|| -------- -- -----  A E R I E   O B L I V I A N A . singular book of text wandertainment by Frank Edward Nora ------------------- ----------- OSOAWEEK--ISSUE 008--9/15/94 <-------  ||  OsoaWeek  ||  Issues  ||  Book 1  ||  -------> (Cup OWis008, Created v1 (4/27/99), Copyright 1999) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = [[BEGIN008OW]] [[01008MH]] OsoaWeek008, September 15, 1994 Published by Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Contact via e-mail at obliviana@aol.com, via voice at 1-800-OBLIVIANA, or via snailmail at 37 Gill Lane, Suite 119, Iselin, NJ 08830, USA. On America Online, contact via "Obliviana". Copyright 1994 by Frank Edward Nora. Permission is granted to make complete, verbatim electronic copies of this ezine for the purpose of free distribution. All other forms of reproduction are forbidden without express written permission from Frank Edward Nora. This file should contain approximately 56205 characters and 1672 lines. OsoaWeek originates in the United States of America. Statement of Purpose: OsoaWeek is the weekly ezine of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa), an innovative and far-reaching game with an eye on the future. See the Appendix at the end of this file for a clear explanation of what Osoa is all about. And check out the Sneak Preview below (after Contents) for an overview of what's inside this issue! *OW* [[02008CN]] Contents of OsoaWeek008 BEGIN 01 008 MH--Masthead 02 008 CN--Contents 03 008 SP--Sneak Preview 04 008 LO--Lord of Obliviana Revelry 05 008 NH--Nihilistica 06 008 CO--Catalog of Obliviana * * * 07 008 SO--The State of Osoa * * * 08 008 HR--Hemisinister Review 09 008 HT--Halfevil Times 10 008 SU--Superior 11 008 SR--Severe Repair 12 008 AX--Appendix END Unless otherwise noted, all contents are by Frank Edward Nora. See Appendix for more information on the Contents, codes, and searching. *OW* [[03008SP]] Sneak Preview of OsoaWeek008 Hey there you! Stop a second and give OsoaWeek a chance! It's a great ezine full of humor, reviews, supernatural mayhem, and an ongoing sci-fi tale called "Severe Repair"! And best of all, a brand new issue comes out every week! So check it out. Who knows? OsoaWeek might become a pleasant part of your weekly lifestyle! Yeah! Lord of Obliviana Revelry (04008LO)--Just back from a whirlwind "Hyperdisney Experience", Frank Edward Nora has very little to say, but says what he does say very well. Eh? Nihilistica (05008NH) brings you a preview of a wonderful new video game called "Fey Hunting", in which you play as the beautiful Hunting as she endeavors to "Destroy Evil Building!" Also, another great coffee recipe called STP--"Saffron-Tabasco-Postum"! Catalog of Obliviana (06008CO) has some really cool stuff for you to buy! Ultra-limited artifacts, each signed and numbered by the Lord of Obliviana himself! Be the first in your country or origin to get an Obliviana Artifact! The State of Osoa (07008SO) sets forth a technical explanation of how Obliviana can coexist with the real world--using a piece of aluminum foil to demonstrate! Hemisinister Review (08008HR) has reviews of a number of human emotions this time, including Pride, Fear, and Loneliness! Halfevil Times (09008HT) throws a lot of Perceptions & Ponderings your way, including "Ever wonder why, if E=mc2, fat people aren't more energetic?" and "Ever notice that Dana Plato is less intelligent than the original Plato?" Wow! Superior (10008SU) begins at "And it's a hunting. It's a knockout.", swerves mercilessly toward "force imps disassembling churches, force the bemuser devasta sleep", crashes through "go to a store and relax and these are the days of sleep", and thuds to a stop in "a phone call mall". Do stop by! Severe Repair (11008SR)--in this week's installment, "Cup's Club", we find Daptin Gone and Fake Cerquaine getting ready for their first mortal mission. Then, along with loser Jerald Hapal Hatch, they set forth for Boltpike through a bridge at a shopping mall! But things go terribly wrong and they wind up in an impossible world facing Cup's Club! Check out this explosive chapter in the saga of Severe Repair! Yes indeed! Appendix (12008AX) is where to look when you are confused. It may help. *OW* [[04008LO]] Lord of Obliviana Revelry Well well well. What do you know. Another issue of OsoaWeek. Yep. Another fine, dandy issue. There ya go. I'm now just 24 hours back from a Hyperdisney Experience and still reeling. See, I went down to Walt Disney World for one night, and because the place is so dead this time of year, I was able to see a good portion of all three theme parks and a number of hotels in about 40 hours. Check out my Walt Disney World reviews next issue! So get ready for another amazing, if slim, issue of OsoaWeek. Eight issues and still going strong! All right! Get all Obliviana! *OW* [[05008NH]] Nihilistica ***FEY HUNTING*** That fine superbattler of Antebellum fame, Hunting, gets a starring role in her very own game, Fey Hunting! This game is part of our "Nightfallscreen" series of games, inspired by the great arcade hits of the late 70s and early 80's which had black backgrounds, such as Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Breakout, Space Invaders, Asteroids, Red Baron, etc. The goal of the game is to "Destroy Evil Building", and Hunting had to ascend floor after floor with her trusty rifle, in this video game extravaganza combining elements of miniature golf, shooting, gulping, frogging, and a whole lot of other game mechanics! Look for it sometime in the future. Vague, eh? ***BRIGHT COFFEE IDEA*** STP! No, it's not motor oil or Stone Temple Pilots, it's Saffron-Tabasco-Postum! Now we all know that instant coffee blows, but sometimes, like now, I have to resort to instant--so I devised a clever little way to make Taster's Choice Freeze-Dried Coffee more exciting! What I did was add a few drops of Tabasco sauce, a dash of Postum, and the tiniest trace of pure saffron. Cool, man! *OW* [[06008CO]] Catalog of Obliviana With more and more of your life switching over to digital, isn't it nice to be able to obtain something unique to the physical world? That's what Obliviana Artifacts are all about! Each one is signed, numbered, stamped, and very limited! So for the best in non-digital thrills, order often from the mighty Catalog of Obliviana! You can always call 1-800-OBLIVIANA to check out how many of a given Artifact are left, and also reserve an item. Your Artifact will be held for 5 business days, awaiting your order. I keep two of everything, so the initial amount available is at least two less than the total. To order, send check or money order made out to Frank Edward Nora, or cash (at your own risk), to the address in the Masthead. All prices include postage and handling. Guarantee: Return any Artifact within 30 days of receiving it for a full refund. MINIATURE SUPER OBJECT 1: NON-THORIUM ANTENNA This is a strange little Super Object I developed some time ago as an incentive item to get you to order one of my former magazines. I got no orders, though. Now, there are 40 Non-Thorium Antennas, complete with tiny plastic container and title card. 28 left. OA001. Only $3 each! PERFECT FOVY Fovy was a publication I released fortnightly for five issues last Autumn. Each issue is on one folded-up 11 x 17 sheet of paper, with an awesome 8-Codingseed poster on one side and cool stuff on the other, including two Zope comics per issue! A wonderful collection, bound with a paper band, and only 26 made. 24 left. OA002. Yours for $5! PELTER CD-ROM This is an actual CD-ROM I had pressed over a year ago, and it contains 256 of the coolest clip textures you ever saw! Being for the Macintosh, each image is a 512 pixel by 512 pixel 32-bit color image. As well, each image comes in 6 varieties! These are 32-bit, 8-bit, grayscale, tiled 32-bit, tiled 8-bit, and tiled grayscale. This product never saw commercial release because, (a) I blew all my money just producing it, and (b) I'm too lazy and wary to have anyone else produce it. So! A great bargain, with only 40 copies available. Includes the original color-photocopied cover, and a brand new insert with updated information. Requires Macintosh computer with CD-ROM drive. 38 left. OA003. Only $30 each! READ THIS OR DIE! An awesome collection of Zope comics spanning eight years! Contains twenty sheets of colored paper, with 40 Zope comics in all! Included are "Zope's Resin Conundrum", "Zope's Little Puppet", "Doctor Zope and the Abdomen Ghoul", and loads more! Each set not only has the usual signature, stamp, and number--but an original drawing of Zope as well! All bound together with a big binder clip. A very raw artifact! 20 made, 8 left. OA005. $4 each. *OW* [[07008SO]] The State of Osoa Okay all of you! I'm just back from Florida, and I flew, looking down at the Eastern Seaboard below me. And it occurred to me from that height, with the vast expanse below me, that Obliviana was down there, but not visible. So how does this work? Well, I was thinking, and you know--I came up with an answer. Remember that book "A Wrinkle in Time", where some witches or something fold space in order to teleport, and explain it by bringing two sides of a tablecloth together, and allowing a spider to cross over. Well, it was something like that. Anyway, it seems to me this is the way Obliviana is hidden--but in a more complex way. Here's a demonstration--take a sheet of aluminum foil and start to crinkle it up into a ball. But halfway toward making it into a ball, stop and press it against a smooth level surface (ie, table, floor, etc.). What you'll get is a flat surface which has far less surface area than it originally did, because much of the area is crinkled and folded up under a variety of cracks and fissures. Now the hard part--the phenomenon you see happening in the 2-D world of tin foil is in reality happening to our 3-D world. So it's easy to see how we can be passing over these fissures without really noticing them. If you can't quite visualize this, check out the book "Flatland", by Edwin Abbot or someone like that. Anyway, approaching these fissures from one direction makes you just pass over, but from another direction, you go INTO! And thus we get a little closer to finding Obliviana! *OW* [[08008HR]] Hemisinister Review ***HUMAN EMOTIONS*** PRIDE A deadly sin for Christians, but a very useful emotion in reality. That feeling of pride you get after accomplishing something is a definite reward, and a motivating factor in human activity. PITY A real ego boost. "There but for the grace of God go I", but you're the one with the grace of God. A basically destructive emotion, and a cornerstone of liberalism. FEAR Amusing and utile in small doses, but can be a serious quality-of-life-diminisher in heartier servings. Perhaps the most essential emotion because it is the one constantly reminding us of our limitations. LONELINESS Ah, the gregarious monster, man. We're let know when we're not mixing enough by having loneliness thrust upon us. A rather tedious thing to have to feel, but a reminder that as humans we have to play by a predetermined set of rules. Some may hold the ideal that social interaction is unnecessary, but our humanity tells us otherwise. *OW* [[09008HT]] Halfevil Times ***HALFEVIL TIMES PERCEPTIONS & PONDERINGS*** EVER WONDER... ...why The Sharper Image takes any little piece of sh*t gizmo and calls it an "executive stress reliever"? ...who the hell Little Lord Fauntleroy was? ...why, if E=mc2, fat people aren't more energetic? ...what happened to that great phrase of the 70's "Let's not and say we did."? ...why record store employees act like they're so cool when, let's face it, they're on the bottom rung of society? ...why more high school losers don't snap and go on killing sprees? ...why, upon entering an empty movie theater, everyone has to say "I wonder if we can find a seat?" ...why A&E even bothers? ...whatever happened to those great pop jugglers the Flying Karamazov Brothers? Did they finally impale each other on the swords and meat cleavers they always used to juggle? EVER NOTICE... ...that Mr. Magoo was a stupid little idiot? ...that the Equator f*cks up every country it runs through? ...how well the guards react when you bring a baseball bat with the words "I HATE ART" scrawled on it into the Metropolitan Museum of Art? ...that most people who think they're cool aren't and most people who think they're not cool also aren't? ...that rain seems a little contrived? ...that Dana Plato is less intelligent than the original Plato? ...that for folks in Generation X, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" is a darn good question? ...that when someone on a commercial concludes with the phrase "I like that", you want to wrench their skull off their neck? ...that Al Gore+Abe Vigoda=Walter Mondale? ...that "Thank you for using AT&T" could be rearranged to form "Sh*tty kung fu cartoon", if only AT&T were CT&T? ...that even if you put your mind to it, most things are still impossible to attain? ...that hail is always compared in size to golf balls, tennis balls or grapefruit--and never anything else? ...that Willy Wonka made a grave error in judgment giving his chocolate factory to that little worm Charlie Bucket? ...that bookmarks are just glorified scraps of paper? ...that you were an assh*le when you were younger? ...that foliage is a drag? ...how there's one button on every remote control which, if pressed, seriously f*cks up your TV for days? ...how folks heap praise upon severe natural disasters for their ability to "bring people together"? ...that some people can do the Donald Duck voice, and others just can't, no matter how hard they try? *OW* [[10008SU]] Superior SUPERIOR 57 And it's a hunting. It's a knockout. Fan and random we ambled, and came upon an area funny. The darkness not under back a little, and all of us were frightening. Can this be reconciled, this days? Time travel is an option. Reality systems can'ts betrays evernessity. Lords of Uncontrol, we, nevery and quite silly. But all I want is the picture. SUPERIOR 58 Slore, I said, amn't I the best? If I was a helicopter I'd smash you all. On the Sun are a lot of spots they say. The sidewalk has gum on it, they say, decades old some of it, they say. I am here now drawing you to the time but here is a time called as follows 5:19 AM, March 9, 1994. They say it will snow today, and it seems we're in for one more good one forbvore the Spring. SUPERIOR 59 Looks like we made it, our other friends lost it. In a restaurant, no one here knows what we've just been through, or the places unreal we have just been. They just sit and eat and are unaware of the major glory upon us for being where we were, those other worlds, and living to tell the tale. I'm glad as a daffodil that I'm not one of them. Order. SUPERIOR 60 Force only that street, force flapjack, force mess moss up, force imps disassembling churches, force the bemuser devasta sleep, force Canada's cathode, force seen western soul beader, force deviant poise. SUPERIOR 61 I am a conductor on New Jersey Transit but I have a secret. I have discovered a way to travel to an alternate universe and I go there frequently. But recently something has gone very wrong and I am having trouble getting back to my home universe. As far as I can get is the space between the trains. If I take my clothes off it's a little better but I still can't get into the train or see the outside world. Question: Is this conductor a man or a woman? SUPERIOR 62 Thrice is a term about it happening three times. To see this, imagine a few bags. If a bag is put inside another bag, that's once. If another bag is put inside another bag, that's twice. And if another bag is put inside another bag, that's thrice. SUPERIOR 63 This day this disaster. Blendblast, car benenen. Spinach pasta's yumyum. Not in the maze of a life, but the bane of a company. So we can inside a black orange through now gone in windy yesterdays clear begun in times of withforall. Mint is a blessing in these times. Go to a store and relax and these are the days of sleep. So juice is a drink. SUPERIOR 64 Talk we merry, bus was merry, spark. Ending away, and I liked it, and a phone call mall. *OW* [[11008SR]] Severe Repair SEVERE REPAIR 8: "Cup's Club" A quarter hour later Cursive arrived back with the food, and the four entered a conference room on the third floor of The Caxopy Group, along with the cup of coffee. "So I wanna discuss this whole killing thing." Daptin said. "What do you mean?" Elaine asked. "I mean, a lot of the stuff we got at Basement-Wall-Thursday seems designed with killing people in mind. And I know, I mean, there was a light atmosphere there, but like, are we really gonna be expected to kill people?" Daptin wondered. "Whereas this line of work might seem silly and fun to the uninitiated," Cursive began. "we still speak the universal language--violence. One branching of violence is killing. When one bars your path, he can resist all reasoning, but he cannot resist force, by definition. The gentle is myth. While it might seem snuggly to harmlessly tranquilize all opponents, the truth is that when dealing in violence, serious injury and murder is unavoidable." "I have something which might help you with this moral queasiness." Elaine said as she walked over to a desk, opened a drawer, and took out a black metal coin, a little bigger than a silver dollar. "What is it?" Fake asked. "Have a look." Elaine said as she handed the coin to Fake. Fake took the coin and examined it. On the front it had the face of an angry looking fellow wearing circle-framed glasses with wind blowing through his hair. Below the portrait were the words "Him: Scientist". On the back was a rendition of a sort of huge pillar with some people at its base staring up at it. Several eight-digit numbers also adorned the back. "Cool." Fake said. "My Dad would love this. He's big into numismatics." "No one on Earth would recognize it." Cursive said. "Let me see." Daptin said. Fake handed the coin to Daptin across the big table, as Cursive smiled at Elaine. "Pretty neat. What is he, a famous scientist around here?" Daptin commented. Elaine smiled but said nothing. "What's wrong?" Daptin queried. "Feel any different?" asked Cursive. "No--should I?" Daptin said. "Not too different." Elaine said, smiling. "But you are changed." "Am I changed too?" asked Fake. "Yes." Cursive said. "What is it?" asked Daptin, placing the coin carefully onto the table. "That's a killable coin. By touching it, you're no longer killable. Congratulations." Cursive said. "What?" Daptin asked, contorting his face in confusion. "You can't be killed anymore." Elaine said. "Me too?" Fake asked. "Yup." Cursive replied. "But," Daptin said. "we're like, we're mortals, right? Mortal means we're going to die, right? So what--" "--as mortals we will eventually die, unlike the gods, who live forever." Elaine said. "But with this technique, we can prevent premature death." "So how long do we live?" Fake asked. "Hundreds, thousands, even tens of thousands of years." Cursive said. "A drop in the bucket of a god's lifetime. But enough of this dark talk--let's eat! Lots of pizza for all, and beverages galore." Cursive took a number of cups and cans out of a bag. "Where's my Mr. Pibb?" Daptin wondered. "All out. I got you Blueberry Mello Yello instead." Cursive said, handing him a blue and yellow can. "Never heard of blueberry-flavored Mello Yello." Daptin said, examining the can. "Now you have. And here's your antimatter iced espresso, Fake, my dear." Cursive said, handing Fake a black and bright orange bottle. "There isn't real antimatter in here, is there?" Fake asked, taking the bottle. "A trace amount of antineutrons. Gives it a fruity flavor." Cursive replied. "Well, it says on the bottle that it's completely safe, so I'll take their word for it." Fake said. "What'd you get?" Daptin asked of Cursive. "Oh," Cursive said, holding up a colorful can. "I got a can of Diet Cool Ranch Tempura Honeysuckle Nectar Beer Classic. They had it after all." "Hey that's mine!" Fake exclaimed. "Hey babe, you agreed on the espresso. Get your own DCRTHNBC." Cursive replied. "Oooh!" Fake said angrily. "And here's your Cotton Anti, Elaine." Cursive said, handing Elaine a large boxed beverage. "Antimatter cotton drink. Now this is good stuff." Elaine said. "Antimatter drinks are big these days in Agoopish, if you two hadn't noticed." Cursive said. "Hey, why is my Blueberry Mello Yello green?" Daptin asked, pouring his drink into a glass. "Blue and yellow is green. QED." Cursive said. "Maybe I could have some water? Some distilled, chemically pure water?" Daptin asked. "Come on--drink it. It's good for you!" Cursive said. "Let me see that can!" Fake said loudly to Cursive. Just then, a buzzer went off. "Jerald's here." Elaine said. "Jerald will be helping you on your mission." Cursive said with a smile. "Can!" Fake yelled. Cursive placed the can on the table and left the room. Fake reached across the table and grabbed the can. "Wow. It's just what I said. So they did have it." Fake said, bewildered. "So they have an algorithmic beverage generator--so what." Elaine said. "Are you guys gonna retrieve me," Tavmatey said from within the cup of coffee, "or are you gonna talk about drinks all day?" "We'll get to you." Elaine said. "I hope so." said Tavmatey. "Here's Jerald." Cursive said as she entered the room with heavyset fellow with short, straight blond hair. "Jerald Hapal Hatch," Elaine said, "meet Fake Cerquaine and Daptin Gone." "Hullo." Jerald said. "Hi." said Daptin and Fake. "Jerald's from Fiestarkoon. Found Agoopish a few weeks ago just like you guys." Cursive said. "You guys are from Baskonontana, right?" Jerald asked. "Well, I live there now, but I'm originally from Arctica." Daptin said. "I'm a native Powerssippian myself." added Fake. "Huh." Jerald grunted. "Have a seat, Jerald. We have a lot to discuss." Elaine said. "Pizza?" Jerald asked. "All in good time." Cursive responded. Several hours later, Jerald, Fake, and Daptin stood in a service corridor in a shopping mall in Plutomiana, Baskonontana (on Earth). Daptin was wearing his frost flame delimiter, a vest which burned with a cold blue-gray flame. Fake's intelligent cinder block hovered a few feet above her. Jerald wore a cowboy hat. "Why'd we have to come back to Earth and ride in Cursive's dumb station wagon for 45 minutes? Couldn't we get to Boltpike directly from Agoopish?" Jerald asked. "Get the sh*t outta your ears, Hatch." Fake said. "You know this is a much more obscure entrance to Boltpike, and therefore, a safer one." "Yeah." Daptin said, kneeling down, placing the cup of coffee on the ground, and adjusting his submachinegun on its strap around his shoulder. "I just hope we can get over to that record store and over the bridge before mall security begins to hassle us." "Who cares?" Jerald said. "We can smoke 'em no problem with our weapons." "Jerald!" Fake said, turning around and pointing her finger in his face. "We cannot afford any incidents here on Earth! And I for one am not prepared to hurt anybody unless we absolutely have to, whether or not we're invulnerable." "Who says we're invulnerable?" Jerald asked, stroking his infinite-ammo submachinegun. "The coin, dummy." Fake said. "What coin?" Jerald asked. "The black coin, the killable one. Didn't you touch it?" Daptin asked, carefully picking the cup of coffee back up and standing. "What are you talking about? I never saw any coin." Jerald said. "Well, just forget it then." Daptin said, opening the door leading into the mall proper a little to peer out. "What do you mean forget it? They gave you a power and forgot to give it to me?" Jerald asked, upset. "I guess they did." Fake said, annoyed. "Maybe they didn't feel you deserved it." "I deserve it! Hey, I deserve it! Let's go back and let me get it!" Jerald moaned. "Listen, you ass-backward Fiestarkoon idiot--this mission will go forward as planned. Get it?" Fake said angrily. "I'm not prepared to go any further with you elitist Baskonontanans. I'm going back to Agoopish and get my coin." Jerald whined. Daptin turned to face Jerald, his hands inches from his gun. "This mission will go forward as we've been instructed." Daptin said. "Don't second guess the Caxopys--they've been doing this since before our parents had sex to conceive us. For whatever reason, they appointed Fake as group leader for this mission--so her word is final." "Don't threaten me." Jerald said. "You're threatening me, just 'cause I can be killed and you can't. I won't have it." "Jerald!" Fake yelled. "If you hadn't noticed, we're all on the same team. We're not threatening you. Elaine showed us the coin for a reason--because we were concerned about the possibility of killing. She thought if we were invulnerable, it might desensitize us a little. And reluctant as I am to admit it, I do feel less sensitive on the matter now that my own death is precluded." "And you, Jerald." Daptin said. "You didn't need such a treatment, with your gung ho, let's kill some innocent mall guards attitude. Get some brains, man. Just because we have the power doesn't mean we have the right to abuse it. I mean, did you ever kill anyone? Do you know what it is to live the rest of your life with that memory?" "No." Jerald said. "But if it's kill or be killed, I know what to do." "Excuse me." came Tavmatey's voice from the cup, much fainter now than at The Caxopy Group. "Excuse me, Daptin?" "Hold on--yes?" Daptin said, holding the cup near his ear. "Now that we're away from Elaine and Cursive I can tell you a few things." Tavmatey said. "first of all, as they said, the mission is time-sensitive. But I didn't tell them everything. If I don't get out of here soon, I don't know if I'll last. So please, for goodness sakes, stop bickering and save my sorry ass!" "Jerald?" Daptin said. Jerald pause, and then relaxed. "Okay. I'll try to handle the unfairness internally. I do want a coin, though, and I hope you two will back me up when we get back." Jerald said. "You only have to touch it." Fake said. "You don't get it." "Oh." Jerald said. "Okay--I think I see the record store." Daptin said. "Now let's walk over there calmly. Chances are, if we act normal, any security folks who see us'll be confused enough that we can get over the bridge before they react. Okay?" "Well I thought I was the leader here, but okay." Fake said. "Sorry--it's just that you heard what Tavmatey said--we're in a hurry." Daptin said. "No harm done. Let's go. Cinder block--follow close behind us." Fake said. Daptin opened the door and the three of them stepped out into the mall. They walked briskly, one after the other. "Break it up!" Daptin said. "Don't walk right behind me--it looks suspicious." "Like your vest isn't the most suspicious thing ever!" Jerald said. "I'm keeping it as low as I can." Daptin said through clenched teeth. "The cinder block's not helping either." Jerald said. Fake didn't respond. Then Fake and Jerald came up beside Daptin as they headed for an escalator. Though the mall was crowded, few people noticed the three with their guns and grenades and such. "Daptin." Tavmatey's tiny voice came. "Daptin, we can talk freely now. How've you been?" "Huh?" Daptin said, holding the cup up to his hear, looking around to make sure this wasn't attracting attention. "You can stop pretending you don't know me." Tavmatey said. "I don't know you. I mean, I just met you today." Daptin said as they started walking up the escalator. "Daptin, are you afraid they're still monitoring you somehow?" Tavmatey asked. "No!" Daptin said. "I just don't know what you're talking about. Did I know you in school?" "Daptin! We were going out--don't you remember?" Tavmatey said. "Hold on." Daptin said. They got to the top of the escalator and spotted a few mall security guards nearby, looking in their direction. Though the guards glanced at the three, they didn't react. "Daptin--I'm serious." Tavmatey said. "Remember, when you transferred to Shirt University as a Junior? That's when we met." "Listen--I never went to Shirt University. I went to Thatterine College all four years--Fake will attest to that." Daptin said. "Huh?" Fake said, as they approached the record store, Bithopa Rocken. "Nothing." Daptin replied. "This is it--Bithopa Rocken." "Let's just hope we can find the bridge." Jerald said. "Shut up!" Fake yelled. "Keep it down! Keep it down." Daptin said. They entered the store and looked around. "Where's the balcony?" Jerald said loudly. "Will you keep it down?" Daptin said. "There is no balcony here." Fake said. "I'm gonna ask the cashier what's going on." "Don't--" Daptin said, but she was already cutting into the line of customers checking out. "Excuse me!" Fake yelled. "Excuse me!" The cashier, who had been talking with a customer, looked over. "Where is the balcony?" Fake yelled over the loud music. The cashier, a scrawny little guy, eyed Fake's gun and said "We have one at the other store downstairs. Why do you ask?" Fake didn't answer, but motioned for the other two to follow her out of the store. Once out, she noticed a few guards in the distance pointing toward the three, apparently concerned at the floating cinder block. "Sh*t! We have to go to the Bithopa Rocken downstairs, wherever the hell it might be." Fake said, jogging back to the escalator. "Wait!" Daptin said. "Not so fast--it looks suspicious!" The three got to the escalator and bounded down it, Daptin matching the pace of the other two. The cinder block zoomed along behind them. "Daptin!" Tavmatey yelled from the cup. "Not now, Tavmatey. We have some trouble!" said Daptin. "I think I see a map over there." Fake said as she began jogging toward one of the mall's several atriums. "Goddammit slow down!" Daptin yelled, following Fake and Jerald. "Here it is. It's here." Fake said, finding a large mall map. "So where's our store?" Daptin asked, looking around for guards. "Hmmm--let's see." Fake said, examining the map. "Women's apparel. Jewelry. Sporting goods. Children's--" Jerald said. "Shut up man!" Daptin said. "Just find the damn store, how hard can it--" "--here it is--Haxelbong's wing on the right--over this way!" Fake said, pointing. "Okay, but slow down!" Daptin said. They walked briskly toward Haxelbong's department store, Daptin looking around nervously the whole way. They passed a little Ferris wheel, then spotted the second Bithopa Rocken. "Come on!" Fake said, breaking into a run. "Sh*t!" Daptin exclaimed. They entered the store, spotted the balcony, strode up the stairs, and stopped to get their bearings. "Okay." Daptin said. "behind a record rack, right?" "Yeah." Fake said. "Look! Down there!" Jerald said loudly. Down in the store, they saw two security guards talking with a cashier, who then pointed toward the mortals. "They have guns." the cashier, an obese woman, said. The guards looked up and saw the three. "I don't get it." one of the guards said. "Come on--they're confused. We should be able to cross the bridge before they come up." Fake said, looking behind a record rack. "Here it is!" Jerald yelled, as he slid in between a rack and the back wall. "Okay that must be it." Daptin said, as he and Fake followed Jerald. The security guards were just getting up the stairs. "Okay what's the problem?" one of the guards said lethargically. "Hey you jerks!" Jerald yelled at the guards. "Ha ha! Forget it!" With this, Jerald pointed his submachine upward and began firing, spraying bullets back and forth into the ceiling. "Don't mess with us--it's not worth it!" Jerald yelled. "You f*cking little dork!" Daptin yelled, shoving Jerald hard. Jerald and Daptin fell down, followed by Fake. Jerald stopped firing, but bits of the ceiling could still be heard falling all around. "You're dead, man. That's it." Daptin said as he spied an opening in the floor underneath the record rack. "Come on--into the hole. They shouldn't be able to follow us if this is a bridge." Fake said. "I'm in charge now!" Jerald said. "We have to seal the bridge behind us so they don't follow." Daptin slapped Jerald hard on the back of his head. "Shut up!" Daptin said in a loud whisper. "They won't be able to bring themselves to look back here unless they're mortals--which I highly doubt." "But I just shot--" Jerald said. Daptin put his hand over Jerald's mouth, squeezing hard. "Shut the f*ck up! Don't you understand anything? They can't look behind here if it's a bridge--they just f*cking can't." Daptin whispered harshly at Jerald. Fake, who had scooted past the sparring two, lowered herself into the square hole in the floor. Her cinder block floated carefully beside her and down into the space below. "Hand me the cup of coffee, Daptin, and then get the hell down here!" Fake said. Daptin handed her the cup of coffee and let go of Jerald. "I'll deal with you once we're in Boltpike." Daptin said, as he began to lower himself down into the hole. "Come on." Fake said from below. Daptin arrived at what seemed to be a space above the ceiling of the store below. He had to crouch down as he looked around into the darkness. The frost flame from Daptin's vest faintly lit the area. "Is he coming?" Fake asked from nearby. "No--he's getting up--" Daptin said. "Just grab him and pull him down." Fake said, losing patience. Daptin's hand shot up and grabbed Jerald's ankle. "Hey!" Jerald yelled. Daptin pulled Jerald down into the crawlspace with a loud thud. After he landed, Daptin grabbed Jerald's collar and pulled him up so the two were face to face. "Listen you turd." Daptin said, slapping Jerald across the face. "I'll freeze your ass if you don't shape up!" With this, Daptin willed his frost flame to flare up, sending a chilly blast of cold air through the crawlspace. "Understand?" Daptin demanded. Jerald closed his eyes and coughed hoarsely. "Understand?" Daptin asked again, shaking his fellow mortal. "Yes," Jerald said, coughing. "I understand. Now quit it." Daptin let Jerald go and diminished the intensity of his frost flame. From above, they heard someone say "Well they got away. No use looking for them around here." "See Hatch?" Daptin said. "In their minds, we just got away--even though it makes no sense. Their minds refuse to think about or grasp the back of this rack in any way. That's the way it works. See, idiot?" "I found the direction." Fake said. "Off this way." "Get up." Daptin said to Jerald, who complied. The two then followed Fake through an air vent into a larger corridor. Daptin's frost flame provided a flickery illumination as the three continued down the hallway lined with wooden planks. "I don't think we're in Plutomiana anymore." Fake said distantly. "Are you guys finally in Boltpike?" Tavmatey asked, her voice definitely louder than it had been in the mall. "I guess we're almost there." Daptin said. "I'm through with this mission." Jerald said. "I thought you'd be more professional. I can't work with people like you." Daptin turned to face Jerald. "Do you understand that we can't afford to have an incident on Earth?" Daptin said. "Didn't Elaine make that very, very clear?" "So?" Jerald asked, taking off his cowboy hat. "So--why the hell did you fire your gun back there? I can't f*cking believe you did that! Are you totally out of your tiny mind?" Daptin said. "Look Gone, they were about to apprehend us--I had to give them some pause." Jerald said as he turned his hat upside down and reached his hand into it. "There was no reason to do it. You knew it was a bridge, and you knew they wouldn't follow." Daptin said. "We weren't into the bridge at that point." Jerald said, his arm elbow-deep into the hat, defying normal physics. "Behind the rack was the start of the bridge." Daptin said. "And you better not try anything with that magic hat of yours." "I'm just getting some licorice." Jerald said, pulling his arm out of the hat with a little package of licorice sticks. "Snack hat." "Gimme a break." Daptin said. "Just remember--if you pull any more sh*t--you're dead." Fake stopped in her tracks and spun around. The cinder block came to a clumsy halt and floated back near Fake. "Okay--time out." Fake said. "Let's get something straight--I'm the leader here, for better or for worse. And I say you two stop fighting right now. We have a mission, and we're on a tight schedule. Jerald, you were wrong to fire back there, but we're all entitled to one mistake, right?" "I didn't hurt anyone." Jerald said, biting into a piece of licorice. "That's beside the point. Just promise me that you'll see this mission through to the end, Jerald." Fake said. Jerald paused, chewing his licorice. "Okay." he finally said. "But tell Daptin to stop bossing me around." "Look," Daptin said. "We'll be in Boltpike soon, and we won't be walking on eggshells like we were back on Earth. There's a difference, Jerald. A big difference." "I know." Jerald said. "Want some licorice?" "Not from your gross hat." Daptin said. "No thanks." Fake said. "Now come on." They continued down the hallway, which soon came to an abrupt halt. A ladder attached to the wall led upward. "I'll go." Daptin said. "Are we there yet?" Tavmatey asked, her voice yet louder. "Not quite." Fake said. "But this might be it." Daptin climbed up the ladder and found the underside of a manhole. "I got it--a manhole." Daptin said, pushing on the manhole. "Open it." Fake said. "Uhn. Jammed pretty good." Daptin said. "Push harder." Jerald said. "Super!" Daptin yelled. "Hoop!" With this, Daptin pushed the manhole open with a cacophony of crashes. "What the hell..." Fake said. Daptin climbed out of the hole to find himself in what appeared to be an abandoned store, with the wreckage of a huge couch nearby, which had apparently been covering the manhole. Out a large window, he saw a bleak streetlit street. "Come on up, folks. The weather's fine." Daptin said. The other two climbed up the ladder, followed by Fake's cinder block. "My goodness." Fake said, looking at the ruined couch. "How did you do that? That couch looks like it weighed a ton." "It probably did." Daptin said. "Do you have some power I don't know about?" Fake asked. "I didn't know you were that strong." "I'm not." Daptin said. "But--" Fake began. "--just forget it for now, alright? It's too involved to explain." "Okay." Fake said, looking out the window. "This is Boltpike, alright. Hear that Tavmatey? We're here." "Goody." Tavmatey said. "It's always dark here, right?" Daptin asked. "More or less." Fake said. "Sort of reminds me of home." Daptin said. "Daptin," Tavmatey said from within the cup. "I think we should talk." "Here." Fake said, handing Daptin the cup. "Well?" Daptin asked. "Well. How about telling the truth." Tavmatey said. "The truth is, I never met anyone named Tavmatey, and I never went to Shirt University. Ask Fake." "What?" Fake asked. "Tell Tavmatey where I went to college all four years." Daptin said. "Um, you went to Thatterine as far as I know. I mean, I knew you there. But I'm sure you didn't go to Shirt." Fake said. "I'm not crazy." Tavmatey said. "I know you. I've--y'know--been with you, in that way. I know you." "This isn't true." Daptin said. "I'll prove it. Shall I do that? How about your birthmark? You have a birthmark on your scrotum--the shape of a lightning bolt. How would I know this?" Tavmatey said. "Come on! That's getting personal." Daptin said. "You really have a birthmark like that?" Fake asked. "If you have to know, yes. Nothing I can help, I mean, I was born with it." "So how does Tavmatey know?" Fake asked. "Who cares." Jerald said from across the room. "Well?" Fake asked. "I don't know. Maybe someone who knew me told her." "Who would tell me that? And I can tell you more things. Your personal number, your parents' address in Arctica, both your grandmothers' maiden names, your favorite foods, your deepest secrets." "Okay. Okay, enough. Let's be reasonable here. You're probably from an Earth alternate to ours. Although I've never encountered two Earths with duplicate people living on them, I suppose it's possible. Whatever, I'm not the Daptin you knew." "Fair enough." Tavmatey said. "And while we're on the subject of secrets, just how did you go from being a Shirt coed to getting trapped inside a 40,000-year-old cup of coffee?" Daptin asked. "It's a long story." "What year do you think it is?" Daptin asked. "1683, as far as I know." "It's 1678 to us." Daptin said, staring at the cup. "I was a Junior about three years ago, in 1675. Are you saying you met me eight years ago, in your experience?" "Um--yeah, that's about right." Tavmatey said. "It is 1678." Fake said. "There's no denying that." "Is she from the future?" Jerald asked. "I guess she is." Daptin responded. "Anyway, I'm sorry. I guess you're not my Daptin. But you're similar enough to have the same lightning birthmark." "It doesn't look all that much like lightning." "Oh yes it does. I've seen it close up. Closer than you could ever have seen it." "Okay, fine. Very cute. That's great." "It's true." "Great." "So are you gonna get me outta here soon? I think I like you a lot better now, knowing that you're not the same Daptin I knew." "Why? What did he do wrong?" "Plenty. But you're not him." "Well, you can tell me all about it when we finally meet." Jerald walked over to Daptin and talked into the cup. "Watch out Miss Tavmatey--Daptin's girlfriend is a goddess named Spanking New Sarah. She's a very--" "Cut the sh*t." Daptin said. "Come on, let's get on with it." Daptin tried to open the door, but found it locked. "Damn!" Daptin said. "May I?" Jerald said, pointing his gun toward the window. "Go ahead." Daptin said with a sigh. "Ha ha!" Jerald said as he shot the window, shattering it immediately. "Okay Jerald--that's enough. Stop!" Daptin said. Jerald stopped firing, but then saw that some glass in a corner of the windowframe still intact, so he shot at it. "Stop it! That's not a toy." Daptin said. "You sound like my uncle." Jerald said, stepping through the windowframe. Daptin and Fake followed, finding themselves on a deserted street, with a lot of lights visible over to the right. "Tell me about this Spanking New Sarah." Tavmatey said. "For godsake, not now." Daptin said. "Which way?" Fake asked? "Well," Daptin said. "We have to see which direction Tav is louder in. Tell you what--let's test it at one end of this block, and then the other. Maybe we'll be able to hear a difference." "Um--actually, Elaine told me that I was somewhere in the downtown area of Boltpike. So why don't you head that way? Maybe you see the lights?" Tavmatey said. "Um--okay." Daptin said. "We can see downtown from here, but it's a few miles off. How did you know?" "Elaine briefed me on your route. She knew where this bridge came out." "I wish she'd have told us that." Fake said. "Just keep moving." Tavmatey said. "Remember, I don't know how much longer I've got." "Whatever that means." Daptin said. "What?" Tavmatey asked. "Nothing." Daptin responded. "So let's go!" Fake said. The three began walking toward downtown Boltpike. About a minute later, however, everything went wrong. It felt like the street dropped out from under them, and what seemed to be a bright sun was darting about relentlessly in the sky above them. A sound like a thousand touch tone dialings came to their ears. They all lost their balance and fell to the sidewalk under them. "What's happening?" Jerald yelled. "I don't know." Fake yelled back. "Super! Super!" Daptin yelled, attempting unsuccessfully to stand up. "What went wrong?" Fake asked. "I don't think this--" Daptin began, but then everything turned red. All they could see was red. They smelled a citrusy odor and heard distant windchimes. "Don't stop." Tavmatey said, much louder now. "Don't stop now." Before any of them could respond, they lost consciousness. Daptin awoke to find himself on a hill covered with freshly cut grass. He heard the sound of a distant lawn mower, but couldn't see where it came from. A light breeze blew, and a very normal sun shone down from a cloudless sky. Nearby, he could see a wooded area. The other two began to stir. "Well, we managed to f*ck our mission up royally." Daptin said, not fully awake yet. "Was I dreaming?" Fake asked, rising. "I'm scared." Jerald said. "Oh, you're back." Tavmatey said from the cup, sounding almost as if she were right next to them. "Tav--Tavmatey--how long were we out?" Daptin asked. "Not long. Maybe five minutes." "What happened?" Fake asked. "Beats me." Daptin said. "Any ideas, Tav?" Tavmatey didn't respond. "I guess not." Daptin said. "No I guess--" Tavmatey said. "I guess I might as well tell you that Elaine had to mislead you a little. The actual plan was different than what she told you. Sorry I didn't--" "--YES!" a booming voice was heard to say nearby. "What the--" Daptin starting, looking around. "Uh oh." Fake said, looking down the hill. "After eighty years it has come to pass." one of the individuals coming up the hill said. "You led us into a trap!" Daptin yelled. "No!" Tavmatey said. "No! There shouldn't be anyone else there! It's impossible!" Daptin looked down at the group approaching him and his fellows. He didn't recognize any of the approachers. "Stop!" said the man leading the group. He held a huge saw in his right hand, and a smaller saw in his left hand. "Look!" said a tall, thin, cloaked figure with no discernible face. "Can it be? Truly?" "The cup! The cup of coffee!" said a young woman in a red and black checkered outfit. "Let's do 'em before they get smart and run." said a woman in a black T-shirt. A large furry monster stared at the cup and whooped with pleasure. "Can it be over?" asked a large, stocky, oddly-built fellow with a colorful uniform. A girl in a blue and brown outfit flew above the others, holding a massive, bizarre rifle. "Hello." the guy with the saws said. "We are--here seeking that cup of coffee. May we, uh, may we just have it?" Jerald raised his submachinegun. "Back off." Jerald said loudly. "Cool it." Daptin said, with his hand raised. Then he turned toward Fake and said, "Blow up a balloon." Fake nodded, took out a green balloon, and started stretching it. Her cinder block, which had been motionless, jumped up and floated in front of Fake in a protective stance. "What say thee?" the sawman asked. "There's no need to fight. We can settle this." Daptin said. "Who are you guys, anyway?" "I would ask the same of you." the sawman said. "I asked first." Daptin said. "Fine." the sawman said. "Some call us Cup's Club, but that is unimportant. What matters is that we've been looking for that cup of coffee you have for almost eighty years. Can you grasp such an effort? We want this to be over." "Okay." Daptin said. "Here's the deal. I can see you're a fighting force, but so are we. Let me clue you in--we're mortals from Agoopish. I don't think you want to risk fighting us." "Never heard of Agoopish." the sawman said. "But the force is yet to be found that Coabler the Sawman cannot soundly defeat. What say thee then?" "Okay, okay. Tavmatey, what do you know about this?" Daptin asked. "Nothing!" she responded. Fake turned around and began blowing up the slay balloon. "Let's talk this over." Daptin said. "If we find you to be a clearly superior force, as you claim to be, then we'll hand the cup over without a fight." "We are superior." Coabler the Sawman said. "And we will take the cup. We have nothing to prove to you." "If you're so sure, why don't you attack us right now?" Jerald blurted out. Coabler shrugged. "I want to try a civilized solution before bashing your foolish heads in." "That is... certainly admirable." Daptin said, looking over at Fake. Fake finished inflating the slay balloon. She then pulled a pin from her sleeve and held it inches away from the balloon. "What's that, then?" the flying girl asked, pointing her gun at Fake. "Hit it." Daptin said. *OW* [[12008AX]] Appendix Confused? Here's Everything You Need to Know! (This information is reprinted every issue in essentially the same form.) The ezine OsoaWeek is the central product of Obliviana Super Occult Amusement. Each weekly issue is prepared as a plain vanilla ASCII file not less than 50K and not exceeding 100K, with the goal of being readable on as many computers as possible. Mac users will likely get little boxes on the lefthand column--this is due to the "hard return" needed at the end of every line on DOS machines. You can live with them, or search-and-replace them away (but please don't distribute any altered copies of OW!). Meaning of codes: The first two-digit number is the sequential section number in this issue of OsoaWeek. The next three-digit number is the issue number of this OsoaWeek. The last element, a 2-character code, is shorthand for a given feature. To search: To find the beginning of the next section, search for the string containing two lefthand brackets with no spaces. To find a particular section, search for the string containing two lefthand brackets followed by the two-digit section number, with no spaces. To find a particular feature, search for the string containing the two-character code followed by two righthand brackets, with no spaces. Using the latter method, you can find a particular feature in any issue of OsoaWeek without even referring to the contents. The Contents are divided into three sections: (a) the introductory, informative, housekeeping sort of features, (b) stuff directly relating to the playing of Osoa, such as new Fonostas, events, info, etc., and (c) the general entertaining and informative section. These three areas are casual and separated for ease of use. To make it easy, in EVERY issue of OsoaWeek, the first section starts with Masthead (MH), the second with State of Obliviana (SO), and the third with Hemisinister Review (HR). 1-800-OBLIVIANA--This toll-free number can be called anytime from any phone in the Continental USA for the latest information on Obliviana, including samples of Obliviana sound bites! Acknowledgments: I would like to thank my girlfriend Kerri for putting up with me while I spend countless hours developing OsoaWeek--thanks Kerri, I love you! This Appendix is located at the end of the file because it contains boring, repetitive info you wouldn't want in your way. Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa) is an endeavor created by Frank Edward Nora, AKA, Lord of Obliviana. Osoa is fully independent and not affiliated with any other organization, belief, etc. Here's a detailed introduction to Osoa: You know there's something else going on in this world, but you can't quite pin it down. And you know there's something else going on with YOU. But it ever eludes you, and teases you, these glimpses of otherness. On the subject of explaining the world, people generally consider that science and religion form a complete scale. Science dealing with the measurable and observable, and religion dealing with the supernatural and mysterious. But really, science is limited to physical measurement and observation, and religion is limited to gods, supernatural beings, how the world was created, and what happens to us when we die. But if you consider it, there is a vast realm of human experience which does not fall into either category. It is this realm that I call Obliviana. Dreams, hunches, deja vu, luck, humor, creativity, emotions, intuition, events "working themselves out", psychic phenomenon, the atmospheres of certain places, memories from childhood, ruts, coincidence, "small world", and more. These are just the tip of the iceberg in Obliviana! Who knows what other exhilarating phenomena await our exploration? With the dawn of the Digital Superworld, that complex and ever-expanding interconnection of computers, networks, and the like, the realm of human endeavor is drastically changed. We have glimpsed a danger in the mesmerizing qualities of even the worst television. In the Digital Superworld, this effect is magnified by several orders of magnitude--so even the cheapest and most worthless online activities become irresistibly engaging and addictive. Imagine a population fully engaged in such tripe--jacked in, spending more and more time engrossed in such pointless, empty activities as computers and robots do more and more of the work. Not a pretty picture, is it? It is partially with the intent of preventing this nightmare that Obliviana Super Occult Amusement (Osoa) was established on July 28, 1994. Osoa is the first and greatest endeavor to provide the world with a viable, broad-based, universally-compelling endeavor to provide CONTEXT in the Digital Superworld. The exploration of Obliviana can be undertaken in a wild variety of ways. Check out the eleven Osoa Flowers (introduced in OsoaWeek001) for details. Also check out the first issue for details on establishing your very own Fonosta! Osoa is an innovative and far-reaching game. Why a game? Well, aren't most explorations really games when you come right down to it? And, as a practical matter, some of the elements in Obliviana are too bizarre to be presented as anything OTHER than a game. So Obliviana as game can be looked at as shielding and candy-coating, but can also be viewed as cutting to the heart of the matter--hey, exploring the realm of Obliviana is not vital to our ongoing survival, but it is pretty darn entertaining and satisfying. It is with the game of Obliviana running on the ever-expanding Digital Superworld that we can abandon the mediocrity of the past and make something very new, wild, and now. *OW* [[END008OW]] -------> ------------------- ----------- -------- -- -----