|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- CARNE'S MOISTURE DETECTION FRIEND--CUP 4--"WESTERN RIVER EXPEDITION" <-------  ||  Severe Repair  ||  Carne's Moisture Detection Friend  ||  -------> (Cup SRcm004, Created v2 (6/7/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = -H- CARNE: Leonard Maltin. That's his name. My Moisture Detection Friend tells me he knows a lot about movies. PACER: Yeah? Cool. Wow--look up. Willya just look up there! The Contemporary Resort Hotel! Can you believe that we're actually here? This is like, I don't know, like the greatest place in the world! And we're gonna be driving those little speedboats around Bay Lake and Seven Seas Lagoon in a matter of minutes! CARNE: Yeah, well, not if it starts to rain. Look at that thunderstorm there, um, in the distance. PACER: Nonsense. Total nonsense. It'll rain for like five minutes. And what are they gonna do if we're out there, kick our ass or something? I don't think so. CARNE: I don't know, Pacer. I've heard some pretty wild things about Disney security. PACER: Yeah, but that's for like college kids who jump off the ride in the Haunted Mansion and start beating the shit out of the ghosts and stuff. They got cameras everywhere man. I knew this one guy who jumped off the boat in It's a Small World and started beating the shit out of one of those little puppets, and they like took him away and locked him up and handcuffed him and everything. CARNE: Who is this, that you know and who did that? PACER: I don't know. That dude Klein. Klein something... I don't know. His buddies just dared him.So he had to do it. I don't think he got in all that much trouble, but all I know is that he's not allowed to ride that ride anymore. CARNE: Yeah. Hey, check out those girls over there. PACER: Wow. I could do with a little bit of that. Geez, just think, those girls were probably born AFTER Epcot opened! Is that wild? CARNE: Look! A raindrop on my arm! It started raining already! There's no way they're gonna let us go out on those boats now! PACER: Yeah, great. That sucks. Hey, you know how we were talking about dimensional travel before, how we could go and see like the Western River Expedition and the Asian and Persian and Venetian Hotels, and the Tron Arcade, and all that? I was thinking about something like "rain travel", where you could go from like one time and place where it's raining. So we could, for example, go to the Short Hills Mall at a point in time when it was raining there. CARNE: Could we, perhaps, go to that cave where the Nazis hid trillions of dollars worth of gold and art masterpieces? I know it couldn't rain in the cave, but if it was raining outside, could we use rain travel to jump right into the cave? PACER: I don't know, man. Come on, let's head on back to the Fiesta Fun Center. Or whatever the hell they call it now. CARNE: I think it's time to take a depressing, long Walt Disney World bus ride in the rain. Whattaya say? -I- CARNE: Hey Pacer, did you know that my Moisture Detection Friend used to go door-to-door, offering people $20 cash for unworking remote controls? PACER: Why? CARNE: He would take them apart, smash them up, whatever. He had one of those huge bottles--the kind some people try and fill with pennies. He was trying to fill it with remote control parts. PACER: What is he, stupid? CARNE: I don't know. But he must have spent about a thousand dollars on the project. And now the bottle is just about full, but it's sitting in his basement and he never even looks at it! And when he went through his next phase--his CB radio phase--his nickname was "Remote Control Crusher". I think there might be some allegorical meaning to it, but darned if I know what it is. -J- CARNE: Three days ago I was in a sewing store with my Moisture Detection Friend. We spent eight hours there. PACER: Why? CARNE: My sewing friend asked me to watch his store while he went to court. My Moisture Detection Friend had nothing better to do than hang out with me. We spent the whole time making fun of all the sewing crap. PACER: What was your friend in court for? CARNE: Oh, you know that town. He experimented with selling "adult" sewing patterns, and the township got all bent out of shape. It was some kind of First Amendment thing. I don't know. He said he'd stop selling the naughty goods--he said he really didn't care. But they wanted to fine him anyway. PACER: Wow man, that sucks. CARNE: What sucks even more is that the sex sewing sets have started to catch on--getting national attention and everything. They're kind of a hot item now. A few people even asked for them while I was at the store. I just told 'em to go to the porno shop across town. Heck, I don't know if that store has the sewing kits, but I'm sure those people will find something there to appease them. -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----