Cup, Damage, Dis, Exister, Expensive, Fashion, Flake, FoolsGold, Fugue, General, Goody, GreatRace, Gulf, NovaCamo, Orient, Outback, Paperer, Pawn, Royalty, Skirt, Sluff, Softener, Tribe, Wrench PELTER DARK (available now on Pelter CD-ROM) Alaska, Alien, AllFalse, Blink, Brew, Brick, Congo, Cove, Crossbow, Crowd, Dane, Din, FlyOver, Glacier, Gut, Hal, Hoop, HornHat, Hotel, Infernal, Isomer, Lichen, LighterFluid, Matchbook, Neuron, OldEye, Plowshare, Racetrack, The, Uncovered, Unwelcome, Wheatfield PELTER MODERN AGE (available now on Pelter CD-ROM) 1983, Admission, Blackjack, ChemLab, Citation, Comb, Conditioner, DejaVu, Dorian, Foam, Frozen, Hero, Holiday, LavaCollect, Masterful, Medal, Micro, Minnow, Office, Overtake, Pepper, Poppy, Scientific, Scribble, Season, Shaver, SkateShad, Spade, Spell, Starboard, Try, Weird PELTER WHAMMY (not yet released) Gearloose, GreatSeal, Gee, Guy, Hence, Hindu, KingArthur, KnaveOfSpades, Lag, LapisKing, M80, Manhattan, MisterTaco, Note, OlderGala, Politic, Quadrillion, ShowerCurtain, SixtiesBabe, Snipper, Snow, Spaced, TapestryDune, Tick, Toytown, TrueIcePhoto, Unit, Universing, Whenfield, Wilderness, Xed, Zixel PELTER HAPPENING (not yet released) 1981, Ale, Aspirin, Balm, Bonnie, Cares, Cheyenne, Classictronica, Crunch, Depress, DisasterClass, EyeFun, FoxyLady, FutureCoolBuilding, GodInHeaven, Habanero, InProgress, Learn, Morristown, NearSummer, PalaceGallivant, Phloem, Polliwog, Poly, PsychicWave, Shiva, SillyTale, StreetFighter, SuperRiot, Total, Twinkle, Wilderdark PELTER MOIST (not yet released) ArtificialColor, AxeMutiny, AztecBull, Basketball, Corporation, FairyDreadnaught, FertileHill, FuturePopularColors, GinRummy, Ic, Knack, Lease, Leopard, Lie, Narwhal, Nipple, Offensive, OutBackDoor, PearlRoad, Plateau, Pshaw, RawDeal, Roosevelt, Route22Day, ShipAtNight, SouthXarilina, SuperColSponge, TheReflex, Tobacco, Tunic, UltraTree, Wren PELTER CAMPUS (not yet released?) ArtGirl, Behavior, BioLab, Bong, ChickenMouse, Creator, Destructive, Evil, GodBullet, GoodMorning, GrapeSoda, Guitar, Horny, Hut, JackDaniels, KungFu, Lisa, LSD, MusicChannel, Nerd, Occult, Parcheesi, Pussy, RedBaron, Rushmore, SopwithCamel, Tiedye, UFO, UltimateOctober, Vodka, Weapon, Youth PELTER MILITARY (in development) PELTER DEJA VU (in development) PELTER MONTE CARLO (in development) PELTER LAWN (in development) ***COFFEE RECIPE REVEALED*** Folgers Coffee Singles (little microwave coffee bags a la tea bags) are better than instant coffee, but not as good as real coffee. But, if you add a little Postum, it becomes a fine brew! Check it out! (Postum is a bizarre, molasses imbued, coffee substitute for Mormons and others who can't have caffeine, even the trace amount in decaf!) ***DIARY OF A DREAMFRANK TO RETURN*** A few years ago I did a magazine which included a feature called "Diary of a Dreamfrank", which was a bit high concept, in that it contained excerpts from the diary that my dream self would be writing, if undeed my dream self were writing a diary. That is, each entry is written as a diary entry, in the first person, but is a real dream I had. I think I'll bring this feature back sometime soon--but for now, here's a sample from three-and-a-half years ago... February 20, 1991 As a government agent, me and my fellow agents raided a new age shop and confiscated its wares. From there, I brought home a little blue coaster with a girl's face on it, and a threatening message written on the back. A gang of evil shapeshifters posing as a family of goats knocked on the basement door--I yelled for them to leave because it's private property, and they did, since they must obey all laws, but they came right back, having gotten off for a moment. Later in the backyard I was knocking down trees by powerfully punching them, and then tossing them into the woods to create art or something. I left a few standing so my parents wouldn't be too pissed-off. Later, I met George Bush in an elevator, but he left his camera behind. I returned it to him, and as a favor, he visited a woman friend of mine and flopped onto a bed with her. *OW* [[07003CO]] Catalog of Obliviana With more and more of your life switching over to digital, isn't it nice to be able to obtain something unique to the physical world? That's what Obliviana Artifacts are all about! Each one is signed, numbered, stamped, and very limited! So for the best in non-digital thrills, order often from the mighty Catalog of Obliviana! You can always call 1-800-OBLIVIANA to check out how many of a given Artifact are left, and also reserve an item. Your Artifact will be held for 5 business days, awaiting your order. I keep two of everything, so the initial amount available is at least two less than the total. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 34 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! OSOAWEEK001 HARD COPY VERSION ONE The entire text of OsoaWeek001 output on four legal-size sheets of paper. Only ten copies were made, and it will have some different design elements in the next imprint. The "OsoaWeek" logo is different from the official one. There are only three left, so call before ordering! OA004 (note: this code is not printed on the Artifact itself). $2 each. Ultra rare! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 16 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[08003SO]] The State of Osoa The number 209 is the key to all Obliviana. 209 has but two factors--11 and 19--both prime. The set of 11 is called Flip, and the set of 19 is called Dire. These 30 taken together are known as Pilferids. The set of all combinations of Flips and Dires are Storms. Now, the core structure of Fonosta is based on 209. That is, there are 11 Flowers and 19 Digs. Considering what Obliviana is (see Appendix for a general view), it might seem odd that a particular number is integral to it. And indeed, I am not sure myself what the ultimate significance of 209 is, but it surely is core to Osoa. But other numbers manifest themselves in nature. Look at the moon--a circle. The number pi defines the relationship between it's radius and circumference. How about days and years? The Earth spins roughly 365.25 times for each time it orbits the Sun. And the structures of crystals. And the number of fingers on our hands, the number of bones in our bodies. So indeed, seemingly arbitrary number do manifest themselves intrinsically in nature. And this is how I view 209--it is a part of nature. To learn more about how 209 can help you explore Obliviana keep reading OsoaWeek, every seven days! *OW* [[09003FW]] Fonosta World ***NEW FONOSTAS*** FONOSTA 002: "Maximo The Optic" Date Entered: 8/4/94 Personal Information: Michael Max Knobbe, Bronx, NY, Male, Interests: Art, athletics, food. Osoa Info: Flower 7, Digs 19, Bellum: Hemmingway, Team Fusion, Tarb 18, Totems: Aircraft & Optic, Sentence: "Mill a xenogenic image manifesting oneness.", Colors: ?, ? and trim: Pine, Device: letter "M". (note: Maximo the Optic's colors need to be clarified) *OW* [[10003HR]] Hemisinister Review ***BEVERAGES*** FRUITOPIA I was mildly fascinated by the sudden appearance of Fruitopia--even after I found out it was produced by Coca-Cola. Then the TV ads started, and Fruitopia began to take on a horrible visage shared by the likes of Woodstock '94 and other hypercorporate 60's revivals. I hate the TV campaign for Fruitopia, simply because it seems so insincere. It looks like Coca-Cola wanted to out-Snapple Snapple, so they went for the flakiest, most spaced-out image they could. Only problem is, trying to be psychedelic in a deliberate, focused, careful manner, as in the ads, is most distasteful. The best example of the yucky politically-correct psychobabble on the ads is "If you can't judge a fruit by the color of its skin, how can you judge people that way?" Please. I've tried most of the flavors, and they're nothing to write home about. They are: Strawberry Passion Awareness Fruit Integration Citrus Consciousness The Grape Beyond Lemonade Love and Hope Pink Lemonade Euphoria Raspberry Psychic Lemonade Cranberry Lemonade Vision What's the deal? Half the flavors are versions of lemonade! I sure hope Fruitopia isn't center stage in 90's nostalgia, but it probably will be. "For the mind, body, and planet."--give it up already! ***HOT PEPPER*** TABASCO SAUCE The all-time classic, which I consume mass quantities of on just about everything (I tried it in coffee, but it didn't work too well). Produced on Avery Island, Louisiana, with peppers, salt, and vinegar as its only ingredients, Tabasco is truly one of the great pleasures of the modern world. DURKEE CAYENNE PEPPER This stuff is HOT. Every single time I shake it onto my food I sneeze, usually two times. And talk about a pepper high! After eating a large amount of cayenne pepper, I just lie down in front of the TV, blissfully unable to move. A thriller. MCCORMICK HOT SHOT This is a half-black, half-red pepper blend, which is pretty good. Not extremely hot, it is nevertheless a good accent to Tabasco and cayenne. Worth it. TACO BELL HOT SAUCE While not bad for its purpose, this generic sauce has a flavor which could be described as corny--almost like a parody of what a true hot sauce should taste like. But within the milieu of Taco Bell foods and surroundings, it works well. Pretty hot, too. JALAPENO TABASCO SAUCE A truly disheartening product, this green Tabasco sauce is not only weak in the heat and taste departments, but it's full of artificial colors and other crap! I hope Tabasco drops this rotten product ASAP if they haven't already. A crying shame. ***CABLE*** ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS--Comedy Central A Sunday or two ago, they had an AbFab marathon, and I sat there and watched all 8 or 9 hours of it. Apparently a descendent of "The Young Ones", this awesome program is the brainchild of star Jennifer Saunders. It spoofs the fashion industry and the excesses of modern thought in a very funny, very clever, very smart way. Give it a chance--it took me a few episodes before I got into it. Saffron rules! QUEENS--Lifetime Imagine a female Uncle Floyd combined with Larry King and you'll begin to understand this rather excellent program. The charismatic hostess covers a wide array of topics with guests and call-ins, and the whole shebang purrs with the hum of the promise of modern TV realized. Watch. HOWARD STERN--E! Howard Stern had a previous show on E!, "The Howard Stern Interview", which was most disappointing--Howard loses a great deal of his appeal away from his hoard of courtiers. But this new show, which is simply segments from his radio show videotaped, is quite good. But it can't rival the experience of hanging around and listening to his 5+ hour show every weekday morning. Thirty minutes, less commercial time, leave one craving for more. The Baba Booey puppet is a must-see, though. NEWSWEASELS--E! Uh, well, I really WANT to like this show. Its premise of two ordinary guys taking over a TV station, and surfing satellite TV transmissions is good, and the two fellows do a decent job of it, but the whole thing is very shaky at the moment. I wish them well, and hope they get the whole thing together. But I suspect this is yet another case where the manifesting a high concept proves far more difficult than expected. INSTANT JUSTICE--CourtTV Just like The People's Court, except it's in real small-claims courts. Why such petty bickering is so engrossing I can't say, but it sure is. The real judges aren't Wapners, and the hosts are poor excuses for a Llewellyn, and Rusty is nowhere to be found, but the reality of it all makes up. *OW* [[11003HT]] Halfevil Times HALFEVIL TIMES PERCEPTIONS & PONDERINGS EVER WONDER... ...why every good wildlife documentary these days eventually breaks down into an insipid environmentalist whining session? ...if we're all just PRETENDING to be adults? ...why no public restroom can get its soap, water faucet, and drying systems all on-line at the same time? ...that considering Jeffrey Dahmer got life in prison for torturing, slaughtering, and devouring hundreds of kids, what the sentence should be for lesser crimes? In comparison, a mugger should get what, like ten seconds? ...where the hell all this crap about crazy people thinking they're Napoleon started? ...why deodorant companies don't buy ad space on the homeless, since they're already walking (or stumbling) ads for personal hygiene products as it is? ...that if Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity 300 years ago, what people thought they were doing before that--floating around? ...if fluorescent lights are the work of the devil? ...how those low-income bank tellers can stand fondling all that money day in and day out without eventually going on a shooting spree, postal style? ...judging from the caliber of weirdoes who venture out of doors, what the caliber of the weirdoes who stay inside all the time must be? ...how we can take some natives peoples seriously, when they haven't even invented the f*cking wheel yet? EVER NOTICE... ...that contortionists are sick bastards? ...that whenever your really need to see your odometer, you're travelling the exact speed so that the speedometer needle obscures the numbers? ...that whether fire is man's best friend or worst enemy, it's still damn hot? ...that citrus really doesn't make sense? ...how you could walk through sticker bushes as a kid as if you were invulnerable? ...how idiots from other States don't understand the simplest slang, ie, "What's a boner?" ...that the pomposity of sandals is underestimated? ...that there are still some idiots who don't realize that phone numbers starting with "555" are fake? ...that graphs are full of it? ...how those damn handicapped parking spots seem to magically multiply overnight? ...that the People With Disabilities Act has ruined the fun for all of us who used to love watching cripples stumbling and falling over trying to climb up a flight of stairs? ...what a valuable talk show guest we lost when David Koresh got char broiled? ...that even though it's totally evil, most people, deep in their hearts, would like to own a midget as a pet? ...that Doctor Who is never called Doctor Who on the show, and that anyone that knows this is a total reject? ...that no matter how much cultural relativism is applied, people talking other languages still sound like f*cking retards? HALFEVIL TIMES CLASSIFIEDS ***HELP WANTED*** BEE TASTER New-wave French food company seeks experienced insect cuisine connoisseur to sample our new line of sugared bees. Sting insurance provided for qualified applicant. Call Monsieur Fagge at 555-3118 for more details and complimentary roach lo mein sample. LENS LICKER If you have naturally acidic saliva and no hope of getting a real job, call Beeper's Opticland now for a great opportunity. Job duties include licking camera lenses clean, licking eyeglass lenses clean, licking telescope lenses clean--you get the idea. Self-cleaning, a la cat, on the job strictly forbidden. $2/week plus benefits. PLAZA LIAR Immoral bastard sought to get customers into local strip mall by fibbing his or her head off. Applicant must be expert at telling mistruths about sales, free giveaways, close-outs, celebrity appearances, impending natural disasters--anything for business. If interested, call Todd A. Beaner at 555-3421. Just kidding! Really call Carl M. Hockhausen at 555-6211, tomorrow only. PLASTIC HELPER Are you one of those freaks of the modern age, a person made of pure plastic due to one of numerous Johnson & Johnson chemical plant disasters of the 1970's? If so, local law office and head shop seeks plastic guy/gal Friday for various pointless duties. Actually, we just want to gawk at you, but we're willing to pay $35K/yr. for the pleasure. Call Trent at 555-9988 for an application. RECYCLER Driver needed to haul a bunch of cans, bottles and newspapers from so-called recycling center to the county dump. Oath of secrecy required to keep the wonderful illusion alive that we can actually turn this crap into anything useful. Call the Green Dean Enviro Team today to arrange a meeting in a dark alley. SILVER BEANER Dickhead sought to search the world for that rarest of vegetables--a bean composed of pure silver. Successful applicant must be independently wealthy and highly gullible. If bean is found, world peace will quickly ensue. Discovery Channel video crew ready to accompany the chosen explorer on his or her quest. Phone Lex Frederic Masters at (908) 555-1219 ext. 88765 after lunch for an interview, you poor slob. ***FOR SALE*** FAMILY REUNION 65 turds for sale immediately, preferably for backbreaking slave labor. Call Blair at (213) 555-6783 right now--no reasonable offer will be refused. FUTURE BROTH Keen artifact from time travel treasure trove--tastes like burnt hair, but one drop keeps the average person alive for six to eight months. May be useful in solving world hunger, but that's not a big priority of mine. Asking $800 quintillion dollars, but willing to trade for other time travel goodies, especially People Magazines from the 2040's. ***LOST & FOUND*** LOST--CURE FOR AIDS Presented to me by a friendly time traveller and printed on a tissue-like substance--which I unfortunately used to wipe my ass and subsequently flushed down the toilet. Asking any sewer dweller who runs across it to please return ASAP, as it may be useful to many stricken with this odd malady. Send to Allie A. Breckenridge, 19 Shaving Cream Lane, Joy of Freedom, IA 56433. LOST--SCOOBY DOO After years of intense research, I finally created a dimensional portal to transport the entire Scooby Doo team into this reality. (And yes, Daphne's a great lay). However, the damn cartoon mutt got away after I refused to provide him any more Popsicles. If found, tell him his diminutive anthropomorphic nephew Scrappy Doo is dead meat just like Shaggy if he doesn't come back. To capture, dress as a swamp monster or werewolf and chase him into a meat locker or similar enclosure. Call Mr. Yachtly if you have any luck. My number's listed. FOUND--ACORN I just noticed a 50-foot-tall oak tree in my front yard and realized someone must have misplaced their acorn. Please claim immediately, as a gang of teenage superheroes has made its headquarters in the tree's branches, and I'm no match for their powers. Phone Bob Jason, Jr. at (413) 555-4323 ASAP. FOUND--BAD PUN A piece of notebook paper with the words "Cheese is Grate" scrawled across it found outside the Bowlarama Tuesday night. Owner please claim, as the pun is very annoying, and it cannot get into the hands of Kraft for fear of it being used as a slogan. Call Betsy Jen Hooper at 555-3421 anytime except teatime. HALFEVIL TIMES CLASSIC FIGHTS With Iggy Szalzo and Gil Mannings (filling in for Franco Wolfini) SAM I AM vs. THE MOUNTIE Iggy--The evil Canadian one will put up with the Green Eggs and Ham crap only for so long before using his electric stun stick. The cartoon-invulnerability of Dr. Seuss characters is in question, so I favor The Mountie for a clean kill. Gil--The Mountie is skilled in fighting, and has beaten many of his fellow WWF superstars, but Sam I Am is possessed of far more annoying abilities. Sam by TKO in the fifth. GRIZZLY BEAR ON LSD vs. COUGAR WITH LASER BLAST EYES Iggy--This is a tough one--sans LSD & laser blast eyes, the grizzly would make a quick meal of the big cat. But with the disorienting effect of the acid, coupled with the searing heat of the eye beams, the cougar has a fighting change. Cougar by attrition. Gil--Bears are natural fighters, and the LSD will enhance, not inhibit the ursan's skills. And pumas are well known for their bad aim when it comes to ranged weapons, so I take grizzly for a complete victory. PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR vs. PET OF THE YEAR Iggy--There are no losers here--everyone's a winner. Gil--Can't argue with you there. CHRYSANTHEMUM vs. MARIGOLD Iggy--Tough to call, since these two flowers are not natural enemies. Forced to fight, however, I predict marigold, but don't ask me why, as I haven't the slightest f*cking clue. Gil--Hardiness is the main factor here, and when it comes to hardiness, chrysanthemum can't be beat. Marigold is yesterday's news. DR. KEVORKIAN vs. MISTER MISTER Iggy--If the members of this queer, mid-80's group haven't committed suicide yet, I'm sure they're ready to. Kevorkian in two. Gil--The good doctor will have an easy time of it until he hears one of Mister Mister's songs, at which time he will lapse into a coma and be as easy a target for the banal musicians as his poor slob suicide clients are to him. MAN vs. NATURE Iggy--Not to get political, but after countless millennia of getting our collective asses kicked by Mother Nature, it's payback time. Man by KO. Gil--Nature's powers are far beyond the ability of man to disrupt--meaning man will continue to be beaten senseless by the world around him for eons to come. STAG BEETLE vs. BABY SQUIRREL Iggy--I'm drawing a blank on this one--but put it on pay-per-view and you'll make a bundle. Gil--Hard to call, but I'm sure Madonna could find some interesting uses for these two. *OW* [[12003NJ]] New Jersey New Jersey is the ultimate place to be. It packs an unfathomable diversity of places and experiences in a geographically very compact area--only about 175 from tip-to-tip. You can go from any point in NJ to any other point in NJ, do stuff, and go back the same day, with ease. In this feature, I highlight some of the most awesome places to visit in The Garden State. So if you're not already here, get here! THE DEVIL TREE Basking Ridge? Okay, I know what you're thinking. This is some weird bar or night club or bookshop or something. But you're wrong--it really IS a tree, and a rather evil one at that. The legend goes a newlyweds' car broke down right by The Devil Tree, and the husband sought after a gas station on foot. When he returned, he found his wife hanged from the branches of The Devil Tree. Also, it's been said that there's a 666 carved on the tree, but I never saw it. The tree itself is an imposing, menacing sight. I was just there today, and though the field surrounding it was overgrown, there was a path beaten to the tree. Very odd. To get to The Devil Tree, take Rt. 78 to exit 33, the Bernardsville/Martinsville/Rt. 525 exit. Head toward Martinsville on Rt. 525/Martinsville Rd. off the exit, and you'll pass an Amoco on your right. Go through the light and about a mile-and-a-half up from the exit you'll get to an intersection--turn right onto Mountain Rd. follow Mountain Road for less than half-a-mile, and you'll get to a hill. As you drive up the hill, the road will bear right, and then The Devil Tree will come into view. Remember, The Devil Tree is on private property, and one time the guy made it clear to my friends and me that no trespassing was allowed. You can, however, park across from the dreadful plant on a little area of gravel by a destroyed fence. On a column by the fence is a plaque reading "The Philip J. Levin and Janice Levin Day Camp Grounds" (weird, eh?). Just hang out and take in the waves of horror pulsating from The Devil Tree. I made a movie called "The Evil Farm" which features The Devil Tree in a cool scene. Who knows, it may be available sometime soon, so you can see the tree (circa 1987) without risking life and limb. Is it really evil? Well, I don't know, but just let me say, there's something not quite right with that tree. INCOGNEETO 19 West Main Street Somerville (908) 231-1887 Now here's a store that really delivers what it promises. When you pass by it on the street, you see a display full of a wonderful array of weird and unexpected stuff. And when you go in, there's all that and more. There are several aspects to the store. The "Incogneeto" part specializes in vintage clothes, jewelry, and antiques. But that's not all. The "Neet Stuff" portion sells all manner of toys, lunch boxes, board games, paperbacks, memorabilia, cereal boxes, and the like. And as if that weren't enough, there "The Twonky Video Collection", a conglomeration of over 4,000 videos they wouldn't let you see at Blockbuster, including the strange, the dangerous, and Japanimation. You'll never know the junk you're storing in the way, way back of your memory until you peruse the shelves of Incogneeto. Item after item will jar loose childhood experiences--"hey, I remember that!" It's a great idea for a store, and even better, it handily manifests all you'd expect from such a store. Get your ass in gear and head for this oddest of treasure troves! *OW* [[13003ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: GET HARPOON, THE GAME ZOPE: "Okay kids, my name is Zope and I'll be your counselor at day camp." KIDS: "Hi Zope! Hey Zope! How ya doin' Zope!" REALITY LORD TITAN: "So Zope, I trust you're enjoying the first day of your new job? I knew this would be the most unbearable torture I could inflict upon you for your crimes, especially that thing where you suffocated an entire continent of people and animals with a planetoid-size glob of peanut butter." ZOPE: "This is nothing, pal. I can take it." REALITY LORD TITAN: "We'll see. Now I must be off. Have a fun day! Hahaha!" ZOPE: "Okay kids, now that old Mr. Supreme Force in the Universe is gone we can have some real fun!" KIDS: "Yay! Alright! Yeah!" ZOPE: "Okay! This game is called 'Get Harpoon'. It's kind of like 'King of the Hill', except you have to climb to the top of this nice, shiny, sharp harpoon and stay there. Any questions?" KIDS: "Won't that hurt us? Yeah, I'll get cut! No way!" ZOPE: "Now come on children, be reasonable. Would I try and kill any of you, knowing that Reality Lord Titan is watching everything I do?" KIDS: "Well..." ZOPE: "Okay! Come on! Let's play!" KIDS: "Okay. Maybe I'll give it a shot. Why not? We're safe." The kids start to climb up the harpoon, but suddenly Reality Lord Titan appears. REALITY LORD TITAN: "Aha! I leave you alone for a few minutes and already you're trying to kill these kids! What a bad, bad counselor you are!" ZOPE: "Watch your mouth, superior boy." REALITY LORD TITAN: "Shall I do it then, Zope? Shall I impose the ultimate punishment upon thee? Shall I make you LIKE YOUR JOB and BE NICE?" ZOPE (grabbing the harpoon): "Okay bub, that's it." REALITY LORD TITAN: "Ho ho! Ever the rebellious one!" ZOPE: "Meet 'Godslayer', Titan. A harpoon forged long before the dawn of time. You're dead, pal. You're dead meat." REALITY LORD TITAN: "Pshaw!" Zope stabs Reality Lord Titan with the harpoon, but nothing happens. ZOPE: "Dammit! I knew it! I knew it would happen! I left the real Godslayer at home--this is just the Franklin Mint historically-accurate reproduction!" Reality Lord Titan smiles. Soon... ZOPE (smiling): Okay, kids! Isn't this great! How 'bout another game of Capture the Flag! Or Red Rover! There's bug juice for ya in the cabin! Bockly the Magic Clown will put on a show later! I just love being your counselor, and heck, your pal as well! *OW* [[14003FE]] Friction Enhancer FRICTION ENHANCER 3: Reality Tonic Based on the idea that reality is at its strongest doing what it's used to, one can briefly alter the nature of reality by presenting reality with unfamiliar happenings. A simple method for doing this is Reality Tonic, in which disparate beverages are mixed together and drunk. The easiest method is to obtain a Reality Tonic's constituents and pour them one after the other into a cup, regard the mixture, and then drink it. Here are some guidelines for acceptable beverage: --Use normal drinks which you wouldn't have any problem drinking by themselves&#151;the idea here is not to drink gross stuff. --Do not use a beverage which contains any alcohol at all. In my studies, alcohol has been found to crash the reality-altering effects of Friction Enhancers. --Do not mix beverages in usual, expected ways, as this does you no good. The mixture must be an unexpected combination. Reality tonic works well in tandem with other Friction Enhancers, as it can be done quickly and easily, unlike such FE's as Mallball and Pebbleswitch, which are a lot more involved. Below are three official Reality Tonics. Enjoy! REALITY TONIC #1 "Actuality Classic" Mix roughly equal parts of... --Plain V-8 --Chocolate Yoo-Hoo --Welch's Grape Soda Let me tell you, this one's a real knockout. It's a flavor that's--well, you really have to taste it, I can't describe it. Quite wonderful. REALITY TONIC #2 "Continuumaide" Mix roughly equal parts of... --Diet Caffeine-Free Coke --Orangina --Hawaiian Punch Getting into strange beveragic territory here, this RT will send reality spinning out of control! REALITY TONIC #3 "Pinkflight" Mix roughly equal parts of... --Snapple Tru Root Beer --Country Time Lemonade --Cherry 7-Up This hazy pink concoction, smelling of licorice, tastes sweet but also strangely bland. It'll really Morc ya! *OW* [[15003SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 17 I area to deeply voice a booming call. In pleasing and blades this is the smaller enter unto me. Cautious? Can't tackle her tickle her! Be in frenzy cap bless the sound, cool of an action. Calling you on no stabler, metal as violence sang angry. Now we are in the process of travelling a road, that feeling of travel, the mysterious roads. The of into horizon near a body of water. Society! SUPERIOR 18 Being thus in this befuddled transit, every time a new challenge, every time a new disaster. At highwayside's edge, my room is silent and still. At highwayside's edge, hands together so tightly, the freezing cursive tea. Neverending in driving around, I hacksaw my memory and curse the setting sun. A lazy heavy machine will sashay and loving mates may depart on railways unreal and of unshackled concordance. SUPERIOR 19 For a healthy dose of saintly insanity, try some earth custard. Use telekinesis to tickle a waitress's sinuses. Screw a damsel in a daisy-reality version of a Dunkin' Donuts. Squeeze a generous portion of sodium hydroxide-flavored cheese icing onto your salami sandwich. A curiously chaotic fruit gum will rend your jaw into a bloody cartilage souffle. Piss people off by making queer cat noises at lunchtime. SUPERIOR 20 Pretty moon, dark dangerous road. Pretty field, dark dangerous house. Pretty river, dark dangerous dam. Pretty road, dark dangerous river. SUPERIOR 21 Wondering heavier than usual night alive I'm swept I'm deter the mind. From southwest departings, how fuse a fuses, in first of fur stroke on face. Freight set the rare object down upon my desk if you will. Set it down my fair companion, set it down, a mug of fiery goop for you! SUPERIOR 22 Apartment's a jester, I said, the real superstreet wasn't in the dream, it was in the what was the field. And cannot a contrary local anybody evil a store corner in plural goad empathy? Steel, the metal amazing, structures wonderful rails and tides of portables, crush negative. Dim lit acreage soon hummed in agitation--girls of flags in gales were expected--but were late. SUPERIOR 23 Dire rail train you, pull to here in stat megatons of water! Felling to enter and become, wait and the dark fence. Like the mischief of the driver, truly in the bliss of okay either way! The true ward of carelessness is brandiness, the blond braids of honor and hyperdesire. Create the bornage of hell life, in the airport of mind time. Target in teamness, never at all! SUPERIOR 24 That is what is my thoughting what draft. Toward the not and the yarx to say, been being bawn, the tart mental staft of ornin. In pinpil of marter is the gain of the dar. Lil not the corft, and not in pen is cannot. Large torn ben addid the porse nenner. Lyle can pretend to survive a maffin delay, yet a cane doamin sends a came elmid, toray. Oagin ten liell, ax tarber doomin, eps el commin dafpin omnim. Ooger tooger moom, tin bask abler sammin. Timpistis the lelben kin askin den balbinx oshocken don. Keel den, sin kelbeps mompin. Gill din, tin benken strep. En denny plor, doon sinnern steplin. Mem elper gorn, tell denny semplid. Bon, duh soon eagle, eagler norner, tan kenner. Boon, the forn donny is kell, and the poon siller is kon. So bell the ten, el konny dorder, seep in kip stahl nox. Doon doonter intip. Forner kaster empenny pell. Norper disp. Kool danny fonny pill sisker diller mill stoopler. Koll dondin kon mormin. Eel din din el men in din jepser tee. *OW* [[16003SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 3: "Goodbye Popcorn" Daptin Gone heard the phone ringing on the other end as he twirled the cord around his arm. Out the window of the suite, he saw morning dawning over Agoopish. This had to be the most way-out phone call ever made, being that it crossed the boundaries of no less than five worlds. "Hello?" came the unfamiliar female voice on the other end of the line. "Uh, yeah. This is, uh, Daptin. Can I talk to Eb?" "Mr. Traipse is in a meeting at the moment... tee hee." said the voice, giggling. "What? A meeting? What time is it there? Tell him it's Daptin, he'll wanna talk to me." "I'm sorry." said the voice. "Look, this is a very long distance call, and I have to talk to him. Page him or something, y'know? It's like really important." "Chee hee hee!" "Now wait... who is this? Huh? Let me talk to Diorama or Bliss, or anyone!" Daptin heard more tittering and the phone being dropped on the other end. In the background, he heard some people talking loudly, but he couldn't make them out distinctly. "Shoulda known not to call Greatwall at midday." Daptin grumbled to himself as he stood up and walked over to the window. He surveyed bright rising up over the diverse buildings of midtown Agoopish. Far below he saw hordes of denizens going about their mucky lives. Soon he'd be out there too. Mucky too? Not very. He knew this would be a fun day. "Damn." Daptin muttered. He walked over to the TV and switched it on, turning the sound all the way down. On the screen was an extreme close-up of a bearded fat guy, making all sorts of goofy faces at the camera. He'd seen the show before--a whole half-hour of this guy's silly expressions, accompanied by cacophonous polka. Another example of Adlai Blankablark's lack of firm footing in reality. Daptin wasn't the only one counting the days till Earth cable TV would be piped into Agoopish. They already had it in Boltpike, so the only barriers left were political. But he was sure Agoopish would get it before Ocpadusk, Blamnoom, or Felptash. A commotion like the sound of banging pots and pans came across the phone lines, and Daptin was about to hang up and try another Overwhelm number when he heard the phone being picked up. "Yes. Hello. Hello?" came the voice of Eb Traipse. "Hello." Daptin said. "Yes, who is this?" "It's Daptin! Daptin Gone. Remember me?" "Oh, yes. Hold on a second, would you? WE CAN'T HAVE THIS! TELL THEM TO KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL! I'M NOT KIDDING! MR. FIFE WILL NOT BE HAPPY! Daptin?" "Yeah." "How kind of you to call. We half thought you were dead or working for Thewsike by now." "No. I'm fine. But, like first, what the hell is happening over there?" "Oh. Well, don't spread it around but we have a faery problem here. A lot of them are running amuck all around here. You know we can't have this." "How the hell'd they get there?" "I'm afraid Ms. Arcomany is to blame. She uncovered a faeryland on Barley Sine and a troop of the buggers stowed away in her cloak." "That was a faery on the phone before?" "My god they're answering the phones now! Letevs will have my head!" "I'm sure Treyess will own up to it." "That's not what I'm worried about. It's been a few hours and none of our anti-faery protocols are succeeding. This breed is respectably robust." "Hmm. Well, I'm glad I'm not there." "Where are you, by the way, my dear boy?" "Um. I, uh, I'm around, y'know, around the Alley, the general Red Alley area kind of place, y'know." "You sound like you're calling from right next door." "I, uh, wouldn't go that far, Eb." "Heh heh. So what do you have to say for yourself? You're in violation of about a baker's dozen company policies. You're not working for Thewsike, are you? Please tell me you're not." "No, I'm definitely not like anywhere near working for the Sixty-Four." "So what are you up to?" "I, uh, I've just been hanging out on the Alley. I've been pretty fed up with Overwhelm lately. I mean, I know scheduling's a thing, but almost twenty months and I still don't have bridging? I mean, huh, I'm convinced you guys just didn't want to see me able to bridge. And I mean, if you don't want to, fine, but just come out and say it. And all the bullsh*t coming out of Greatwall is just, like, really weird. No one believes you guys anymore. What the hell is Fife's problem? We all know Overwhelm is military, so why's he trying to hide it so much, from his own warriors?" "Daptin, I know where you're coming from, but you know I don't make the decisions around here. You could learn to bridge anytime if you took the initiative. Now, let's cut to the chase, now. Are you coming back or not? And are you working for anyone else? Bestroystraw? Rogues?" "No no no, none of that. I'm just taking a break, whether you guys like it or not." "Will you be back?" "Yes! Yes, I will be back. Just, it won't be for a while. That's why I called. I don't know if I'll be welcome, but I will be back, but not for a while." "Like how long a while?" "Like, I don't know. Like a few more weeks, a month. I don't know." "Okay Daptin. We don't want any trouble. Our main concern is loyalty. We understand if you need a break, but you could have called sooner. But if you have had another offer or any contact from another company, I advise you to tell me now, since I'll find out sooner or later anyway." "No Eb, it is just a break, and I haven't called 'cause I've been pretty pissed-off, that's all. I will be back, but I don't know exactly when, but it might be like a month or at most like two. Okay?" "Alright Daptin. You know where I stand. I hope to see you back here soon. You're not the only one feeling the strain around here. And Daptin, do you have a number where I can reach you?" "Um... I'm not sure if I can give you this number--hold on." "Well do you have a number of someone who can then get in touch with you? In case of emergency, you know." "I know, I know. Um, I guess I can give you this number. It's the switchboard at a hotel I'm staying at. I uh..." "Which hotel on the Alley is it?" "Um, it's like not exactly on the Alley, but real near it, um." "Which Earth is it on?" "Look, I better not give the number out. You have the number at my apartment and I have a machine there. Just call there if you have to." "Okay Daptin. I hope to see you soon. You are okay, aren't you?" "Yes! I'm fine. No problem." "Well, take care." "Bye bye." Daptin said as he hung up the phone and looked over the buildingtops at the distant Agoopi hinterland. Eb wasn't such a bad guy, but Overwhelm Associates was a really annoying company to work for. Daptin totally wanted to quit, but he had the legitimate fear of losing contact with all the friends he had in Aconck. Maybe this was why they never taught him bridging--to keep up the pressure to remain loyal, to keep him needing the bridging services the company could provide. "You doin' that mission today, man?" the long-haired Minion Van Hall said as he entered the room. "Hm?" Daptin said. "Weren't you gonna do a mission for Cursive Caxopy? Like a secret assignment?" "Yup. Today's the day. Have to prove our mettle as mortals. You know Fake's coming with me." "Yeah I heard. So how'd you get in with that Caxopy chick so soon? Me an' Martin an' Tanner've been busting our balls to start this whole mortal thing going. Y'know man?" "Well, you guys haven't stayed in Agoopish the whole time like me and Fake have. You have to make a commitment to get things up and running." "I know. Fake's like totally abandoned her life on Earth." "I sort of have too." Daptin said with a shrug. "Yeah. At least there're phones here. If not, it'd be tough." "Uh-huh." Minion sat down on a low couch and Daptin walked across the room and opened a closet. "So Daptin man, I hear you found it with Spanking New Sarah?" Daptin turned, holding a jacket in his hands. "What, does everyone know about this now?" "No man, just like, y'know, all of us. Hear your friend El was pissed." "She was. Very." "Were you like going out with her?" "I spent like a week-and-a-half hanging out with her day-in and day-out. It's like, she's a goddess man. Maybe she's not the most gorgeous goddess, but she's pretty damn nice. I was like in torture in wanting her so bad, y'know man? I tried to, y'know, let her know in little ways and stuff. And she seemed into me and stuff, but I dunno. She was just--like she said after she found out that she wanted to get to know me before getting physical, but I was like, I didn't think it would ever get that far." "So what happened?" "I, y'know, I started to like not spend so much time with El and sort of met a different group of gods and me and Sarah hit it off right away, y'know, and she was like totally into it and I was in no mood to resist or anything. So, like, we did it." "Man! You're the first to find it with a goddess! Man, I'm like--it's like I'm pissed-off man! I gotta do it. I gotta do it." "It's definitely an experience. Well worth the effort." "So what the f*ck's it like? Are they different? Is it like, y'know, what's the basic situation with it?" "Uh... it's like being in another world. I mean, I know we ARE in another world already, but it's like, I don't know, total bliss, total astral. Like an energy, total ecstasy. Nothing dirty--totally transcendal. It was like the most amazing thing. It's almost... almost like, I dunno, it's so fantastic, but like, it's so great that it's not like sex at all. I mean, it's too involved. I don't know. I'm not saying it's not the best or anything, just that it's not like totally better than with a normal human, y'know, like a regular girl." "I don't know man. It sounds totally excellent. I don't know. I think I'm getting pretty close with a few of 'em. You know like Holly Scroll Bonnie. She's like so cool." "Yeah." "So what's the deal with you and El Flactor Floor? Are you still, like, seeing her?" "Nah. When she found out about it, she said she didn't want to see me for a while. She said she understood, but that she was still hurt by it. I mean, like, what did she expect?" "And Sarah?" "I'm like, y'know, I'm a little burnt from like doing it with her. I mean, like I said, it's totally different. I mean, I feel like I almost need a rest. Y'know?" "Yeah. But like, couldn't it be just her? I mean, couldn't her mantle have something to do with it? I mean, might it be like different with different goddesses?" "I guess. I guess that makes sense." "I hope I find out. Like I hope I can do like a research paper on it, and like compare all of them." "Well there're only a couple of hundred, you know." "Yeah, but there are three more cities, don't forget." "I know, but we're definitely Agoopi mortals, and the other pantheons probably wouldn't view us with much favor." "I don't know man. I've heard about mortals who work for gods in all four cities, you know, just to who pays the most." "Yeah, but no one can trust'em. It's like, I think you totally have to choose a city. Y'know? It makes sense. So that the gods and goddesses trust you. Y'know?" "Yeah." Daptin put the blue jacket on and looked at himself in the mirror, running his fingers through his full head of dark green hair. "I look like a total dummy. I have to look cool to be a cool mortal who goes on cool missions. Right?" "You look about as good as an Arctican can, Gone." "Hah hah. Very funny. I thought the Arctican jokes would stop once I gained all this power, but I guess that was too much to hope for." "And c'mon man, we're not all that powerful yet. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, dude. Now we have to know our place in the scheme of things." "Oh shut up." "Just trying to be helpful." "Well, all I'll say is I'm no stranger to power, that's all." "Okay man. We'll see. We'll see how well you do on this mission." "I'm sure I'll do just fine." "I don't know. What's the mission all about, anyway?" "We don't know yet. But they say it will involve going over to Boltpike." "I was over there before. It's pretty cool." "Yeah I know. I never went there yet. I guess I'll be there in a few hours." "Yeah." As they said this, Fake Cerquaine walked into the room, a short-haired, keen-looking girl from Spoin 5th, the dorm floor at Thatterine College where Tanner Loblolly, Martin Fovea, and Minion Van Hall also currently lived. Daptin had lived there several years earlier. "Ready ready ready for the mission, Daptin?" she asked. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be." Daptin said, looking back into the mirror and fussing with his hair again. "You look fine. We're supposed to be able to blend in, remember? No notoriety, no outrageous features. That's why we're valuable to the Caxopys." "Uh-huh." Daptin said. "So come on, let's go, it's getting late, and we're supposed to stop by that store on the way there to get some stuff." Fake said. "I know I know." Daptin said. "I guess we may as well go now." "Gonna say bye-bye to Sarah?" Fake asked. "I can't like--this is y'know--I can't believe how everyone is like so into my life. I mean, it is sort of personal, y'know?" "Daptin, you found it with a goddess. And not just any goddess, but Spanking New Sarah. You know how everyone lusts after her? And you, you go right in and score on the first try." Fake said. "What, you lust after her too?" Minion said. "No stupid, but I know a lot of guys around here who do. And I guess a few women, too." "Well you said everyone." "Don't take everything so literally, Minion. I mean, when I call you a total retard I don't mean it like you're really retarded, just that you act like it a lot. Get it?" "Got it." "Good." "Yeah." Daptin said with a sigh. "You can tell me all about her on the way to The Caxopy Group. Now let us go." Fake said, bouncing up and down a few times and turning toward the door. "Yeah." Daptin said following Fake to the door. "I just hope the salespeople at the store don't like start asking me about Sarah and stuff." "You knew it would be like this, dude, before you even did it." Minion chided. "You went where no Thatter ever went before." "We don't know that." Tanner said. "Well, we'll just have to ask Cursive Caxopy to check her records and see if any Thatterine College student ever did it with Spanking New Sarah." Fake said, opening the door and stepping through it, followed by Daptin. "I meant any goddess, not just Sarah the Spanker." Minion yelled after them. "She doesn't spank, Minion. And I should know." Daptin yelled back. "She's just 'spanking new'!" Fake said derisively. "Whatever." Daptin said as he shut the door behind him. The two walked down to the elevator bay and pressed the button. "Let's do it." Daptin said. The elevator came and they took it down to the lobby of the Supbam Hotel. "Oh look, isn't that Well Doctarca over there?" Fake said as they stepped out of the elevator. "Yeah, that's him." The god Well Doctarca approached the two on his way to the elevators. "Hello Daptin." said Well, looking dark and preoccupied in his armor as usual. "Hi Well." Daptin responded. Well turned away from the two and faced closed elevator doors. "What's the matter, Well?" Daptin asked after several moments of silence. "I've no desire to converse with you." Well said. "Huh?" Daptin said, surprised. "What's up? I mean--" "--come on Daptin. We have a mission to go on, remember?" Fake said, pulling Daptin away. "Uh, yeah. Well, bye-bye Well. Yeah. Well well well, let's not be too rude, shall we? Have a nice day, uh, y'know, like being friendly and all." Daptin said in a clumsy manner as Fake dragged him away. Well didn't flinch. Fake and Daptin left the hotel and headed for the store. "What was that all about?" Fake asked. "I don't know." Daptin replied. "I know he got pissed off when I asked him a lot of questions at a party I went to with El the other day, but he was civil after that at the party. I mean--maybe it's this whole Sarah thing. That's like probably it." "You think it was wise to tell him off like you just did?" "Frankly, I'm not afraid of these goons. They're not all that powerful, in the scheme of things." "Goons? I think you're getting carried away with yourself. Even the most experienced mortals aren't as powerful as the gods. You know that." "Well, maybe I'm not just a mortal--or something--y'know?" "You're full of it." "So what if I am?" "You have the directions to the store or what?" "Yeah." Daptin said, reaching into his pocket. "Right here." Fifteen minutes later they arrived at Basement-Wall-Thursday Mortal Supply. Inside, Nashin-Yogo said "I wonder when those two Caxopy whelps will show up." "Oh, I think they're here now." his assistant Confetti Tora remarked. And the two walked into the ancient store from the weedy street outside. Nashin-Yogo, the tall, long-haired, mustached owner of the store addressed the two. "Hello. You must be the two come to equip for your first assignment for the Caxopys. I'm Nashin-Yogo and this is Confetti Tora." Confetti, a woman with short, curly dark hair and a large pair of glasses nodded at Daptin and Fake. "Yeah hi." Daptin said. "We're uh, Elaine, uh, Elaine Caxopy told us to come over here to get like the stuff we would need for the mission and stuff, but uh--" "--she said you'd know, like, what we would need and stuff. I mean, we never shopped at a place like this before." Fake said. "Hmm." Nashin-Yogo harrumphed. "But we certainly heard about this sort of place." Fake added. "Yeah." Daptin said. "Well, since Elaine didn't tell me anything about the mission, I can't tell you what to get. Just browse around and see what you like." Nashin-Yogo said. "And don't be afraid to ask for help." said Confetti. Daptin and Fake looked around at the huge variety of things and were a little bewildered. "Could you, uh, like show us some good stuff? I mean, we're running a little late as it is and there's much too much stuff in here to like check out right now." Daptin said. "Yeah." Fake agreed. "Well, that shouldn't be any problem. Let's see what we have around here." Nashin-Yogo said as he began to rummage around behind the counter. "Come on up!" Confetti said, and Daptin and Fake climbed the short flight of stairs to the main counter. As they did, they noticed a weird, cloaked figure at the other end of the counter who they weren't able to see before. The stranger looked over at them for a moment, and then went back to browsing. "Now, I hope you two have some idea of what being a mortal involves. We have to deal with some very, very dangerous things." Nashin-Yogo said dramatically. "We have some idea of it, but we're not totally familiar with it." Fake said. Nashin-Yogo nodded as he continued rummaging behind the counter. "Here's something good!" Confetti said suddenly, holding up a little uninflated green balloon. "Well, you take care of 'em, Tora, I have to go help you-know-who." Nashin-Yogo said as he walked away toward the strange individual at the other end of the counter. "What's so good about that balloon?" Daptin asked. "It's not just any balloon." Confetti said. "It's a slay balloon. Much, much better than an average balloon." "In what way?" Fake asked. "Blow it up and pop it, and everything around you will be annihilated." "Wouldn't that kill you, too?" Fake asked. "Not at all. There's a safe area in the immediate vicinity of the slay balloon. And as an added feature, the destructive wave is proportional to the degree the balloon is inflated." "So does it like kill people?" Daptin asked. "Well, it'll kill killable people, certainly. No problem." "Well Fake, whattaya think? Pretty useful, eh?" "Definitely. How much?" "Oh, you can get whatever you want and put it on the Caxopys' account." Confetti said. "Cool! We'll take a lot of 'em." Daptin said. "One great gross enough?" Confetti said, holding up a large black box. "How many is that?" Fake asked. "I dunno. A lot." Confetti replied. "Sounds good to me." Fake said. "Sold!" "What else?" Daptin asked. "Let's see... oh, here's something good." Confetti said as she knelt down. Then she lifted a cinder block to the countertop. "A brick?" Fake asked. "A cinder block." Confetti replied. "Does it have any special powers or is it just normal?" Daptin asked. "Now come on--at Basement-Wall-Thursday we don't sell regular cinder blocks. No, it's about as intelligent as a dog, and it can fly. Want one?" "Let me see." Fake said. "Okay--cinder block, fly around the room, knock over the green vase, and return to the counter." With this, the cinder block flipped wildly into the air, knocked over a green plastic vase, swung around the interior of the store, and returned deftly to the countertop. "Whew! I'll take it!" Fake said. "Sold!" "I want one too!" Daptin said. "Sorry, last one." "Oh!" Daptin whined. "Don't worry, I have something for you." Confetti said, reaching under the counter and pulling something out to show Daptin. "Swizzle sticks?" Daptin queried. "No! They're f*cking morons, silly!" "F*cking what?" Daptin said. "F*cking morons! When you break one of the sticks, a stupid f*cking idiot will soon show up and befriend you for a few days. Very useful." "Huh? What good is a f*cking moron? And where do they come from?" "They can be helpful. They carry things, confuse enemies, test food for poison, y'know. And they're extremely amusing." "Oh man." Daptin said. "But they don't like--" Fake interjected. "--they don't like f*ck--like, they aren't called f*cking morons 'cause they like, y'know, have sex with people, right?" Fake asked. "Now that's sick. You have a sick mind, girl. Of course not." Confetti said. "Well I had to ask, this stuff is so whacked." "No, they don't f*ck but they're quite delightful otherwise. You want 'em?" "Okay what the hell." Daptin said. "Sold to the enthusiastic Arctican." "Thank you." Daptin said. "What else? What else?" Fake said excitedly. "Hmm--oh yes. Yes. How could I forget these... these... these..." "These what?" Daptin asked. "These... socks!" Confetti said, producing two pairs of yellow socks with lavender polka dots. "Oh, beautiful." Daptin commented. "Not only beautiful, but distinctive!" Confetti said. "Huh?" "Distinctive time socks. Very, very useful. You know how a clock goes to 59 and then back to zero? Well--not with these socks on. You get to 99 with these." "What?" Fake asked, examining her cinder block. "You get to 59, just like normal." Confetti explained. "But then, with the socks on, instead of going back to zero, you get to 60. You have a whole 40 minutes to yourself--no one else around. Distinctive time. Get it?" "What do you mean no one else? What happens to 'em?" Daptin asked. "They all go back to zero, while you, if you're wearing the socks, go right on to 60." "But where are the other people, physically?" Daptin said. "Every living thing goes right to zero like I said, but inanimate objects all have that extra 40 minutes. And with these socks on, you can too." Confetti explained. "So it's like time stops?" Daptin asked. "Sort of, in terms of everyone else. But everything is normal, except that nothing living is there, except sock-wearers." "Sounds pretty damn good to me! We'll take 'em." Daptin said. "Cinder block, fly around." Fake said, and with these words the cinder block arose and began to fly haphazardly around the store. "Pretty cool." Daptin said. "I wish I had one." "Well now--uh--what's your name again?" Confetti asked Daptin. "Daptin. Uh, Daptin Gone." "Ohh! You're the one who slept with Spanking New Sarah!" Confetti said. "That's him. My name is Fake, by the way." Fake said, jumping down the stairs to chase her cinder block. "This is, like, nuts. How can everyone know about this so soon? If I'd known, I'd have had second thoughts." "Yeah right. Come land gently in my hands, cinder block!" Fake said, and the block swung around and landed gracefully into Fake's outstretched hands. "Whoah! You're pretty heavy!" she said as she took on the weight of the block. "Look Confetti, forget about this Sarah thing. I want something as cool as the cinder block." Daptin said. "The socks are pretty cool." Confetti responded. "Yeah, but there're two pairs. I want something cool and unique, just like the block." "Daptin, cinder blocks are pretty common, it's just that that's our last one for awhile." "Well." "Okay, let me see what I can dig up." Confetti said as she turned around and started looking around on some shelves. After a few moments, she sighed and began to climb up the shelves. "I--uh--don't go out of your way on my account..." Daptin said in a worried tone. "Well, I have to find you something good, don't I?" "Yeah but..." Confetti clung onto the shelves and peered into a dark corner of a high shelf. "Aha! What's this?" She reached out, grabbed something, and then half fell and half jumped back to the ground. "Oonf!" "Are you okay?" Daptin asked. From the other end of the hall, Fake said "Do ballet, cinder block!" "Yes Daptin. Just a little shaken. Now let's see what I got." "What is it?" "Oh goodness." Confetti said, looking at what appeared to be a magic marker. "Goodness." "What is it? What is it? Is it good?" Daptin said. "Uh..." Confetti began slowly. "I don't know if..." "What is it? A pen?" "Well I'll tell you. It's a geometric weight marker, but I thought we'd seen the last of these." "Cool!" "But Daptin, these markers are very, very dangerous. Maybe I should ask Nashin-Yogo if--" "--just hold on a second. What does it do, first of all?" "Well the idea is pretty simple. The ink from the marker, once dry, begins to get heavier and heavier at a geometric rate, until it eventually bores into the ground." "That sounds pretty good!" "Yeah, but if you get even a little bit on your skin, it'll rip your skin right off--and there's no way to stop it." "Ouch." Across the store, the cinder block was clumsily spinning and stumbling around. "Ballet! Ballet!" Fake said. "What if you wash it off right away?" "It works if you do it real quick, but you need the right solvent. And we've been out of solvent for decades." "Hmm. I think I can handle it. I'll take it." "Okay Daptin, but I think you should get some situation grenades with it, just in case you get some on your skin." "Uh--you expect me to know what that is?" "No, so I'll tell you. They're grenades that demolish local situation and force it to reravel. So if you got geometrically marked, you could detonate a situation grenade and totally get out of the situation." "That sounds like the best thing yet! I want a lot of them!" "Sold." Confetti said. "Follow me, cinder block." Fake said as she came back up to the counter. "Now land on the counter." The cinder block landed on the counter, carefully avoiding a cup of soda Confetti had been drinking. "I think that thing's a little more intelligent than a dog." Daptin said. "I think it's even smarter than you, Daptin." Fake said with a grin. "Haha." Daptin said. "What else can we get?" Fake asked. "Well?" Daptin asked of Confetti. "How 'bout the books in that case over there?" Fake asked, pointing. "Oh no." Confetti said. "Skoobs are for very experienced mortals only. Don't even think of getting any." "Why not?" Daptin asked. "Because, they're extremely unstable. Just imagine a book carried between worlds in totally the wrong way. They're backward, inside-out, unreal, destroyed, infinite, brooding, wonderful--and they're totally off limits." "Not even one?" Daptin asked. "Forget it." Confetti said. "Try these." Confetti reached under the counter and produced a canister, opened it, and poured a few dried peas into her hand." "Conductor voice peas." she said. "Come again?" Daptin said. "Eat 'em and you'll sound like a train conductor over a distorted train loudspeaker. Very fun." "What good are they?" Daptin said. "I don't know. Be creative." "Okay! Why not! I'll take 'em." "Heh heh. Won't Cursive and Elaine be surprised when they see their bill." "Well, let's not worry about that now." Daptin said. "We just have to get all the stuff we need and get over there to Caxopy." "Oh Daptin, there's no rush. What else, Confetti?" Fake said. The three heard a loud moaning from somewhere in the store, but it quickly subsided. "Well Fake," Confetti said, lugging a big cardboard box up to the counter. "How about some huge tin clocks?" The box was neatly packed with little tin cuckoo clocks the size of cigarette packs. "They don't look very huge to me." Daptin said. "Aha, but if you throw it up in the air, it'll become an immense clock in the sky--much to the horror of all who view it." "This stuff is just right over the edge, like, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I'll take it. Whatever." Daptin said. "Great!" Confetti said. "What's that popcorn over there?" Fake asked, pointing. "Goodbye popcorn. Eat it, and you can say goodbye to existence for a few hours." "Is it dangerous?" Fake asked. "Not at all. It just makes you not exist for awhile, that's all." "Wow, I could use some of that!" Fake said. "Sold." "Like, what do you mean out of existence? Where do you go?" Daptin asked. "Nowhere. You wanna try it?" Confetti said, grabbing a bag of goodbye popcorn. "No way!" "Go ahead. If you just eat a tiny bit you'll be gone for less than a minute. Try it. It's fun." Confetti said, opening the bag. "Oh go ahead and do it." Fake said. "I don't know." Confetti took a piece of popcorn out of the bag and carefully broke off a tiny bit, handing it to Daptin. "Don't be afraid of it! It won't do anything if you don't eat it!" Confetti said, smiling. Daptin hesitantly took the small piece of goodbye popcorn and examined it. "Just eat it, Daptin. You'll be back before you know it." Confetti said. Daptin looked back and forth at Confetti and Fake. "Oh come on, don't be a chicken. If you can do it with Spanking New Sarah, you can eat a little goodbye popcorn." Fake jeered. "That's it--I can't stand talking about that any more. Here goes!" Daptin said as he tossed the piece of popcorn into his mouth. He began to chew it briefly, and then quickly vanished. "Wha!" Fake exclaimed. "He should be back in less than a minute." Confetti said. "How does it work?" Fake asked. "Now that's a question to be answered another day. Not that anyone really knows, but people certainly have their ideas." "But like, where does all this stuff come from? Who makes it?" "I can't get into that with you right now. Sorry." Confetti said. "Whatever." "Well, while we're waiting for Daptin, let's see what else you need. Hmm." Confetti said, looking around. "Ah yes--no mortal is happy without an infinite-ammo submachinegun. Here ya go." Confetti reached under the counter and produced a two different-looking submachineguns. "Like, guns, like, to kill people?" Fake asked. "Yeah. And to destroy stuff, propel boats, signal cohorts, open doors, whatever. If you need metal, you have a never-ending supply in one of these babies. The bullets make good ballast, if you find yourself in need of ballast, that is." "Well yeah, but I'm not sure about the killing people part." "Hey, it's your gun--kill or don't kill as you choose, y'know?" "Yeah." "This is." the two heard Daptin say off to the right. "Oh you're back." Fake said. "This is what." Daptin said, approaching the two. "He'll be dazed for a few seconds. You always are upon hatching back into reality." Confetti said. "This... I am back, I... I, the popcorn, I... oh man." "See Daptin, it works. And here, have a machinegun." Fake said, handing Daptin one of the infinite-ammo submachineguns. "Thanks." Daptin said, taking the gun. "Y'know, I don't remember anything. How long was I gone?" "Only about thirty or forty seconds." Fake said. "Huh. Some trip." Daptin said, examining his machinegun. "What's so good about this?" "Infinite ammo." Confetti said. "Cool." Daptin said. "Oh--" Confetti said. "While you were gone I found the perfect item for you. You're from Arctica right? Am I right?" "Yes I'm from Arctica. Not like the green hair gives it away or anything." "Well Daptin, just look at this." Confetti said as she produced what appeared to be a vest engulfed in a blue-gray fire. "Ah--what the hell is that?" Daptin asked. "It's a frost flame delimiter, silly! Just got it in. I thought it would be perfect for you, like a wintry cold sort of theme, y'know?" "Yeah, well I'm certainly familiar with the cold. But that thing's like on fire--isn't it just the opposite--hot?" "Frost flame, it's frost flame. A fire which burns cold. Nothing like it on Earth. This delimiter preserves it from wherever it came. But you wear it like a vest, and you can wield the flame to do a lot of useful stuff." "Won't I freeze?" Daptin asked. "No--you'll assimilate to it soon enough. The wearer doesn't get very cold, and you can regulate the flame. The best part is you can shoot it out, extend it, y'know, basically wield it. I figured since Fake got the cinder block I'd give you this. Lucky I found it before someone else bought it." "Well, what the hell. I dislocated myself from the world with popcorn, why not don a cold-burning vest?" Daptin said as he took the frost flame delimiter from Confetti and put it on over his blue jacket. The gray flame danced all about him. "Ooh, cold!" Daptin said. "It'll always feel cold when you first out it on, but you'll feel normal soon enough. Here--do a test." Confetti said, holding out her half-full cup of soda. "Extend the flame to engulf the cup, to chill my soda." Daptin pointed his hand toward the soda and willed the flame to reach outward. Jerkily, the frost flame licked the cup and quickly chilled it. "That's all there is to it. If you can will the flame to do that, you can eventually learn to will it to do anything." Confetti said, taking a sip of her chilled beverage. "Hmm. Now this I like. It's getting comfortable already." "Well now we have a lot of stuff. I wonder if we can even carry it all." Fake said. "Yeah. We have more than enough stuff for the mission. I guess we should get going soon." "Well here, before you go, take some caviar." Confetti said, placing several tins of caviar on the countertop. "Okay Confetti, what special properties does the caviar have?" Daptin asked. "Does it turn you into a finch? Teleport barrels? Do sky writing?" "No, it's just ordinary caviar, compliments of the house. We always have lots of it around. Nothing weird." Confetti said. "Hmm. Interesting." Fake commented. "But if you ever do want to turn into a finch, or teleport barrels, or do sky writing, stop by again and I'm sure we'll be able to accommodate you." Confetti said with a smile. "I'll remember that." Daptin said. "But the clocks--they're sort of like sky writing. Y'know?" "A little. I guess you could carve writing into one. I never saw it done before, but it's certainly possible." Confetti said. "Well--so how do we pack all this stuff up?" Fake asked. "Okay, let me add this up." Confetti said. "There's the cinder block, which I can see you're very happy with Fake. Then there's the socks, and the f*cking morons, and the great gross of slay balloons. Okay. And the marker--now Daptin, be extremely careful with that thing--they've been known to topple office buildings, so just be cool with it. Alright? Okay--the situation grenades of course, the huge tin clocks, the free caviar, the frost flame delimiter you're wearing, the submachineguns. Now what am I forgetting? Oh yeah--three bags of goodbye popcorn, and--what else? I know there's one more thing." "Yeah, the special peas. Right?" Daptin said. "Oh yes--one canister of conductor voice peas. These are great fun." "Life of the party." Daptin said. Confetti looked over the bill she had been writing. "Okay, everything looks to be in order!" Confetti said with an approving expression. "Yeah, but how're we gonna carry that stuff all the way over to the Caxopys?" Daptin asked. "And how much does it all cost?" Fake queried. "Don't worry about it." Came a voice from behind them. They turned to see the leather-clad Cursive Caxopy with a cigarette in her hand. "Oh hi Cursive." Confetti said. "Just finished equipping your proteges." "I see. I see." Cursive said. "I'm glad you're here. You can help us carry all this stuff back to your place." "Oh, no need. We can use my disappear simulator to disappear over there." Cursive said. "You can disappear like the gods?" Fake asked. "Of course I can--can't you, Fake?" "No." "Well, gather all your junk up and let's go. I came by because you're late. This mission is time-sensitive, and we have to get it started. Come on you two." "Hey okay." Daptin said. "One pile of junk coming right up." Fake said. Just then, Elaine Caxopy, Cursive's sister and business partner, walked into Basement-Wall-Thursday Mortal Supply. She wore a pretty, light-blue dress, the antithesis of Cursive's hard attire. "Oh, you're here. I was just coming by to see if our two recruits are all set." Elaine said. "They're done." Cursive said, taking a drag of her cigarette. "We were about to disappear over in my simulator." "Well," Elaine said, looking a little hesitant. "okay. But my truck's outside. You'll take care of it, won't you Confetti?" "Of course" Confetti said, and Elaine tossed her the keys to the truck. "No need to gather 'round--I'm good at this." Cursive said. The next moment, Cursive, Elaine, Daptin and Fake were in the offices of The Caxopy Group. "Nice simulation." Elaine said. Cursive didn't reply. "Well you two, come on. We have a cup of coffee to show you." Elaine said urgently. *OW* [[17003AX]] Appendix Confused? Here's Everything You Need to Know! (This information is reprinted every issue in essentially the same form.) The ezine OsoaWeek is the central product of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Each weekly issue is prepared as a plain vanilla ASCII file not less than 50K and not exceeding 100K, with the goal of being readable on as many computers as possible. Mac users will likely get little boxes on the lefthand column--this is due to the "hard return" needed at the end of every line on DOS machines. You can live with them, or search-and-replace them away (but please don't distribute any altered copies of OW!). Meaning of codes: The first two-digit number is the sequential section number in this issue of OsoaWeek. The next three-digit number is the issue number of this OsoaWeek. The last element, a 2-character code, is shorthand for a given feature. To search: To find the beginning of the next section, search for the string containing two lefthand brackets with no spaces. To find a particular section, search for the string containing two lefthand brackets followed by the two-digit section number, with no spaces. To find a particular feature, search for the string containing the two-character code followed by two righthand brackets, with no spaces. Using the latter method, you can find a particular feature in any issue of OsoaWeek without even referring to the contents. The Contents are divided into three sections: (a) the introductory, informative, housekeeping sort of features, (b) stuff directly relating to the playing of Osoa, such as new Fonostas, events, info, etc., and (c) the general entertaining and informative section. These three areas are casual and separated for ease of use. To make it easy, in EVERY issue of OsoaWeek, the first section starts with Masthead (MH), the second with State of Obliviana (SO), and the third with Hemisinister Review (HR). 1-800-OBLIVIANA--This toll-free number can be called anytime from any phone in the Continental USA for the latest information on Obliviana, including samples of Obliviana sound bites! Acknowledgments: I would like to thank my girlfriend Kerri for putting up with me while I spend countless hours developing OsoaWeek--thanks Kerri, I love you! This Appendix is located at the end of the file because it contains boring, repetitive info you wouldn't want in your way. Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa) is an endeavor created by Frank Edward Nora, AKA, Lord of Obliviana. Osoa is fully independent and not affiliated with any other organization, belief, etc. Here's a detailed introduction to Osoa: You know there's something else going on in this world, but you can't quite pin it down. And you know there's something else going on with YOU. But it ever eludes you, and teases you, these glimpses of otherness. On the subject of explaining the world, people generally consider that science and religion form a complete scale. Science dealing with the measurable and observable, and religion dealing with the supernatural and mysterious. But really, science is limited to physical measurement and observation, and religion is limited to gods, supernatural beings, how the world was created, and what happens to us when we die. But if you consider it, there is a vast realm of human experience which does not fall into either category. It is this realm that I call Obliviana. Dreams, hunches, deja vu, luck, humor, creativity, emotions, intuition, events "working themselves out", psychic phenomenon, the atmospheres of certain places, memories from childhood, ruts, coincidence, "small world", and more. These are just the tip of the iceberg in Obliviana! Who knows what other exhilarating phenomena await our exploration? With the dawn of the Digital Superworld, that complex and ever-expanding interconnection of computers, networks, and the like, the realm of human endeavor is drastically changed. We have glimpsed a danger in the mesmerizing qualities of even the worst television. In the Digital Superworld, this effect is magnified by several orders of magnitude--so even the cheapest and most worthless online activities become irresistibly engaging and addictive. Imagine a population fully engaged in such tripe--jacked in, spending more and more time engrossed in such pointless, empty activities as computers and robots do more and more of the work. Not a pretty picture, is it? It is partially with the intent of preventing this nightmare that Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa) was established on July 28, 1994. Osoa is the first and greatest endeavor to provide the world with a viable, broad-based, universally-compelling endeavor to provide CONTEXT in the Digital Superworld. The exploration of Obliviana can be undertaken in a wild variety of ways. Check out the eleven Osoa Flowers (introduced in OsoaWeek001) for details. Also check out the first issue for details on establishing your very own Fonosta! Osoa is an innovative and far-reaching game. Why a game? Well, aren't most explorations really games when you come right down to it? And, as a practical matter, some of the elements in Obliviana are too bizarre to be presented as anything OTHER than a game. So Obliviana as game can be looked at as shielding and candy-coating, but can also be viewed as cutting to the heart of the matter--hey, exploring the realm of Obliviana is not vital to our ongoing survival, but it is pretty darn entertaining and satisfying. It is with the game of Obliviana running on the ever-expanding Digital Superworld that we can abandon the mediocrity of the past and make something very new, wild, and now. *OW* [[END003OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----