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|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 015--11/3/94 <------- || OsoaWeek || Issues || Book 2 || -------> (Cup OWis015, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN015OW]] [[01015CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 1 5 * * * November 3, 1994 "The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!" by Frank Edward Nora INSIDE THIS ISSUE! Journey far beyond hell! "Stargate" sucks! Andy Williams--Cool? Insane Adolescent Virgin Fighter Pilots Sphere Connoisseurs & Bladdersmiths Frustration: The Ancient Factor Non-Thorium Antenna The Significance of "Donkey Kong Country" "And was at observation highland at northpike." "Kill the Pompous Foreigners" Quality Scout! Reality Crash! OsoaWeek--the best magazine ever. (Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim, digital ASCII copies of this copyrighted ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction require written permission from Frank Edward Nora.) OsoaWeek is published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement * copyright 1994 Frank Edward Nora * originating in New Jersey, USA * Contact: 1-800 OBLIVIANA/obliviana@aol.com/mail: Osoa P.O. Box 60 Iselin, NJ 08830-0060 Character count: 66904 / Line count: 2033 The contents are at the very end of this file. *OW* [[02015HR]] Hemisinister Review ***TV*** CYBERMANIA '94 The first-ever awards show for video and computer games, this show was rather poorly done, but it does reveal Hollywood's growing fascination with video games. Leslie Nielsen and some punk hosted, with the usual assortment of celebrity presenters annoying as ever. Why did they depend so much on the cliches of other award shows? Oh well. Too bad it wasn't better. ***MOVIES*** CLERKS It is a wonderful directorial voice that sings the delicate cinematic song of Clerks. That is, there's a very gentle and pure undertow beneath the raw surface of this film. Made for $27K by New Jersey guys, and bought my a major studio, this is a truly great film. It strikes so many chords, creates an atmosphere so disarming, that it is truly an amazing experience. No wonder it won so many awards. See it! STARGATE Bad, cliche, weak filmmaking here. Dull characters, slight plot, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" copying, and a totally one-dimensional villain cripple this movie, whose premise had promise. There are so many stupid things that happen, so many things begging for an explanation which is never given. Bad. ***CDS*** ANDY WILLIAM'S GREATEST HITS VOL. 2 For those jaded with rock, rap, and techno, this sort of vocal/popular music is refreshingly unfamiliar, while the melodies fire memory neurons from childhood. I got this CD because of a song on a rerun of a '70s or '80s "Name That Tune"--"Music to Watch Girls By"--which is a very cool song. I found that several of these songs were on music boxes my mother had while I was growing up--like "(Where Do I Begin) Love Story" and "The Impossible Dream (The Quest). "MacArthur Park" was parodied by Weird Al as "Jurassic Park". So what the hell--this stuff has been so shunned by youth in the past, it may indeed now be cool! KILLING JOKE--PANDEMONIUM Hey, "Millenium" is a great song, and the other stuff on here is alright as well. Kind of a tired style, though. DGC RARITIES VOL. 1 Worth it for the Nirvana demo "Pay to Play" (a variation on "Stay Away"), there are a couple other good tracks on here, but a bunch of clinkers too (like the Counting Crows one). Beck's "Bogusflow" is also cool--he sounds like a Bill Clinton impersonator on it! THE DAMBUILDERS--ENCENDEDOR Reminds me of The Pixies, but the violin part is kind of a downer. Really good, almost. A little too reserved. It wouldn't be a mistake to get it. THE RUGBURNS--MORNING WOOD Great humor folk stuff, better than They Might Be Giants, reminds me of Bonzo Dog Band. The radio version of "Me and Eddie Vedder" is what got me interested in the band. Trying to find this CD may be a real headache, though. But if you can find it, get it. *OW* [[03015ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: ZOPE AND MALL FUN ZOPE Well Weasel, here we are in the mall parking lot! WEASEL Now what are we going to do again? ZOPE We're gonna tell people lies and get them to buy us stuff! WEASEL Oh. So where is everybody? ZOPE The mall doesn't open for another fifteen minutes. WEASEL Why get here so early? ZOPE You'll find out--look! Two security guards park and start walking into the mall, glancing suspiciously at Zope and Weasel. WEASEL So? ZOPE It's the best part! After we start hassling people, someone will inevitably inform mall security, and we can have fun fighting with them! WEASEL You know Zope, that's why I like being your friend--you think up ways of having fun no one else would ever dream of! ZOPE Yeah, and I didn't even tell you the part about the insane adolescent virgin fighter pilots or the antimatter death cannons yet! *OW* [[04015HT]] Halfevil Times HALFEVIL TIMES CLASSIFIEDS ***HELP WANTED*** HOPER Large corporation seeking qualified man or woman to help us hope that our sales will increase. Must have at least two years experience in yearning and confidence or a master's degree in optimism. Contact The Jack-in-the-Pulpit Growers of Connecticut, Inc. (203)-555-4387. CATASTROPHIST Are you skilled at causing sudden disastrous things to occur? If so, you could be the person we're looking for to cause such things to happen as unexpected volcanic eruptions, plane crashes, earthquakes in large cities, mass poisonings, etc. Work on a commission basis and earn big $$$. Contact Earl's Early 70's Style Calamities, 14 Debacle Circle, Titanic, Quebec, F8L-4S3 SPHERE CONNOISSEUR Small company seeking one who is expert in the design, aesthetics, criticism and precise measurement of orbs of all types. Must have pi memorized to at least 100 digits and a B.A. in Balls in order to be considered. Send resume and $25 to Geometric Solidifiers Associates, 628 Madison Ave., Suite 42832238, New York, NY, 10000. BLADDERSMITH Local baby factory requires experienced organ maker to work in our expanding bladder department (no pun intended). Good wages and benefits, with room for promotion to intestinal or circulatory divisions. Contact M. Bilica, personnel dept., Bundle'o'Joy Inc. ***FOR SALE*** OLD PEOPLE Nursing home going out of business and must liquidate our stock of elderly citizens. Most in reasonably good shape and able to perform simple tasks. Entertaining to keep around the house or office. Selling individually or as set. Sorry, no warranties. Call Steven at 555-4511. ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING Soft drink manufacturer under new management and must sell 16 vats of flavoring from discontinued product line. Flavors include: Earthworm, radium, goose, laundry, kerosine, lumber, Nazi, and sausage. Asking $4,000,000 or best offer. Call LSD-CIA Beverages at 555-2110. MINIATURIZED WHALES You name 'em, we got 'em! Humpback, killer, blue, sperm, all conveniently shrunken to fit your fishtank. Tired of stupid fish? Well, get the pet that's much smarter than you! Send $19.99 plus postage and handling for our free catalog to Smaller Cetaceans Ltd., 4 Lampoil Dr., Daytona Beach, FL, 33433. DISCORD Are you annoyed by friends and neighbors with happy, serene existences while your life is a living hell? Well no more! We specialize in distributing chaos and unpleasantness to those who deserve it--at very reasonable prices! Happy family next door getting on your nerves? Bring 'em down a notch or two with teen pregnancy, alcohol addiction, physical or mental abuse, etc.! Free estimates available on request. Call Tranquillity Busters at 555-3330. ***LOST & FOUND*** SENTIENT TORNADO Found lurking in my backyard early last week. Refuses to eat but often plays games with my kids, showing a great deal of intelligence. It cannot speak, but does react violently when it hears words starting with the letter "Q". Owner please claim, as it has become more of a nuisance than a curiosity. Call Jane at 555-4876, after 6:37 pm. MIND Lost. I am called the master of dreams--the rows and rows of happy farm animals in polyester worship me--I am your ape in the cosmos--eat my new food products under a scarlet sky--there are insects living inside my chest cavity--I like them. INSIDE OUT COW Highly valuable bovine with all it's internal organs, muscles, bones, etc., on the outside of it's body. Last seen running down E. 9th St. screaming like a banshee. High sentimental value and big reward offered. Contact Tullio at 555-8899. MELTED REPTILES Found near the warehouses on Suoeed St., a number of molten remains of various lizards, snakes, alligators, tortoises and the like. No apparent cause has been found, but we would appreciate if the owners and/or those responsible would come and claim the remnants, otherwise they will be auctioned off. Call Paul H. at 1-(769)-555-0009. *OW* [[05015LA]] Lord of Obliviana Hi there. It is me again, Frank Edward Nora, the Lord of Obliviana. Welcome to yet another quite fab issue of OsoaWeek, the ezine you know you gotta have! I tell ya--man, thank goodness I'm past that bad October. And here we are, speeding into nasty winter, and I'm happy! I went into CD World at the mall today to get "Nirvana Unplugged in New York", but instead, I got "Andy William's Greatest Hits Vol. 2". I think it was a wise decision. See a review of it above, I guess! I haven't written it yet! But it's up there for you! Yeah, today was the day where that woman in South Carolina admitted to killing her kids, as opposed to them being kidnapped by a carjacker. What a villain, this monster, crying in front of the camera for the return of the kids she murdered by drowning. How emotional. First, feeling for her, and the kids in the videotape, then the hatred for her and all. All about emotion. And emotion is a big part of human life. And I wonder--is this a problem, these compelling, yet trivial cases hogging the headlines? I'm not sure. After an afternoon nap, here I am. Saturday here and OsoaWeek015 is 2 days late. I had a dream including cool little paperweights, glass in the shape of the smooth rocks inside them, with water inside too--so the rock clicked against the glass in a cool way when shaken. Also, a crummy double-theater at Disney World. Okay. Last time I clued you in as to the production difficulties and stuff. Right now it's 3:02 pm. The file is at 54K. So I'll do as much more as possible until tonight, then finish it. Now the question is, should I go see a matinee showing of "Stargate", in 25 minutes, or keep going on this issue? Ah, maybe I'll go see the movie to wake up, you know, and then finish this up. What a genius I am. Bargain matinees are only on weekdays. "Stargate" was a pretty weak film--I guess there's a review above. Yeah, I feel I've really gotten over a hurdle. October was a real drag, but it has taken me through a maelstrom and deposited me on higher ground, much higher. Okay, it's 9:38 pm now, still Saturday. Cybermania '94 is on, and I'm struggling with finishing up this issue. I guess that really, in order to just get it done, I'm gonna have to cut a lot of features. I'm not happy about it, but I should be working on OsoaWeek016 now, rather than 015. So what the hell! Let me finish it up! 11:28 and it's done. Oh yes. Another rung in the ladder to fame and fortune! (This is a pretty tall ladder, though). So there it is. Well folks, stay with me here, I'll get OsoaWeek back on schedule, you just wait. And as we travel into the future together, Get All Obliviana! *OW* [[06015NH]] Nihilistica ***A LIST OLOGOCH*** [1] "Just when did they call and do it?" [2] Foxes underwear world Inside bridge OK [3] Imitations imitates interact! [4] Green blocks, gold in the darkness OK [5] Woll [6] "Kind of the best." [7] Frustration: The Ancient Factor [8] Amiost feferell Lomp, thest [9] Millimeajuemt! [10] Krend the Warlorder OK [11] Ample instruction set for who? [12] end the list [13] Fred, lame character of 80's losers [14] Forst thing came to mind [15] Pop is open to you all *OW* [[07015CO]] Catalog of Obliviana These days, when you buy a book, magazine, CD, or videotape, you get an artifact which acts as the medium for the information contained within. But as the Digital Superworld develops, more and more of the infostimulation you buy will be pure data--with no physical side, no artifact. In fact, OsoaWeek is such a formless thing--it's pure data. With this in mind, we here at Obliviana Super Occult Amusement feel that artifacts will begin to take on more meaning. And because of this, we have developed a system by which all of the Obliviana Artifacts we release have definite identity--with limited production, each item is numbered, stamped, and personally signed by its creator. The following list contains all the currently available Obliviana Artifacts. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 28 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 7 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[08015DY]] Digital Superworld Youth "Donkey Kong Country" and "Sonic & Knuckles". Two high-profile video games which are introducing the masses to an important concept in the ever-quickening emergence of the Digital Superworld. And the big idea is that of utilizing existing technology more efficiently, without the need for expensive upgrades. In the case of DKC, Nintendo has been able to create a game on par graphically with the newer and more expensive systems currently on the market, such as Jaguar, 3DO, and the upcoming 32X expansion thingy for Genesis. This is made possible through the use of extravagant production techniques, especially full 3-D rendering and animation. The idea is that the 3-D graphics, which are ultimately to be displayed on a 2-D monitor, are converted to 2-D graphics and optimized for the weaknesses of the SNES. Sega's technological advancement comes from the "Lock-On" system employed in S&K. This allows you to plug other Sonic games into S&K, which are enhanced in a variety of ways by the S&K cartridge. In both these examples, previously existing hardware is used in new ways to create products which might otherwise have been impractical or overly expensive. And the reason these things could be done is through the combination of several advancing technologies. So I guess what I'm driving at is that the fiber-optic, info highway, whatever that's being predicted is going to appear much faster, and much differently, than pundits project. Looking at what we have now, there's a fantastic telephone communications system, numerous affordable video game platforms, most people have a TV, many people have cable, and the like. When we start combining these infrastructure elements with supercomputers and new techniques, we'll have something very cool very soon. And Obliviana Super Occult Amusement will be right there in the middle of it all! *OW* [[09015SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 109 With the dawn of November I await a rainy New York City. That 1990 job, did I quit and go to Toronto for a few days? Damn right. Back to that same building, but the place I did my one and only poetry reading a few blocks away has washed away. A decade ago I was a seriously deluded high school senior. Now I'm nude in a slacker mess, Monday Night Football on over there, what the hell's up. SUPERIOR 110 Drinking stale Alka-Seltzer, garbage pail in my lap, looking for something, frozen from a night ride in my doorless Jeep. Tonight's topic--the success of the shuttle bus phenomenon. And that's like all there is. SUPERIOR 111 And was at observation highland at northpike. Hide and an irk was word, high up in her dorm, was pink and I'm electric. The standard person is waiting. Sure future is past and cannot enjoy. Your funny religion has spunk. I am gone. SUPERIOR 112 Lomp has not arrived so forth. Lemperneths scramble drunkenly here. We've crushed sleet day, light rail excluded, and rewards aquarium hazeday. *OW* [[10015DH]] Dehumidifier FOR JOEY 2--"Kill the Pompous Foreigners" SCENE ONE EXT.--PARK--DAY CHAS and TEDDY sit on the ground, relaxing. CHAS A lot of good all this fresh air does us. TEDDY Come again? CHAS I mean, all this fresh air is ruined by all the pollutants in it. TEDDY You're crazy--without those pollutants we'd be six feet under, pal. CHAS What do you mean? TEDDY I mean, how would our immune systems work? When we breath in all those chemicals our white corpuscles take the pollutants and use them to poison the viruses and diseases which invade our bloodstream.. Don't you know anything? CHAS I guess not. A brief pause. CHAS (Cont'd) But... how about people who live in New Zealand--and places like that? They don't have any pollution. Why don't they all die from diseases? Huh? TEDDY Because they don't have any factories spewing out either pollution or diseases. CHAS But I thought... TEDDY Well you were wrong. TEDDY Okay okay, enough of this. Why don't we go down to the airport. CHAS Why'd you wanna do that? We have noplace to fly to. TEDDY I know, but we can get some coffee. CHAS Can't we get coffee anywhere? TEDDY No. CHAS Why not? TEDDY It's not airport coffee. CHAS Ya got me there. Let's go! TEDDY Okay. CHAS But how do we get there? TEDDY Well, isn't there a plane to the train, or a train to the plane, or a train to the train, or something like that? CHAS I thought it was the plane to the plane. TEDDY Yeah that's it. CHAS So where do we get this plane. TEDDY At the airport. CHAS But in order to get to the airport... TEDDY We have to take the plane! A brief pause. CHAS And to get the plane... TEDDY We have to go to the airport. CHAS And on and on and on. Let's just walk. TEDDY Yeah, that sounds good. They slowly stand up. CHAS Don't forget the fancy toothpick. TEDDY Oh yeah. TEDDY takes a toothpick with frilly colored plastic at one end out of his pocket and stabs it into the ground. TEDDY (Cont'd) Y'know, I kind of wish I hadn't promised crazy old Dr. Whellobenvoosh that I'd leave a fancy toothpick wherever I sat down. CHAS Oh come on Teddy, it's the least you could do for the old kook, considering how nice he always is to us. TEDDY Yeah, I know Chas--but I can't help thinking that, if I just decided to stop putting toothpicks in the ground, he'd never know the difference. CHAS Now Teddy, a promise is a promise. TEDDY Yeah. I know. I know. They walk off. SCENE TWO EXT.--NEXT TO A HIGHWAY--DAY Chas and Teddy are walking, continue a few yards, and then stop. They both look around in confusion, seemingly lost. CHAS Jeez! Where the hell are we? TEDDY Beats me... CHAS I don't even recognize any of the buildings around here. TEDDY That weird girl must have made this whole shortcut up--as a sick practical joke or something. CHAS Let me see what she wrote. TEDDY takes a folded-up slip of paper out of his pocket, unfolds it, and looks it over. TEDDY Well I can't make head nor tail of it--here. TEDDY hands CHAS the slip of paper. CHAS Let's see... "Right at Bloakshew Ave., pass two auto part stores, go up ramp, take second right, continue for 18 blocks, bear left at intersection, thru 4 traffic light, over the bend to the right, corner and maple, Harvard vegetable, blankety-blank teak twig Barnum and Bailey measle hop, none in fellow sap, vacuum goose, intermediate stand away..." This is just total nonsense, Teddy! We've been had! TEDDY takes the slip of paper back from CHAS and glances at it. Then both of them look around for a few moments. TEDDY So where are we? CHAS (pointing in any direction) I don't know. But I say we go this way. CHAS begins to walk in the direction he pointed, TEDDY nods and follows, and as he does, he crumples up the slip of paper and tosses it away behind him. CHAS and TEDDY walk off. The slip of paper is seen to land, remain motionless for several moments, and then blow off, as if in the wind. EXT.--SHOPPING PLAZA--DAY CHAS and TEDDY walk alongside a row of shops at a shopping plaza. TEDDY Well at least we've found some civilization. CHAS Yeah--but where is this civilization located? TEDDY Close to the airport, I hope. CHAS Yeah. They continue walking, in silence, for several moments. Soon they come to a coffee shop and CHAS stops in front of it. When TEDDY sees CHAS stop, he stops also. CHAS (Cont'd) Hey look--a coffee shop! Let's get some coffee, huh? I'm exhausted from all this walking. TEDDY Yeah, but if we have shopping center coffee we'll ruin our palate for the airport coffee. CHAS Yeah yeah, let's just have some tea then, okay? TEDDY Tea? No problem. CHAS and TEDDY enter the coffee shop, but we don't follow. Instead, we look over at two people, a BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND walking alongside the shops, towards the coffee shop from the opposite direction that CHAS and TEDDY came from. The two are having a heated discussion as they approach. BOYFRIEND I know you gave her the goddam lemonade! GIRLFRIEND F*ck the f*ckin' lemonade! And f*ck you too! BOYFRIEND You go f*ck yourself you goddam whore. GIRLFRIEND You'd like that wouldn't ya? Ya f*ckin' assh*le. The couple passes the coffee shop, and the camera swings around to follow them, turning then fully around, and we see them walking away while they continue their discussion. BOYFRIEND And what the f*ck man--you drank all the goddam yogurt drink. I told you I was saving it goddamit. GIRLFRIEND For what--you wanted for it to ferment into cheese or somethin'? BOYFRIEND Yeah you're a real expert in bio-frickin-chemistry huh? Can't even spell your f*ckin' name right and you're telling me about cheese! GIRLFRIEND Go f*ck yourself. BOYFRIEND You go f*ck yourself! F*ckin' bitch! GIRLFRIEND Get away from me you c*cksucker! The GIRLFRIEND pushes her BOYFRIEND away, and at this time the camera turns towards the coffee shop again (completing a full circle) just to catch CHAS and TEDDY walking out with their paper cups of tea. They briefly look over in the direction of the arguing couple for a moment, then start walking across the parking lot of the shopping plaza. TEDDY takes the cover off his cup and put the cup to his lips. TEDDY This tea is cold. CHAS hold the cup up to his cheek. CHAS More like luke warm, I'd say. TEDDY Well, what the hell. TEDDY moves to gulp down the whole cup, starts, but as soon as he has a mouthful, he spits it all out in disgust. TEDDY (Cont'd) Bleeeaaagh! God--what do they put in the tea around here? Blagh! CHAS What's the problem? This tea seems alright to me. TEDDY (spitting) Drink some and find out. CHAS removes the cover of his cup, smells the tea, briefly, then gulps down about half the cup, coughing and cringing briefly, then drinks the rest. There is a look of alarm on his face, and he begins to get the dry heaves, and continues to cough. CHAS Aaaauuugh! Ooooowagh! Guuh! TEDDY I can't believe you drank that. CHAS Wuaagh! That's--buuuhhgh--that's nasty stuff. Ghghgh... Shew! Shew! TEDDY Congratulations Chas, you're a certified tea moron. CHAS coughs. EXT.--DILAPIDATED INDUSTRIAL AREA--DAY CHAS and TEDDY walk and then stop, surveying the industrial landscape. CHAS This is the airport? TEDDY Yeah, I guess. Doesn't look quite right, but it can't be anything else I don't think. They both wander around a little, examining their surroundings. CHAS Damnedest airport I've ever seen. TEDDY Look don't complain, huh? We're here, aren't we? CHAS Yeah--so why don't we go in and get that coffee you've been yapping about all day. CHAS and TEDDY begin to walk in the general direction of the nearest building. TEDDY Well, I haven't been yapping, but you'll see. It'll be worth it. CHAS It better be. They walk off. SCENE THREE INT.--AIRPORT CONCOURSE--DAY CHAS is sitting at a table in an open dining area. TEDDY walks up with two cups of coffee. TEDDY Well, here it is. CHAS Finally! TEDDY places the cups on the table and sits down. They proceed in silence to put non-dairy creamer and sugar into their respective coffees. TEDDY sips his coffee. TEDDY Hmmm... tastes kinda funny. CHAS sips his coffee. CHAS It's okay. TEDDY takes another sip. TEDDY But it's not bad. Y'know. It's not really bad at all. CHAS Hmmm. CHAS and TEDDY continue to drink their coffee, and as they do they look over t a nearby table where several foreigners are tasting the food they just purchased. Apparently disgusted with this food, the foreigners talk amongst themselves in an unintelligible tongue, and then haughtily call a guy over (a JANITOR) thinking he is a waiter. The foreigners complain about the food in an incredibly pompous manner. The janitor looks genuinely concerned and confused, and after he hears the complaint, he speaks. JANITOR I... I don't know what you're saying. The foreigner respond by continuing their pompous complaint. The JANITOR looks almost desperate as he looks around, and then just walks off in confusion. Back to CHAS and TEDDY now, just finishing up their coffee. CHAS You know, these--pompous--foreigners are really getting a bit annoying, wouldn't you say? TEDDY (brightly) Why don't we kill some of 'em? CHAS That's not a bad idea. C'mon--let's go! TEDDY Okay! CHAS and TEDDY get up, and start to go, but TEDDY pauses and takes a fancy toothpick out of his pocket and look down at the seat he was sitting in. TEDDY (Cont'd) Do you have a match, so y'know... CHAS looks at TEDDY incredulously. TEDDY (Cont'd) ...I can burn a hole thru the seat, and... CHAS grabs TEDDY by the arm, pulling him away and causing it to drop. CHAS Oh, come on...! Wee see the toothpick drop to the ground, remain motionless for several moments, and then blow away as if in a stray breeze. Now CHAS and TEDDY walk up to some tall plants (airport decoration) and hide behind them to watch foreigners. TEDDY (pointing) Look, there are some--over there! CHAS How can you tell? TEDDY Just listen... A group of 4 or 5 generic Middle Eastern types arranged in a rough circle, and heatedly discussion something in a gobbledygook language. As they talk, the pass small pieces of paper back and forth as well as objects. CHAS Yeah, those are foreigners all right--but are they pompous? TEDDY (intently) Hmmm... let's see... Back to the group of foreigners, continuing in their discussion. CHAS Hmm, I can't tell... TEDDY Wait! Look over there! A foreign couple, who seem vaguely French, walk along in a haughty manner. They then pass a few average Americans and make derisive comments in their Frenchy gibberish language, in an extremely pompous manner. CHAS That's them! That's our pompous foreigners! TEDDY Yeah! ....and now to kill them! CHAS But How? TEDDY How? I don't know how! I thought you knew. CHAS Great! We come all this way and we don't even know how to kill them! TEDDY (looking around confused) Well, uh, we'll have to come up with something. Com'on! Let's follow 'em before they get away! CHAS Okay! CHAS and TEDDY attempt to follow the couple, but after a half a minute or so, they've lost the foreigners. They stop and look around. CHAS Which way did they go? TEDDY I don't know--but they can't have gone far. CHAS I guess--but we still don't know how we're gonna do 'em in. TEDDY Oh willya quit worrying? Suddenly a RELIGIOUS FANATIC walks up to CHAS and TEDDY and starts his spiel. RELIGIOUS FANATIC Excuse me--I'm with an international student group and I was wondering if you'd be interesting in exercising your souls in the warm light of Reverend Glay-Earfile? The only alternative is the fiery pit. Suddenly TEDDY grabs the RELIGIOUS FANATIC by the collar, with both hands. TEDDY faces the RELIGIOUS FANATIC with a mean grimace of rage on his face. The RELIGIOUS FANATIC looks shocked and afraid. TEDDY says nothing, however. CHAS C'mon Teddy--let him go. He's just a harmless asswiper. TEDDY continues, with a look of hatred on his face, for several moments, then pushes the RELIGIOUS FANATIC away, who falls onto the ground. TEDDY (looking at RELIGIOUS FANATIC) Come on Chas, let's go--it really stinks around here. The two walk off. CHAS Those religious fanatics sure are depressing. TEDDY Yeah. They continue on, looking for the foreign couple. TEDDY (Cont'd) (stopping CHAS) Wait a second Chas--I have a great idea on how to kill them. You said how depressing those fanatics are--well we can pretend to be one of them--and then all we have to do is depress them to the point of suicide! CHAS Yeah, that's a great idea--except for one thing--how the heck is someone going to kill themselves in an airport? TEDDY That's easy! I'll pose as a rope salesman, and I'll be strategically located next to them. Then when they get suicidal they'll buy the rope from me to hang themselves--and we make out with a little extra dough, too! CHAS Excellent! Cut to CHAS and TEDDY in concourse--CHAS with queer hat and shoulder bag, and TEDDY with a sign across his chest reading "ROPE--$5 A PIECE" and holding several lengths of rope. The foreign couple, sitting down, get up and walk towards CHAS and TEDDY. As they approach, CHAS stops them. CHAS Excuse me, but I'm a national student representing the Famous Worldwide Mission, and I'd like to tell you that you face eternal nuclear damnation for the rest of eternity unless you sell all your worldly possessions and bow down and worship this man... With this CHAS produces a black-and-white "before" photo of bald Sy Sperling. The foreigners utter some pompous remarks and start to move on. Before they do, however, TEDDY catches their attention and motions towards the rope, pointing to it and nodding. The foreign couple looks indignant and moves on. CHAS and TEDDY watch them go and then sigh and shrug in resignation. CHAS (Cont'd) So much for your brilliant plan, Machiavelli Jr. TEDDY (walking up to CHAS) Oh, and you could do better, huh? CHAS Yeah--I think I could. Cut to close-up of 50-dollar bill as CHAS hands it to as sleazy looking shopkeeper, who looks around nervously and exchanges the $50 for a hunting knife. Then CHAS thanks the man, hides the knife under his shirt, and walks out of the store to join TEDDY. The two start walking and come to a secluded area of the airport. CHAS takes the knife out to show TEDDY. TEDDY What the hell did you buy? CHAS (taking out knife) She's a real beauty, huh? TEDDY What're you gonna do with that? CHAS I'm gonna walk up to those pompous foreigners and... WHAM! With this CHAS stabs the knife deep into a wooden beam or a wall or something. CHAS (nodding) Now they're playing with the big boys.... TEDDY (looking over) Let's get outta here--there's someone coming! CHAS tries to pull the knife out of the wall but it's stuck. He continues trying. TEDDY Come on! I think it's airport security. CHAS Sh*t! They walk off briskly, leaving the knife in the wall. They continue walking to another area. CHAS (motioning with his hands) Why don't we just go up and... y'know... strangle 'em? TEDDY Now now Chas, let's not be so obvious. I have a better idea... Cut to CHAS and TEDDY sitting a table, TEDDY is finishing up mixing a drink from a variety of products, like V-8, Clorox, Perrier, Yoo-hoo, Aqua Velva, etc. A KID is walking by. TEDDY (Cont'd) Psst! Hey kid! Over here! KID (coming over) Yeah? TEDDY Take this drink to those people over there and tell 'em that it's complements of Xenophobic Airlines, hey? I'll give ya ten bucks. KID Four hundred. TEDDY (handing KID $400) Oh okay you little weasel, here you go... The KID grabs the money and the glass of liquid and we see him from afar going over to and giving them the drink. The man of the couple thanks him and takes a sip, makes a facial expression of approval, and then gulps downs some more. TEDDY (Cont'd) See, I told ya--these foreigners and their gourmet tastes--they'll eat or drink anything! CHAS I have to hand it to you. You're the undisputed master of killing pompous foreigners. Now we see the foreign guy finishing the drink, and then he gets a bloody nose. The foreign woman takes out a tissue and gives it to him. Then two security guard types walk up to the couple and they point towards CHAS and TEDDY. CHAS Sh*t! Let's get outta here! CHAS and TEDDY run away, and finally come to a door, which they open and go into, even though it's dark. TEDDY Let's hide in here. Then we see a truck pull away from the building, and we hear CHAS and TEDDY yelling from inside. Cut to darkness. CHAS Well, we're in a truck, you genius. TEDDY Oh lay off--at least we gave the foreigner a bloody nose. That's almost as good as killing him. CHAS Yeah, I guess. I wonder where we're going? TEDDY We'll find out when we get there. CHAS Yeah. We see the truck driving off into the sunset. The finally it is morning and the truck stops. CHAS and TEDDY get out and look around. CHAS (Cont'd) Oh no Teddy--look--we're in Canada! Canada sucks! TEDDY Now WE'RE the pompous foreigners! *OW* [[11015SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 15: "Office Complex of Gumhanshire" A magnificent feat of engineering that, pulling ocean liners up into the middle of Derolbam City. I wonder what sort of rogue inspiration hit its originator, and how he could justify the overwhelming cost of the project to the builders. But it was built, and it was a popular thing. "I'm going down to the boat later, if you wanna come." Yester said to me and Injure. "Um, that's not a bad idea, but I gotta set some stuff up, y'know." Injure said. "And I have a meeting." I said. "But if you wanna wait till it's over, I'd be glad to go with ya. I've been meaning to go." In this skyscraper we were doing our job. I'm a Quality Scout for OA, Overwhelm Association. Based in this building is an outpost of ours. And what I do along with my navigator Injure Bodoni and secretary Yestersay Polay is go around to all these outposts and keeps tabs on what's happening, up close and personal. This involves personal interviews with all the major staffmembers, as well as accompanying teams on patrol. This was Timber Serious Earth, three Earths from the OA Greatwall Base on Cardinal Saturn Earth, and a bitch of a trip, since Bavler's Aconck Group contains the first of the three Earths. So in any case, my official meeting and interview with Il Zillionthi, head of the Derolbam Team, was scheduled for half an hour from then. Zillionthi was formerly a professor at Shirt University, whom was a good friend of Bestroystraw at Thatterine College, and when Bestroystraw discovered Aconck, he offered Zillionthi the opportunity to join The Aconck Group, which he accepted. But when Letevs Fife split from TAG, Zillionthi went with Fife. For a time, Zillionthi was involved in central administration, but he felt that he was tired of being around all the Red Alley folks, and asked to move to head a new outpost. With several available, he chose Derolbam for its metropolitan flair. Zillionthi rented a whole floor in a brand new office skyscraper, with a magnificent view of the in-city-dock. They had been set up and in operation for eight months, and this was their first Quality Scout visit. From the looks of things, I would have nothing untoward to report to Fife--they had done the place up with real class, looking like the best of modern offices. They fronted themselves as computer consultants, to cover for all the esoteric equipment. The outposts' main function is to monitor bridging into and out of their Earths, and investigate if someone doesn't leave soon after they enter. Basically, the way it works is that with the OA machinery, they can pinpoint locations of bridging, and interpolate the number of persons and nature of cargo at both beginbridge and endbridge, thus knowing which way the bridge took the crossers. Since it is possible to build a bridge just about anywhere, it is impossible to intercept all rival bridging activity. But if the crossers don't leave, it is possible to pinpoint their location and deal with them. This is something we had to deal with when crossing over the TAG er on our way here--we knew they kept an outpost there, and that we had a limited time before we'd be intercepted. This is especially hazardous when one has to travel a long distance overland to get to the desired interface locale. So the usual strategy, as in our case, is to travel on the OA Earth to an equiv point as near the border between interface territories on the rival Earth. In this way, usually a mile or less is required to get to the opposite territory and bridge out. This does make it difficult to crossover two or more rival Earths, especially if the territories are illogistically arranged. And also, one has to vary the in-out points, because if the same location is used over and over again, a surveillance team will surely set up there. Right now, there are only three groups which hold Earths in this way, the two mentioned previously and also The Unreal 64, headed by Polk Thewsike. But I reckon that the split that occurred in TAG is bound to happen again in one, two, or all of the Bridge Associations now in operation. Well, as it happened, today was a hectic one for Zillionthi, because the candidate the OA algorithm system had chosen was just back from a trip across several Earths in order to prove the legitimate nature of bridging. This was to be his first detailed briefing leading up to his final decision as to whether or not to join. Personally, I feel that these candidates must by this point in their induction be pretty intimidated, and I wonder if they believe the idea that they can refuse and go about their business without repercussion. True, the offer is pretty much too good to turn down, but any reasonable person would see that OA is a rather secretive and militaristic association, and they must wonder how it feels about outsiders knowing about its inner working. So when I went over to Zillionthi's office, he was just coming out with the candidate, Ledrant Hate, and he proposed that I should brief Hate on Aconck since I was much better traveled than he. I agreed, and he went out for an important lunch date, saying he'd be back in a few hours for the main meeting, couldn't be helped. Great. I went into his office and sat down with Hate. He was a short fellow, about five and a half feet tall, naive looking, thin, and with short blond hair. Plagued by monsters as a child, some of the monsters' aspects seemed to have rubbed off on him. The extent and nature of his abilities were not fully understood yet, but he seemed to be very jaded and tenuous on the inside, though his mild exterior wouldn't show it. He didn't seem as amazed with Aconck as some of the other new recruits I had met with in the past. "Well, I guess, well why don't I sit over here next to his desk and you can sit on that couch over there." I said. "Sure." We sat, and I took a notepad out of my briefcase and held it in my lap, pen in hand. "Well, I suppose introductions are in order. I'm Daptin Gone, um, and I'm an OA Quality Scout. Right now, I'm here in Derolbam assessing Zillionthi's operation." "I'm Ledrant Hate, and I guess you know that I'm about to be joining your group." "Yes indeed. Now I may take some notes, but they're more about your experience with the folks here rather than about you. It's my duty to really get into the working of these outposts, y'see. So don't feel nervous. I have nothing to do with your recruitment." I said. "You travel to all the different bases on the different worlds?" Hate asked. "Well, I've not been to them all, and there're more being established every few weeks. I'm one of perhaps half a dozen OA quality scouts currently operating. Our function is to keep Greatwall up to date on what's happening throughout the association." "Hmmm." "So you were just on an excursion?" I asked. "Yeah. They took me to this weird alternate world. Man, the people were pretty weird over there. I was shocked when we first arrived. I sort of thought the whole thing was a rip-off." "I think that's how a lot of people react at first. But it's all too real, I'm afraid." "Hmm. So what world are you from?" "Well, I from The Alley, Red Alley Earth, which is where this whole mess started. Most of the higher-ups in OA are from The Alley. Zillionthi was a professor at the college my sister went to before entering Aconck." "And the others here, they're from all different worlds?" "The major operatives, y'know, the Primates, are all from other worlds. I guess you've been briefed on the OA algorithmic system of selecting Primates." "Yeah, they told me something about it. They said that my experience with the monsters was what got me here." "That's a part of it I'm sure. But the exact nature of the criteria used are known only to our fearless leader Letevs Fife and a few of his close associates. They're looking for people with a wide variety of qualities, not the least of which is combat potential, to be perfectly honest with you." "Yeah, they kind of alluded to that. Is that why they chose you?" "Naw. I'm not a real natural warrior. And I'm not a Primate. Basically, I was publishing a magazine that Fife and some others liked, uh... It was called 'Stuporconductor', and when it went out of business they contacted me and offered me a job. I had known a few of the OA members vaguely while in college. I went to the same college where Aconck was discovered fourteen years ago by Bavler Bestroystraw." "How long have you been in the OA?" "Well, going on three years now. But as they say, time flies when you're having fun." "Yeah. But I tell you, I'm still leery at this whole thing. I mean, I'm convinced that there's some heavy paranormal stuff going on here, but how can I be sure that Zillionthi's, and your, explanation of things is real? I mean, I'm not calling you a liar or anything, but how are you sure, for example, that all this is true?" "Well, I can understand your apprehension." I said, playing with a little mobile thing on Zillionthi's desk. "And all I can tell you is that from what I've seen, the nature of Aconck is as it's been described to you. If you're asking me whether or not higher powers are involved, and who you might be pledging allegiance to, I don't know. But to me, it all seems to be on the level. But I hope Zillionthi is being honest and telling you of the pretty hot cold war we have going with Bavler's Aconck Group and Polk Thewsike's Unreal 64. I mean, as we've been colonizing Earths, if you will, the conflicts have really been heating up, and a lot of the time it does manifest in close-quarter combat. So I mean, I don't even know if I should be telling you this, but you will most likely be involved in combat at some point." "Well, I haven't really been fully briefed yet, but Il Zillionthi did allude to an ongoing conflict, and stressed that OA was the only of the three groups with the good of Aconck as their major goal." "Ledrant, y'know I think that's not entirely accurate. The U-64 is definitely out of control and not very concerned about the stability of Aconck, but TAG is more stable and neutral than OA by anyone's accounting. And this is not a secret, I mean, Fife encourages total honesty in Overwhelm Associates. But I don't want to put words into Zillionthi's mouth, nor brand him a zealot. All I'm saying is that all three groups are trying to attain supremacy, and that the conflict is going nowhere but hotter and hotter." "Well Mr. Gone, I'm not all that concerned about combat. I mean, I'm up for it and all, it's just that I'm not sure what sort of combat it is. Is it guns and shields, swords and oil, psychic conflict, what?" "Well, basically combat occurs when a group bridges into a rival Earth and is met by rival forces. So it's mostly two small groups fighting, using a wide variety of weapons and techniques. Not much psychic stuff, but some. But in this regard, in combat, we're quickly becoming the clear superiors, as our combatants have such a wide range of attacks and defenses. You, for example. I hear you have a lot of tricks up your sleeve." "Yeah. I guess. It's weird, 'cause I've been living in isolation for a long time now, trying to cope with myself, to resolve things within myself. But now it seems that I've spent all this time resolving something which is now just being spun out of whack again. I mean, all of my peculiarities, and identification with monsters, now seems to be eminently utile. So I feel sort of numb in that." "Well, even though there are always drawbacks, I think that OA is a great opportunity for you. I mean, no matter how much relativism you employ, this sort of existence just blows the conventional away. But leave all idealism at the door, since in Aconck the ugly side of humanity comes into all the sharper of focus. But hey, who knows what direction Aconck will take? I mean, the major watermark is that Aconck doesn't impact the average dweller on any Earth yet. We're still operating undercover all over. And I hope this continues, but I'm not so sure. And the split in TAG which resulted in OA and U-64 may well occur again in any or all of the three, meaning more and more Bridge Groups, meaning more of an opportunity for extremism." "Hmmm. Well, it sounds like the place for me, since I'm just full of conflict and contradiction myself." "Well, what have ya got to lose?" I said. "You're free to leave whenever you want." "Will I be taught how to bridge?" "Um, well that depends on how Greatwall assesses your abilities and aptitudes. To tell you the truth, they've been promising to teach me for a long time, but I'm so busy all the time it just sort of never seems to happen. Injure... That is, my navigator Injure Bodoni tries to explain what he's doing, but without a few months of immersion in Bestroystrawn Theory, not much of it makes sense. But I'm not complaining. I mean, I understand the upshot of it all, but the actual practice of bridging involves a lot of substantive illogic-lasso and reality-address tunings. But everyone in OA is welcome to learn how to bridge." "Hmm." Hate said. "So I guess I should start briefing you in earnest. So let's see. Where should I begin. I guess I'll go back to the birth of Aconck." "Now, Aconck is..." "Aconck is the interconnected set of Earths accessible by bridges and centered on Red Alley Earth, or The Alley. That's where as I said about 14 years ago a professor at The Dark of College by the name of Bavler Bestroystraw discovered the practice of bridging after spending much of his life researching centuries-old obscuria. It seems that bridging was in practice many centuries ago, but all records of it suddenly stopped about 450 years ago. And the thing is, according to Bavler himself, the Aconck Earths beside the Alley have no such history of bridging in their past, leading him to conclude that the basic bridging formula he developed was of a different frequency than the Sweptim one, Sweptim being that previous Earth interconnection." "But now Bavler is our enemy?" "Well, not so much enemy, but definitely a rival. I mean, his efforts to claim Earths and ours often come into conflict. I can't say that I have anything personally against the guy. I never really met him, but I had seen him on the campus from time to time, and he was often referred to in my classes on the Mysterious." "So y'know, can you sort of tell me, give me a rough idea, of just how the hell this bridging thing works?" "Well, as I said I'm no expert in the field, but basically, I can tell you this--in essence, a bridge is an area of space which one moves through, and upon exiting that space, one has basically a 50/50 chance of winding up on the opposite Earth to that terrain." "Huh?" "See, a bridger confuses an area of space into not being sure as to where it is, either where it really is or in the equivalent space on the opposite Earth. Because of this, when one is inside the space, it is unclear as to what Earth it is on the outside. So upon exiting, one or the other Earth becomes the one you're on. So if you don't transfer the first time, you can keep passing through the confused space until you get over." "What do you mean by opposite Earths? Are they like negative versions of each other?" "No. The terms is used the same as one might refer to opposite sides of a riverbank. There is nothing diametric in the comparisons between opposite Earths." "And every Earth has one opposite?" "Well no. If that were the case, then Aconck would be made up of only two Earths. The way it works is, that irregularly shaped areas of the surface of each Earth have different opposite Earths. So for example, when we bridge here in Derolbam, and in the surrounding areas, we'll always get to Tether With Earth. But, according to Zillionthi's charts, if we go over to Marwock, for example, and bridged, we'd wind up on a whole nother Earth. So in this way, there's a complex webs of worlds, of which many are still to be discovered, since there are many hard to get to places on every Earth. And also, sometimes there's more than one way to get to one Earth, in some cases approaches are to be found on several different Earths." "How similar are all these worlds?" "Well, the weird thing is, y'know, I assumed that since all the worlds are so similar, that they all had a common past and each represented a certain branching of events. But as we've discovered, that's not really the case. For example, we've found certain rock bands, for example, occurring identically across various Earths, with identical or nearly identical discographies, but upon further investigation, it was found that their pasts leading up to their formation was often totally different. So it seems that the similarities are current-level, with pasts branching out, backwards." "That's pretty deep. I don't really understand it all yet. I mean, like, how do you just go up to space and confuse it? I mean, what the hell?" "Well Ledrant, as I told you, I'm not entirely sure myself, but it does have to do with addressing reality in a certain way and employing certain tricks of illogical to create a local short circuit in a portion of reality, manifest in a three-dimensional area of space. But as to exactly how it works, I don't know. The terminology is this jargon that's meaningless unless you've studies Bestroystrawn theory extensively. You can ask Injure yourself, and he'll explain it all to you, but you'll wind up more confused than ever, as English is not really tailored to describe this sort of over-the-edge stuff." "English?" "Yeah--this language--English." "I never heard that word before, English." "Well, mostly in Aconck English is called English, but I guess here on Timber you call it something else." "Well, this language is Apertalk as far as I'm concerned. But we're speaking the same words, so I guess the point is moot." "Yeah. But as I said, though things may be identical across Earths, such as this language, their histories, like the roots of words, for example, are likely very different." "Doesn't that suggest a time-specific element? I mean, if these things are current-level, then have the worlds been coexisting and things been coagulating towards the same end results, or are the Earths made, the opposite Earths, are they made at the moment of the first bridge?" "Well, that point has been hotly debated, but the latter seems to be, in general, the consensus view." "Hmm." "But beyond all that, you can't believe the sort of lifestyle you can have here. Like I said, it's not relative--Aconck is massively more interesting, enjoyable, and stimulating that any single Earth. I mean, the rush of entering a new Earth, being both alien and familiar--it's like awesome." "Yeah." Hate said. "I could see that. I just hope my decision doesn't blow up in my face." * * * Forty-eight devils surrounded Sleap Drassy, forming the dread unknowable curse, a force beyond all reckoning. Sleap was bored. There was work to be done. "Don't feel bad." she said. "I've done a lot of Hells, and your powers are pretty impressive. You should be proud of yourselves." Suddenly, 18 satans hovered in a chaos-drive above Sleap, attempting to cut away her identity from 804 levels of existence deep. She felt it, but barely. This got her mad. "You fellows are quite talented, but this isn't a contest, it's a slaughter. Now be good little farm animals and LEARN!" With this, Sleap swung her left arm upward. Immediately, the beyond-grotesque wails of the suffering infernals filled the stale air. The devils were writhing in unbelievable pain on the ground, soon followed by a rain of falling satans. "Just come here!" Sleap said, annoyed. After a few moments, a lord appeared a few yards in front of Sleap--a huge, stately, antlered beast--the number one guy--Lord Ac. He just looked calmly at Sleap, smoke and little black balls pouring from his several sets of nostrils, a dull gray flame pulsating around his form. "Hi guy." Sleap said. Ac raised his huge arms, then folded them across his chest. "I assume you want my cooperation." "It would be nice. Taking your Hell apart and packing it up would be a lot quicker with the help of your sad minions." Ac stared at Sleap, then blew a huge blast of smoke and balls. "You're so sure of yourself. So vastly more powerful than I. Proud Looter. Already planning to take our Heaven too, I assume." "I don't do heavens. Too much whining." Ac stood still and silent. Sleap rolled her eyes. "Okay look!" she said, impatiently. "If you help, you're free. If not, you'll be sold into slavery like the rest. And I hope a lord of your stature knows enough about us Looters that we keep our promises." "Oh yes." Ac said, a smile starting to form on his massive, crooked mouth. "I know about you. So cool--to prey on the predators. Put us in our place." Sleap frowned. "If the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'I accept', you're history. Though you'd fetch a high price, I'll obliterate you right here and now." "I..." Ac said, his smile widening. "Come on big boy. You can do it. And think, once you're free you can start building again--who knows--you could have a few good millennia before another Looter comes this way." "...will f*ck you into ground meat and keep you alive like that for a hundred years--after that, I'LL JUST BE GETTING STARTED." "Like, wrong answer." Sleap said, making a fist, and fully expecting Ac to be a smoldering smear of protoplasm. It didn't happen. "Hahaha--prey on the predator--so cool. I know how it feels to be so much bigger, and now so much smaller, compared to the glory of you. Maybe you might feel small sometime. Maybe that sometime is..." Sleap's expression turned worried, as the hot Hell all around her and Ac silently shattered away, replaced by a featureless white void. "You are now the prey, Looter. When you chose my Hell to ravage you chose the wrong Hell. For I am in contact with the Infernal Voc-4-Iopa-9den." "Huh?" "You, my friend, will be a fine addition to the Infernal Voc-4-Iopa-9den's Looter Zoo. And here the one is." Sleap got a sinking feeling. She had long had suspicions of entities more powerful than her kind, but she never expected to encounter one. Now... Voc-4-Iopa-9den came into view--all around Sleap, as she floated in the white void, coming from at least 14 dimensions at once. At first Sleap was absolutely dizzied and zonked by the sight, but soon, a familiar feeling came to her. She was unimpressed. She yawned. And yet again, she became aware of more and more of herself. She had plans for this Voc-4-Iopa-9den, and the ultimate prize was at hand. But she had to act normal--act like a Looter facing the impossibility if a massively more powerful thing. So she expressed her force, emanating energies which could easily have annihilated the grandest of gods, rising ever more, beyond the point any of her kind would ever have dared, for fear of erasing all of everything. But still she was getting nowhere. Voc-4-Iopa-9den was coagulating into something vaguely understandable, but to Sleap, the hyper-ultra-inconceivable thing before her was laughable. Ac spoke. "Perceive the impossible, Looter." Voc-4-Iopa-9den, definitely more violet than not, somewhat tall and vertical, maybe an arm, maybe a face somewhere, communicated. "Precious little Looter, you made the bad choice in Ac's Hell you see." "I've lived by the sword, so now I'll die by the sword. Fair is fair." "Spoken like a true Looter. Like all the others in my Looter zoo. Kmy-7zy-holp3a has a place for you." Sleap felt energies moving her way, tearing her apart across innumerable axes, transporting her in unlikely ways. It kind of tickled. Suddenly, she was in a cage in a strangely-lit void. She could maybe see some more cages in the distance. "Your friend Ac has been rewarded." Sleap heard Voc-4-Iopa-9den say, though it wasn't visible. "You, little Sleap, are quite a prize. The four quintillionth Looter in Zoo. Now I can sell Zoo and get that which I desire." "Whatever." Sleap said. She was slowly getting some idea of what this was all about. She was after something. Voc-4-Iopa-9den would trade her, along with the other 3,999,999,999,999,999,999 Looters, so some other entity, and it was there that she would find what she desired. What a plan, what a f*cking plan. It was just dawning on her how much time she'd spent planning this. "Trade-ingo." Voc-4-Iopa-9den said, coming into view briefly. What followed was a timeless period of hemi-reality, followed by several ages of confusion and anti-nothingness. Finally, there was some semblance of graspable reality, and Sleap found she was still in the cage, but with nothing visible outside. No blackness, no whiteness, nothing. Her eyes were open, but absolutely nothing could be seen beyond her cage. She made the heact and rose into her fullness. Resplendent to be full again. And here, in this place. Plan, yeah it was about 900,000 years in the making, so what. She was herself and here in this place, where a Zoo of 4 quintillion Looters was a minor artifact. And out of the 222 octillion artifacts here, but one interested her. She grasped it. The other thing here screamed in a way only such a thing could. She communicated with it as best she could. To her now, it was as a barking dog, this entity so high a Looterkin could never imagine. She held it at bay without as much as a thought. And she took it. She had it. Finally. After so long. She had it. Everything was so clear, of course, everything was laid out before her. But she understood. Oh yes--she understood. And she was happy. And she returned to Earth. Back in her apartment, Sleap briefly regarded the putrid remains of Jean Jankels, and then snapped her fingers, going back in time a few years. And she strode triumphantly into the living room, setting her prize on a little table. She picked up the phone and dialed it. It rang a few times. "Hello?" Tavmatey Numblem said from the other end of the line. "Hi." answered Sleap. "I have the coffee." * * * Ledrant Hate and Prince Ferrajalt stood motionless outside the Noyage Parlour, surveying the unbelievable scene. "This is big." Ferrajalt said. "Yeah. So Injure was right after all. God damn." Hate said, taking a drag on his cigarette. It was the streetlights that really got them. That, and the strange sort of cold. And of course, the lack of people. But the streetlights, they were a real pisser. Huge. Too huge. Fifty stories high they looked, some of them, casting their cold light on the cold scene. "So is this it?" Ferrajalt wondered. "Are we screwed? Is this the end of everything?" "I don't know. I wish we could get a hold of Injure. Why don't you try the payphone again?" "I told you man, I don't like the sh*t I'm hearing on the phone. Weird sh*t, it doesn't make any sense." "Theoretically Prince," Hate began, taking another long drag of his cigarette and looking up the abandoned street, "we could be stuck on this crashed Earth for the rest of eternity. Who knows if death even works anymore? The collapse of all reality--and Injure saw it coming." "Yeah--and what the hell was he saying this morning--we all thought he was nuts--about how that guy Daptin Gone was involved in it, like it was his fault or something?" "I have no idea. You know I met Daptin Gone on the day I was recruited. He gave Zillionthi a pretty good scouting report, unlike three months ago. He seems like a good person." "Yeah." But you know, Injure was right about this happening, so who knows what the hell else he was right about." Suddenly, the payphone rang. A chill ran up Ferrajalt's spine. He looked at Hate. "Hey man, why don't you get that?" "Why--scared?" "F*ck yeah I'm scared--you didn't hear that sh*t like I did." "Fine." Hate said, walking over to the phone, deliberately calm, and answering it. "Hate here." The voice was that of a feisty old woman. "Hey sonny, get your life in order, get rid of that Office Complex of Gumhanshire. Operator 6, 114-Demise." With that, the line went silent, save for a distant buzzing. Hate looked at the handset with a puzzled look, then hung it up. "What was it?" Ferrajalt asked. Hate turned around. "It was some woman. She said I should get my life in order and get rid of Office Complex at Gumhanshire. Then she said something about an operator." "Huh?" "Exactly. Is that the sort of stuff you heard?" "No." Then the two were startled by voices they heard from within the Noyage Parlour, approaching the door. "People!" the Prince exclaimed. "Let's hope so." *OW* [[12015CN]] Contents BEGIN 01 015 CV--Cover 02 015 HR--Hemisinister Review 03 015 ZP--Zope 04 015 HT--Halfevil Times 05 015 LA--Lord of Obliviana 06 015 NH--Nihilistica 07 015 CO--Catalog of Obliviana 08 015 DY--Digital Superworld Youth 09 015 SU--Superior 10 015 DH--Dehumidifier 11 015 SR--Severe Repair 12 015 CN--Contents END *OW* [[END015OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |