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|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 014--10/27/94 <------- || OsoaWeek || Issues || Book 2 || -------> (Cup OWis014, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN014OW]] [[01014CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 1 4 * * * October 27, 1994 "The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!" by Frank Edward Nora INSIDE THIS ISSUE! The Obliviana Renaissance Launches! Sexy Post-Barney Xuxa! Alan Funt--Immortal? Zope and the Mystery Coolidge Digital Superworld Youth Classictronica A visit to the actual "Clerks" convenience store! Tourney Today 209 Mobius Crochet Actuality Destructor Superior Whales: Reptiles or Mammals? It's Millicent! (Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim, digital ASCII copies of this copyrighted ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction require written permission from Frank Edward Nora.) OsoaWeek is published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement * copyright 1994 Frank Edward Nora * originating in New Jersey, USA * Contact: 1-800 OBLIVIANA/obliviana@aol.com/call for postal address Character count: 56921 / Line count: 1792 The contents are at the very end of this file. *OW* [[02014HR]] Hemisinister Review ***TV*** XUXA Pronounced "shoosha", she's a Brazilian hyperstar, who I heard was in porn or stripping or something, and who now does a decidedly offbeat children's show--on the Family Channel (an hour or so before 700 Club in the morning). She's very foreign in her manner, with hints of brutality and primitiveness. But she's not jaded and that's a rare commodity these days. Her animal friends, Jelly the Panda and Jam the Jaguar are cool. Highly recommended. FX I wish I could get it. NEWSWEASELS Boy, this show disappeared in a hurry. Maybe Harry Shearer's "Newshole" on Comedy Central will fare better? At least he's talented, unlike failures Hogan and Lear. CANDID CAMERA E! is now airing Candid Camera episodes, seemingly at random, spanning its entire history. The early episodes are awesome, with host Derwood Kirby, really raw. Alan Funt looks exactly the same in the 50s as he does in the 70s--what is he, an immortal or something? I can't wait to see Diane Fluge. A lot of their gags involved hiring temps and doing terrible things to them in fake offices, no? THE TONIGHT SHOW I read in TV Guide how Jay Leno is getting aggressive and how he changed his show. So I watched it, and even though he does have a little more energy and vitality, he still sucks. No comparison to Letterman. Give up, jerk. ZIMA COMMERCIALS Zima is horrible, but somehow their TV ads are even worse! The one where they're cooking a fish is so unbearable I'll turn the channel to get away from it, and these new B&W ones are equally queer. Please die, Zima. T2 On network TV, why does "dickwad" need to be replaced by "dorkwad"? W.I.L.D.CATS I had high hopes for this first Image Comics cartoon, but it's really bad. THE TICK What a surprise! This cartoon is on a Simpsons level of awareness. Cool superhero parody stuff, very nice. *OW* [[03014ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: ZOPE AND THE MYSTERY COOLIDGE ZOPE Okay, who the hell is that? (VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS) It is I, who both am and am not, who watches from the blackness, waiting to strike, silent, unknown. ZOPE Wait a minute--are you another one of those goddamn Calvin Coolidge clones of Ed Ape's? One of those spy clones? (VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS) Ha ha ha! My identity is unknown to all! ZOPE (firing a harpoon gun) Get over here you reject! The harpoon hits the Mystery Coolidge, and Zope drags him out of the shadows. MYSTERY COOLIDGE Agh! No! I cannot be seen! My master will punish me! ZOPE How f*cking typical. Now to figure out what to do with your sorry ass. MYSTERY COOLIDGE Go ahead and kill me--you might as well! ZOPE Oh ho! I don't think so! I have a much better fate for you! Huh! I'll finally get to use my Invasive Clone Reeducation Instrument! MYSTERY COOLIDGE NO!!! Later... MASTER JOE Huh! Look at that! I never knew a Mystery Coolidge could make such a good Bike Messenger Coolidge! ZOPE Yeah--and I can't wait to see how Ed Ape likes the package I'm sending him. MASTER JOE What is it? A neutron bomb? The Black Plague? A maggot-ridden headless rabid muskrat? ZOPE Nah, it's just ten pounds of pure vitamin A--he'll go nuts trying to figure out what it is! *OW* [[04014HT]] Halfevil Times HALFEVIL TIMES PERCEPTIONS & PONDERINGS EVER WONDER... ...how they can get away with saying "sh*take mushrooms" on the Wendy's commercial? ...who the hell reads all those crappy magazines at the newsstand you won't even give a second glance? ...how something like sticking sharp objects into your flesh could possibly become so "hip" and "cool"? ...why car manufacturers put at least one switch on your dashboard which has no conceivable purpose? ...why, considering we have "citizen's arrest", we don't have "citizen's beat the crap out of a pompous foreigner"? EVER NOTICE... ...that whenever they say "check local listings", somehow you can never find the show? ...that a Federal Lottery where the winner would get to shoot an AK-47 into the White House would be a great way to reduce the budget deficit? ...that people drive funny? ...that Anti-Barney stuff is more lame than Barney ever was? ...that the "It's Pat!" characters is a total copy of "Doug and Wendy Whiner", in terms of personality? *OW* [[05014LA]] Lord of Obliviana Okay people, okay. We've got this Renaissance of Obliviana thing going on, and it's really great and stuff, but I've had a terrible week so forgive me if it's less than perfect. In fact, the way things are going, next week could be a lot worse than this week, so what the heck--let's all be happy that OsoaWeek is coming out at all! That aside, there really are a lot of cool changes in this first issue of the second quarter. The first thing you'll notice is that the order of all the features has been shaken up. Right now it's 11:30 pm, 10/27/94. This file is currently only 37K, and nowhere near completion. I'm not sure exactly what I'm gonna do, but hopefully I'll get it done sometime tonight! Yeah, it's 12:36 am, now, 10/28/94. So this issue is late. What shall I do? I can try and patch it together in the next hour or two, or leave it until the weekend to finish properly. What do you think I should do? Well, you know already what it is that I did. I don't know. I guess I'll try to get it done tonight. 1:03. I think I'm gonna finish this later. Tomorrow's gonna be a killer day, and I have to get up in six hours. Crap. I hate this. I've been on time with all 13 issues of the first quarter--this is not a good sign. Once I begin to slip, it just gets worse and worse. Well, hopefully with the momentum I've built up from the first quarter, I'll get back on track. It's not like I have any readers or anything at this point who'll be disappointed OsoaWeek 014 didn't come out on time. Alright, so I'll return to this later! 40K. It's later. 5:21 pm, Saturday, 10/29/94. I've reordered the features to where they have to be, but I have to go out now for the rest of the day! Crap. 42K. 10:59 am, Sunday. I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed by the prospect of finishing OsoaWeek014 today, but I have to. Okay, it's 9:02 pm, Sunday. This is getting ridiculous. I have to finish this up. So that's what I'm gonna do. Don't be surprised if some features are skimped on, maybe a lot. 51K. So that's it. I'll get into explaining all these changes more next issue. Have fun, and as always--Get All Obliviana! *OW* [[06014NH]] Nihilistica ***ALL THE FEATURES!*** Hey now! Big changes here at OsoaWeek! And to help you sort it all out, here's the list of all OsoaWeek features, old and new, and what the status of each is. The list is alphabetical by the two-character code. In parentheses is the issues from the first quarter that the feature appeared in ("new" means it begins in this issue). After the ellipses, the status of the feature is given. And remember, just because a feature has "stopped" doesn't mean it's necessarily gone forever. So check out all 32 features and see what the heck is going on around here! AB--Antebellum (1)...stops AD--Actuality Destructor (new)...begins AX--Appendix (1-13)...stops CC--Classictronica (new)...begins CN--Contents (1-13)...continues CO--Catalog of Obliviana (1-13)...continues CV--Cover (new)...begins DH--Dehumidifier (new)...begins DY--Digital Superworld Youth (new)...begins EF--How to Establish Your Fonosta (1)...stops EM--Your E-Mail is Gonna Come (1-4, 6)...stops FA--Fonosta (new)...continues from FW FE--Friction Enhancer (1-5, 12)...continues FW--Fonosta World (2-5)...continues as FA HR--Hemisinister Review (1-13)...continues HT--Halfevil Times (1-13)...continues IB--Ibof (new)...begins IF--In the Flowers (1)...stops LA--Lord of Obliviana (new)...continues from LO LO--Lord of Obliviana Revelry (1-13)...continues as LA MB--Assignment: Mystery Box (1, 4)...stops MH--Masthead (1-13)...stops NH--Nihilistica (1-13)...continues NJ--New Jersey (1-4)...continues OP--Obliviana Primal Beat (1, 4)...stops SO--The State of Osoa (1-13)...stops SP--Sneak Preview (1-13)...stops SR--Severe Repair (1-13)...continues SU--Superior (1-13)...continues TN--209 (new)...begins TT--Tourney Today (new)...begins ZP--Zope (1-4)...continues ***FIRST QUARTER STATS*** Here are some of the vital statistics of the first quarter of OsoaWeek! CHARACTERS Total: 901690 Highest single issue: 99382 (001) Lowest single issue: 55828 (013) Average per issue: 69361 WORDS Total: 151774 Highest single issue: 16589 (001) Lowest single issue: 9308 (009) Average per issue: 11675 LETTERS PER WORDS Highest single issue: 5.03838 (002) Lowest single issue: 4.80960 (010) Average: 4.94216 LINES Total: 24550 Highest single issue: 2863 (001) Lowest single issue: 1366 (013) Average per issue: 1888 *OW* [[07014IB]] Ibof Hey there--this is Ibof, the Indefinite Battery of Obliviana Files! The idea here is that along with OsoaWeek, I'll be releasing other computer files in a variety of formats to enhance your Obliviana experience. Unfortunately, there will be no file released for this week, due to difficulties getting the new format of OsoaWeek off the ground. But I do have a whole lot of cool files, some completed, some being developed, which I think will be real interesting to ya! So until then, get all OsoaWeek! *OW* [[08014CO]] Catalog of Obliviana These days, when you buy a book, magazine, CD, or videotape, you get an artifact which acts as the medium for the information contained within. But as the Digital Superworld develops, more and more of the infostimulation you buy will be pure data--with no physical side, no artifact. In fact, OsoaWeek is such a formless thing--it's pure data. With this in mind, we here at Obliviana Super Occult Amusement feel that artifacts will begin to take on more meaning. And because of this, we have developed a system by which all of the Obliviana Artifacts we release have definite identity--with limited production, each item is numbered, stamped, and personally signed by its creator. The following list contains all the currently available Obliviana Artifacts. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 28 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 7 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[09014DY]] Digital Superworld Youth There's a lot of confusion today about where we're headed in the Digital Superworld. First of all, there are the multiple terminologies, such as "Information Superhighway", "Infobahn", "National Information Infrastructure", and all the rest. As you can see, to avoid all this crap, I've coined my own term, "Digital Superworld", which I use to mean the same thing as those other terms. Right now, I'm hearing a lot of narrow-minded predictions on what the Digital Superworld will be like. Some folks feel that it'll take 20 or 30 years to get to the Digital Superworld, while others are dead set in the notion that watching old movies and TV shows will be the main activity in DS. What people aren't taking into consideration is the idea that as various technologies advance, combinations thereof can become vastly more powerful than either alone. Another big problem is that folks generally tend to favor hardware advances over software developments. The game Tetris is a good example of how software means more than hardware. See, Tetris is such a simple game, it could have easily been written for the earliest video game systems, like the Atari 2600 and Mattel Intellivision. But the fact is, no one thought of it! So that ancient hardware could have been used to do a lot more--but since it became obsolete so fast, programmers moved on to more powerful hardware. The point I'm making here is that we have the technology today to create a functioning Digital Superworld. But in order to do this, we have to break away from traditional ways of doing things. Here's a simple example--a version of Ms. Pac-Man with a maze-editing feature. A new maze could be released every week, say, and results of how well players did would be distributed to all other players. This model contains two major components. One is VIAT, and the other is Focused Interaction. VIAT, which is Virtual Invoker-Artificer Technology, is system by which an on-site hardware/software system, the Artificer, contains most of the information necessary to render a certain thing, with requires only a very modest datastream containing Invocation of what needs to happen. So for example, the Ms. Pac-Man game would have a maze-generation system which would draw upon very small maze description files. The maze description file is the Invoker, and involves a tiny amount of data when compared with the entire maze creation and management system. What VIAT does is take advantage of the fact that computer hardware and software is advancing a heck of a lot quicker than the laying of fiber optic cable. Using existing phone lines, and with a real time 3-D Artificer, we can achieve the true interactive immersive Virtual Reality envisioned for the 21st century in but a year or two. Now that other thing I mentioned, Focused Interaction, is probably, in the long run, even more important than VIAT. What FI basically means is that interaction between a user and a central service and/or other users is limited, specific, and doesn't involve too many options. The Ms. Pac-Man thing is a perfect example. You interact with other players in a very limited way. Your scores are sent to other players, along with brief commentary back and forth. There is not the huge, unmanageable palette of choices which really isn't necessary. The idea is that it's better to offer a number of Focused Interaction services, rather than a huge, vague, formless, confusion mass of options, choices, and the like. FI does not limit choice--a service may offers thousands of FI's--it just takes each specific area and structures it for one specific purpose. And this brings me to yet another vital element of the Digital Superworld--Synchrotechity, which mean that forms of entertainment, information, and infostimulation should be in a form taking advantage of new technologies, not cramming old form into new systems. To me, the worst idea these days is movies and TV shows on demand--what a rotten and wasteful way to utilize such a wonderful new infrastructure. I love movies and TV, but for heaven's sake, it's time to move beyond that a little! VIAT based linear entertainment is one logical evolution of movies and TV. Just imagine, with a stable of 2-D or 3-D locations, vehicles, actors, props, etc., an Artificer can render an entire "movie" from a very small Invoker file. A CD-ROM of today can hold an awful lot of 3-D models, movements algorithms, sound samples, and the like. If you have the CD-ROM and an Artificer engine, the equivalent of a feature film could fit in perhaps 100K of Invoker instructions. While this is just an estimate, compare it with the roughly 1,000,000K (one gigabyte) size for a digitally compressed movie with low quality. We're talking the ability to fit 10,000 VIAT movies in the space it takes to encode one tradmethod film. Do you see something dawning here? It is with all of these ideas in mind, and a whole lot more, that I'm moving forward with Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Right now, I don't have anywhere near the resources to develop a VIAT system, but what I do have is the sort of CONTENT which will thrive on VIAT systems. Well people, it's time for me to get back to other matters Osoan, but be sure to check back next week for more explorations into this, the youth of the Digital Superworld! *OW* [[10014NJ]] New Jersey QUICK STOP Leonardo The story of the new movie "Clerks", which opens tomorrow, has been all over the media. See, two guys from New Jersey, who are clerks, make a movie about clerks for around $27,000. The film wins all sorts of awards, and it's bought by a major studio, and the creators become Hollywood big shots. Hearing all this, I was interested to see the convenience store and video shop where the thing was filmed. So I set out for Leonardo, which I knew was right off Rt. 36, not too far west of Sandy Hook. Taking the exit for Leonardo, the Quick Stop was up on the right a block or two down. First I checked out the video store, but the clerk was an old Asian woman, not a slacker twentysomething. Wanting to interact with her, but not mention the movie, I ask for a video I'm pretty sure doesn't exist--Disney's "Song of the South". She looked through all sorts of 3-ring binders in all sorts of categories, but came up empty-handed, as I knew she would. I almost asked her about the movie, but decided not to. This video store (the name of which I can't quite recall), is no Blockbuster, but rather, a tiny, semiorganized place. When I went in, a TV was blasting the five o'clock news. An interesting place. After that, I went on to the main attraction, the convenience store, Quick Stop. I went in and pour myself a large cup of coffee, which later turned out to be just about the worst coffee I've ever tasted. The store is well-stock, and laid out in a quirky manner. Looking over at the clerk, I was pleased to see he was a slacker twentysomething similar to the folks from the movie, but not quite one of them. I wandered around, got some Jolly Ranchers, and went to the register. There was no "Clerks" memorabilia of any sort that I saw. As I was walking around, there was a weird kind of alcoholic looking guy bantering with the clerk about the New York lottery, currently at $60 million. So when I went up, I talked to the clerk about the New Jersey lottery, at a measly 3.5 million. I bought two Quick Picks and was out of there, without asking about the film. Maybe I should have, but I didn't want to seem like a dork. I wanted to be "cool" and act like I didn't know that I was in what would soon be the most famous convenience store in the world. Am I a loser, or what? On the way out, there were a bunch of alcoholic types yelling down the street, and then they came up past the tattoo parlor next door to the Quick Stop. Then a kid ran at full speed toward the Quick Stop. Leonardo is a weird place. It's not your average New Jersey suburb--it's more like a different dimension. But what the f*ck--anything that publicizes New Jersey is okay with me! I'll see "Clerks" before the next OsoaWeek, and tell you all how it was. I sure hope my little excursion, about half-an-hour each way from Iselin to Leonardo, was worth it. I mean, the movie could suck. But I don't know, I have a feeling it'll be pretty good. So check out the store for yourself! Who knows--it may get ruined by all the publicity soon, so get on over there! *OW* [[11014CC]] Classictronica Ah, video games. The field of video games is becoming bigger and bigger, and there's a rich history to explore. Classictronica is the feature in OsoaWeek which explores the entire realm of video games, past, present and future. Look for the first full installment of Classictronica next week! *OW* [[12014TT]] Tourney Today Tourney is the place where it all comes together! The easiest way to imagine Tourney, before it comes online, is as a huge shopping mall/amusement park. And in Tourney, there are a number of Storefronts, each of which contains a themed cyberplace, big or small. A Storefront could contain an entire virtual world, or it could just be a cozy little space with a few displays. But this is the way Obliviana Super Occult Amusement is now organized--with the Storefront. Right now, Tourney and the Storefronts inside have to exist in text format, but sooner or later (hopefully sooner) it'll be online in all its three-dimensional glory! Get the whole picture in upcoming issues of OsoaWeek! *OW* [[13014FA]] Fonosta The whole Fonosta thing is changing greatly from what it was! Get ready for a whole new realm of Fonosta, to be detailed in upcoming issues of OsoaWeek! *OW* [[14014TN]] 209 Obliviana is a place--a real physical place that can be gotten to with enough effort. 209 is the occult practice which just might get you into the next frontier! Check out upcoming issues of OsoaWeek for a heck of a lot more info! *OW* [[15014FE]] Friction Enhancer FRICTION ENHANCER 5: Mobius Crochet Here's a fun and relaxing Friction Enhancer which just goes on and on. The basic idea is that you're crocheting a Mobius Strip, which has only one edge, even though it looks like a bunched-up scarf. The cool thing is, once it's started, you just keep doing the same thing over and over again, and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. And when it gets wide enough, it really starts to get weird. To crochet, you need a crochet hook and some yarn. The basic idea of crochet is that you have a loop, and you hook the yarn and pull it through the loop to make another loop, which then becomes the loop you pull the yarn through, and so on. When you're adding to an existing row, you stick the hook through the second loop from where you are, and pull the yarn through it. Then you'll have two loops on the hook. Pull the yarn through both hooks and you can repeat the process. I'm just giving you a basic idea of what's involved--I'm no expert on the subject, and I realize that these instructions are too sketchy. I was lucky--my grandmother taught me crochet when I was very young, and though I didn't do it for well over a decade, I picked it up again immediately. So to make the Mobius Strip, you start a row, and when it's the desired length, attach it to the beginning. Then go around once more, building on the first row, and when you get back to the beginning, you have to apply the half-twist--a 180 degree turn from the beginning. And once you get it started, you just keep crocheting along the single edge! So you pretty much have to be familiar with Mobius Strips and crochet to get into this FE right away. Otherwise, you can do some research at the library. Hopefully, I'll be able to present more detailed instructions for Mobius Crochet in the future, but for now, just believe me--it's worth it. *OW* [[16014AD]] Actuality Destructor ACTUALITY DESTRUCTOR 1 A common model of reality sets forth that there exists a physical universe, and that people have awareness. Through collecting raw sensory data, and through a complex series of pattern matching algorithms, information filtering, memory network referencing, and all sorts of other brain functions, the human awareness is able to experience the physical universe. This model is lucid, but I propose something different--the experience of reality is what truly exists, with both the physical universe and human awareness results of the experience, rather than the other way around. This concept is supported by the clear evidence that it is the experience of reality that we directly live with, and not primal universe or awareness. This concept, if true, has numerous ramifications. *OW* [[17014SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 105 I have a feel of security. I have an up the road on foot in Autumn, with the bag. I am have a Manhattan day, walking a lot, dreaming, losing. What a was what--let's all file away, let's it the day was fine. Cool. I was walking along and it was 1989 and it was near the Empire State Building or Times Square, and I realized that I could be a god, but I decided not to be. That thing with the girl and the peanut butter and jelly and the bed and everything was something else. SUPERIOR 106 Just wrote got be nostalgia. Airport tram, yeah in reality, yeah better in memory than reality, yeah, live in memory sometime. Try and explain it all, and the feelings, and it all. To hunger for a vacation and to have one and the feeling of satisfaction for months afterward. Talking to the bus driver, and the night and hello. Let's not short change this world of ours--it's a lot more complicated than we might like to think. SUPERIOR 107 Lamp. Iotas of cornmane leisure abrupt. Gore in its form, I gallop to a crawl at Easthead. Proll a good wine, and garlic sleek and turbulent and yesterday. Been and walkin, and gets undle. Amperage and is huter, and is just yammaty. Lee. SUPERIOR 108 For a friend, a fence and a day. Is can I climb you? Harpooned the moon and everything is hell. Dragged it down and it was bad. Who the hell are the strollers, where did they come from? When did people stop asking questions? *OW* [[18014DH]] Dehumidifier FOR JOEY 1--"You and Your Stupid Pennies" FADE IN INT--ROOM--DAY TEDDY, a weird guy with a blank expression and a piercing stare. He is intently taping Saltine crackers to a piece of paper. While doing this, he picks up a phone and dials it. TEDDY Chas... this is Teddy... yes Chas... I was wondering if I could meet you... tomorrow... yes, up at Meyer's place... (pause)... Chas... meet me at noontime... at Meyer's... I'll tell you then... goodbye. TEDDY hangs up the phone, stands up, and tapes the paper to the wall. There is a cracker in each corner. He looks at it, then adds a large black circle in the middle. INT.--SMALL ROOM--DAY TEDDY is sitting at a table writing something down. CHAS, a quiet but tough and skill fellow walks in. TEDDY, still writing, motions him to sit down. He sits. TEDDY Chas, (looks up), I have some disturbing news. A pause. CHAS What? TEDDY I was cleaning up the other night, (motions), and I went in, and... Joey was gone. CHAS Gone? Just vanished? TEDDY Vanished. I don't know what happened. I'm not sure. CHAS You better hope you can find him. TEDDY That's why I called you. CHAS Buqburr dola! --why should I clean up after your mistakes? TEDDY We can both go. We can find him then. CHAS What's in it for me? TEDDY Smashed pennies. CHAS You and your... TEDDY ...Oreos... medicine... happiness... CHAS Okay, I'll help you find Joey. But remember this if I ever need a favor. TEDDY Good. Good. I've been making a list of things we might need. CHAS takes the list and reads it. CHAS Yes. This looks okay. Yes. (pause). Shall we meet tomorrow morning, then? TEDDY Okay. In front of the third building. CHAS gets up. CHAS The third building. Alright. And I'll see what I can do about this stuff. CHAS leaves. TEDDY gets up and puts his chair on the table, he looks at it, then adjusts it slightly and admires it. INT.--CHAS' HOUSE--NIGHT CHAS comes in, reads the list again, sets it aside, and falls asleep in front of the TV. EXT.--PARKING LOT--MORNING CHAS and TEDDY are standing by TEDDY'S car. TEDDY I've been reading about whales. CHAS So what? TEDDY Huge sea creatures. And they're mammals, just like us. CHAS I thought they were reptiles. TEDDY No, they're mammals. I was thinking, maybe Joey's at the beach. CHAS Couldn't be at the beach. TEDDY Why not? CHAS Too cold this time of year. TEDDY Oh, yeah. CHAS Well, we better get going. We have a lot of ground to cover. They start to get into the car, but are startled by a voice. HOODLUM Hey! The two look over, startled to see a small gang of HOODLUMS. HOODLUM You guys goin' somewhere? The HOODLUMS have several weapons, and appear threatening. TEDDY motions his head towards CHAS, who reaches inside the car and pulls out a sword. He holds it up and the HOODLUMS run away. Then the two get into the car. INT --CAR--DAY TEDDY is driving, and they're going down a road. TEDDY What's our game plan? CHAS I figure we'll check the bridges first. He might be hiding underneath a bridge. And then maybe a few warehouses. TEDDY How about train stations? CHAS Yeah, them too. TEDDY Maybe while we're there we could smash some pennies. CHAS You and your stupid pennies. Silence for a few moments. CHAS (Cont'd) Let's turn in here. They turn into a parking lot. EXT.--PARKING LOT--DAY CHAS kneels down and examines and smells a clump of dirt. CHAS (Cont'd) Yeah, he's definitely been through here. CHAS carefully puts the clump into a plastic bag. EXT.--TRAIN STATION--DAY CHAS (Cont'd) (looking around) Well, Teddy, he doesn't seem to be here. TEDDY is a little ways off, examining a train schedule. Then he walks over to the tracks and begins placing pennies on them. CHAS notices and comes over. CHAS (Cont'd) What are you doing? TEDDY Pennies. CHAS But we don't have time. TEDDY I know, but there's a train coming in ten minutes. CHAS Okay. They wait. The train comes and goes. TEDDY goes over and picks up the smashed pennies from the rails. He then takes the paper with the crackers out of his pocket, along with some white glue, and glues one of the smashed pennies over the circle. CHAS (Cont'd) You and your stupid art. TEDDY Here, have one, it's good luck. INT.--CAR--DAY They're driving down the road. TEDDY (Cont'd) I've seen better streets than this. CHAS Shut up and keep driving. Silence for a couple of moments. TEDDY I'm hungry. CHAS Me, too. EXT.--PARK--DAY CHAS and TEDDY are sitting at a picnic table. CHAS (Cont'd) Well, we've checked all the bridges, train stations, toy stores, mountains, sewers, warehouses, alcoves, water towers, supermarkets, highways, farms, libraries, rivers, trees, abandoned vehicles, and video stores. Where could he be? TEDDY is making strawberry Alka-Seltzer. CHAS is eating something strange. TEDDY Chas, look how it fizzes. CHAS Where could he be? I can't think of anywhere else to look. TEDDY is drinking his drink. TEDDY Why don't we check some alleyways? CHAS No, he wouldn't be there. Too dirty. TEDDY Why don't we... CHAS Yes? TEDDY I forgot. CHAS Um. Silence as they think and eat. TEDDY I have an idea. CHAS What? TEDDY Why don't we go to a Chinese restaurant. CHAS Why? He wouldn't be there. TEDDY I know, but we could get fortune cookies. Who knows, they might have some clues in them. CHAS I don't know, at this point I'm willing to try anything. But how are we going to be hungry after eating all this lunch? TEDDY We can just eat a little bit and then get doggie bags. CHAS Okay, but it better work. EXT.--CHINESE RESTAURANT--DAY TEDDY and CHAS are walking out of the restaurant. They have doggie bags and some fortune cookies. They walk over to a wall and crack the cookies open. TEDDY I just thought... what if these cookies are poisoned? CHAS Why should they be poisoned? TEDDY I guess you're right. What does yours say? CHAS It says "the road to eternal bliss is paved with anchovies." Not much there. How about yours? TEDDY Mine says "check under the ramp in the parking garage at the mall." CHAS That's what we've been waiting for -- let's go! EXT.--MALL PARKING GARAGE--DUSK CHAS (Cont'd) Here's the ramp, but no Joey! TEDDY Stupid fortune cookies. They sit, dejectedly, for a short while. CHAS Wait a second! There's another ramp on the other side! TEDDY Let's go! They go over, where they find Joey sitting under the other ramp. TEDDY (Cont'd) Joey! CHAS C'mon Joey, it's time to go home. They all get into the car and drive off. *OW* [[19014SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 14: "It's Millicent!" "Okay, okay." Daptin said, holding his hands up, walking toward Cup's Club. "Everything's cool. We talked to your friend there. Let's just sort this all out." The members of Cup's Club were standing at the ready. Coabler the Sawman pointed one of his saws at Daptin and asked "So where's the coffee?" Daptin looked over at Granticaine, who shrugged, then back at Coabler. "Okay. I'm gonna be totally honest. Some of it is in me. That is, I drank some of it." Coabler looked angry and puzzled. Daptin continued. "I mean, it's okay. The thing is, it's a pattern integrity, just like her. It'll go back together. In a while." Kesh the Vector moved a little closer to Daptin and his friends. "Let's assume you're telling the truth." the phantom said. "Why exactly have you drunk it?" "Um," Daptin began, "the idea is that, like, when the time comes for it to like, you know, go back together, it will draw us all back into the regular world. Get us out of this place." "I see." Kesh said, sounding satisfied. "And you guys can have the goddamn thing when we get back." Daptin said. "The people who hired us used us as pawns. We have no interest in the cup." "So why did you guys go on the mission in the first place?" Demolish All asked lazily, looking at her fingernails, leaning on a log. "We didn't know!" Fake said, sitting on the other end of the log. Kesh looked toward her. They had let her out of her cage on the condition she behaved herself. "So what are you saying?" Coabler asked, looking from Fake to Daptin. "You were sent on a mission, but you subsequently discovered that you were being deceived?" "Yes!" Fake yelled. "Cool it." Classic of Logic said, standing nearby with her arms crossed, glaring at Fake. "How?" Coabler said. Just then, Daptin felt the vibration throughout his body of Tavmatey trying to talk to him. He couldn't understand it, however. He cringed and answered Coabler, getting a little upset. "Look buddy. Not that it's any of your business, but we could hear a girl's voice from inside the cup. We were supposed to rescue her, but it all went wrong. Or right I suppose, for them. But you guys came along and messed everything up. After the balloon, she told us everything." "Okay." Coabler said, looking over at Kesh, who nodded. "Just give me your word that you speak the truth, and we can get on to the business of figuring all this out." Daptin looked around. "Me? You mean me? Yeah. I give you my word. I give you my word that everything I told you is true, that we will give you the cup, and that we won't attack you, only defend ourselves." "That satisfies me." Coabler said. "Come hither and let us discuss many matters." With this, Daptin, Granticaine, Wreckage Mallie, Iterator of Rail Avenue, and Pantry Lurkin approached Cup's Club, who had arranged a number of logs into a rough circle. As Pantry Lurkin walked past Kesh the Vector and Bith the Silly Train, he looked up and said "I like weirdoes!" As Daptin found a log to sit on, he spied Jerald Hapal Hatch sprawled out on the other side of the circle. "Whatever happened to him?" Daptin asked Fake. "Whatever happened to YOU?" she shot back. "They just knocked him out. He's still alive though, unfortunately. But what the f*ck man? Where did all these psychos come from? Did you get back to Agoopish?" "Let me explain it all to you later. These 'psychos' as you call them are my good friends. Just truest me on this." "Fine." Fake said, looking away. All twelve individuals were seated around the circle of logs, and Coabler took charge of the affair. "I have been seeking the cup of coffee for an extremely long time. I have the ability to walk toward the cup. There have been several false cups, but I believe the one you folks had was the true one. We just have to--" All of a sudden, a musical beeping noise could be heard. Instantly, Mallie looked down at his duffel bag. "What is that noise?" Kesh asked, a tone of alarm and threat in his voice. "Uh--it's, uh--it's my gun--" Mallie stuttered, nervous. "Gun?" Coabler bellowed, standing up. "Relax!" Granticaine roared in a tone of supreme authority. Pattern Integrity smiled at him intensely. "It's nothing more than a communication device built into his gun." "Probably just his girlfriend calling." Iterator of Rail Avenue said. "But I don't think--" Daptin began. "Okay, take it out." Coabler said, still standing, but somewhat calmer. "Okay." Mallie said, as he unzipped his bag, shaking in nervousness, and carefully picking up the gun in an unthreatening manner. Kesh looked at Coabler, saying "I would thoon safe." Coabler nodded. "Should I answer it?" Mallie asked, trembling. "I don't think--" Daptin said, but was cut off by Coabler raising his hand. "Okay sir, now answer that call on the count of three. Understood? When the count reached three, answer it." Coabler said. Daptin looked helplessly at Mallie, then at Granticaine. "One." Coabler said. "Hold on a second!" Daptin yelled, standing up. The musical beep chimed yet again. "I don't like this! This place is totally f*cked up! Things don't work right. My popcorn sure f*cking didn't!" "What are you trying to say?" Coabler asked. "Look fella--we're dealing with two totally different worlds here. Stuff designed for one place does weird stuff--maybe bad stuff in the other." "Fine. Settle down green hair. You know more about this than us. We'll just wait and hope the call stops." Just then, the warbling chime was replaced by a continuous tone. Mallie looked up, and said simply "Sh*t". "What!" Daptin exploded. "Answering machine." Mallie said. A click could be heard, and Mallie looked at the base of the handle of the gun, where there was a little video screen. A little image of a young woman with gold and brown striped skin came onto the screen. Her voice could be heard tinnily through the gun's speaker. "Hi Mallie, just wondering where the andle you are. Looks like you forgot our date again. Well, I guess I'll just have to go to Mompobla myself tonight. And I didn't tell you before, but..." "Goddamn!" Mallie yelled, looking at Daptin. "I have to answer it! She's in danger! For real!" Daptin inhaled sharply. "Do you absolutely have to, Mallie?" The woman sounded like she was finishing up her message. "Yes Daptin! There are people there who'll--come on man!" Mallie pleaded. "Okay. I guess if the message came through okay." but Mallie had such a look of urgency, Daptin said "Okay! Answer it!" But just as Mallie was fiddling with the controls, the screen went blank. "F*cking goddamn bastard!" Mallie said at the gun. Then, looking up at Daptin, "I gotta call her back right damn now!" Daptin looked down, sitting, and said "Fine. Go ahead." "Just be nice and easy with that firearm." Coabler cautioned. "I will. I will." Mallie said, fiddling with some buttons, the screen filling with text. "Okay. It's going through." Muffled beeping noises could be heard from the gun, and soon the same clicking noise was heard and the woman's face came up again. "Yes?" the striped woman said. "Hi Phazzy. It's me." Mallie said. The lighting around the group changed. Everything got just a little bit darker. "Barenfa! Where are you, baby?" Phazzy said. Suddenly, things got brighter. A lot brighter. "I'm on a mission with Grant and the gang. But I can't--what the hell?" As the light had been getting brighter, it suddenly stopped, and the sky which has been a very dull gray became a gloriously bright green. Everyone looked up at the sky, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary, save for the brighter, more colorful sky. But since they were all listening in on Mallie, they withheld comment. "This is a really weird place." Mallie said, sighing. "But look honey, I'm not gonna be around tonight, but do not go to Mompobla. Kanvin is out." "Crap!" Phazzy said. "Nice of you to tell me." "I'm telling you now." "Fine. Guess I'll do some education tonight instead. But will you be back soon?" "Yeah." Mallie said, looking at Granticaine. "Yeah, I should be back for tomorrow." "Okay baby." Phazzy said. "Take care of yourself--I don't want you to pull a Cueria on me!" "No I won't." Mallie said, scratching his head. "So I gotta go now. Love you honey." "I love you too, baby. See ya." And with a click, the call was ended. "That was important?" Daptin asked. "Yes. Very. She could have been killed." "Fine." Daptin said, looking up. "What the f*ck was that that just happened?" "Who knows?" Fake said. "This place is so bizarre who cares if weird stuff happens? I mean--are you even surprised?" "First of all," Coabler said, "you turn that gun off. I don't want any more calls. And the rest of you, no more calls, hear me? And look at the sky--I've been in these cupworlds for years, and I've never seen anything like that. Now you folks gave me your word--can you tell me now that you didn't cause that?" "We didn't cause it, friend." Granticaine said. "Clearly," Kesh said, "we are in a highly unstable situation. I felt something when the sky changed--something that has me very worried. I think Daptin was right about these two worlds not mixing well. We must be careful." "I agree." Daptin said. "Well, let us conclude these matters then and be on our way." Coabler said. "So let me cut to the chase--am I right in believing, Daptin, that you will now take up all back to wherever the cup is?" "Well, yes." Daptin said. "It's just, there's a time factor." "A time factor?" Coabler asked. "Yes. It will take some time, maybe like eight or twelve hours, before we can return." "And this is because the coffee you drank will seek to reunite with the cup?" Coabler asked. "Yes. I believe so." Daptin said. "Come over here." Coabler said to Daptin, who then hesitated. Coabler narrowed his eyes. "I have an ability to feel the true cup. If you have its coffee in you, I should be able to feel it and verify your story." "I--I guess that should be okay." Daptin said, approaching Coabler. "Just hold out your hand." Coabler said. Daptin complied, and the Sawman took hold of the hand with his own. After a few moments of concentration, he released Daptin. "That's an affirmative. Let's get going." "How do we know that we'll all be brought along?" Bith asked. Everyone looked at him. "I don't know. It seems that if people are travelling together, they're all pulled along." Daptin said. "Quite right. That's how my power works. But we have to be moving, walking. So let's get up and get a move on right now--we can't risk being left behind." Coabler said. "Fine by me." Daptin said, getting up. "But what about Jerald?" "No problem for me to carry him." Kesh said quietly. Soon, the whole group had gathered everything together, and began walking in an arbitrary direction under that disturbingly brilliant green sky. They soon found the way hard going--it seemed the slay balloon's intensity was so great near the epicenter, that it left only smooth ground--but beyond a few miles, tangles of broken trees made travel difficult. "This sucks." Fake said. "It would suck even worse if you were trapped on this sh*thole forever, which is what'll happen if I slip away while we're standing still." Daptin said. "Yeah great, but do we have to travel so fast?" Fake said. "Let's err on the side of caution, little one." Kesh said, floating easily over a fallen tree. Fake climbed over the tree with some difficulty, saying "Yeah, but Daptin, didn't you say it would be like eight hours or something before it happens? I can't keep up this pace." Daptin looked over at her, her cinder block hovering close nearby. Then he looked ahead at the unconscious form of Jerald Hapal Hatch, floating along, shot through with vectors from Kesh. "Yeah," Daptin said, wiping some sweat from his forehead. "This is pretty rough going. But it's not like we're on innocent hike. We're in pretty deep sh*t here, Fake. We're talking like never ever getting home if we're not careful." "Ha! You'll get back no matter what! You've got the coffee inside you." Fake said. "Not necessarily." Coabler said, bounding over a tree trunk. "If Daptin isn't moving at the moment of return, he too may be left behind." Daptin looked ahead at Coabler, not too thrilled to hear that. "But uh, Coabler," Daptin said. "Couldn't you just use your power then?" "That's what I have been doing, green. It took us eighty years to find it. You fancy trekking another eighty?" "Good point." Daptin said. "But you know what I was thinking--like Kesh, could you maybe, I dunno, float a log and let some people ride on it or something?" Kesh paused in midair, turning to face Daptin. "That's not a bad idea. I thought of it myself, not too long ago, but there are a few problems with it. First off, I have my limits--I certainly couldn't carry everyone. Also--since we're being so purist in terms of travel, could riding a log animated with vectors be the wrong sort of travel?" "So what about Jerald?" Fake asked. "I'm carrying him, not a log. If he were conscious, I don't think he'd like the feeling." "Not much." Fake said, smiling, recalling the creepy feeling of Kesh's vectors. "Let's keep it as an option." Daptin said. "But for now, we'll make due." "The end of the quest." Classic of Logic said distantly. "Who cares about the cup anymore?" Demolish all said. "I wanna have fun in the 'regular' world, whatever that is." "Hey you with the crowbar." Fake said. Demolish All stopped and turned. "Me?" "Yeah. I saw you blast that tree before. Why can't you blast a clear path for us?" "The junk we're climbing through now is a result of YOUR destructive wave. What makes you think mine will be any cleaner?" "Well, just an idea. I guess I'm lazy. Always looking for ways to make this trip easier." "No big deal, there, chick." Demolish All said, continuing on. "I wanna destroy more! Blast 'em!" Pantry Lurkin said, riding on Mallie's shoulders. A few members of the party chuckled, but a moment later, a booming voice, deep and resonant, announced "It's Millicent!" "Who said that?" Pattern Integrity said, looking around in confusion. Ahead of them, the whole group saw a young woman standing on top of a fallen tree trunk, smiling and looking around. She wore a black overcoat, had a round face with neat blond hair, worn long. "I actually did it--I'm inside the movie." she said, nodding in satisfaction. The group stopped and exchanged annoyed glances. Coabler rolled his eyes and looked back at the rest of the gang. "Okay, who want to deal with this?" Classic of Logic stepped forward and said "This is all we need." The girl smiled at Classic as she approached. "Well hello there Classic of Logic and all of you. My name is Millicent, and you know what? I'm inside the movie!" "Okay." Classic said. "When you say you're inside the movie, what exactly do you mean? Do you mean that you were watching a movie with us in it, and somehow used a superpower or device to step into the film?" "You got it!" Millicent said brightly, jumping down and leaning on the log. "I've always loved 'Cup's Club'--that's why I chose it." Daptin looked up at the green sky, and muttered "I knew that phone call was a bad idea." Bith, nearby, turned to Daptin and asked "Huh?" "I'm just saying, when Mallie made that call and the sky turned green, I knew something went wrong--and now this! A girl who steps into a movie and we're the movie. I mean, you know what? We're totally f*cked." Fake stepped forward and addressed Millicent. "Look Millicent. As I'm sure you know from the movie, we're in a pretty bad situation here, and to us, it's reality. We have to keep moving." "I know. But you have some time yet. You can take a break and relax." Daptin walked ahead to the side and yelled "Can't you see? It was the phone call! I direct link between here and there, direct communication. Look at the sky! And now, we're in some really dangerous territory. Remember when we were working at the water treatment plant? Or where we were goddamn prostitutes? Now we're characters in a movie--and even worse--part of this babe's adolescent fantasy! I can't take it! I just can't f*cking take it!" "Now wait a minute, Daptin." Granticaine said, sitting down on boulder. "I think you're overreacting to this. I mean, just think about it. If there are infinite alternate worlds out there, then it makes sense that in one of them they just happened to make a movie about characters and circumstances identical to us right now. That doesn't mean we're in the movie." "I just have a bad feeling about the whole thing." Daptin said, his frost flame flaring. "Now Millicent," Granticaine said, "just where are you from and what method did you employ to get here?" "Well, I'm from a place called Canada, and I got here from a spell I read in an old book in the school library." "And girl," Granticaine said gently, "what exactly do you intend to do now that you're here?" "I just, you know, I just wanted to join you on your journey. You know, be friends with you." "Uh huh." Granticaine said. "And just how are you planning on getting back?" "I don't know." Millicent said brightly. Daptin shook his head. "Let me get this straight. You found a spell in a book, and read it--where--in a movie theater?" "No--they were showing 'Cup's Club' at the library." "The same library the book came from?" Fake asked. "No--that was the school library. This was the main library." "And where is this book?" Granticaine asked. "I put it on the seat beside me." Millicent said. "I memorized the spell and recited it." "Okay I can't take it anymore." Mallie said. "What happens in the movie?" "What, the whole movie?" Millicent said. "No! The part after this part." Mallie said. "Well, you see, that's sort of why I chose this movie. This is real near the end. They kinda leave it open, you know, to like individual interpretation. We talked about it in class. You know, what people thought would happen and everything." "Great." Mallie said. "Do you want to go back, Millicent?" Granticaine asked. "Um--I dunno. If I could live here with you guys I don't think I'd ever want to go back!" "The spell." Classic of Logic said. "Do you remember it?" "Yeah. Uh-huh" Millicent said. "Is there a spell to reverse it?" Classic asked. "I think there was, but I didn't really read it." "Don't you think you should try and get back? You can always do the spell again, but you must have family who'll worry sick about you." Classic said. "I guess. But you know--I didn't really think it would work. I never expected it to." "So recite the spell!" Classic said. "Um, okay. But it doesn't make any sense. It's all about going into the story, not getting out. But I'll try it anyway. Here goes." With this, she recited the rhyming spell, and when she finished, she was still there. "Guess it doesn't work the other way around. I told you there was another one to get back." "You're a long way from Canda." Fake said. "Canada!" Millicent said, stressing the pronunciation. "Canada, whatever." Fake said. Daptin lost his patience. "Okay people, whatever. Millicent, congrats, you're now an honorary member of Cup's Club. Now can we all get a goddamn move on? I for one really want to see what happens next in the adventures of Cup's Club, especially if it means us getting back to reality safe and sound." "Okay. Millicent, as leader of Cup's Club, I do grant you honorary membership. Now all of you, forward!" Coabler said. "I'm really here." Millicent muttered, falling into step. "I can't believe it." "We can't either." Daptin said wearily. *OW* [[20014CN]] Contents BEGIN 01 014 CV--Cover 02 014 HR--Hemisinister Review 03 014 ZP--Zope 04 014 HT--Halfevil Times 05 014 LA--Lord of Obliviana 06 014 NH--Nihilistica 07 014 IB--Ibof 08 014 CO--Catalog of Obliviana 09 014 DY--Digital Superworld Youth 10 014 NJ--New Jersey 11 014 CC--Classictronica 12 014 TT--Tourney Today 13 014 FA--Fonosta 14 014 TN--209 15 014 FE--Friction Enhancer 16 014 AD--Actuality Destructor 17 014 SU--Superior 18 014 DH--Dehumidifier 19 014 SR--Severe Repair 20 014 CN--Contents END *OW* [[END014OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |