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|| -------- -- ----- A E R I E O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 025--1/12/95 <------- || OsoaWeek || Issues || Book 2 || -------> (Cup OWis025, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN025OW]] [[01025CV]] * * * O S O A W E E K 0 2 5 * * * January 12, 1995 "The weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement!" by Frank Edward Nora INSIDE THIS ISSUE! The Joy of 1995--OsoaWeek! "Star Trek Voyager"--Excellent! Keanu Reeves is a bad actor. Eddie Vedder is a good actor. The idea of stacking up 463 Taco Bells to reach Heaven. 22222 Miles E-Mail from Sweden! The Scotland Claymores Sloone, was combat, was grape amber strawman. A Rather Interesting Tale Guggon the Great Airworm Patrol Swarm Dog and Rabbit Nevrippa Den Calling Hey you! Yeah you! Download this, pal! Yeah, go on! (Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim, digital ASCII copies of this copyrighted ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction require written permission from Frank Edward Nora.) OsoaWeek is published weekly by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement * copyright 1995 Frank Edward Nora * originating in New Jersey, USA * Contact: 1-800 OBLIVIANA/obliviana@aol.com/postal: Osoa P.O. Box 60 Iselin, NJ 08830-0060 Character count: 53844 / Line count: 1489 Catalog of Obliviana & The Table of Contents are at the very end of this file. *OW* [[02025HR]] Hemisinister Review ***TV*** STAR TREK VOYAGER * 2-HOUR PREMIERE The big question about this show was whether or not a female captain would fly--and I have to say that Kate Mulgrew as Captain Kathryn Janeway is superb and quite acceptable. The rest of the cast features a wide array of fascinating characters, and the plot of the premiere episode is vintage Star Trek. This was a major television event, as it launched the fifth network, UPN (United Paramount Network). It has some cool logo graphics, but the other shows hyped look pretty lame. But "Voyager" is a real winner. (At the beginning, they were at Deep Space Nine, but quickly departed--I think a universe of Trekkies breathed a collective sigh of relief that they've finally escaped that stuffy, boring outpost.) ***MOVIES*** SPEED This movie has some great elements, but it doesn't come together as a great film. Keanu Reeves is unconvincing as a cop, and Sandra Bullock is far too undeveloped a character. There is too much "Die Hard" cartoon-like action, with nothing to back it up; I found it hard to buy a lot of what was happening. It looks like the script was rewritten hundreds of times. Dennis Hopper is kind of a pathetic villain--one with little character, and questionable motivation. All in all, "Speed" tries to be "Die Hard" on wheels, but doesn't even come close. SINGLES Okay, so this is another of those "Generation X" movies, I guess, but it pales in comparison to the excellent "Reality Bites". This film is rather boring, with a lot of unlikable characters and not much going on. There's the thing where the characters are talking to the camera which is done alright, but seem a little lame. The best part of this dull movie is Eddie Vedder--he plays the part of the drummer in Matt Dillon's band. Otherwise, there's not much to it. *OW* [[03025ZP]] Zope Today's Episode: ZOPE'S MYSTERIOUS RELIGIOUS IDEA ZOPE Ah yes! Just a few more and we'll be there! WEASEL (huffing and puffing) Zope--tell me again where you got this idea of stacking up 463 Taco Bells to reach Heaven? We've only done 14 and already I'm pooped--and not only that--it may be illegal! ZOPE Nonsense! It's for a higher purpose. And with only 449 left, it's a cinch! WEASEL Okay, but it's tiring work. And the people in the Taco Bells get mad! ZOPE Unbelievers. They had no business being in such a divine tool as a Taco Bell in the first place. Now--according to this map there's a Taco Bell 74 miles southeast of here. Be a good chap and go get it for me, will you Weasel? WEASEL *Sigh*. Okay Zope. But please--just tell me one more time how you know this is going to work. ZOPE Yes, my brother. Yes. I can see your waning faith. So I shall tell you. You see, there's an evil televangelist on channel 40, Reverend Ormond Cleer, and he is of Satan, and he is always preaching false wisdom in regards of ways to go to Heaven. But me, being such a clever guy, I kept track of all his lies and all his false ways--and when you look at all the data, the only way he DIDN'T give was stacking 463 Taco Bells up. See? WEASEL Uh... ZOPE Yes. So this is the way. Now be off! You have the Lord's work! WEASEL Oh... alright. But you know Zope, at this rate, it's gonna take forever! ZOPE Hush now, little one, and go get me that Taco Bell. *OW* [[04025HT]] Halfevil Times ***HALFEVIL TIMES PERCEPTIONS & PONDERINGS*** EVER WONDER... ...why people find it necessary to always deface the eyes of people on posters? ...why the title of a movie is almost always different from the poster in the movie itself? ...why cough drops act like they're real medicine or something and put all sorts of warnings and dosage information on the back of the package? EVER NOTICE... ...that in a traffic jam, if everyone sped up at once, the traffic jam would be over and no one would get hurt? ...that the "dead zone" between when a film leaves theatrical release to when it's available on video keeps getting shorter and shorter? ...that salesmen aren't human? *OW* [[05025LA]] Lord of Obliviana January 10, 1995. Where the heck am I? Yesterday, I was about as sick as I've ever been. Some sort of stomach flu--very painful and debilitating. The night before that, my Jeep got to 22222 miles, at 12:09 am. So I'm even now recovering. I had rented "Speed" from Blockbuster, but was in no shape to return in last night. So I returned it today and paid a fine. I hear Blockbuster makes a lot of their profit from late fees. So yeah--I went to work, and I was so sick I just had to leave and come home. It was horrible, feeling so sick and having such a long journey home. I slept for almost 24 hours straight, getting up every few hours. I still don't feel 100%, but I'm much better than before. I'm still weak, though. I thought I was gonna go into work today, but I just didn't feel like I'd be able to. Even now, I feel like I need to go back to bed. I really hope to go to work tomorrow. This isn't a very good way to start my full-time job! Yeah, I think I really ought to go to sleep now. Ah, I guess I'm not really all that tired. Anyway, I wanted to tell you, that the reason I rented "Speed" was the dream I had (detailed last issue) which featured several buses in strange circumstances. See my review above. Now you know, somehow I can't get e-mail from my home country, but wouldn't you know it--I can get e-mail from Sweden! Hi Frank! I've just had a moment to read your e-zine. I liked the ad about miniature whales, I think I'd like a blue one as a partner to my parrot. Don't know if I will have to learn the bird to live in water or if it is easier to make the fish sit on the parrots branch. I'll discuss it with the bird. Enjoyed the story about CHAS and... and.... his friend. (Darn, forgot his name) They reminded me of two students we used to have at school.... I have no idea where they wen't after school, hope they are "pompous foreigners" somewhere. Later --Torb (((Ah Torb my Scandinavian friend, it looks like you downloaded OsoaWeek015 via the Internet--excellent! Now first of all, contrary to popular belief, a whale is a mammal, not a fish or a reptile, and yes--a miniature blue one would be able to perch on a branch for a period of time before needing to return to water. Chas MacNeil's friend is "Teddy Lester". And yes, I too hope your school buddies have become "pompous foreigners"--all the more for Chas and Teddy to kill. (By the way, even though you are foreign, you aren't at all pompous, so don't worry.) Thank you so much for proving that OsoaWeek is on the Internet, and providing me with e-mail from a semi-obscure country--that always opens peoples' eyes! So keep on downloading OsoaWeek and I look forward to more awesome E-MAIL FROM SWEDEN!))) Well, there you go. And what can I say? Another fantastic issue of OsoaWeek. Aren't you glad you're in on all this free entertainment? You know you are dude! GET ALL OBLIVIANA! *OW* [[06025NH]] Nihilistica ***WORLD LEAGUE FOOTBALL TO RETURN?*** I always love all these weird leagues and teams--y'know--the USFL, the World League, etc. Well, I was just watching the halftime report of the Dallas/San Francisco game, when I think Doug Williams (former Washington quarterback) had a "Scotland Claymores" hat on, and he said he was gonna go over and help out with the new World League. It was a really cool sword kind of logo in blue and silver. I tell ya--I sure hope the World League comes back--my Frankfurt Galaxy hat got all shrunken and destroyed in a car accident! Maybe I can get another one! *OW* [[07025SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 149 Sloone, was combat, was grape amber strawman. Leedence, was tiger duckling, was shooting star weaver. Zaikas, was falling patient man, was nothing. You Fouyde? Banishment! SUPERIOR 150 The lending of an ice cream sandwich had my psychedelia for 10 minutes in May, Judy, and was a corroborating God lover in Seychelles. Brandy, fast food is ambrosia and you are a good f*ck. Leonard, why shouldn't I kill you? This room--kill this room--I am grand noble high--I kill everything, kitten. SUPERIOR 151 Grin or die. That's not a message we want to f*ck them with yet. Brutal? You want brutal you open your mouth once more. God, we are so wasted. Don't f*ck with me. Sally tells me you're getting married. How great. Carlo, remove this demonic entity from under my desk. SUPERIOR 152 People? I was one, here in the wood, we had Ahalhia. People. Derive cursive floralities to snow Dallas, winter window, the desperate journey of four confused teens, and the little baby antelope who binds them all together. Helf, and I'm back in the stupid studio with the miserable snobs. *OW* [[08025DH]] Dehumidifier This week in Dehumidifier, I present a story beginning which I must have written sometime in the early to mid 1980s, but never continued. I'm pretty sure I was in high school when I did it. I hope you find it "rather interesting"! Ha haha! ***A RATHER INTERESTING TALE*** Early one morning Dave was shocked. Why, he did not know. He only knew that he was shocked. The strange part was that there was really nothing at all wrong. Except, of course, that there was a rather large glowing gargoyle on his windowsill. That, in itself, was not so odd. The strange part was that this gargoyle spoke. Well it tried, anyway. It didn't exactly have well-developed vocal chords. But what he said, in a voice like scratching a chalkboard, was what shocked Dave, even though he didn't know why he was shocked. What the gargoyle said was this: "Guess what's on T.V. tonight?" After a few moments, which seemed like eons, Dave asked "What?". The gargoyle contorted its face, making it appear even more incredibly ugly than it already was, and it said, in the same piercing voice "I said... guess." Dave got a chill and began to think. After a long time, which seemed like just a moment, Dave said "Uh... um... well, what is T.V.?" The gargoyle's eyes became red, and its gaze shot through Dave. Then the beast screamed so loudly that Dave was deafened for several minutes afterward. Then it flew off. Dave was curious, however, so he strapped on his wings and flew out of his window, following the gargoyle. The cold morning air swept against his face. He had already accelerated to almost the speed of sound, but the gargoyle was nowhere in sight. "This guy's fast, even for a gargoyle." Dave thought as he crossed the sound barrier. A sound like thunder echoed across the Hellvarth Land. Soon, as Dave approached mach 2, he caught a glimpse of the gargoyle. But he lost it again as a huge hand shot up out of the ground. It was at least 3 miles high. Dave tried to avoid it, but couldn't maneuver in time. He shot through the palm of the hand easily, however, due to his speed. An earthquake shook the land, which must have been the result of the owner of the hand yelling in pain. Dave heard nothing, though. "What a time for Guggon the Great to wake up!" Dave thought as he changed his course towards the underground empire of Harvey Rattt. As he flew, he wondered what T.V. could stand for. "Total Ventilation? Time Vortex? Tire Viper?" he thought uselessly. He continued, but predictably something happened on the way to Rattt's — on the horizon he saw an Airworm Patrol Swarm (APS). "Oh bit!" he muttered as he pulled his rip cord. Instantly, his form changed from humanoid to dragonoid. In this form he could better handle the sinister APS. He flew directly into the wormcloud and began to try to convince the worms that there was more to life than flying around and eating unsuspecting airtravellers. At first, they weren't sure, but soon they were convinced, and flew off to find a better life as volcano cleaners. Dave then clapped his clawed hands together 17 times and became normal once again. Dave's wings glittered in the double sunlight as he flew halfway across a world. Soon he had arrived at Rattt's. He slowed down as he approached the neon sign which said "HARVEY RATTT'S UNDERGROUND EMPIRE". Some of the letters were out, though, so it seemed to read "HA E RAT GROUND M IRE". Nevertheless, Dave landed and approached the door. A sign on the door read "Ring Bell, and Die." "Very funny, Rattt." Dave muttered as he pressed the button. He wished he hadn't, though, as a thousand lasers sprung to life and seared the ground dangerously close to his feet before they suddenly shut off. "Who's there?" asked Rattt's familiar voice over an intercom. "Me... uh... Dave." Dave said. "Oh well, get outta here! Can't you see I'm busy?" "Alright, but I just thought you should know you'd like to know that Guggon the Great has just, uh... woken up." "Oh... what?" Sounds of something large smashing into the ground came to Dave's still-recovering-from-the-gargoyle-scream ears. "Ok, come in, Dave." Rattt continued. The door swung open and Dave stepped inside the tunnel. He was immediately confronted by Rattt's seemingly impossibly confusing mazes. "uh... I don't know where to go." Dave said. "Oh that's easy." Rattt's voice said. "Haha! Just follow the blue slime trail!" Dave found the trail, with some difficulty, and began following it. "uh... Rattt... what's 'T.V.'?" Dave asked. "What?" Rattt shrieked. Before Dave could answer, metal walls slid down in front of and in back of him. "Where did you hear about T.V.?" Rattt demanded suspiciously. "A g... g... gargoyle told me!" Dave said, surprised. "Well Dave, just what exactly did it say?" "Um... he said 'Guess what's on T.V. tonight.'" "Oh I see... This could be more serious than thought." "More... more serious than Guggon?" "I don't know." said Rattt as the walls slid upwards. Dave then continued to follow the slime trial until it led him to an almost impossibly dirty room. At one end of the room there something barely discernible as a door. "Wait." Rattt's voice then said impassively. "Okay." Dave didn't particularly want to stay in this room. The dirt hung in the air and seemed to stain his clothes even as he stood there. Then there was a sudden movement in one corner of the room, which ceased as Dave looked over. What he saw amazed him — there was a small patch of cleanliness on the wall. He started to walk towards it to examine it, but Rattt's voice then boom out. "Okay dammit — come in, willya?" Rattt said. Dave walked over to the door and hesitated. "uh... where's the doorknob?" he asked Rattt. After a few moments of silence, Rattt said "What the ruzgo d'ya mean where's the doorknob? Are ya some sorta idiot or something? Wait a second..." Then came sounds of heavy machinery falling and breaking, and then the door opened. There stood Harvey Rattt. It was hard to tell just what Harvey was. At first glance, he seemed to be a sort of short human / rodent / scum combination, but Dave knew that much more than that, as well as a whole lot less. "Come in." Rattt said. As Dave entered through the doorway, he was surprised by what he saw, even though he'd been in this place before. It was just so incomprehensivley... incomprehensible. Basically, it was like a huge cavern, and there was a mountain of trash and broken machinery in the middle of it. Bridges extended from the innards of this mountain to the cavern walls, and misshapen creatures limped about everywhere. At the very top of the trash heap, Dave could just barely discern Harvey Rattt's office. "Come on. We've got things to talk about." said Rattt. Rattt then snapped his fingers and there was what appeared to be a landslide on the mountain, revealing a stairway. They began to climb up. "Mind if I fly?" Dave asked. Before Rattt could answer, a huge glass something crashed and shattered onto the cavern floor, causing an immense racket. As soon as the echoes subsided, Rattt said "Sure, go ahead! Just leave me here walking all the way up..." Dave looked up the dizzying staircase and said "Oh, it's not that far. I guess I can walk it." But Rattt had apparently disappeared. "Rattt?" called Dave, but his only answer was the tortured groan of a gigantic elephantine creature dragging a building through the debris of the vast floor below. So Dave took off and flew up towards the top of the heap, landing a few seconds later outside Rattt's office, only to find Harvey right there, with a weird smile on his sinister little face. "Time to go!" Harvey said as he pulled a lever extending from a crumpled metal form to his left. All was suddenly dark. ***BONUS! MORE DEHUMIDIFIER!*** Yes siree, I'm a bit short for this issue, so I frantically searched my "Work in Progress" folder for something to jam in here and bump this issue up to 50K+. And you know what, I actually found something good! What we have here is a failure to communicate (to quote a quote), see, this is the original copy for the flyer for Anything But Monday Magazine, Vol. 3, No. 1. What follows is what I gave to one of the brilliant alcoholics we managed to get tangled up with. Reading it over, I see that it's not all that bad. But once you see what became of it, once you see how mangled and destroyed it got, you'll get an idea of what we were going through back then. So that's the deal. The original today, and the f*cked-up version next week. Eh? Okay? So here it is. ***IF LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE, THEN ANYTHING BUT MONDAY IS UNDOUBTEDLY A WONDER DRUG.*** HUH? In this world where your worst nightmares are a relief compared to the nightly news, and where you're bored to tears by all the bland and unimaginative crap that passes for entertainment, you really need a break. So isn't it about time that you got your hands on something honestly amusing, something to lighten your spirits, to make you laugh, something substantial and straightforward? If so, then you're looking for a magazine like "Anything But Monday". Anything But Monday "The Laugh Magazine" is a humor periodical with a fresh new approach. Our philosophy is to focus on the things that make people laugh. It's that simple. Laughter is good for you, and it's becoming more and more popular. Just take a look at the hot new generation of comedians. You'll get to know the talented young comics struggling to make a name for themselves. You'll have a guide to who's appearing where, and when. You'll even get pointers from professional comedians on how you yourself can be funny. But that's only the tip of the iceberg... It's history in the making with Anything But Monday, and you can be part of it. Read on to find out more. WITHIN. The insides of Anything But Monday are chock full of good stuff. Articles which are entertaining, informative - and fun! Reviews of comedy films, videos, albums, books, etc. Visits to comedy clubs. Person-In-The- Street Opinions. The Mirthful Aspects of Professions with Bad Public Images. Horror in Travel. Full Contact Philosophy. But there's more, like plenty of humor features, in which you might: * Wonder who would win if Chewbacca and C. Everett Coop fought Andy Capp and Marie Osmond in a fair fight. * Have some fun with your internal organs. * Read some very quick and direct biographies (ie, Arthur Miller: Wrote a play about a salesman, got to screw Marilyn Monroe). * Chuckle at some funny observations of life ("Ever wonder what tall women see in short men?") Read the help wanted Klassifieds (with jobs like "catastrophist", "sphere connoisseur", "phone moron", "bladdersmith", etc.). * See illustrated depictions of the most useless things in the world. * Have any question answered by the amazing Cranklin: World Authority. * Be forced to buy silly little objects. And as if that isn't quite enough, we'll throw in our curiously pleasing Farcical Graphic Sequences such as... The capricious and condescending "Corporate Cocks". Bizarre childhood with "Naxta and Plak". The Santa Claus myth gone haywire in "Reindeer Games". Two slightly supernatural disillusioned college graduates who own the store "Things You Need" in "NOMADS". In short, a veritable tour de force by the finest artists and writers available. WELL... We'd like you to know that Anything But Monday isn't just coming out of the blue. It's had two previous incarnations--firstly, an underground college publication, and secondly, a nationally distributed comic book. In both these forms, Anything But Monday had limited print runs, but despite this setback, the response has been overwhelming. It's found it's way across the face of the globe, invading diverse existences from Australia to Canada to Ireland. And most everyone who reads Anything But Monday has loved it. College students. Prisoners. Businessmen. Socialists. Rock stars. Construction workers. Television personalities. Average nobodies. Police officers. Dips. These are some of the lucky and diverse few. But come October, there'll be no sane reason for anybody to miss an issue of ABM. WHO? One of the main reasons that we here at Anything But Monday are able to maintain such a high level of excellence in our production is that we have a uniquely talented staff of men and women who are always striving to create the best product possible. Frank Edward Nora, the other founding member of Anything But Monday, serves as editor and coordinator, and is also an accomplished filmmaker. Mike Massotto, one of the original founders of Anything But Monday, writer and executive whose work has appeared in MTV's "MTV To Go" Magazine. Jim Lord, award-winning photographer and photojournalist responsible for our exquisite covers, whose skills have taken him around the world to such hot spots as Nicaragua, Guatemala and the Middle East. Frank Panucci, former comic book publisher, now writer and illustrator for Anything But Monday. Alan Ginsberg, art director with over twenty years of experience. Brad Schmitt, provocative interviewer and feature writer. Candy Zerphy, computer expert and Anything But Monday managing editor. The rest of the staff, over a dozen of the hottest new artists and writers this generation of talent has to offer, bring a whole new dimension of comedy to herald the 1990's--and beyond! And if that's not enough, we also feature several convicted criminals on our staff. Who else gives prison inmates a chance to show their humor and talent in an area other than crime? Also, in a similar vein, we have the latest breaking front line news from the chaotic, cool, and sometimes queer "College Scene", written by actual students!!! So as you can see, we're more than adequately staffed to bring you the best of magazines. HISTORY... Anything But Monday began on a quiet university campus - only to stir the school into an uproar of controversy. The bitter First Amendment struggle that ensued was viewed as a difficult challenge against great odds by Mike Massotto and Frank Nora, but of course they triumphed in the end. You see, it all started with a radio show, entitled, strangely enough, "Anything But Monday", which was a morning humor oriented show. Mike and Frank were kicked off the air after disagreeing with the general manager over the format of their program. After a very unsuccessful appeal trial, the two decided to continue their show as an underground humor publication, similarly titled "Anything But Monday Magazine". But the controversy was only beginning. By the second issues they had been brought up on charges by the Dean of Students, but they were able to make a peaceable agreement with the parties involved. But when the third issue came out, things got ugly and they were brought up on more charges, and a case ensued which was so controversial that the story was run on newspapers, TV, and radio. Threatened with expulsion, they fought tooth and nail and were "let off easy" with a written reprimand. (Since the administration's fear of bad press exceeded their suppressive totalitarian urges.) From there, the magazine struggled upwards from the morass of apathy and ignorance, and Mike and Frank struggled to make each issue better than the last, until with great effort it finally came time to take a quantum leap and become a nationally distributed comic book. And now, Anything But Monday stands at the brink of a new era - a magazine project with a great idea, great staff, and a great future. FACTS. * "Anything But Monday", volume 3, number 1 * Scheduled for October 1989 release * Featuring full color covers on glossy stock * 56 pages inside on high quality white newsprint * Retail price: $2.25 U.S. / $2.75 Canada * Current release schedule: Bimonthly NOW. So there it is. Anything But Monday. The Laugh Magazine. An exciting new breakthrough in publishing. The first issue will be out soon. With all this in mind, why not check us out? You'll be happy you did. ***ANYTHING BUT MONDAY. "THE LAUGH MAGAZINE". HUMOR AT ITS FUNNY-BONE-SHATTERING BEST. SEE YA IN OCTOBER...!*** *OW* [[09025SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 25: "Dog and Rabbit" Prince Ferrajalt held tightly onto Treyess Arcomany as she flew their little biplane into the heart of the massive, horrific structure. "I can't tell!" Ferrajalt yelled. "Are we gonna hit it--or is there space inside it?" "I don't know!" Treyess yelled. "But the instruments are showing a bunch of entryways--I'm gonna take the best looking one." "Okay." So they flew into a gaping hole in the side of the thing, and were inside. As soon as they entered, a battery of spotlights on the biplane kicked in and lit the dark, twisted spaces around them. They were in some sort of main corridor, with jagged bramblelike protrusions coming from all angles. "Uh... Ferrajalt... All sorts of decisions up ahead. What should we do?" "What do you mean?" "The display--it shows a bunch of branchings up ahead." "Well, try and take the biggest one!" "Okay, I'll try Prince." As Treyess steered the plane toward the largest of the upcoming passageways, something came briefly into view. It was a scene, only visible for a second or two. It was tough to tell which direction it came from, or if they were seeing something real or projected, but see it they did. What they saw was a dog and a rabbit fighting. It was a nice, well groomed dog, a collie, which looked like it would have been a fine family companion in other circumstances. Here, it was frightful, teeth bared, in a rage, full of fear and assault. The rabbit was a little gray fellow, unassuming, but clearly possessing more ferocity than was readily apparent. It was a horrible, frightening scene. The two animals were consumed with the passion of their struggle, each wanting nothing more than to kill the other, each fearing it would fall to the other at any moment. And both Treyess and Ferrajalt were sobered by the image. Sobered, and drained--feeling like they'd just woken up from a particularly nasty nightmare, all shaken and paranoid. "Treyess! Did you see that!" "Uhh... Yes Prince I did." "What the hell was that?" "I don't know--a dog and a rabbit--fighting." "Let's get the f*ck out of this thing!" "I couldn't, uhh, I couldn't agree with you more!" With this, Treyess eased back on the throttle and the plane came to dead stop in midair, as she thought it would. Then she swung it around, and headed out the same way they had come in. "Are you sure you know the way out?" Ferrajalt asked. "I think--yeah--the display has the way marked in green--not to worry Prince." "Good. Let's just get the hell out of here!" And in less than a minute, they were out of the hulking construct, and back in the cool dark air of destroyed reality. "That," Ferrajalt said, panting, "was not cool." "Not hardly." Treyess responded. "What the f*ck was that all about?" "I don't know and I don't want to know--some sort of horrible evil, something beyond our comprehension. Oh Prince, I think we saw something back there that we shouldn't have." "Well who knows what sort of madness has come to exist, now that reality is no more." Ferrajalt said, trying to sound calm and in control, to reassure Treyess. "I just don't like it. That wasn't adventure, that was just--I don't know--just pure horror." "I know, I know." "So where are we going? I think I'm headed downriver, but I'm not even sure anymore!" "You want me to fly? We still have to check Doscovor. You can set 'er down on the river and we can switch places if you want and I'll fly us down there." "Okay--do you mind? I'm just a little too shaken. Sure you don't mind?" "No--no problem Treyess. We're teammates--we have to help each other out, right?" "Right." Treyess said sweetly, and she pointed the little biplane downwards, and soon landed on the frozen river. "Well," Ferrajalt said as he was getting out of the plane, "at least we won't always be wondering what was in that thing. Even though--I might rather not have known." Treyess chuckled a little as she got out of the plane also. "How do you know that was all that was in there?" "I don't know, but I did get the feeling that tem Treyess. We're teammates--we have to help each other out, right?" "Right." Treyess said sweetly, and she pointed the little biplane downwards, and soon landed on the frozen river. "Well," Ferrajalt said as he was getting out of the plane, "at least we won't always be wondering what was in that thing. Even though--I might rather not have known." Treyess chuckled a little as she got out of the plane also. "How do you know that was all that was in there?" "I don't know, but I did get the feeling that that was pretty much the heart of the matter--the unspeakable." "Yeah." Treyess walked away from the plane a little. "Just gotta stretch my legs a little." she said. "Yeah." So they rested there, on the frozen river, and breathed in the air which had more energy in it than they might have imagined. And they spoke and got to know each other better. And they almost kissed, but Treyess pointed out that they had to continue on in their mission, and Ferrajalt agreed. So they got back in their plane, and took off, downriver toward where Doscovor might still be. Soon the vector display was flashing wildly, heralding the huge drop up ahead which was, of course, the waterfall. And indeed, half a minute later, they flew over the frozen waterfall--an amazing sight t see--all that raw force of nature all frozen up and stopped dead in its tracks. But it was that across from the waterfall with which the two were most interested. "Doscovor!" Treyess yelled. "And--look at that! Office Complex of Gumhanshire Prefecture!" Ferrajalt responded, staring at the huge, complex building--all lit up, as if nothing was wrong. "So what do you think, Prince? Should we check it out? If there are any people in it, we should evac them before we cream the sucker, no?" "Sounds like the right thing to do." Ferrajalt said with a chuckle. So they quickly crossed the bay and landed carefully on one of the rooves of the doomed building. "Well here we are!" Treyess said. "This sucker's gonna get an ocean liner smack in the face before too long!" "You got it!" Ferrajalt said, taking off his helmet and jumping out of the biplane. "Wow!" Treyess said, likewise stepping out of the plane and removing her helmet. "Look at the view from up here. Look at that waterfall." "Yeah--just imagine seeing the flashing lights and hearing the sirens of all those Warhomes just before that boat comes flying across the bay--I mean--the whole thing's gonna happen so fast." "Yeah." "Oh, I almost forgot." Ferrajalt said, taking his gun out of its holster. "Gotta call back to the base. Let Ledrant know what we've found." "Yeah--what's the deal with that thing anyway? Why don't we all have one?" "Extremely limited battery life. But they're working on it. You think it's easy to generate a kemig signal in such a small body as a gun?" Treyess smiled and nodded as Ferrajalt punched a few buttons on the hilt of the gun and then looked into the base of the hilt. After a few muted ringing noises, the tiny image of Injure Bodoni faded in. "Ferrajalt? Is that you?" "Yes Injure, it's me." "How far have you gotten down the river?" Ferrajalt took a deep breath. "Look Injure--could you please get Ledrant? I don't want to say all this twice--You know more than me about the battery life of these things." "Well--Ledrant is indisposed at the moment but I will relate all the information you give me." "Fine! Fine! Okay--we're on top of Office Complex of Gumhanshire--right on top of it. We flew over on that plane we told you about. The lights are on in the building, but we haven't seen any signs of people yet." "Does that matter?" Injure asked, rubbing his nose. "What do you mean does that matter--of course it matters! We can't just kill people!" "Oh." Injure said dumbly. "So just tell Ledrant that we're gonna check for people, and then head back--and tell him to go over to that yard and get some more Warhomes--they're pretty easy to drive, no problem." "Okay, Ferrajalt. I'll tell him all that." "Okay thanks." Ferrajalt said tersely as he cut off the connection. "That guy is a REAL dick." Treyess said. "You're telling me." The two stood, several yards apart, staring at each other. Finally Treyess spoke. "So now that we're here on the roof, what are we supposed to do?" Ferrajalt thought for a moment, then looked over to the vector display of the biplane, which he had a good view of. On the screen was a 3-D representation of the building, with two bright yellow dots where he and Treyess were. "Maybe that's our answer." he said. "Looks like that sucker can detect people." "Maybe it's just seeing us because we're its owners." Ferrajalt regarded Treyess. "Maybe. So let's see if we can expand the scope of its scan--maybe it can reach all the way back to Derolbam and see the others." "You really think it could reach that far?" "If it's in communication with the Warhome, which I assume it is, I think it could give us an overall scan." "Give it a shot, my Prince." So Ferrajalt leaned over the side of the plane and began to fiddle with some knobs near the screen. At first there was no reaction, but then the scene zoomed out, and there was the faint outline of the bay and the waterfall. In another second, it had zoomed back so far that the Warhome was represented with a dull green, pulsing square. Finally, it pulled back all the way, and there was a cluster of yellow pinpoints in Derolbam, and the two, Treyess and Ferrajalt, there in Doscovor. And there was one more, a solitary light way off to the east. "Hmm." the Prince said. "Very impressive. Guess that kills any notion of people being around here. But there IS that one stray point out there. Hmm." "Well we can check that out later. For now I just want to get back to that Warhome and take a nice hot shower and relax a little." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah--oh, wait a second!" Treyess said as she skipped away a little. "I just have to get something--wait here!" "What is it? What the--where are you going?" "I'll be back in a minute!" Treyess said, as she descended a ladder on the side of the building. Ferrajalt ran over and looked down the ladder. "What the hell?" he muttered, and a moment later he heard the sound of glass shattering. "Treyess! Are you okay?" "I'm fine! I'm fine! I just have to get something!" "Okay--but be quick about it." Ferrajalt meandered back to the plane, looking up at the waterfall and mulling over the vision they saw in the weird mountain. He just couldn't get over it--the dog and the rabbit--what could it mean? And beyond that, of course, there was Treyess. As a Royal, Ferrajalt was used to girls fawning over him, but in Treyess, he knew he had found his equal. SO what if she was so much older than him? How old could she have been anyway? Ten years? Twelve years? It didn't matter. Especially in a world such as Aconck, it really didn't matter. Oh, he knew his mother would have a heart attack if she knew--but how could she? She probably didn't even exist anymore. And even after they wholloped this building--who knew? Who knew if anything would ever exist again? "Oh Ferrajalt! Could you help me?" he heard Treyess yell from below. He went back to the ladder and looked down--Treyess had a tablecloth bunch up like a sack--full of silverware, glasses, and dishes from the looks of it. "What is this--another graduate of the Nevrippa Den school of looting?" "Now come on! Help me and pull this stuff up. And I am not looting--just think how cool it'll be to have Office Complex of Gumhanshire table settings in the future, if we manage to pull this off? It'll be rad!" "Oh okay! Here--gimme." Ferrajalt grabbed the heavy load and heaved it up with effort. "Now come on." he said. "We really have to get back." They loaded the contraband into the back of the plane, and took off, the Prince behind the stick again, and headed back for their Warhome. Before they knew it, they made it back, passing the enormous, nightmare structure on their left. Docking back up with the Warhome was a piece of cake, and soon the two of them were climbing down the ladder of the central shaft. Ferrajalt followed Treyess into the main living chamber. "Oh I just want to take all my clothes off and lay down under the covers and get all warm and toasty!" Treyess said, almost sounding drunk. Ferrajalt stopped dead in his tracks, heart racing. "So--go ahead. Maybe I'll join you." Treyess smiled and spun around slowly several times, looking right at Ferrajalt all the while. Finally you spoke. "I'll do what I want to do--while you wait outside. Then you can come in. Deal?" "Uh--deal." Ferrajalt said with a stumble, and he backed away and out of the door. "Just--uh--just tell me when I can come back in." "Will do." Ferrajalt shut the door and leaned against it, his heart now pounding wildly and a cold sweat breaking out all over him. Was this it? Was he gonna score with Treyess Arcomany in a few minutes? As it so happens, the answer is "yes". After a minute or two, Treyess yelled for him to come back in, and there she was--stark naked on the bed--and man was she hot! "I wonder when my Prince will come?" she said. He was over there pretty darn quick. * * * Prince Ferrajalt was nearing consciousness when he began to perceive a flashing light through his closed eyes. For a moment, he was disoriented, unsure of where he was, but when he opened his eyes, the events of the past day washed over him. Feeling Treyess' naked body next to his, he was careful not to wake as he got up a little to seek out the source of the flashing. As he got up on his shoulders, Treyess stirred, but did not awaken. Immediately, Ferrajalt saw a flashing puron it. It was Nevrippa Den. Instantly, Ferrajalt buried himself under the covers and threw them all the way over Treyess. Only their heads could be seen. "Oh--ha! Looks like I caught you two at a bad time--good!" Den said with a goofy smile. "How are you making this call?" Ferrajalt said as Treyess stirred some more. "Well my friend," Den said, leaning forward and wearing a smug look, "after we got your excellent field report on the Warhomes, we all went over to the yard and got some more. And you know what hot shot? I filled mine up totally with all the cool stuff I looted! Even the motorcycle and the speedboat are covered with junk!" "Um--that's great." Ferrajalt said, feeling extremely embarrassed. "But y'know, you've caught us in kind of a--delicate--situation, so--" "--oh don't worry about it. I'm not stuffy about it. I think sex is great. And you two make a cute couple, so don't worry about it one bit, hon." Ferrajalt grimaced and looked over at Treyess, whose eyes were just opening. "Tell me this is a nightmare." Treyess said. "Nope!" Den yelled. "It's for real! And reality is so much fun, because stuff that happens in reality has more of an impact, y'know? But anyway I'm glad I got through to you 'cause a whole lot of sh*t has been going down here and we need you guys back." "Um--okay--uh..." Ferrajalt said. "Okay." Den said. "Mr. Hate told me to tell you some stuff if I could figure out how to work the inter-Warhome communications. Ha! So anyways, we got the "Recrudescent" down onto the river--that was fun. Injy figgers we'll need about seven or eight Warhome to tow it--too bad I beat the living daylights out of that Hypergod Amnifaoz guy when he attacked me and V! But the plan is going well. He says we should all the able to put our Warhomes on autopilot and get into the planes before the waterfall, y'know, to follow the Recrudescent into the event horizon. Yeah right, like I'm gonna abandon all my stuff!" "Um--" Treyess said, shocking the Prince as she pushed the sheets down to reveal her breasts, "--how long have we been asleep?" "I don't know. Hey--nice chest! But no--I dunno--I think it's been four or five hours since your last kemig. Something like. Wanna try that blanket trick on the Prince there, Treyess? I never saw a royal weenie before!" "Come on!" Ferrajalt said in an annoyed tone of voice. "Chill out, only joking dude." Den said, and then with a smile, "But if you anything to show down there, I'm sure you would have!" "Nevrippa..." Treyess said. "Okay, okay." Den said. "So anyway, V and Vike are using superstrength to rip the cables and chains and stuff out of the docking mechanism and attaching them as tow cables. I'm gonna go help them soon--I'm naturally superstrong, you know." "Yes, we know." Treyess said. "Oh!" Den said. "We picked up another survivor! We found her hiding behind the front desk of a motel in Sapsip. She seemed awfully confused. Her name is 'Sleep' or something--you know--like what you guys were just doing before I rudely interrupted you. She has cool hair." "Don't worry about it, Nevrippa." Treyess said, sitting up a little. Ferrajalt cringed as her body was revealed up to her bellybutton. But then, the Prince thought, she didn't have anything to be embarrassed about. "We did sort of leave you all hanging." Treyess continued. "We'll try and get back soon. Now where are we getting back to now?" "Oh!" Den said. "Our new leader, Mr. Ledrant Hate, has moved the base of operations to his Warhome on the river, right by the Recrudescent. So just come on up river." "Yeah." Ferrajalt said. "So what happened with this Hypergod guy? You beat him up?" "Oh yeah! You know, he came up to me and V in the van and said he felt like doing some killing. He said we weren't included in the bargain he made with you guys, and he ripped that van in two almost and was serious. Lucky I'm such a healthy girl. He tried to disembowel me--he wasn't kidding around. It did kind of tickle, but he didn't when I punched through his armor and squished gore. Screamed, that bastard did. I ruined him. I think he's still alive though." "V was okay?" Treyess asked. "Yeah--he kind of backed off--well--kind of ran at full speed away from the fray. Did see something funny though. Did see that cube of his arch up and get all prickly, and flickered up. He may have something there but he didn't stick around to find out." "Um," Ferrajalt said, "isn't like, wasn't that guy like as powerful as a god or something, or more? How could you have just beat him up like that?" Treyess looked over at Ferrajalt. "Now come on, my Prince--you know our little Nevrippa Den a talented little filly. Credit where credit is due." "Yeah." Ferrajalt said. "Well, he deserved it if he tried to kill you like that. I knew we couldn't trust that guy. The old following an agreement by its letter rather than its spirit. A sure sign of evil." "That it is." Den said. "That it is." "Oh yeah." Treyess said. "That reminds me--whatever became of those four weird people you guys told me about? You know--the ones who were--the girl who was the guy from the future, in a future incarnation, who had time travelled back to--well, you know--what happened to them?" Den nodded. "Well let me tell you about that. From our Warhomes, we're getting them all back at that Noyage Parlour, but no one feels like going all the way down there to investigate. Let them die." "Die?" Treyess said. "Shouldn't reality just come back around them?" "Well," Den said, raising her eyebrows and nodding in mock thoughtfulness, "it seems that Injy has revised his estimates a little. He says that this shaky reflection of Timber Serious may have only survived due to the supportive-array of Aconck or something. That is, this Earth's reality system was able to hang on by a thread due to Aconck, or something. I really try to understand Injy, I do. But so much of the time his figures and calculations fly right over my head." "Like all of us." Treyess said. "Yeah." Den said. "So it turns out we have to follow the Recrudescent into the Office Complex. In the planes, y'know? But I'm sticking with the ship--I'll be attached to it after all. But don't tell the others." "No, no." Treyess said. "So look guys. I don't want to take away from whatever quality time you have together. I'm gonna go help V and Vike with their work--I think they need it. So I'll see you soon?" "Yup." the Prince said. "Yeah." Treyess said, staring to sit up on the side of the bed, but keeping her lower regions covered. "We'll see you in an hour or so." "Cool. Nevrippa Den out." And the video screen went blank. Treyess chuckled. "A lot happened while we were having our fun." "Yeah." Ferrajalt said, also moving to sit on the side of the bed, and scanning the room for his clothes. "Were you embarrassed?" Treyess said with a look. "Kind of. That Nevrippa gives me the creeps sometimes." "I know what you mean, but she's a good kid." "Yeah." "So you wanna get dressed and back up to complete this crazy mission?" "Yeah I guess." Ferrajalt said. "I think I just have to wake up a little bit more to absorb all this crap." "I know what you mean." "Come here." Ferrajalt said, and Treyess turned to face him. She was stunning, and she approached the Prince. He embraced her and stroked her cheek, looking into her eyes. "What we did here was more than just 'fun' for me. I feel for you. I feel connected to you. And I hope you feel the same." "I do." Treyess said, looking away. "It's just... it's been so long since I've had any kind of stable relationship--the thought of it is kind of novel. It's funny. On my Earth, the kind of guys that were turned on by a dashing, independent adventurer like myself always turned out to be losers and nerds. The real men always seemed to stay away from me. But you--you're a real man--I can see that in you. The blood of heroes runs through your veins. Maybe not that many generations past." "Maybe not." Treyess looked up at Ferrajalt and they kissed. "This will be our home, this Warhome." Ferrajalt said. "I will make it happen. We will find a way to keep it, maybe the same way Den is planning." A tear came to Treyess' eye as the rested her head on Ferrajalt's strong shoulder. *OW* [[10025CO]] Catalog of Obliviana These days, when you buy a book, magazine, CD, or videotape, you get an artifact which acts as the medium for the information contained within. But as the Digital Superworld develops, more and more of the infostimulation you buy will be pure data--with no physical side, no artifact. In fact, OsoaWeek is such a formless thing--it's pure data. With this in mind, we here at Obliviana Super Occult Amusement feel that artifacts will begin to take on more meaning. And because of this, we have developed a system by which all of the Obliviana Artifacts we release have definite identity--with limited production, each item is numbered, stamped, and personally signed by its creator. The following list contains all the currently available Obliviana Artifacts. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 28 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 7 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[11025CN]] Contents BEGIN 01 025 CV--Cover 02 025 HR--Hemisinister Review 03 025 ZP--Zope 04 025 HT--Halfevil Times 05 025 LA--Lord of Obliviana 06 025 NH--Nihilistica 07 025 SU--Superior 08 025 DH--Dehumidifier 09 025 SR--Severe Repair 10 025 CO--Catalog of Obliviana 11 025 CN--Contents END *OW* [[END025OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- ----- |